View Full Version : What do you tell the kids when they ask "Where is daddy?"


waitingtoseehim
03-04-2009, 08:06 PM
i want to know what people tell there kids when they want to know where daddy is. i want to find out if what i tell my 5 year old step-daughter is wrong.

i tell her he is at work realy far away and he will be home soon because she just started kindergarten and i dont want her telling other kids who might mention it to there parents and they get the wrong idea about our family.

frontlinelady
03-04-2009, 08:17 PM
This is a cute question...Our older children know where he is but our 5 year old, bless her heart, could not comprehend prison or jail. Her daddy was always witnessing to and mentoring guys about Christ and how he changed his life before he went to prison. So, we tell her that he is working for JESUS. I hope her mom drops by here and tells everyone the story of her testimony in the restaruant when she was questioned about where her daddy was. I believe I will send her an email and let her share that. She called me and we laughed together and when I told my husband he had the biggest smile on his face. She is proud of her daddy as she should be and when her little mind can comprehend everything we will tell her about our journey when she was a little girl. God is Good and we want her to know that the angels walk with her daddy and protect him every day while he is away. She prays before we go to bed on the weekends she is with me that Jesus will please let her daddy off work so he can come home and play with her. She misses him but at the same time she is proud that he is mentoring and ministering no matter where he is.....and you know what??? So is his wife!

Rena
03-04-2009, 08:17 PM
I do the same thing & my child is the same age as yours.

Chellie
03-04-2009, 08:26 PM
My son is 6 and my fiance is not his bio dad but is his dad in every way that counts...he has been in his life sense he was 1 1/2. I tell him my man is away at school.

Belinda143
03-05-2009, 12:53 PM
This is a cute question...Our older children know where he is but our 5 year old, bless her heart, could not comprehend prison or jail. Her daddy was always witnessing to and mentoring guys about Christ and how he changed his life before he went to prison. So, we tell her that he is working for JESUS. I hope her mom drops by here and tells everyone the story of her testimony in the restaruant when she was questioned about where her daddy was. I believe I will send her an email and let her share that. She called me and we laughed together and when I told my husband he had the biggest smile on his face. She is proud of her daddy as she should be and when her little mind can comprehend everything we will tell her about our journey when she was a little girl. God is Good and we want her to know that the angels walk with her daddy and protect him every day while he is away. She prays before we go to bed on the weekends she is with me that Jesus will please let her daddy off work so he can come home and play with her. She misses him but at the same time she is proud that he is mentoring and ministering no matter where he is.....and you know what??? So is his wife!






Ok I am the 5 year old step daughters mother that frontline lady is talking about. Oh sweet heart and the family was at a local restaruant a couple weeks ago and an older husband and wife came up and was telling the kids how beautiful they where. Our child will talk to anyone that starts talking to her well she told them I have 2 daddy's well the couple said really thats good. Where is your daddy's at. Well she said one is at work and my daddy larry is working for jesus. Well the older couple said thats a good thing everyone need to do that. well you would have had to been there to here the hole thing it was touching and to know my child loves her daddy so much and the things she says about her daddy is so touching. The good thing is that he will be home soon and she will get to see her wonderful DADDY LARRY....

grace0380
03-07-2009, 04:01 PM
I tell my 2 yr old that he is in prison and explain that it is really long time out. I believe that if they are old enough to ask they are old enough for the correct answer. I won't lie to my daughter.

miss k_0836
03-07-2009, 05:57 PM
Ours are far too young to understand prison. My son is 20 months and his sister is 9 so I just tell him Daddy misses and loves him, Hopefully he will be home before I will have to really explain!

lilsoldierette0
03-07-2009, 06:04 PM
Neither of my kids father's are in prison....but one has a different father from the other....The older one recently asked "mommy, why doesn't sister come to daddy's with me?" It really caught me off guard, because I didn't know how to respond...so I told her the truth....Sisters daddy works on a boat really really far away, and he can't come and see her. (he's in or around Iraq right now) But it was hard, even though my kids fathers aren't in prison...to explain to a child where daddy is if he's not around. In my case it was hard to explain why they have different daddy's.

mombat
03-10-2009, 12:29 PM
I bought a book from Barnes & Noble, called "What is Jail, Mommy", for my 3 and 5 year old grand daughters. It does a really job of describing what to expect on visits, down to the part about bringing change for vending machines! We just tell them Daddy made a bad choice to drive his car after he drank some beer, and that he is in time out for that, and that he has learned his lesson and will be home very soon.

