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California Sunshine 03-21-2005 10:45 PM

WTRIO Staff & Member Intros - Please join in!
Hi everyone and welcome to our new forum! I'm glad to be a part of it and this wonderful team!

Most of you know me and my story but for those that don't I'll try to wrap up the long 15 year history in a short little piece for you.My ex and I are each others first loves,met and dated in our teens and early 20's.The first few years were great then he got into drugs and our relationship was then very rocky for the next few years.We ended up going our seperate ways and eventually into other relationships.I dated and had a few serious boyfriends while he got married and had two children.We never forgot each other,I remained close to his family,he still called or sent mail from time to time but we lived in two different worlds and a relationship wasn't possible for us to maintain.

Fast foward about 8 years after our break up,He ends up seperated and in prison,I write,we remain friends for the first year then I go visit him in Nov.2003.It was like we had never been apart! I was in love all over again,he was as well and shortly after sent me a letter telling me he loved me and wanted us to have a second chance (which I had always wanted).We had a great relationship while he was in and had high hopes for the future,although there were a few little rough patches in that year I thought we got through them ok and everything would be fine.

He came home in Nov.2004 and all was well for 3 months,we had a wonderful time together,were very happy,spent time with his kids as a family and so on.I believed this was it,we would be married and live happily ever after.That is afterall what I had always wanted and what he said he wanted as well.Unfortunatly that is where my fairy tale ends :( We split up about 4 weeks ago with him saying he wasn't ready for this afterall,wanted freedom,wanted to see someone else,couldn't give me what I needed and I deserved better etc.

It's been a horribly hard month for me.I'm still absolutly heartbroken and can't believe this is how our story ends.PTO and the people here have been a big source of comfort and support for me and I think this new forum is a really,really good thing for all of us who are now in this situation or have been in the past.

StacysWar030 03-22-2005 05:50 AM

Hi everyone I'm Stacy :) And altho I'm not in this situation, I KNOW the heartache of losing a realtiosnhip where hopes and dreams were built on. My husband and I have been together for 7 years. Of course, it's not been the happiest 7 years either. At one point in our relationship, we had a split for a yr and 1/2. It was the most difficult time in my life. The saddest, most lost feeling I've EVER dealt with. We had a newborn baby at the time. All those dreams of raising her TOGETHER went straight down the tubes for a very long time. Even after he was incarcerated, we were only friends. Yes, we ended up (so far) a success story, I still completely understand the loss you may be feeling now. The deep sadness, the betrayal, anguish, and mistrust. I always describe it like death. It literally fealt like he died. I cried for days straight, couldn't get out of bed. Couldn't get myself to leave the house. When I did leave the house, a dark fog followed me everywhere. I was literlly LOST. Didn't know where to go, who to turn to. Not many understood why I still loved him, but I did. Eventually, I MADE myself date again. I got a new job. Moved out of town. Started over. It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. But life HAD to go on. I think what I hated the most thru all this, was KNOWING I have to go thru the steps before healing would begin. I just wanted the heartache to go away. But it wouldn't unless I took the necessary steps to begin the healing process.

Please KNOW that it will get better. Our goal here is to help you thru those steps so you can begin to heal and move FORWARD.

PTO Forum Leader

swtmel 03-22-2005 08:21 AM

Hello everyone and welcome to the When the Relationship is Over forum!

Let me get to introducing myself to you wonderful ladies and gentlemen!

My name is Melissa and I was involved with Josh for a little over a year. We got together while he was incarcerated on November 22, 2003. First everything was great and peachy but then things began to change fast and vicious. I never knew Josh on the outside but I thought that that would be just fine because I only heard good things about him.

I knew something was wrong when he started to demand things from me, like money and more of my time. Currently I am a full time college student so when it comes to the time department I am very busy. He started to not respect me so I broke it off. A little later on I received that I am sorry letter and fell for him all over again. That time didn't last too long either. When we broke up that second time I was determined to not go back. I was doing pretty good and then Josh sent one of my friends a letter and I fell for him again! Forunately, that round only lasted a little over a month as his demanding side was coming back.

I know it is so hard to be in love with someone and then not be with that person. I have cried myself to sleep because of how bad I feel. I know how each and everyone of us that are no longer in a relationship feels. I am here for you and will always be :D


Ms.Heather 03-22-2005 01:04 PM

Hi Everyone!
For those of you that don't know me, let me take a second to introduce myself to you. My name is Heather and I live in the tiny little state of Rhode Island.

