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-   -   Family knows daughter in prison, not one has called or mentioned her name (http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/showthread.php?t=711198)

mummzyjulia 04-12-2018 06:28 AM

Family knows daughter in prison, not one has called or mentioned her name
 
Hi Everyone,
I have a 25 year old daughter in prison. Not the first time she's been in trouble. I'm here because as my so called family knows she in prison no one of them has even called, mentioned her name or said anything to me. But of course judges myself and my other daughter in such a bad way as if they were talking of total strangers. I love both my daughters unconditionally as a parent should. I love my nieces unconditionally and would never say the things Ive heard about my daughter. Ive been a good Sister and Aunt to my family and now that i need them no one even knows us. Im not embarrased by what my daughter did no one person is perfect but know shes doing what has to be done to pay for her crime. I myself have never been incarcerted but the funny thing is that the family who talks the most crap about her have been in the same situation themselves. I just wish i could freely talk to them about this but they dont care or even want to care. What makes my situation more hurtful is that when my niece was a baby i cared for her as my own while her mom worked full time cause thats what family does, or at least i thought so. I dont hate my family i love them still just wish they would stand by me now when i need them.

fbopnomore 04-12-2018 07:05 AM

Welcome to Prison Talk and to the Parent's forum. I know how disappointed you must be over the way your family reacted to your Daughter's incarceration. Unfortunately you are not alone. I quickly learned much about the character of my friends and family by how they reacted to the awful situation I was in. Most of them only knew about the facts in the media. The cop made up quotes that I never said in order to make me look more evil, and the newspaper printed them as if they were true.

Eventually I decided that I was better off without the ones who turned against me so quickly.

Give them some time before you decide that they have abandoned you. Some of them might not know what to say to you without making you feel even worse. Over time you will know.

sidewalker 04-12-2018 07:26 AM

I dont know how you feel about this but......

What about telling them just what you have said here. You feel abandoned by them, and you wish they were there for you, as you were for them.
That you need them at this point.
If you are not comfortable speaking with them about it, maybe write a letter?

or maybe even invite them to dinner or lunch at a park, or your home?
Make it a pot luck?
I dunno, I throwing out ideas.

princesswife 04-12-2018 07:12 PM

This is the time for you to speak up & speak freely, call a spade a spade. The worse that can happen is exactly what they are doing now.

miamac 04-12-2018 09:36 PM

It's incredibly hard to apply, but try to remember that what people say is often more a reflection of their own experience and biases than the person that they're making comments on. Why we do that is a whole 'nother discussion, but as you've said that they have had their own struggles, their words are no doubt filtered through that.

It sounds like you've tried very hard to be a loving support person for your family and your children. I don't think you have any reason to lower yourself now because of their choices. If you do decide to talk to your family about their silence/judgement, try using I statements (cheesy, I know...). Keep it about how their choices make you feel. They may try to pull it off track and talk about your daughter's choices, but at that point they're avoiding responsibility and there's not much you can do but remind them that their actions affect you, as well.

I'm sorry this is hurting you. I'm glad you found us.

rmc50 04-13-2018 03:47 PM

I have no idea what is really going on with your extended family, but perhaps you should consider the possibility that they simply don't know how to talk about this.

Not that many years ago I would have been in such a position. I suppose I am in a similar situation now, as I have a cousin who is in and out of drug/alcohol rehab. When we meet at family gatherings that cousin/brother/son is simply not mentioned. The few times he has been mentioned I could tell that my aunt & uncle were distressed, so it reinforced the idea of simply ignoring him.

If you haven't already, my recommendation would be to take the initiative and write to all your family and discuss your daughter. Tell your family that you don't like what your daughter has done but you still love your daughter and will stand by her. Let it be known that it is okay to ask about her. Encourage them to write to her.

R. Mc.

K6770 04-14-2018 02:57 PM

mummzyjulia I'm sorry you and your daughter are going through this with your family. Being there for the other daughter in prison is tough enough. There is always hope that as time passes your nieces and sisters will one by one reach out to you and your daughters. But you need to take care of you so that you can be there for your daughters. Taking care of you means forgiving as much as you can, and finding support outside of your family (church, Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, Families Anonymous, etc). If facebook is full of toxic posts, deactivate your account. If there is a family function that you know will be cold to you and your daughter, don't go. Send love to your family whenever you get a chance, but only spend time with those who you know are not going to leave you worst for the meeting. Be unapologetic about your love and support for your daughter in prison.

Charlie's Mom 04-15-2018 09:16 AM

Unfortunately, you are at a point in your life where you will find out who your true friends and family are. You can't swell on the past and things you have done for others (I too raised a niece for 8 years in my home). You did those things because that fit into your moral code. Others don't have that same moral code even if they are family.

So leave the door open, some will return to support you and others won't. As difficult as it is now the ones who leave will give you space to welcome new friends.

Sunnielg 04-15-2018 06:25 PM

We are finding this out right now too. My husband has just started (April 10) a 30 month sentence. He has been in county lockup since the first of the year, so I have been dealing with all of this with no support from any family except my children. We have a very few friends who do try to help me as much as they can also. But, for the most part, all friends and all family have stopped even talking to me......which is ok. If they are that petty, then I dont want them in my life anyway.

Just 2 days ago, one of my husband's friends informed me that she was going to tell her husband we split up so that he wouldnt know my hubby is in prison. It really pissed me off and I have decided to cut her out of my life also.

I do hope that your family will come around soon. All of our loved ones need our support.


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