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~cheenna~ · #1 12-04-2003, 08:57 PM

Hi All ...
I’m one of the new Research Assistants working on “Coming Home”. As many of you know, I have a vested interest in this particular area because my son, Marcus, will soon be coming home ... but, equally as important I have an interest in my PTO family as this is a subject that is close to all of our hearts. We ”ALL” want our loved ones to succeed when it is their time to come home. As I have read through many of the posts these last few days concerning your loved ones coming home and the problems you are either now experiencing or anticipate experiencing it is evident that there are a lot similarities in the problems faced.

As this is a topic of concern for all of us I will be hoping that y’all will help me with this by submitting any information that you have; ... first, on what some of you may have already gone through ... second, on what you may have found in looking for the information in anticipation of your loved one coming home.

Since we are such a large family and still growing it will be a while before we are able to cover the peculiarities of each state but in time this is exactly what we will be hoping to accomplish ... for now we will be devoting this forum to generalities with somewhat of an over shadowing of Texas info since this is where I am located and it will be easier to get more information here. That being said, this is also an area where many of you can assist me by giving me your takes on what you know in each of your home states or the ones you have dealt with.

Some ideas I have at this time are;

What are they experiencing before being released, i.e. increased anxiety, anger, grand expectations and etc.
What has the “system” done to prepare them for release and is it realistic to what they will encounter?

How do they get home?
What are their expectations of you and others, family members and friends, when they do come home?
What do they feel is the most important thing of coming home, i.e. in the first few days
first meal
a private shower
going for a walk alone
buying clothes, themselves or you
health concerns
loud noises
being alone
not answering to anyone, i.e. “don’t ask me where I’m going”
getting a job
not finding a job
and “?”

What does your state’s Parole Office list as “have to’s”?
What does/has your loved one’s Parole Officer “demand(ed)”?
Are the differences in the two unrealistic?
How has your loved one dealt with his Parole Officers demands?
What assistance do you expect from your Parole Officer?
What assistance have your received from your Parole Officer?
What avenues are available for grievances with your Parole Officer?
Have you had viable assistance in seeking employment?

The above is not an end all list, it will be added to as I think of something or one of you remind me of another topic.

I also want to develop a list of “employment sources” aside from the local “State Employment” office.

As time goes on and info is gathered here we will attempt to sort and categorize it so if something you have posted seems to disappear, please, don’t be alarmed as we will only be trying to set this up where it is the easiest to seek the specific info for your needs without having to wade through everything else.

Last but certainly not least ... I am open to any and all ideas here ... this is for all of us so if you have a suggestion or question, post it here or if you’d rather, PM me anytime.

FriscoLady · #2 12-05-2003, 03:18 AM

China,

Welcome aboard, I am certainly happy to have you here as Research Assistant!

I think having your added research and imput to the forum will be a wonderful source of information!

Patti

Valerie · #3 12-05-2003, 09:10 PM

China, You have some great ideas. I know you'll do a wonderful job and be of help to so many.

~cheenna~ · #4 12-08-2003, 07:20 PM

Frisco, thank you

Valerie ... thank you for your kind words ... there is so much information out there that needs to be gathered, it is almost a little over whelming but ... with the help of all our family here who have "had" a loved one come home or who "is" coming home I think we will be ale to get a good grasp of the situation in time with at least some elemental skills to work with to help them all succeed

squid · #5 12-09-2003, 10:30 AM

Some ideas I have at this time are;

[will try and answer but i am so 'old'; 1990]

What are they experiencing before being released, i.e. increased anxiety, anger, grand expectations and etc.

[anxiety; i am going to be all alone, in a homeless shelter, need surgery; i should stay here with my 'prison family' instead, i won't get heath care but i won't be all alone. my friends here know this and the guards let them pack my stuff,
cuz i am not. my lifer friends are a little mad cuz they would give anything in reason to be in my shoes but they try to ease my worries. i wrote this as if it were 1990]

What has the “system” done to prepare them for release and is it realistic to what they will encounter?

[a person can prepare themselves by how they conduct their life inside]

How do they get home?

[hopefully atleast a spiritual volunteer will drive them]

What are their expectations of you and others, family members and friends, when they do come home?