In the summer of 1998 I met this boy, Mark he worked at the Jiffy Lube and gave me a instant oil change, he also gave me a instant friendship... because as soon as I saw him we had a connection. We spent the most part of the summer together. When summer was almost over I had to make a trip down to family in another state... and I left Mark here. It was only for a week, but to us we thought it would be years (you know how it is to be 18 and in love). So I left, even though he begged me not to go. When I came back from my trip Mark never called, and I sorta just went on with my life. But I never ever forgot him. Then in the summer of 2003, when all the focus was on a pen pal site for Susan Smith, I ventured over there out of curiosity... and much to my surprise, there was Mark. To save you a long story, we started to write and feel the old feelings that we once felt. He was doing a 20 year sentence for a crime that he had commited with a friend the week I went away in the summer of 1998. Our relationship was solid for about a year. Then the question of our future were flying. In all reality, he had a 15 year sentence to finish out... and there was no thought of parole till he did 14 of them years. I could tell that he would feel guilty for not being able to physically be there for me. Yes I loved him, but I wanted a family, a home a normal life. After hours of visiting hours talking about us, and all the questions and doubts we decided that maybe what would be best is to just be friends. It was hard at first to swallow this. I did love him and second guessed this just friends things... He was the stronger one, telling me all I needed was time to adjust to the new relationship. He was right. Time did heal my wounds.

Now, I know what everyones saying. "Just friends" NEVER works, but it has for us. I am still very close with him, we still write weekly and have our visits. He knows just about everything about me and we share with eachother more than we ever did when we were together. Our bond has strengthened and I hope that it lasts throughout.

Anyway... Welcome to the new forum. We hope to be able to provide you with the strength and SUPPORT that will get you through a break-up. We are here for you!

Hugs to all of you!

Ms.Heather 03-23-2005 02:58 AM

We know who the staff is, Lets know more about YOU!
Hey ladies (and gents)

I figure that we have a thread here to introduce us staff members, and a place where we can all tell our story on how we have made it to the "When the Relationship is over" forum, I wanted to have a place for you members to be able to share with all of us (if you wish) your story, and how you ended up here in this forum. You don't have to share every detail if you don't wish, a simple intro will do...

So lets hear it!

Have a GREAT day,


RAINA 03-23-2005 08:57 AM

THANKS, Heather!! That was easy enough. Here is my first post to PTO last November. It tells my story. I still have pain left from this even though it happened so long ago. PTO has really helped me. I was with him for about 4 years on the inside and 4 on the outside before he died for a total of 8 years. HUGS TO ALL who are hurting! {{{{{}}}}}
You don't know me. I have been reading this forum because I still, many years later, have a lot of hurt in my heart. Here's my story:

While I was in college, I met someone who was in prison. He was in prison for a long time. He did about 10 years all together. He went in when he was 16 and got out when he was 26. I met him when he was 23 and I was about 21 years old. I loved this man so much. I was so crazy about him. I understand waiting for letters and visits because I did the last four years of his sentence with him (3 in prison and then some in a halfway house.) I understand the phone bills, and the lonliness. I understand it all because I lived through it. I understand the waiting. I understand the reaction from friends and family. My friends and family were appalled. What was wrong with me? I graduated with honors from college. Highly educated. what was wrong with me is that I coudl look past this man's sins and see the true soul of the man, I loved that man and would do ANYTHING for him. I still have all of the love letters. about 19 years later. Every single one of them. I still read them sometimes. I dont' know what to do with them.

He got out. We were happy....for awhile anyway. he got a good, high paying job, and things were great. About a year after he got out, things started to change. he started drinking too heavily...started doing drugs. Started beating me. We went to counseling. that didn't help. I started getitng hang up calls. I started asking him to go to 12 step meetings with me. I did everything I knew how to do to help him. I got pregnant.

I started getitng phone calls from women telling me they were going to kill me and my unborn child. I kept asking him who it was...he always said he didn't know. He started not coming home at night ...2 and 3 days at a time. I knew I couldn't live that way much longer. I went to counseling by myself and I was told many times to leave this dangerous situation. I was the classic battered wife. I was too scared to go. he told me that he would kill me if he ever saw me with another man (and he was cheating on ME...go figure). I prayed and prayed to God, every night, to let me have a normal life. I loved him too much to leave him but hated the way things were going. I turned 28 years old. he died on June 8th, 1989. I was leaving to go to work and saw a note on my door to call the local police department. I called. They sent a policeman to my door and he told me that my man had died the night before in a motorcycle crash. his girlfriend was with him and she died too. He was drunk and using. He ran his motorcycle into the back of a semi truck. I was 9 months pregnant with our only child.