Greek_Koukla
03-10-2009, 12:54 PM
My son is 6 and my fiance is not his bio dad but is his dad in every way that counts...he has been in his life sense he was 1 1/2. I tell him my man is away at school.


Though I dont have any kids - my brothers cell mate's wife tells her kids that daddy is at school thats why they all have the same "uniform" on etc. I think that is a good answer ~

Mia2123
03-10-2009, 12:58 PM
I tell my 3yr old son that his dad lives far away and we aren't able to see him. I don't want him to think anything bad about his dad or confuse him anymore than he already is especially since it looks like his dad will NEVER be able to come home. I will eventually explain when he is much older why his dad lives in India and not here with us. His dad is an aggravated felon and is awaiting deportation in a federal detention center. (He is appealing but it doesn't look good). Once deported aggravated felons are NEVER allowed to return to U.S. soil. So his dad and I agreed there is no point in telling him about prison at this point. My son hasn't seen his dad since he was 15 months old and doesn't remember him. We exchange letters and pictures and his dad calls him about twice a month. I see that it is very confusing for my son when he sees other kids with their dad and wants to know why his dad isn't here. I just wish a decision either way could be made already, this being in limbo for so long sucks. :( Unfortunately the immigration system is overwhelmed right now.
If anyone has any suggestions on books about this situation and the child
psychology of it I would really appreciate it. Many thanks in advace :)

lynnetta
03-15-2009, 02:02 PM
i say on vacation or at work

you_kno_iit
04-22-2009, 02:07 PM
I have three kids with my man and he is in jail..my oldest is 2yrs old the second is 1yr old and the third is 5mths..the only who askes me questions is my son..he really dont know what jail is so when he askes me where's daddy and i miss and want to see him i tell him he is on a job far away or in the army..its hard to explain to a lil 2yr what jail is so for now he is working..

patswife4-ever
04-22-2009, 11:10 PM
I have three kids with my man and he is in jail..my oldest is 2yrs old the second is 1yr old and the third is 5mths..the only who askes me questions is my son..he really dont know what jail is so when he askes me where's daddy and i miss and want to see him i tell him he is on a job far away or in the army..its hard to explain to a lil 2yr what jail is so for now he is working..

At 2yrs old, it is hard to explain anything!!;) My kids think daddy is working (even though they have visited him in prison) they still think he is working. And right now we are going through a no contact order and he may not come home and apparently my hubby told the kids that once he is done working, he will be going to school!! :eek: I just found this out today when the kids told me. I have not figured out what to tell the kids once he is OUT, but not able to come home!! :(

I guess I will go with the whole school thing, but our 7yr old asked if daddy was going to have homework!! :lol:

2008momof1
04-25-2009, 03:50 PM
" Daddy's at the Learning Center"
She was two when he went in. We headed North to a MCCF. (made it a little easier because of Location)
Next visit? She looks out the window. 20 miles before the place she says
" we almost at the Learning Center to see Daddy "
When she ask about the Learning Center I shared with her he was learning to be the best Daddy and man he can be.
Age makes a huge difference.
He is home now. She is his rock. His Inspiration.
Maybe that Learning Center was a good thing.


LOL @ the homework..
OUt of the mouths of Babes.......

Opps I guess I missclicked to get here.. But a good share yes?

~*HiS WiFeY*~
04-26-2009, 08:10 PM
Well our 3 year old daughter is too smart for the ''at school'' excuse. She knows that Mommy goes to school, and comes back, and Uncle goes to school, and comes back....so she says well why isnt daddy coming home after school? so after a week or so she asked me again and I explained he was in jail and that he made a mistake..and prepared her for the visits, and shes done really well, now when people ask her where daddy is she says ''oh hes in jail he made a mistake but he will come home soon''... it doesnt bother me that people know where he is, people make mistakes, some are just bigger than others'...

shaneswife
04-27-2009, 06:52 PM
Everyone has to be careful of what children repeat! My 9 yr old daughter told her father was in prison at school. I think it imbarrassed me the most. And I am not with him. He has been in and out of the prison system since they were little girls. And its sad.... Children pick because other children dont have both parents in the home. Its hard enough on children from divorce. Maybe one day it will be easier for my children to accept. I have never left my children and couldnt imagine having to...