What do they feel is the most important thing of coming home, i.e. in the first few days

[belonging]

buying clothes, themselves or you
[you might think that everyone in the store 'knows' and you are being looked at more closely than 'normal' customers]

health concerns
[definetly; getting insurance to get the needed care]

not finding a job

[yes, especially if you are not healthy and in this market]

and “?”
[housing]

What does your state’s Parole Office list as “have to’s”?
[some states put out a handbook]

What assistance have your received from your Parole Officer?
[in 1990, you were all on your own to make it]

Have you had viable assistance in seeking employment?
[back in 1990, at the prison was a very successful job placement program, with an almost no recidivism rate by its graduates, but i hear the gov. cut that program a few years later; nuts!]

The above is not an end all list, it will be added to as I think of something or one of you remind me of another topic.

[what assistance do my victims need?]

[what is the defining moment that I am a good citizen instead of an exoffender?]

I also want to develop a list of “employment sources” aside from the local “State Employment” office.

[volunteering can be useful towards employment and it is a good thing anyway]

[hope this helps some]

~cheenna~ · #6 12-15-2003, 04:28 AM

Hi All,

I really need some input here ... if you have a loved one on the way home, please list the thoughts they may have shared with you ~

If you, yourself, have been released, please list the areas of difficulty that you may have experienced and the successes you had ~

Even if you previously posted this information elsewhere on PTO, we really need it here, too

thanks,

~cheenna~ · #7 12-15-2003, 06:49 PM

~cheenna~ · #8 12-16-2003, 08:49 PM

common guys ... I know we have ex-inmates in the family as well as many who have just had a loved one come home or will be coming home ... please, help me here

squid · #9 12-17-2003, 06:52 AM

hi, if you ask some questions, i will do my best to try answer but keep in mind, it is different for feamales, different if there is no substance abuse and the world has changed alot since my coming home 1989..

s.

Eboniizs · #10 12-17-2003, 08:21 AM

I hope I’m about to respond in the way you intended.

My OJ comes home in 49 days after being gone 17 years. He’s been in Illinois prisons on a murder conviction. This was his one and only brush with the law, and hopefully his last. OJ is guilty of being present when the crime occurred, he did not have a gun and the shooting stemmed from an argument between one of the men he was with and another person, yet the two men along with the shooter all received prison time.

We speak almost daily.. He told me last night that he feels positive about 80% of the time, when I asked him what has him feeling negative the remaining 20% of the time, he couldn’t be very specific. But then he went on to speak about how society will view him and if people will judge him solely on his conviction.

We found out yesterday that he will be on an Electronic Device for an indeterminate time period, meaning it could remain for the entire three years of his parole. I think I was more upset than he was with that news. He said and I quote “nothing they do surprises me, you hope for the best, but be prepared for the worse”.

OJ has asked me to please refrain from making any negative comments; I don’t think I’ve ever said anything negative, I call it being realistic. Sometime I feel he’s setting himself up for failure, and I feel as the person who loves him most on this earth it’s my responsibility to keep him grounded. But he takes some of what I say as me being negative. For example when he speaks about job opportunities, I know from my years of meeting other women through my weekly visits, the issues their men have encountered upon release. I’ve said to OJ, “I know you’ll find work, it may not be exactly what you want in the beginning, but in time, you’ll find a job that you like”.

OJ’s mom God love her, has sent him 100.00 a month for his entire incarceration. OJ has a saving account with more that 4k, and also has purchased stocks. His big dream is to invest that money into rental property as soon as possible. Going back to his employment potential, he knows he is going to need an alternative income source, because he’s in his 40’s without the luxury of a pension plan in place, he feels he needs to take steps to insure his/our future.

I will be picking OJ up the morning of his release; if I weren’t available the state of Illinois would purchase him either a bus or train ticket to get back to his home area. Inmates are also given a check in the amount of 50.00 upon their release from Illinois prisons.

Last year OJ purchased through the commissary new under clothes, in his mind he knew it would be the last purchase of these type of garment that he would need, So he kept a pair of boxers, a t-shirt and socks neatly folded (never worn) for the day he’s released. Over the past year I have made monthly clothing purchases for OJ, when he gets home he’ll find he has an entire wardrobe waiting.

He’s said to me twice in the past month, that he wants to feel like he’s home and not just a visitor. So I’ve been trying to accomplish that by clearing space that is all his. In the master bath I’ve emptied out his side of the double bowl vanity, and have all his toiletries and colognes in there, like he’s always been here.

I told him I would wash all the new clothing and have it in his dresser, but he asked me not to do that. He wants to feel like the items are his and if they are already laundered, he’ll feel like they were someone else’s. (I think that’s’ a lil crazy) But if the situation were reversed I guess I may feel the same. So even though I have all his toiletries under the vanity, I left them all in their manufactures packaging, for him to open.