My beautiful son was born exactly one month later. I was a single mommy and a new mommy all at once. I was terrified and grieving the loss of the man who was my life. My newborn son looked exactly like him. I baptised my son in the same outfit that his father had on when he was a baby. The birth of my son literally saved my life. I had to get out of bed every morning to care of this child who was dependent on me for everything.

Fast forward 15 years later. My son is 15 years old now. He is a gifted honors student. he is my joy and my life. he is kind and compassionate with many friends. He never saw his dad. his dad never saw him. he can identify his father in pictures. I have told my son the gist of my lifewith his father. he knows that he was "troubled" without knowing all fo the details. I went to a child psychologist when he wass till very young and asked them how to tell my son this stuff. he told me to give him the basics without all fo the details. He told me NOT to tell him all of the details until he was much much older (and only then if he asked) because he said that my son should get his own identity first before finding this stuff out. I still worry about having to tell him this stuff.

I am remarried now and my new man is a good man. he is a good father to my son. It's the only father my son has ever known.

I guess I wanted to write this because I wanted to tell you all that I know how you feel. I have been there, too. I want to tell all of you to be very careful. A lot of men in prison have drugs and alcohol problems that go undetected while they are away and don't rear their ugly heads until they are free. Please be careful. Hugs and prayers and best wishes to all of you. I truly do understand how it feels to love someone so much that you can see above and beyond the bad things that they did. I wish that I would have had a place like this to come to when I was loving him (early 80's) ....
God Bless you all~

swtmel 03-23-2005 09:32 AM

I do not even know where to begin but I wanted to stop by after reading your story and give you a great big ole ((HUG)). You are a strong woman and I know that this is difficult to talk about, but I wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I am sure that you have helped so many, some that you might not even know about.



MRSMAZE 03-23-2005 09:41 AM

Hi everyone...

My name is Joy and first of all Raina(((Huge hugs to you))) I am so at a loss for words, I felt your pain reading your post. You have the blessing of having such a special son and I know that eases some of your heartache-

I am at the beginning of the end of my fifteen year relationship/marriage. Painpill addiction and countless rehabs, infidelity, incarceration, breaking the heart of our son...too much more. All that matters is that I finally realized I can eventually be happy again and I am at this point now and really appreciate other people who are/have gone through this incredibly painful process..

swtmel 03-23-2005 11:40 AM

Welcome MRSMAZE ((HUGS)) to you!



Ms.Heather 03-23-2005 02:50 PM

Raina, Thank you so much for sharing that story! We are so glad that YOU are here!


Originally Posted by MRSMAZE
All that matters is that I finally realized I can eventually be happy again and I am at this point now and really appreciate other people who are/have gone through this incredibly painful process..

MrsMaze, Welcome! This is EXACTLY what this forum is for.

Hugs to both of you :)

California Sunshine 03-23-2005 07:06 PM

Hugs to you Raina and MrsMaze,thanks for sharing your stories!

AmyLynn 03-23-2005 07:17 PM

Hello all
Hi my name is Amy.. :wave: I have been a member of pto for a while now.. I was with Louis for a little over 2 years. I was with him while he was on the outside and it was very hard then. He was on parole for the same thing that he went back in for.. I thought that he would change knowing that he had someone waiting for him but after 19 months of a relationship behind bars, I realize that he is not changing but still being the same on the inside. He was controlling in everything. It was not easy to leave him I felt so bad for leaving him that the first time I went back to him. I thought maybe that he would see that he can't live a life of using and be with me. All that happened by leaving him was he started to say things that I wanted to hear and not the truth. It took alot to really leave him. I'm a very codependent person. But I have realized that I really left long ago and it was not fair to him for me to drag this out. I really tried to do this easy for him but he is not making it easy. I really came to understand that I feel out of Love with him. He is still trying to call and write but I can't write back or take his calls cause it will not help anything out.. I have learned to be happy with myself and my kids. I have started to date a little and this time I totally went for some way different than the bad boy!!