TheWaitingGame
05-24-2009, 07:00 PM
This is a HUGE question I had to ask for advice on as I had no idea what to tell my children. One of them is a step-child and they know as that was the advice given by the mothers therapist. My therapist said I could tell my child whatever so long as it was not harmful and they child was ok with the answer. I asked if telling my child that Daddy's is at the "Hospital" was ok and got the go ahead by both the therapist and my spiritual clergy. The Jail we visited as well as now the Prison have no signage that says welcome to the Prison/Jail and everyone there wears scrubs so it looks like an actual hospital.

My child just entered elementary and I have found there has not been any negative reactions to telling this and it has been very helpful actually when we talk about it.

My spouse is coming home in less than a year so thankfully that is more helpful in keeping up this charade. I was told however that the time will come where my children will find out and I needed to make a choice to let them find out or tell them. We have always said we will tell them but with the right setting and when their Dad is home and we can have a full conversation about it in the comfort of our home.

I think if you nurture your children and help them feel love and support you will find they can bring you a lot of comfort too. Because after-all you are going through this together.

Interesting to see what others have told their kids here! It helps a lot to know I am not the only parent who says other things. This truly is a hard trial to bear and I send all of you big hugs and support to hang in there!! xo

ALwAyZzHiSLAdY
05-25-2009, 10:27 AM
I just say that he is working.Half of my family doesn't even know where he is at(laugh) :) I just say he is looking for work up north & I tell my kids that he is also working.My son always says he misses him & I just let him know that he is coming home soon! My son is 3 & my daughter is 10 months.

Tara
05-25-2009, 05:33 PM
My kids know where he is at. I do not lie and he writes them seperate letters to make sure they know he is still here and still their daddy.

Torn In 2
06-13-2009, 08:44 AM
i tell our 2 year old that daddy is in timeout because he did something that isn't acceptable.

healingdaughter
06-15-2009, 11:45 AM
I say honesty is the best policy! I'm a child of an inmate (I'm now 27) and my mom was always upfront with me about where my father was and now I thank her for that!

Gunner's_Girl
07-13-2009, 11:17 PM
My kids were 5 and 8 when their Dad was arrested and ended up in prison. I never lied, I told them the truth from the gate. I didn't have much choice since it was highly publicized and kids at school were talking about it. I wonder if I would have done it differently were that not the case, but I don't think so. I want my kids to learn honesty and the best way to teach them is to be honest. My youngest did have a hard time with the concept of prison, what it truly is. We explained it to her as a really long time out, the consequences that Daddy has to deal with for his bad choices. Now that we have visited him, and they have seen the prison, they understand a bit better what it is.

TedEBare
08-04-2009, 07:04 AM
I told my grandson that he is in timeout for adults. Somewhere between the age of 3 and 4, he figured out that timeout for adults is called jail. He's so excited that G will be home soon.

SarahAne
08-14-2009, 10:07 PM
my kids are 4,3, and almost 2. I don't like the idea of lying but they have no concept of what jail or prison is so we call it "time out"

because they can relate to time out. I think it's a lesson too. You misbehave as a child, you go to timeout. You misbehave as an adult, you go to BIG time out because you should know the rules by then.

they're satisfied with that, and he'll be out in 4 months (!!!! just found that out today) so they probably won't ask too many more questions than that and with any luck they'll have no conscious memory of his almost 2 yrs in there.

tmarie24
08-18-2009, 12:08 AM
My daughter is 6 and she knows he is in prison.
My son is 2 and when we ask him, "where's papi?"
he replies, "he's at home." (since we just go and visit my husband, he thinks that the prison is his home)!!

jc_forever-
08-18-2009, 12:27 AM
i get nervous about this. my daughter is 2 so she doesnt talk too much yet but we do go visit my man who is not her bio dad but she looks at him as daddy and calls him daddy all the time. my mom doesnt know anything about him being in jail and i live with my parents so im nervous for when she starts talking is she going to tell my mom what she did that day when we went to visit. but i also dont want to lie to my daughter and then have her lie to her grandma. i know this time is fast approaching...anyone ever been in this position?