His first meal request has changed over the years, but they’ve never been extravagant. At one time he asked that I make a pot roast, then he changed it to (you ready for this) meatloaf, now he asked if I would fry some fish. OJ hates fast food, and is looking forward to good ole home cooking.

He also said in our conversation last night that he can’t wait to take a “real bath” and sleep on a real mattress.

I asked him if he thought he’d be shy around me after all these years. Personally for me, it’s going to feel like the first time. He just laughed and said babe, for 17 years I’ve had to shower with hundreds of different men, if I ever was shy I can say I’m not anymore”.

We’ve spoke in detail about his three years of parole, over the many years he’s been in he’s known many many men that have been violated and sent back to prison, some for nothing more than having a piss poor PO, that had it out for them. He’s told me, that he plans on following all their rules to the tee.. but knows he has no control over a PO lying. We know if God forbid the worse happens and he does get violated, the worse they can do to him is make him serve half of his remaining parole time, and then he’d come out free and clear. He never wants to go back, but subconsciously is prepared for the worse.

We both have guarded expectations about our future. I think after all these years and all we’ve been through we’ll be fine, but I don’t expect it to be without work. People change, I’m not that same little woman he knew before he went in and he’s not that same man I knew. I know I have to relinquish some of the control and decision making I’ve had sole responsibility for all these years and allow him to be the man of the house. And he knows that’s going to be a process. For all intend and purpose I have been the protector, giving up that crown and handing it over to him, won’t be easy. But at the same time I look forward to it.

He also asked me last night if I believed in him. My response was “baby, if I didn’t have complete faith and trust in you as a person. I wouldn’t have stuck around. I could feel his smile radiating through the phone wires. Even though he gives this persona of being self-confidant, I know there’s this scared little boy inside that mans body. It’s been a conscious decision on my part to remain in this mans life, in knowing that it’s also my responsibility to help him be the best he can be. I plan of doing this by allowing him to make his own decisions and being there to help when I can.

I don’t know if we PTO family members are a fair representation of people coming home. Our loved ones are the lucky handful, to have us in their corner. My thoughts and prayers are with the thousands of men and women that walk out those gate, without anyone waiting to bring them home!

Cheena, I hope I responded in the way you intended us to. If not I apologize for this long rambling post.

squid · #11 12-17-2003, 10:44 AM

wow, can hardly see to type, tears.. best to you 2! i think that most po's treat long timers who have good records, better than short timers, not fair but for you 2, i hope this is the case!

Eboniizs · #12 12-17-2003, 11:30 AM

Squid, Thank you and it's funny you mention that. When the PO was here, he basically said the same thing. I believe he said he's found that most mature parolees (meaning OJ's age) tend to make it through parole easier than young guys who've done short bits. I suppose that comes the long sentence and age, that one appreciates their freedom all the more.

~cheenna~ · #13 12-17-2003, 06:22 PM

Monica ... yes, yes, yes ... this is exactly what I think we need ... the little things you mention [well, obviously not little to him] like not washing his clothes, the packaging on toiletries ... I don't think most of us would have thought about this but, I can see where it could matter ... most men don't express their inner most feelings for fear [mental] insecurities or what ever may be the reason or women either after being incarcerated and no privacy, it may be difficult to verbalize ... by getting these little details where we can all draw from them for our own situations I believe will enable us to help our men and women ... Frisco mentioned in one of her posts that in the beginning it was difficult to just open and go through a door ... all the little nuances are significant, if we aren't alert to them our loved ones might as well be alone in the first few days or weeks ... if we can clear the path to and in, the hearth, then they can devote ALL their energies to dealing with the requirements of parole and THE parole officer.

Squid ... you bring up an interesting notion ...parole officers ... anyone care to comment on this one?

Q. How many years were you in and how were/are you treated by your PO?

Q. What is/was the age of your PO and how were/are you treated?

Let's keep the comments coming ... thanx

squid · #14 12-18-2003, 09:04 AM

HI, my coming home meant coming home to know one, no family, all alone, i wish i had had someone like Eboniizs, or anyone decent to come home to. in fact, i had to stay longer because i was homeless. after 6 years, 6 months and 19 days, i came home to a homeless shelter. a nice lady from cps i knew had boxes of her daughter's lovely clothes, and even a watch for me that her daughter didn't want, in the foyer, when i arrived. the nuns were not nice and made me stay out on the streets weekends, rain or shine, for most of the day. monday was trash day, and there it was, a couple of cases of empty beer bottles, which explains why. all i wanted to do was stay in my room, read and or watch football and not bother anyone but...and there were times i had wanted to go back to prison over that.

