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saltlakecheer · #1 02-22-2006, 09:14 PM

Many of the posts on this site talk about penpal situations that have turned into wonderful relationships. Others have warned about being "played." I do believe that trust is important. I'm curious to know, though, what have some of the "red flags" been that your penpal, boyfriend, etc. is "playing you?" How long into the relationship have the "red flags" seemed to appear?

I have no reason to doubt my penpal yet. He always has expressed appreciation for my letters and cards. He has only asked me for stamps and the opportunity to call me. That doesn't strike me as unreasonable. He was upfront about the crimes he committed and never speaks of himself in "glowing terms."

I guess what I'm really wondering is when have you seen a good thing go bad?

**Patty** · #2 02-22-2006, 10:01 PM

Everyone's experience is different. The thing is if two people are meant to be together where they met doesn't really matter. My situation didn't go wrong.

He called a family member misdialed and got me instead. One thing leads to another and we are writing and talking on the phone. I think the reason(s) I knew he was for real included: his ability to always be honest. He could back it up and never lied. He introduced me to his mother and other key family members early on. Why do this if you are just playin? He answered every question I had and did exactly what he said he would. He didn't ask for money, his family was able to support him. He came home to me. He was exactly who he said he was no more no less. I suppose if someone is asking for money, lying or walking around the truth, has no interest in sharing you with his family assuming they exist or he is in contact would be the opposite of my experience thus raising them good ol' red flags.

Patty

silverleaves786 · #3 02-23-2006, 07:01 AM

I am not sure but when it is wrong it feels wrong, and when it is right... it feels so right

But I guess I would be worried if I couldn't speak to his family, if he kept hinting at money or if he forgot 'important' dates.

babygirl350 · #4 02-24-2006, 12:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silverleaves786

I am not sure but when it is wrong it feels wrong, and when it is right... it feels so right

But I guess I would be worried if I couldn't speak to his family, if he kept hinting at money or if he forgot 'important' dates.

I couldn't agree with you more. Only to add if he acts stange about visiting or gives reasons why you can't come on a certain day to visit. Others may be visiting.

Also if he is hesitant to send you any papers that you may want to look at like his classification papers, visiting list, account statement, calling list, blood work lab results. If he has nothing to hide and you request these, he should give them to you freely. He can always get copies made.

Another red flag sign is if he wants you to break the rules and do something against the rules. If he does this it does not show respect in my opinion.

I think the hard part for some people is to see the red flags because we are already in love and want to choose to ignor them.

Just my passing thoughts.

AaronsBeautiful · #5 02-23-2006, 08:21 AM

WHEN I STARTED OFF WITH THE PEN PALS I CAME OUT AND SAID WHAT I WANTED SOMEONE TO BE FRIENDS. THEN I STOPED THE PEN PAL THING FOR A LONG TIME THEN. I WENT BACK TO IT AND *MY WORDS WERE THIS I AM LOOKING FOR SOMEONE THAT CAN BE A FRIEND AS WELL AS SOMEONE THAT IS HUSBAND MATERIAL. I AM NOT INTO GAMES AND INTO PEOPLE THAT LIE. IF YOU CAN NOT KEEP IT HONEST THEN WE HAVE NO CONVERSATION. THIS IS HOW I STARTED MY LETTERS OFF THEN I WENT INTO TELLING THEM HOW I LOOK. I KNOW SOME OF THESE GUYS THAT ARE FINE AS ALL GET OUT GOT BIG ATTITUDES. THEY ARE GODS GIFT SORT OF SPEAK. SOME MEN WANT CARE TAKERS THAT IS NOT ME. YOU START ASKING ME FOR MONEY OFF THE BAT I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT. STAMPS AND PHONE CALLS I CAN DEAL WITH THAT. I HAD A MAN THAT TOLD ME HE NEEDS ME TO SEND HIM MONEY AND FOOD. I AM LIKE DAMN YOU AINT MY MAN YET SLOW YOUR ROLE. I WROTE HIM BACK AND TOLD HIM I AM NOT A CARE TAKER I WILL ONLY BE RESPONSABLE FOR MY HUSBAND AND MY KIDS WHEN I FIND ONE. THERE ARE NOT ANY CERTAIN WARNING SIGNS DEAR YOU HAVE TO WEED THEM OUT JUST LIKE YOU WOULD SOMEONE THAT WAS NOT IN PRISON. MEN ARE MEN NO MATTER WHERE THEY ARE. BUT ANOTHER THINGS IN SOME OF THE INMATE ADDS IT SAYS IF THEY ARE LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OR NOT. *DONATION* IS THE KEY WORD. I JUST KEEP IT REAL IN THE BEGING OF WHAT I WANT. I KEPT ON IKE TELL I GOT WHAT I WANTED LOL WE HAVE BEEN TOGATHER EVERY SINCE HE STILL HAS A PEN PAL ADD CAUSE I HAVE NOT HAD IT TAKEN DOWN YET. HE IS NOW MY FIANCE. ANYWAY I HAVE TALKED YALLS EYES OFF I AM OUT!

whiskeylullabye · #6 02-23-2006, 08:23 AM

I don't know that there really are any huge red flags, it would matter in every relationship, because we could end up being used for any number of things. I think the big one would be him not being honest and asking for money right off the bat.

I know in my relationship, he did not ask for money until I told him that if ever needed anything to ask me, I've sent him money I think 4 times in over a year and I am comfortable doing so. He's honest with me about everything, and very open with me, he's never lied to me about a single thing, from his childhood, what he does on a daily basis, to his crime.

