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Eyeswife · #1 06-03-2008, 09:21 AM

I am so confused and I d on't know what to do.......................I am not sure if my husband is just being a major asshole cause he is going thru it! I know that some of this is my fault, but this is all very hard for me to grasp!

My husband has been in and out of prison for the last 10 years and I sent him a letter asking him if he was going to change!? Asking him if drugs and alcohol and hs homegirls were going to be out of the picture or if he was just writing this to appease me!! And well he has gotten very pissed off at me and has told me he is going to leave me! I am so scared! I love him more than anything in this world and I don't know what I will do with out him! I went to visit him last weekend and got turned away! When I got home that day I checked the mail and the letter said DON'T come visit me. So I think he denied his visit with me!

See here is a quick rundown on my husband, sober he is the most amazing loving caring man in the world! But when that needle full of meth or herion hits his arm or neck , or that line of coke or meth hit his nose, or that smoke of meth, pot KJ or PCP hit his lungs he turns into a very mean man, that has scared me so many times no he has never hit me has he punched holes in walls beat up other ppl cause he was mad at me yes!! And the things he gets mad at are the stupidest things! And I know that its the drugs but thats why I am asking cause this isn't the first time he has said he was going to change and didn't!!

I know he has to change for himself and I can't make him!! But this is so hard!! I have never said anything about leaving him! And he says he is filing for divorce and that he is paroling to another house and he will never see me!

What do I do? Play his game, not go see him, not write him, or do I push it and go see him and continue to write!?!

Please help!

JKB's Girl · #2 06-03-2008, 02:20 PM

I know there are no pat answers to your dilemma, however......I'm a firm believer in the fact that you only go around once in this life, and its way too short to put up with bullsh*t. No matter how you slice it, he is abusive to you, whether drugs are involved or not, he is emotionally abusive to you.

Whether or not YOU want to put up with his behavior is completely up to YOU. Me, personally, I'd let him stew in his own juices. I've said it many times on here and to friends who are doing this prison life out here. This road is hard enough when they are good to you, but to do this when they are going to be manipulative and abusive, no freakin way!!!!

Eyeswife · #3 06-03-2008, 02:28 PM

Yea thats what I am thinking!! I have done everything for him and been slapped in the face had many sleepless lonley nites! Scared nites not knowing what he was going to do next!! If anything he should be appriciative of me and love me for me!! I am scared to leave tho!!

ladyjgermany · #4 06-03-2008, 04:25 PM

I think JKB'S Girl said it right. He is emotionally abusing and manipulating you. I say get a backbone and move on. You deserve to be treated with respect. I wish women would realize that love does not mean mental,physical and emotional abuse. If you love him, you need to love yourself more. Good luck!

Eyeswife · #5 06-03-2008, 04:32 PM

I know I do and I am starting to LOVE ME!! And I think thats why this is soooo hard yet so easy! Does that even make sence!! I am soooo lost and confused!! I hate this~!!

But I love that I have NOT been scared for a few months!!!

I just feel like a failure!! I love him!! You know I wonder what happens to him if I leave him where will he go?!? Will he be okay?!? Who will take care of him!>! I know I am a big sissy!! This is all just so confusing for me!! I wish I just knew what to do!!

What scares me the most is what he will do to me when he gets out!!

ladyjgermany · #6 06-03-2008, 04:38 PM

Can I ask you, How old is he? Is he old enough to take care of himself? I know you are confused, but there has to come a time in ones life when they have to stand up and be responsible for themselves. Have you ever asked yourself what do you want out of you relationship with this man?

Eyeswife · #7 06-03-2008, 04:48 PM

He just turned 32 2 weeks ago! He has to learn to grow up!! and I know maybe he is going to change but I can't take this heartache!! Its not healthy for me!! And maybe me moving on will make him see what he is worth and the next women that he is blessed with will get him 100%

my-T-sad · #8 06-03-2008, 04:48 PM

Honey, I am no good giving advice in this type of situation because I always feel like people aren't wanting advice they are just needing comfort. When they have finally had enough they get up and are gone. Having said that, what I am good at is praying and I'm going to pray for you to have strength to get you though whatever it is you do.