next parole said i should get into a group home, i did that for a few months and was recovering from back surgery [it failed, i never worked again] from when i was hurt at the st.,
which did not treat me and tried to tell me it was all in my head that i was just nervous about coming home. next i got public housing, by that time i had met my husband to be,
got public housing, eventually got married, had son, and we moved to where we are now.continued

squid · #15 12-18-2003, 09:31 AM

had several pos over the years, most about 40 years old, so we weren't that far apart in ages.
i think the first few years they worried if i would drink or use, even tho i had no history... i guess cuz so many parolees did,
so i had to get tested , and always after a holiday, and even while pregnant.
they were all nice. my 2nd last one was found out using coke and ended up a felon.
nothing else really stands out for me that i remember on that.

oh, we had a dog that didn't like people, so when the po would come, i used to have to say wait a min and put him out,
i think sometimes the po would think that maybe i was tryin to hide something! so we found and bought a special muzzle,
then the po saw why he could not just come right in.

i did not have any friends going in because the man i was with then, my codefendent, was abusive and had isolated me prior to the offense.

i have not made any close friends because being disabled i stay in and there was no money to got out like the other moms did in the neighborhood.

i am feeling alone, like the girl i was in '89, being my hubby got sick and is in assisted living and we are on the road to homlessness, but the shelters here do not take boys age 13.

i think if i had had friends, the po would have worried what kind of friends i had, at first.

i still miss my 'lifer family' at the st. i was never allowed to write them or any contact.
except the lady gayle, on the book cover, whom i do not know as she came after i left,
many of my lifer friends are in the book,
doing life by howard zher.

it hurts that they have to think i have forgotten them.

i wish everyone as good of a parole expierence as i had with their po. i bet alot has changed since tho...

cepora · #16 12-18-2003, 09:38 AM

My son came home in March after doing one year. I noticed him taking extra extra long showers, as a matter of fact, he still does this. I took him to the store to buy deodarent, shampoo, toothpaste, etc and I could not believe how long it took him to decide which to buy. He had to smell everything once or twice before deciding. He kept to himself pretty much for the first few weeks, but then got 'back into the swing of things'. His first night out, the entire family got together for a big dinner at his favorite restaurant. I thought he would enjoy this...he really didn't. Too many people, too much confusion I guess. He later said he would have much rather have had a quiet dinner at home, but he didn't want to hurt my feelings by saying he didn't really want to go. He wanted to go where he wanted, when he wanted. For example, at 2 a.m. he might say he was walking to the convienance store down the street. I'd ask why, and he'd say because I can! He may not even have bought anything, just liked the fact that he could go if he wanted. He has had trouble finding a job though. He is a convicted felon and has to state so on job applications. He keeps trying but hasn't found any long term employment. He has been hired through temp agencies. Hope this has helped some. I realize this perspective is coming from someone that was only in for one year, not nearly the length of time that some have been on the inside, so I am sure it will be a little different.

jimmyzgrl · #17 12-18-2003, 12:58 PM

Wow! Eboniizes ,17 years, That's 9 more then my husband just did.. It sound's like the exact same thing I went thru. I picked my husband up today and brought him to the halfway houses. We had all these plan's of how it would be .. but it was so wierd just seeing him next to me. I applaud you. He has alot to look foward too. Goodluck

~cheenna~ · #18 12-20-2003, 09:09 PM

Squid ... you have sure had a rough time of it ... I really appreciate you sharing here with us ... I know it's not easy for you right now... prayers and hugs to you ~

Joyce ... thank you as well ... even though your Son was only in for a year, it obviously took it's toll and this will be helpfull to others ... how has his parole officer been towards him?

Jimmyzgrl ... can you share with us some of the concerns your husband may have now about going into the halfway house and then coming home?

squid · #19 12-21-2003, 06:55 AM

cheenna> thanks for your care; i hurt my back worse tryin to pack/move heavy box. there is an agency that gives first months and security in my hubby's county, [so we could move immediately to a temp. apt. while waiting on public housing], they approved us but said one hitch, call back the next day to get the answer, i did, and they said they do not help out of county families! i found gov people connected with them in my county so on the bus we go to town tommorrow. i might have given up, but fri. i borrowed the tape,
john q, and got inspired.

all this is 'prison' connected; had i not hurt my back there, on my 2nd job, or atleast got worker's comp from it, we would not have been/ be so poor.