I really hope that all of us that are comming out of a prison relationship can find happness. that there is nothing that we can't do. Ladies please keep in your mind that when one door closes another one opens!!!! We are the only ones can make ourselfs happy.. Do things that you would not do befor try new things!!! :thumbsup:

swtmel 03-23-2005 07:24 PM

louis'sgirl ((((HUGS))))

Sometimes we have to make those choices in which we really hate to have to do; but in the long run it is the best thing for everyone, including you most importantly!


StacysWar030 03-23-2005 07:46 PM

Raina, THANK YOU for sharing. I read some of your posts the other day, and they made me cry. Now, I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes again. What a powerful message you send. What a tragedy to have to endure. You are the epitomy of strength. Kudos to you. And peace to your family.

MrsMaze, THANKS for posting. It's not easy letting go. Sometimes we just have to do feels right and move on. We are here for thru this painful journey. Know that pain will soon subside and much happines will come your way ;)

Louis'sgirl, good for you for beginning the steps to move on in life. It's NOT an easy thing to do. But once the balls a rollin' things begin to fall into place. Thanks for posting.


Sunnie 03-23-2005 11:10 PM

((((((((((hugs)))))))))) Raina,louis's girl, mrsmaze
Welcome and thank you for sharing your stories with us. :)

JustLisa 03-24-2005 01:54 AM

Hi, as you can see by my name I am JustLisa.. I used to be LisaandMichael when I joined PTO over a year ago.. I met my Michael out here very briefly then he was locked up for only 10 months.. during this time is when our relationship flourished.. the letters, the phone calls, the visits. He is a meth addict (or as he calls himself now a needle junkie). I was the only girl he had ever been with who was not an addict.. our backgrounds were totally opposite.. me, college educated, no arrests, good home life growing up, etc.. him, hardly ever even went to school, both parents addicts, he was an addict since a young age.. we fell in love, he got out, we were together for a bit out here in the real world, till he decided to get high again and pretty much hasn't stopped yet... our relationship ended months ago when he left me for a girl he met at the homeless shelter they were both living at, she was just out of prison, addict, she would get high with him, etc.. Even though we technically weren't together, he would still call me almost every night, come to my house, tell me they were over, he wanted to be with me again, he loved me, missed me, etc.. but then he would always go back to her.. a while back he called me begging me to come pick him up, he was leaving her and wanted to get clean, needed my help. Me, being the caring person that I am and still caring about him greatly, went and picked him up at the place they were staying.. He was crying in my car, had been up for days and days, I brought him back to my house and basically detoxed him, made him eat, drink some fluids, took care of him all night till he finally fell asleep.. It was about the hardest thing I have had to go through.. seeing him all sucked up, he had lost about 50 lbs.. had track marks all over his arms, he was hallucinating, delirious, etc. To make this long story short, that night he stole from me, the one thing he swore he would never do, he stole two very sentimental rings of mine, one I got back from him later, one I didn't.. That was my sign that I HAD to let go of him totally.. For a while I hated him, but then I realized it wasn't him, it is the nasty drug that has a death grip on him... and I forgave him.. He still calls me from time to time.. He is never welcomed in my home again as I can't trust him.. I know that I should just break off all contact with him, I need to sever all ties to him.. but I guess I'm not ready to do that.

I still hurt for him sometimes and think about all the plans we made to be together and the things we planned to do. I feel like I was cheated out of my life with him.. But, I also know that he is too sick right now to be any good for me.. He and his girlfriend are expecting a baby and the saddest part of all of this is that they still get high..

swtmel 03-24-2005 07:11 AM

JustLisa--welcome to our little home away from home :D I am glad you found the new forum and please make sure you stay with us ;)



Ms.Heather 03-24-2005 02:44 PM

Amy and Lisa! Welcome to the forum! We are glad you are here :)

California Sunshine 03-24-2005 08:20 PM

Amy and Lisa welcome! Thanks for sharing your stories

Lisa I can relate to almost all of what you said!