sanjaaguirre · #9 06-03-2008, 07:14 PM

I feel bad for how you feel right now...and I can't say what i would do in your situation...but what I would hope i would do is let him go...live my life. because like the others said life is just too short! Let him feel what it's like to be without you! Right now he's being a jerk to make himself feel good...or maybe he knows that he can't change and wants to push you away to save you from anymore hurt. All i know is that whatever the reason let him have his way right now and IF it's meant to be...things will work and if not...? then you've gotten on with your life

Hope I helped some

NittysWife · #10 06-03-2008, 07:31 PM

Girl my heart aches for you. He doesn't know how good he has it to have a woman willing to stand by him through this storm. If it was me my heart would have to ache because I would leave him alone. I hope you figure out what is the right thing to do for you. Keep us updated.

DavidsGirl4Ever · #11 06-03-2008, 07:58 PM

I really hope you can find the strength to do what's right for you. I agree with all the replies above...you need to start with loving yourself and then see that this is emotional abuse. If he says he's going to change but is treating you like this after all you have done...visits, money on his books, letters, care packages and so on then obviously he is not and has not changed. find something better because you deserve better.

Eyeswife · #12 06-04-2008, 02:24 PM

So today I get a letter from im stating that he loves me sooo much and he can't live without me and that he won't live with out me!! But that if I go to the bars or anything he will be sending his homeboys out to check on me and that they will put hands on whoever I am!! But I am NOT hanging out with anyone but my girlfriends and his family are the only males that I have been with!! I am NOT a bad person!! This is so hard for me!! Then he asked me when I will come be visiting him again!! I am soooo confused!! Its hard!! I just wanna cry I am breaking down!! This is the hardest thing EVER that I have ever been going thru!!

Why is he making things soooo hard on me? I have suppored him through everything and taken care of everything that he has ever needed!!!

I don't deserve this and you guys are all right but where do I go from here............
What will he do to me when he comes home........................
What will he do to the next man I meet.........................

I don't wanna run away!!

jaelsangel · #13 06-04-2008, 02:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eyeswife

So today I get a letter from im stating that he loves me sooo much and he can't live without me and that he won't live with out me!! But that if I go to the bars or anything he will be sending his homeboys out to check on me and that they will put hands on whoever I am!! But I am NOT hanging out with anyone but my girlfriends and his family are the only males that I have been with!! I am NOT a bad person!! This is so hard for me!! Then he asked me when I will come be visiting him again!! I am soooo confused!! Its hard!! I just wanna cry I am breaking down!! This is the hardest thing EVER that I have ever been going thru!!

Why is he making things soooo hard on me? I have suppored him through everything and taken care of everything that he has ever needed!!!

I don't deserve this and you guys are all right but where do I go from here............
What will he do to me when he comes home........................
What will he do to the next man I meet.........................

I don't wanna run away!!

Ok OK...
I dont wantto sound crazy,but who are u living for him or you? You are out here and i am all for stand by your man because I am standing by mine, but I will tell you this, I left my man at on point for alot of years, he had to learn tolove and appercaite me for the fablous woman that I am,

I think that you should move on, who the hell does he think he is turing you away at vists, or sending you crazy ass letters, and you are holding him down, its not righ at all.

You deserve better, and al that with the jhaving his homeboys schekin for you while you are out...what is that ....thats not cool or fair, he is trying to have you locked up like he is....I dont want you to take any of this the wrong way...I just hate to see this, having you going all crazy and stuff..all of our be should be GREATTFUL to have us in their lives....

As for moving on and what he will do to your next man I cant say but if he is getting mad for aking him if he is gonna change...thats not righ..also I have learned that sometimes our men "jail talk" us, then when they get home the mess goes out the window,so if I were you I would use caution be careful with your heart and love yourself more...

Sorry if i am harsh...i dont mean to be....

take care of yourself

Eyeswife · #14 06-04-2008, 03:25 PM

Thank you!!! I need someone to be harsh!! I am NOT sayin that I will leave for good but I need some proof that things will be different this time!! I need to know that he is going to be here for me and worry about me and NOT everyone else!! I need to worry about me!! Maybe him parolling to a treatment center is what he needs!! Thank you Jaelsangel!! THANK YOU!!!

my-T-sad · #15 06-04-2008, 05:12 PM

If you are truly afraid of him and his boys there are people who will help you get away. look in the phone book for some kind of crisis line they should be able to give you a number to get the ball started that is if you really want to leave. Sounds like to me azzwipe has the "if I can't have her nobody will bullshyte going on"

