Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

Sunnie · #1 06-15-2006, 02:09 AM

Women were attacked about six times more often by offenders with whom they had an intimate relationship than were male violence victims.
Nearly 30 percent of all female homicide victims were known to have been killed by their husbands, former husbands or boyfriends.
In contrast, just over 3 percent of male homicide victims were known to have been killed by their wives, former wives or girlfriends.
Husbands, former husbands, boyfriends and ex-boyfriends committed more than one million violent acts against women.
Family members or other people they knew committed more than 2.7 million violent crimes against women.
Husbands, former husbands, boyfriends and ex-boyfriends committed 26 percent of rapes and sexual assaults.
Forty-five percent of all violent attacks against female victims 12 years old and older by multiple offenders involve offenders they know.
The rate of intimate-offender attacks on women separated from their husbands was about three times higher than that of divorced women and about 25 times higher than that of married women.
Women of all races were equally vulnerable to attacks by intimates.
Female victims of violence were more likely to be injured when attacked by someone they knew than female victims of violence who were attacked by strangers.

For More Information:

nimuay · #2 06-15-2006, 06:28 AM

Super resource, Sunnie!

mandj4 · #3 08-30-2006, 04:12 PM

Thank's Sunnie for the information it helps me open my eyes to the satistics and could have or could happen to me if I din't put him in jail...

racjt · #4 05-23-2007, 05:33 PM

you put him in jail,but when he gets out and has you no longer because of a divorce,and has no family because they don't have to much to do with him,so he has noone.he has always been the type of person who didn't care who was around when he was pist at me,he would say and do what he wanted,one time we were at a blues on the green concert outside and he was drinking well i went to leave cause when he drinks he is pretty bad and he followed me and in front of everyone was grabbing my arm and jerking me around,this happened in front of many people and noone offered help,i kept looking at people but i don't know i guess noone wanted to get involved,so when he gets out should i be concerned,i am in alaska he is in cali,he is pretty psyco,i mean like he has 2 personalitys but the mean one was always there.maybe i am not making sense,my question actually is,is there a certain type of abuser that kills?how does a person know what he is willing to do?i used to hide the hammer in our house because i would always get this feeling if he got too mad at me he would use it on me,i don't put a whole lot past him,i know he is going to be really mad that he won't have visitation with our baby except for supervised..i was just kind of wanting to know if their was certain signs that would give me a hint..the reason i am asking is because i heard from his sister today that he should be out sometime in august and i guess you could say i am getting a little nervous..thanks

nimuay · #5 06-19-2007, 04:43 PM

Objectives. This 11-city study sought to identify risk factors for femicide in abusive relationships.

Methods. Proxies of 220 intimate partner femicide victims identified from police or medical examiner records were interviewed, along with 343 abused control women.

Results. Preincident risk factors associated in multivariate analyses with increased risk of intimate partner femicide included perpetrator’s access to a gun and previous threat with a weapon, perpetrator’s stepchild in the home, and estrangement, especially from a controlling partner. Never living together and prior domestic violence arrest were associated with lowered risks. Significant incident factors included the victim having left for another partner and the perpetrator’s use of a gun. Other significant bivariate-level risks included stalking, forced sex, and abuse during pregnancy.

Conclusions. There are identifiable risk factors for intimate partner femicides.
________________________

Dutton and Kerry (1999), in a study of 90 incarcerated spousal killings, found that the majority were reactive, unplanned events. More often than not, the couple had separated or was about to separate. The man was making one last desperate (and unsuccessful) attempt to convince the woman to remain in the relationship. The man then killed the partner, typically with a weapon found at the scene (knife or club) or by strangulation. Crime scene indicators showed disorganization, overkill, and feeble attempts to move or hide the body but in a way that it would be found. Suicide attempts and/or ideation were frequent. In our study, motives of anger (23), argument (9), and conflict (6), or 71%, were noted to have disorganized crime scenes with the offenders easily identified.

Familicide (killing of both the wife and minor children) is described as a dramatic reflection of men's proprietary attitudes toward women and their reproductive capacities (Serran & Firestone, 2004). One case in the younger group included the murder of a young mother and her two children. The murder of a female partner and her paramour or the female partner and children is described in the literature as an almost exclusively male activity. It is theorized that a man's feelings of possessiveness and control extend to the children; similarly, his feelings of sexual jealousy extend toward men believed to be sexual rivals, or other individuals trying to protect the woman. All of these individuals may then be targets of violence.