Dinky 03-25-2005 02:15 AM

I met Josh back in 2003 while he was in prison. My sister had a friend and I wanted a pen pal and I got him. We wrote back and forth for 5 months until he came come. He came home on March 3, 2004 and we met on March 7th, things went great! We hit it off really well. Things moved fast for us, one day we met, the next day we were a couple. I broke up with him about 6 times in the 6 months he was home. One reason was he was really possessive, really jealous, I couldn't stand it! He would get angry about me working with guys, and I have too, it's just work! Second, he stold from me, many, many times but he only admited to doing it once! The other times he denies everything! Third, he was into coke and he was a heavy drinker! Every time we were together he was getting drunk and I hated it! Lastly, he went back to prison! Six months after he was home, after promises of having a future together, having kids, and never going back to prison, he wound up back in prison! I was the one who got him arrested! He was babysitting my neice and got drunk and was taking Xanax and dropped the pills, my neice ate one! I took her to the hospital that night and lost my guardianship of her and almost my freedom! I almost got charged with child abuse because of him!!! In the end, he got sentenced to two to fourteen years and my neice currently lives with my parents. I had thought that he made a mistake, that he could change! That the alcohol was at fault here, but as time has gone on I have come to realize that I was blind to it all! He was the one who chose to drink, he was the one who chose to take the Xanax and he was the one who put himself back in prison. For months, I have had this guilt over my head, thinking I put him back in, but I know now that it was all him! I did six months of his sentence with him, thinking this could work, but as time has gone on I realize that I cannot stay with a man who has done me this wrong, over and over again. It's not easy walking away, I do still love him. We had planned to get married, we had planned to have kids and a life together but I have woken up from that dream and I'm moving on with my life. It's time I take care of me and not anyone else. Currently, I have just starting seeing someone, a complete opposite of what I have been with and I kind of like it! I enjoy it actually! I look forward to another day now, unlike before!

JustLisa 03-25-2005 02:18 AM

Wow Dinky.. I am so glad that your niece was ok.. and I am glad you have moved on... it doesn't sound like he deserves your love... take care!!

Sunnie 03-25-2005 02:32 AM

Welcome Dinky and Lisa (((((hugs))))))))

I can relate to most of your alls stories. Thanks so much for sharing with us. :)

AmyLynn 03-25-2005 05:08 AM

Dinky I"m so gald that you posted in here.. Honey you know where I'm at if you need me.. I know how hard this is. you watched me go though this with Louis..

bsteph 03-25-2005 05:48 AM

good luck to you. I know this isn't easy and I am so sorry about your neice.

strangeanimal 03-25-2005 08:04 AM

I'm Tracey.
My guy and I were together for about 7.5yrs altogether. He molested my daughter,and got sentenced for 3yrs, but is only serving 2yrs. Our relationship...I thought was so good in all areas, we understood each other and he actually listened to me when I had something to say. I felt like myself around him, but in the meantime he was molesting my daughter, keeping up with me and playing the game, being deceitful. He is getting out this September and I thought the best thing I could do was to do the juggling act of being a support to my daughter and son and to my man while he was getting treatment inside for doing what he did. But I wasn't looking after myself very well, fell into a depression. I visited him last January, and I broke down and realized finally ....that we could never be the family that we were again. It's hard to take, but I believe that he could change, he didn't have issues with drugs or alcohol,and I know that he can change when he works on himself. but I have to look at society as well, most if not all of my friends are not happy if I choose to stay with him. I don't want to just be in a relationship with a guy, and have no friends, and we can't have the family outings again. I have to look at my happiness factor. I'm involved in a new relationship, but I'm so riddled with guilt, that I'm jeopordizing my new relationship with thoughts of " Did I do the right thing?", "I hurt him so bad, as I was his only support system" I still believe that with support he'll do well, but I can't do it. I can't be his one and only....he has to find out his own supports, I've helped him with a couple. I thought about remaining friends with him...I still have to think about it, as my thoughts change daily about it. He is my comfort zone, and I'm afraid if we were to be friends I don't know if I could just stay as friends....I know what to expect with him, and it's comfortable to me.
I'm in this new relationship now, and at times I'm riddled with guilt, images and past stuff I used to do with my prison guy. I try to push the pain, and guilt out of my head...but it's always there several times a day. This relationship is slow moving and I find I compare sometimes between the two. When my prison guy calls or writes me, it just sets me back....I miss him, and I'm angry that our family was torn up, and I want so much to have family with him...but can't, despite how I feel about him. I have to look at it logically. And give this new relationship a chance to blossom. He knows a bit of what I'm going through, and is totally different then my prison a professional view, he's a university professor, Education consultant, lots of he isn't very dependant on me, and I'm so used to be the one helping, supporting, rescuing and paying for stuff. But I want to give it a chance...

Well thats my story more or less

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