Eyeswife · #16 06-04-2008, 05:24 PM

Yea he does but thats just when he is high thats why I am believing that he is getting dope in there!! I dunno don't wanna asume I just hafta wait!!!

mistydawn · #17 06-04-2008, 05:24 PM

I didn't follow through and read the WHOLE post but i DID read the initial thread starter and I can completely relate to having a husband that has an addiction that changes who he is. If your husband truly wanted to change and be a different person then in my opinion he wouldn't get defensive and shut you out. Maybe it's too soon for him, but i would def give him some space and not write or accept his calls. I know, easier said than done. I love my husband like no other and could NEVER imagine my life without him. But i know i would have to if i needed too. You deserve so much better and i believe that no human being should have to go through the chaos of being in a relationship with an abusive addict. It destroys lives. Stay strong and show him that your confident in your independence.

iloveyoumore · #18 06-04-2008, 08:53 PM

I have been in mentally abusive relationships before and what your guy is doing is so typical. If he really knew how to love you in a healthy way and was intent on changing to be the kind of man you deserve he would tell you to leave because he loved you too much to put you through his ***t anymore. He is playing his games and he knows exactly what to say and do to get you to freak out and leave you confused but soooo thankful that he is being nice again. I used to get that from an ex. I would be all upset thinking "this is it. it is over for good." Then he would be so sweet and loving and I remember thinking at the time, "I can go back and it will be the same or I can tell him to **c* off and be miserable for awhile" then I would usually go back because I couldn't stand the pain. It went around and around like that for a long time. I was dying and I never knew whether to **i* or go blind. Keeping you off balance is a way of controlling your behavior. I could go on all night about this stuff. You deserve so much better and trust me it won't be long before you are the one getting hit. He may not remember doing it but the odds are it will happen. Take care of yourself and stay strong.

Eyeswife · #19 06-05-2008, 02:48 PM

So I know you all are going to think "What a dumb Dumb girl" But I have decided that I am going to see where this goes! I recieved a letter from him and he told me how sorry he was and that these last few days without letters from me have been really hard and that he understands where I am coming from! And that he will be getting counseling for his ANGER, ADDICTION, TEMPTATION and TEMPER!

I have made it very clear to him that I am a women and I deserve to be treated the right way! And that I will not put up with his crap anymore!

I love him so much and he is my BEST friend!! I can't imagine my life with out him!! We have been good friends for 8 years and together for 2 1/2 years and married for 1 year!! I have ALOT of time energy and love invested into this friendship and marriage!! And I am NOT ready to give up on him that quick!! Thank you all for your support harsh, caring words it has all helped me!

I said a prayer last nite and I asked God to guide me in the right path and to help me make my mind up and my mind was so clear this AM!!

Thank you all

I couldn't get through this without you all!!

itsybitsyspider · #20 06-05-2008, 02:59 PM

Judging by the things you've said (and these are just my lowly opinions) you already know what needs to be done. I always tell my girlfriends that love has everything and nothing to do with it. It being everything.

iloveyoumore · #21 06-05-2008, 03:42 PM

If he gets help on the inside and stays away from drugs and old friends there may be hope for him. Time will tell. You are not necessarily dumb for sticking it out lots of women choose that. If you are praying for answers about this relationship be sure you are open to the answers! Best of luck.

VanessaFigueroa · #22 06-05-2008, 04:25 PM

Let him feel the lose of a good thing... He is taking you for grated....

VanessaFigueroa · #23 06-05-2008, 04:28 PM

Oops... what I meant to say is "He has taken you for granted to long"...

Eyeswife · #24 06-05-2008, 04:31 PM

LOL!!! I think that he has relized that!! I have never turned my back on him in the 8 years that I have known him and in a week of not writing he has changed his tone a bit!! Which is good!!

We will see I just have to pray everyday for the strength!!

Rene.E2008 · #25 06-05-2008, 05:08 PM

I think and know you can find someone better. He's flat out using you. No doubts about it. He sees you are trying to leave so he's trying to "apologize" for all his wrongs.

I don't know what to tell you other than, just leave. It may be hard but everyday you are with him, another day you loose with that "perfect" man that may be out there waiting for you.