Roxy - look up "risk factors for femicide" - you'll find a whole lot of info that might clarify your situation. There's a lot more that I could cite, but you'll find it all

lissa832 · #6 12-12-2009, 02:28 PM

What about when women abuse men? Sometimes thats the case mentally, emtionally, phyically, what if he just lost it because of what she did. I have seen a women push a mans buttons so bad he hurt her after countless times of her abuse. shouldn't she be put in jail too?

FredIam · #7 12-13-2009, 09:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lissa832

What about when women abuse men? Sometimes thats the case mentally, emtionally, phyically, what if he just lost it because of what she did. I have seen a women push a mans buttons so bad he hurt her after countless times of her abuse. shouldn't she be put in jail too?

In Texas they won't prosecute women abusers. Even if she punches him or pulls knives on him. There is a HUGE double standard that really needs to be addressed in this country.

**LeBeau** · #8 12-12-2009, 03:48 PM

Assault is assault, no matter who commits it.

Pushing people is a crime, pushing buttons is wrong, mean and absolutely a reason to break off a relationship, but it is not a criminal act.

sunmoon728 · #9 12-13-2009, 02:05 AM

good resources. thankyou.

nimuay · #10 12-14-2009, 09:09 PM

There's a sticky in this forum called "Domestic Abuse by Women". It absolutely agrees with the idea that women can abuse, and once that's accepted, then there's no question that there should be equal punishment.

swobby · #11 04-29-2011, 05:50 AM

There is some far reaching damage done by women that get away with domestic violence and that is the attitude of the families that are the ultimate victims. Every day that my son sits in jail as a victim he gets bitterer towards the system that put him there. The fact the system has made men eunuchs is deplorable. For him to take the beating he did without striking back is a crime in itself. The worst part is it was a woman county attorney that put him there. Then the state awarded her and the judge an award for their work in the area of domestic violance. Myself I am frightfully way less synthetic when I hear of a woman being victim. I ask myself” {Is she really a victim or just using the system”?

Willowbaby65 · #12 04-29-2011, 10:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by swobby

There is some far reaching damage done by women that get away with domestic violence and that is the attitude of the families that are the ultimate victims. Every day that my son sits in jail as a victim he gets bitterer towards the system that put him there. The fact the system has made men eunuchs is deplorable. For him to take the beating he did without striking back is a crime in itself. The worst part is it was a woman county attorney that put him there. Then the state awarded her and the judge an award for their work in the area of domestic violance. Myself I am frightfully way less synthetic when I hear of a woman being victim. I ask myself” {Is she really a victim or just using the system”?

I can sympathize...a little, but not much. I know that false accusations happen, but I personally have yet to see a woman cry wolf for NO GOOD REASON.

I'm not sure if you are truly aware of what victims have to endure in order to escape their abusers. You say your son took a beating, perhaps there are photos or evidence to substantiate his claims? Maybe a witness? How about a past history? Anything? I had all of those plus more and still had to fight tooth and nail in order to just defend myself and survive the judicial system.

I assure you, at least here in Florida, it's no simple thing for a victim to even get protection, let alone justice. Florida has a zero tolerance policy, one simple little mark on a person, whether they are male OR female gets you arrested, victim or attacker makes no difference. If you both have injuries you BOTH go no questions asked.

I don't have any idea what planet you live on, but here you can't just throw out an accusation and magically get someone convicted. It's a long, slow tortuous process. Allow me to give you just a few of my "highlights". I was stripped, examined and photographed from head to toe. My home was searched for evidence. I was forced to give my account of what happened over and over and over again to a multitude of total strangers in and out of court, most of the time while the pictures of my bloody nude body were sitting right there on the table in front of them. It hit the media. My family was notified, my friends found out, my co-workers found out, even all my neighbors knew what happened without me even mentioning a word.

While waiting for the judge to decide whether or not bond would be set I had to leave my home and everything I owned behind and hide in fear for months while he and his family continued to make threats against me. Been to a DV shelter later hun? It ain't the Ramada. Try keeping a job while you have to endure countless court appearances and depositions. I can't imagine anyone who could keep their story straight and their sanity intact enough to BS through everything I went through.