Tawny79
09-04-2009, 01:05 PM
i want to know what people tell there kids when they want to know where daddy is. i want to find out if what i tell my 5 year old step-daughter is wrong.

i tell her he is at work realy far away and he will be home soon because she just started kindergarten and i dont want her telling other kids who might mention it to there parents and they get the wrong idea about our family.


What did you tell your kids? I have 5 kids and my husband is getting sent away for 3 years, the oldest is old enough to understand but the others are young 3,2 and infant twins! I tell them daddy is at work but it won't last for 3 years, right now when we go see him my son uses his imagination and says daddy is in a spaceship window, god it is so sad!!!!! Am I doing the right thing?

LadyKisses
09-05-2009, 08:27 AM
My man isnt my daughter's biological daddy but he is in the process of adopting her. And she know he is in prison but as kids are they think that daddy should be able to come home and stay awhile. She ask him all the time when he calls daddy why dont you come home and stay a little while and that kills him the most.

But definatly my daughter knows he is in prison but she can't get over that!!
But I try and make sure she understands enough!!!

Tawny79
09-05-2009, 05:13 PM
My man isnt my daughter's biological daddy but he is in the process of adopting her. And she know he is in prison but as kids are they think that daddy should be able to come home and stay awhile. She ask him all the time when he calls daddy why dont you come home and stay a little while and that kills him the most.

But definatly my daughter knows he is in prison but she can't get over that!!
But I try and make sure she understands enough!!!

Well, my oldest son knows he is 10, but went through this with his real dad! The others are all his and I kinda said he in time out and they do ask everytime he calls why doesn't he get to come out, or when we go see him and we have to laeve my 2 year old always asks when his daddy leaves if he is going to meet us at the car! I am really emotional about the whole thing so i break down and cry! It is so hard to stay strong but I guess it all comes with time!

Shaun's Rib
09-07-2009, 08:58 AM
Well I tell my kids that daddy is out of town working. I'm not lieing to them because he is out of town and he does work. They are ok with that answer. They ask why he can't come home after work. And I tell them its to far to come home and go back to work the next day. But he has less than a year to go so he'll be home soon.

leftbehind2
09-07-2009, 03:34 PM
We told my 3 year old grandson that papa is sick & has to go far far away to get better and it will take a long time but he will be back.

hes too young to understand jail ya know?

jaysgurl7
09-07-2009, 07:01 PM
fortunately my daughter is 2 and she dosent understand,we see him every week and she has a blast,it kinda gets to me tho bc I can tell that she notices he's not home with us but he'll be out real soon so i dont have to worry too long

Buggs_Wife0515
09-13-2009, 09:26 PM
Well we have 3 children ages 11,5, and 3. Our oldest 2 know where he is and understands that daddy is on punishment. My daughter just says that he's at his house. Everytime he calls she says daddy I wanna come to your house!!!

tilforever08
09-16-2009, 07:46 PM
luckily, my husband will be home before we will have to "explain" hopefully. but i'm not sure how we'll explain why he was gone for the first part of her life.

MRSCLARK82702
10-08-2009, 01:28 PM
i tell my son exactly where his dad is and why i dont lie to my son i want him to be honest with me so i am honest with him he is 7 and knows right from wrong and also needs to know there are consequences for your actions, at times he is disappointed in his dad but loves him regardless. so i am and will always be honest with him =D

one.four.three
10-08-2009, 01:35 PM
We tell his son 5) that he is working :o I feel so bad having to lie. He asks us my mother-in-law and I) "when is coming to pick me up, I want to see him, I'm mad at him" :eek: it breaks my heart to see him that way :(...his mom won't even allow us to take him to see his dad nor near me :rolleyes:....