is there a thread on this site about getting hurt in prison, but no worker's comp like regular people who work and get hurt on the job?

squid · #20 12-21-2003, 07:14 AM

also, i do remember how overwhelming just choosing what flavor soft drink to pick, there was all this new stuff to choose from, i am still a slow shopper, but now it is more, pick it up,
put it back down...even chicken is so expensive today.

what i did while on the inside was important to the po. i had even taken a how to spend your leisure time class! [i got hurt with 4 months left ]. since the majority of crimes back then atleast, were committed during lesiure hours.

i would never say, 'i am not coming back', like most of my peers said. i would say to them and whomever, 'i will be a good citizen and member of my community.' i just felt putting it in positive terms makes for a better mindset, and positive actions more easily follow.

even tho i could not work, i wanted to belong more to my community, so i was a volunteer; i called seniors everyday to cheer them up and make sure they were ok, thru an agency.
today, i run a messageboard to help children who need special ed.

even if you cannot get a job, go volunteer with habitat for humanity, soup kitchen, ect.. it will show the po you want to belong and are being a good member of your community, will help your resume too.

perhaps these days, community service is mandatory? it was not in the 80s and 90s.

~cheenna~ · #21 12-23-2003, 04:36 PM

Squid ... the idea of community service is a good one ... most in TX have a mandatory # hours they must complete but, there often is not much of a choice as to where it is done ... perhaps if one were to do a little extra doing something they have an interest in that would show initiative?

squid · #22 12-24-2003, 07:02 AM

sounds good! i'm sure employers would like to see that extra on the resume.

[btw; sun. we are moving to a temp shelter house in the next county, hard, in so much pain, but that solves our prob. to get the public housing processed, it is in the city, next to the town we want to settle in, been going crazy tryin to get it together, found out less than 48 hrs ago. i am not doing that great in my new role as a single parent and single-like person. i feel thrust into a new world, like i did when i 'came home' in '89 but now with a teen to care for too].

everyone here;
holidays were the sadest time on the inside, especially if you had no one on the outside. if you were there a while, the lifer women would be like a sister to you tho. please think of those on the inside who have no one.. your loved ones inside are lucky to have you!

signing offline for awhile. please keep us in your prayers.

Manzanita · #23 01-01-2004, 04:05 PM

my husband fears going back after being let out

being confronted by an angry person, like another man challenging him, having to walk away from it, and not fight. even though he has not had a fight with anyone in over ten years. and he is a counselor in a aggression program.

he worries about traveling alone on the train

he worries about being able to adjust

I worry and am afraid he will leave me or we will realize it is not going to work out after he comes home.I worry about that a lot. like how wll we get along, what if he doesnt like the way I live or living with pets and this is just a few things.
I worry he wont open up to me, not thinking I will get him.

crisslee · #24 01-02-2004, 06:40 PM

This is all so new to my guy and I...he has never been in nor have I ever been close to anyone in the "prison system." He will be getting out in a month or so (of course, they won't tell him exactly when at this time).

He is now a felon because we did not have the money to hire a good attorney...he had one DWI and no others for 11 years prior (3 years before we even knew each other...been together 8 years)...since his appointed attorney disappeared right before his court date, my guy slipped through the cracks.

He has been in now for 14 months...he will have completed all the programs they had him in next week.

We are really concerned about him getting employment when he gets out. He has medical problems on top of now being labeled a felon. I have heard that temp agencies may be his only bet. We have also discussed him going to college on grants and student loan programs for those coming out of prison. But, I haven't found any programs, so far, for ex-offenders. I have heard that the community college where I go may have such a program. I am in the process of researching that.

He is ready to come home and resume our relationship and marriage in the near future. He doesn't seem to have any concerns besides work when he comes out.

We have a very strong relationship, and we knew that we had to turn this whole mess around to the good. We did that with our communication through letters and a few visits.

I know we will make it and end up with a beautiful future because we love each other that much and will do everything we have to to get there.

Thanks for this forum.

~cheenna~ · #25 01-02-2004, 07:15 PM

Mrs. G, thank you for posting ... you bring up another area that I hadn't given much thought to, that of the personal aspects of the relationship after a long separation or a relationship started after incarceration ... I guess this really is a two way street when it comes to adjustments.

Crisslee ... employment is really a big issue as it is so hard for our loved ones to A.) find employment B.) keeping the job with all the requirerments that are put upon them by PO's .
Without insurane I see where a prior medical condition would be of great concern too!

How do we resolve these issues or at the least, make it easier for them coming home ... any body got any ideas?