I can empathize about the woman lawyer, though. My abuser had one. I was disgusted and appalled that she could defend a man who had been a 3x convicted habitual woman abuser for most of his adult life. Seems like an easy case for the DA to win right? Wrong! She had no dirt on me, so she made sure to bring up the fact that I KNEW about his past when I met him, ( so I guess that makes it MY fault that he almost killed me, right?)

You have the right to be skeptical all you want, as do I and I'd be happy to swap all kinds of stories about being bitter. I know the prisons aren't filled with convicted domestic abusers. They usually get a slap on the wrist, some stupid useless anger management classes and a few months probation while their victims spend the rest of their lives looking over their shoulder. From what I've seen You have a better chance in court getting attacked by a total stranger than you do going to trial against a loved one.

Sorry about your son swobby, maybe the someone in the Parents forum will be more sympathetic to your plight. I really don't see you getting much support here.

nimuay · #13 04-29-2011, 04:41 PM

I'm sympathetic. Because I know female abusers, and I know how tough it is for the men they abuse. And it starts when they're young. Ask a few teen girls if they've hit their boyfriends . . . probably about 7 out of 10 will tell you they have. And it doesn't always go away as they mature.

Go up to the sticky titled "Domestic Abuse by Women", swobby. We do know it happens.

swobby · #14 04-30-2011, 08:46 AM

The police in my son’s case did an excellent job of taking photos. They told the woman to sit down so a female officer could come in and photograph her: Her statement is on the record; ‘I’m not going to be photographed because he didn’t hit me”. Is that plain enough? The cop was dumb founded because he was planning on arresting the woman. But true to form the county attorney was hired by the federal government to work as federal prosecutor.
Any time a citizen complains about someone in the” law business” they get promoted.

BritneyGiggles · #15 09-11-2011, 03:26 PM

How i see it, if a man is being abused weather it is emotionally or physically . . . .why doesn't he leave? Are you kidding me? We all know that Men are naturally stronger than women. he doesn't have to be there if he doesn't want to be. he doesn't have to retaliate . . .or you can shake a woman up without beating her senseless or killing her

i don't know i don't condone woman beating at all . no matter what she says to you . . .if you guys are getting into an argument you telling me you can't say something equally hurtful or walk away you have to put hands on her? some of you women sound brainwashed

my boy friend who is in jail right now has ADHD . . and he has the craziest temper I've encountered. and he is well known for beating up on his women. he shoved a cellphone down his ex girl friends throat and he kicked her in her stomach repeatedly. of course i didn't find this out till later.

we got into fight i busted his lip and blackened his eye cause he punched me in my jaw. .. as you can imagine it hurt! I've never been hurt before so i wasn't used to that and i didn't know how to respond. anyway after things calmed down I scared him . . . i told him one day even if it's not now. you'll think everything is ok but i never forget. . and eventually you have to use the bathroom, or fall asleep or turn your back and when you look for me i'll be gone forever. and he didnt believe me until random days we would be chilling and everything was fine and i would just randomly go and come back later LOL !!! so he hasn't hit me since. he actually started hitting himself smh

bumblebee37 · #16 09-11-2011, 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BritneyGiggles

How i see it, if a man is being abused weather it is emotionally or physically . . . .why doesn't he leave? Are you kidding me? We all know that Men are naturally stronger than women. he doesn't have to be there if he doesn't want to be. he doesn't have to retaliate . . .or you can shake a woman up without beating her senseless or killing her

i don't know i don't condone woman beating at all . no matter what she says to you . . .if you guys are getting into an argument you telling me you can't say something equally hurtful or walk away you have to put hands on her? some of you women sound brainwashed

my boy friend who is in jail right now has ADHD . . and he has the craziest temper I've encountered. and he is well known for beating up on his women. he shoved a cellphone down his ex girl friends throat and he kicked her in her stomach repeatedly. of course i didn't find this out till later.

we got into fight i busted his lip and blackened his eye cause he punched me in my jaw. .. as you can imagine it hurt! I've never been hurt before so i wasn't used to that and i didn't know how to respond. anyway after things calmed down I scared him . . . i told him one day even if it's not now. you'll think everything is ok but i never forget. . and eventually you have to use the bathroom, or fall asleep or turn your back and when you look for me i'll be gone forever. and he didnt believe me until random days we would be chilling and everything was fine and i would just randomly go and come back later LOL !!! so he hasn't hit me since. he actually started hitting himself smh

I've seen all kinds of abuse and it included men, women, children, the elderly, mentally challenged, and siblings against one another.
I don't know if you are making light of the situation where your boyfriend shoved a cell phone down someones throat but that's some pretty scary stuff you are talking about.
It sounds like you two had a good scuffle beating one another up, blacking eyes, busted lip and a hit to the jaw.