If something doesn't feel right, that's a red flag in your situation...

liberaldog · #7 02-23-2006, 09:35 AM

My fiance refuses money, and if he ever started demanding it, I would be gone. But I dont see that happening. I think every relationship is different. Some women are just fine sending money, but he wants me to be ok above all else and doesnt want me going without for him. I spend my money on phone calls and visits, yes, but Im not expected to send money, and I like it that way.

thunder · #8 02-23-2006, 12:06 PM

My situation was not connected as a pen pal. However, each situation is different and everyone's red flags are so different.

If you are in tuned to him, you will be able to discern if he's playing you. If you feel that he is, don't second guess yourself.

When my friend was away, he sent money to me to pay for the phone bill. I never asked, but he wanted to keep the lines of communication open; therefore, he wanted to assume this bill.

With any relationship, you'll have doubts, but you have to go w/ your instincts and know that you know, he is the man for you.

Best wishes.

Dopey'sGrL · #9 02-23-2006, 01:37 PM

I posted something similiar to this, the advice i got was one you can only be used if you let someone use you, and two men incarcerated or not, u never know if you can trust them, cuz men are men..... my sister was talking to a guy who was locked up and the first phone call he was already sweet talking her and wanted her to be his "girlfriend". Silly her she said yes ( i know dumbass lol) then the phone calls started comign he wouldnt call when he said he would, and he was staying at some fire camp thing that allowed them to use the phone freely! He started asking for money claiming he wanted to buy her something sayin that if she sent him the money it would be "cheaper". She also sent him (naughty) pics that she later found out he showed them off to everyone in his dorm, eww. Then he sent his pic asking her for copies to send to his family. (yeah right) Then more sweet talking then he claimed he was inlove after like a month. So as you could see she was already suspicious, then he started asking for stamps. she would continue to write him, but never sent stamps just to see if he was real or not, and then he just stopped writing her. Now thats a classic case of being used by a guy incarcerated. Obviously im not saying all guys are like that, ive been talking to my man for like a year and a half and he hasnt asked for anything, but i sent him something for his bday and christmas cuz i wanted to. So yeah i just wanted to tell her experience and let u know the red flags, so i hope this long ass story helps you

MiaBellaAngela · #10 02-26-2006, 05:36 PM

keep track of what he tells you . in 6 mo if the story changes, something is wrong.

is he asking for for favors or money all the time? something is wrong!

does he tell you not to visit this weekend b/c blah blah blah....something is wrong.

does he keep his family from you? something is wrong!

does he keep you a secret from his family and friends? something is wrong.

saltlakecheer · #11 02-27-2006, 12:00 AM

Thank you to everyone who has responded so far to this thread. Each of you contributed sound advice which I appreciated reading. I realize that each person's situation is different, and I certainly wouldn't "let" someone play me if I had an inkling that something was wrong. I was mainly curious to see if there were common threads in situations where women had been taken advantage of by their incarcerated penpals, boyfriends, etc.

It seems that my penpal has been upfront and honest in what he has told me. He has never demanded money or necessities. He only asked for stamps in his first letter (July 2005) and has always thanked me when I've sent them, sometimes reminding me how many I could send at a time, but never out-right asking for more. He has also wanted to call me, but I have put that off until I felt I could manage another phone bill. Requesting that doesn't seem unreasonable, though. As for his family, he told me early on that he isn't close to his family because he was put into foster care at an early age. Does that sound suspicious to anyone, or just part of a difficult past? He included that information in a fairly detailed timeline of what his childhood was like, so I didn't see a need to question it. As for visits, I live in a different state, so that issue hasn't come up, yet. He hasn't demanded that I come to visit him, though, so I suppose that's a positive thing in light of the "demanding" behavior characteristic of some of the "players."

The only thing, really, that frustrates me about my correspondence with him are the lapses in communication on his end. He started out writing fairly regularly, and then I didn't hear from him from mid-October until January. I continued writing, trying to be cheerful and encouraging in my letters (he's on Death Row). When he finally did write again, he apologized, saying that he has been used to shutting the world out, so he sometimes has trouble writing. He was in the AC of San Quentin for about 4 1/2 years, having very limited contact with anyone, so communicating regularly may very well be difficult for him. He has mentioned that he's a better talker than writer, so maybe talking to me on the phone would simply be easier than writing. Sometimes the mail processing in and out of San Quentin is extremely slow. These are the various factors I always consider before just assuming that he's a flake. I'm trying really hard to be patient with him and the system.

Nonetheless, I find myself frustrated when weeks go by without a letter from him. (I haven't heard from him again since the end of January). It's not so much that I want perfectly reciprocal communication from him where he responds to every letter I send (I write about once a week). I started this correspondence in an effort to be kind, compassionate, and uplifting to him, so it's not really about what I get out of it (I'm not going to be a "sugarmama," "doormat," etc. either, though). It's enough for me to know that a card or letter from me made him smile or brought him some peace. It's also okay with me to be a shoulder to lean on when things are rough for him. I guess I just want more interaction from him so that I have a better idea of what's up.

I've contemplated what to do about my frustration: I could be really upfront and honest with him and hope he'll write a little more; accept that this is how he is and continue writing without letting it bother me; stop writing and move on. I realize that I will have to be the one to choose what suits me best, but feedback is helpful. What do you think?

Wow! I didn't intend to write so much. I guess I just needed to vent!

Thanks for your responses...

qwerty · #12 02-27-2006, 02:19 AM

I say go ahead and tell him you want more communication... my guy and I know we can get on each other's case about getting letters -- in a humorous way -- but we also know it's serious and we better get on it and start writing again!

Be confident and say what you feel -- in a kind way.

Also, I think some people just rush into things waaaaay too fast. Meet the guy face to face; take it slow and really get to know each other; trust can only be built over time...

Of course, I'm the worst case, we've known each other face to face for 3 years and I'm still SUPER careful... I love him to pieces but we are still "just friends."