jenniferdgd
02-02-2010, 02:08 PM
i want to know what people tell there kids when they want to know where daddy is. i want to find out if what i tell my 5 year old step-daughter is wrong.

i tell her he is at work realy far away and he will be home soon because she just started kindergarten and i dont want her telling other kids who might mention it to there parents and they get the wrong idea about our family.
Hi, I have a 5yo 10yo & 12yo, I think in the day and time we live in it more important now then ever to talk with our kids openly and truthfully,I want my kids to know that no matter how painful the truth is Mommy will always answer their questions honestly. My 5 yo could not wait to go to school to tell his Kindergarten teacher (Catholic school) and I really wanted him 2 keep it between us but when he asked me if he could tell his teacher I couldn't say no,After all I always tell them if some1 hurts/bothers them and they don't wanna tell me to tell a teacher/counselor. Good Luck ;)

desbaza87
03-17-2010, 09:20 PM
My daughter is 9 and son is 6 and when their dad was in the county jail i went every day for 52 days and thy obviously noticed that i someimes brought them but they never asked why he was there not until he was gone to the big house on his way to do the 3 yrs did i have the sit down and i told them the truth i also will not lie to them but just cushion the story some i told my children so they also learn a lesson in life we said " daddy was driving with some bad friends and they got pulled over his bad friends did bad things and daddy was involved so even if your not the one who directly does it and you just hang out with the wrong crowd consequences can happen they write him now and talk to him on the phone when they can and when they ask when will he be home it used to be soon but after being denied parole the 1st time we realized when they said when is soon over and over it changed to daddy witll be home when he is home my daughter misses him but does ok its his son that has random moment of tears and heartache that hurt me oh so much and i tell their daddy that so he wont ever let this happen again they need to know that they were not the only one affected by their bad choices whether it hurts them or not the children didnt ask for this....

twistedhrt
03-18-2010, 11:05 PM
OMG.. that's a tuff question.. it depends on what there relationship was before he went in to do his time.. If you ask 100 people.. you would get 100 diff answers.. its a personal choice.. Good luck.

BrokenTears143
03-18-2010, 11:28 PM
Our Daughter will be 3 in may and her father has been in and out of jail since she was born. Up untill now she really has not had much to say about due to him not being around much to begin with but the last time he was released he spent a significant amount of time with her and now he is back in and facing 2 to 3 years. When she asks where her daddy is i tell her he is in jail and of course she asks why and so I tell her that when grown ups dont follow the rules they get in trouble and have to go to jail which is kind of like a time-out but it lasts alot longer. It took me quite some time to find an answer to this question because my heart would sink when she would ask me because I know she misses him and when she gets older im scared that she is going to feel the emptyness that i feel because he is not here. I wish that someday her father will realize what he is putting the people who love, care, and need him through. I pray that my daughter will not have to suffer being without her daddy forever. ~:(~

Alex'sWifey
03-21-2010, 03:49 AM
I tell my 2yo daddy is sleeping.she always pretends on the phone that she is talkin to him and looks out the window for him.or if she goes to his familys where he was staying before he got locked up she tries to go find him there.our baby she is 15mths now doesnt really ask questions yet but sure knows how to say daddy and talk gibberish to him when he calls!i have pictures i let my girls carry around espically the 2yo when she gets to talkin about him alot.she pretends all the time that he is on the phone or playin with her.my son he is 8 he knows where alex is and because he had witnessed some of what my bd has done to me is very happy with him being there.i just hope that my son is able to forgive him for what he's done and can understand the circumstances behind his actions.

sascee02
03-21-2010, 07:16 AM
That is exactly what I told my son, he lives far away right now as the same with my son this is his 2nd year of PreK and hes off to kindergarden next year and I dont want him saying to others "my daddys in jail" and I dont want him to be judged by that and not have any friends because parents forbid it. I feel terrible lying to my son but for me its in his best interest at this time.











i want to know what people tell there kids when they want to know where daddy is. i want to find out if what i tell my 5 year old step-daughter is wrong.

i tell her he is at work realy far away and he will be home soon because she just started kindergarten and i dont want her telling other kids who might mention it to there parents and they get the wrong idea about our family.