Maybe you think it is funny or maybe you think it won't happen again but I wouldn't lay any money on it.
Hitting himself? That's different. What are you going to do if he beats the hell out of himself and the police arrest you for battering him? All he has to do is have a few scratches or bumps and you will be handcuffed and hauled away. They (the police) don't have to listen to a strange story of how he abuses himself because they will be looking for an 'abuser'. With that story he would be locked up for 72 hours in a psychiatric unit and you would be charged with domestic violence.
The laws surrounding domestic violence are no longer just for 'men', sometimes they take both and place no contact orderes to end the relationship threw a court of law. And God help you if there is anyone under 18 in the house when it happens because Child Protective Services is in your life your at least 18 months.
bb

nimuay · #17 09-11-2011, 08:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BritneyGiggles

How i see it, if a man is being abused weather it is emotionally or physically . . . .why doesn't he leave? Are you kidding me? We all know that Men are naturally stronger than women. he doesn't have to be there if he doesn't want to be. he doesn't have to retaliate . . .or you can shake a woman up without beating her senseless or killing her

i don't know i don't condone woman beating at all . no matter what she says to you . . .if you guys are getting into an argument you telling me you can't say something equally hurtful or walk away you have to put hands on her? some of you women sound brainwashed

my boy friend who is in jail right now has ADHD . . and he has the craziest temper I've encountered. and he is well known for beating up on his women. he shoved a cellphone down his ex girl friends throat and he kicked her in her stomach repeatedly. of course i didn't find this out till later.

we got into fight i busted his lip and blackened his eye cause he punched me in my jaw. .. as you can imagine it hurt! I've never been hurt before so i wasn't used to that and i didn't know how to respond. anyway after things calmed down I scared him . . . i told him one day even if it's not now. you'll think everything is ok but i never forget. . and eventually you have to use the bathroom, or fall asleep or turn your back and when you look for me i'll be gone forever. and he didnt believe me until random days we would be chilling and everything was fine and i would just randomly go and come back later LOL !!! so he hasn't hit me since. he actually started hitting himself smh

Brittney, I can't begin to understand what about this constitutes a relationship, much less a healthy one. ADHD does not automatically mean abusive! And you! You actually want to stay in a relationship where you are threatening to kill HIM! You are as wrong as he is, in every way.

Now, as to leaving - men do not leave any more easily than women do, and that means that it takes 7-10 times before anyone actually gets away. Men suffer from the same problems as women do - they cannot handle the financial strain, they are afraid to leave the kids with the abusive parent, they love their partner . . . all of those and more.

As to him hitting himself - you seem almost to be proud of having created this behavior. You're wrong. That can escalate, quite easily, into suicide . . . it's called self-harming. IF that isn't what happens, then it will likely spill out onto others - and some great pain will come of it.

Each of you needs counseling, therapy, meds - I don't know what combination, what variety, but you need something.

illusionist · #18 07-18-2012, 06:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BritneyGiggles

How i see it, if a man is being abused weather it is emotionally or physically . . . .why doesn't he leave? Are you kidding me? We all know that Men are naturally stronger than women. he doesn't have to be there if he doesn't want to be. he doesn't have to retaliate . . .or you can shake a woman up without beating her senseless or killing her

i don't know i don't condone woman beating at all . no matter what she says to you . . .if you guys are getting into an argument you telling me you can't say something equally hurtful or walk away you have to put hands on her? some of you women sound brainwashed

my boy friend who is in jail right now has ADHD . . and he has the craziest temper I've encountered. and he is well known for beating up on his women. he shoved a cellphone down his ex girl friends throat and he kicked her in her stomach repeatedly. of course i didn't find this out till later.

we got into fight i busted his lip and blackened his eye cause he punched me in my jaw. .. as you can imagine it hurt! I've never been hurt before so i wasn't used to that and i didn't know how to respond. anyway after things calmed down I scared him . . . i told him one day even if it's not now. you'll think everything is ok but i never forget. . and eventually you have to use the bathroom, or fall asleep or turn your back and when you look for me i'll be gone forever. and he didnt believe me until random days we would be chilling and everything was fine and i would just randomly go and come back later LOL !!! so he hasn't hit me since. he actually started hitting himself smh

Britney,I'm not poking or blaming you.
I think your boyfriend has serious problem.
He doesn't leave you cause he depends you.
I afraid this will bad pattern called co-dependence,which makes difficult to leave.

You said "brainwashed",
DV is like brainwash.Battered woman gradually thinks "This is my world".

Before that,kick his ba@@ and leave or get counseling,If you think you can build good relationship with him.

Good luck,lady! (and sorry about my messy English!)

P.S I realized Just Now!!! sorry for super bump!

illusionist:this post is from iPhone

**LeBeau** · #19 09-11-2011, 04:59 PM

Abuse is abuse, no matter what the gender is of the victim or the abuser....and men are conditioned in our society to reject the idea that they CAN be victims of domestic abuse. An awful lot of men are out there stuck in horrid situations because they don't even realize it's abuse and, if they do, there are few resources available to male victims and even more hurdles in some ways than a female victim faces.

BritneyGiggles, I see that you're quite new to PTO and, of course, to this forum in particular so you may not know that we strive to be a safe haven for folks with few other places to turn. With the history of violence you describe, I'm not convinced yours is a safe situation but that's not the question at the moment.
Please don't make others who come here seeking answers and support feel that they'll be laughed at or disbelieved.... your willingness to deal with your relationship "As Is" does not mean everyone can or should do so and it's usually far more complicated, emotionally and practically, than "Just leave".

yourself · #20 09-11-2011, 06:00 PM

Abused men can leave about as easily as abused women. It's not a matter of sheer physical strength; it's a matter of emotional dependence, and grooming a person to the point that they are willing to accept the most egregious conduct as "normal" and "loving".

I see from your post that your bf already has you accepting his excuse - he has ADHD and a bad temper. Sorry, that's not a license to lay violent hands on another person. Ever. But, you're already paying at least lip service to his ADHD excuse. Hope you read up and find out what's really going on with him.

FWIW, men and women who are so crazy they can't control themselves are in prisons or mental hospitals. Men and women who are that crazy don't make excuses. Many times, they are not even aware that they are violent, not until they're on antipsychotics and they see examples of their behavior. Men and women who cannot control themselves when it comes to violence are not walking around in free society. If you want to believe his ADHD is causing him to act like that, then you aren't paying attention; the inability to prevent yourself from harming others will get you committed against your will to a mental facility against your will. You stay there until you're better - that means lots of time, lots of doctors, lots of medication, and sent back and locked up for punching your gf in the jaw. If he doesn't have a therapist, doesn't have a shrink, and has never been civilly committed, he can control himself. He just doesn't, like every other batterer, male or female.

You should also know, batterers are in every type of relationship; they are heterosexual, homosexual. They are children and old people. They are your age, and mine. You think it's hard for a man to admit he's a victim of domestic violence, imagine how difficult it is if the batterer is your teenage child. Under-reported DVs include; child on parent, husband on spouse, adult children on geriatric parent, and partners in homosexual relationships. Parents on child and man on woman are common enough that they've gained some popular acceptance. That doesn't diminish these other victims - it just makes it harder for those victims to get appropriate help. And it also means that all too often, the victim gets mistaken for the perpetrator.

wickit · #21 09-11-2011, 07:27 PM

It sounds to me like this has become a game to you. So now he's hitting himself and you randomly come and go when things are fine and in my opinion it is just adding fuel to the fire. What happens is he explodes one day and you can't get away or have nowhere to run. With ADHD it is not a good idea to be pushing his buttons, why not leave and just not come back?

illusionist · #22 07-18-2012, 06:09 AM

Forgive me just mention about ADHD...
I'm DV victim side,living in Japan,never hit other person(unless they're stranger and attack me<twice in my life)

Aggressiveness is not only for ADHD,and typical ADHD people have higher language skill,lower motion(?)skill.like me,talk a lot.Having lower social skill is a minus,which we should build by ourselves.

I knew recently a expression "blame my ADHD"as excuse,which I felt so convenient,too convenient.Beating or too much talking( sorry)or other problem are not only because of ADHD.

In U.S,ADHD is well known,so I studied for myself using my second language,but I feel like It makes "person who have ADHD as part of him/her" equal "ADHD person".

It's a bit different,I guess.
Sorry about talking too much,blame my ADHD.(j/k)

illusionist:this post is from iPhone