Need Some Advice and Encouragement (getting married/family issues)

[jeswannabhiswyf]

Okay I have a small dilema. For me to be asking for help is a "hint hint" it's a HUGE problem. L and I were supposed to be married in Aug but plans fell through due to his extended stay on lock up and loss of visits. I guess my family felt a sinister sense of security in that fact because now that the marriage license is going through, all pertinent information has been sent to the chaplain, L's sis is throwing me a bridal shower, and the wedding is less than 2 months away(), now everyone is "attempting" to . I say attempting because if they rock with me or not, this marriage is happening. Family is EVERYTHING to me. They are jive hurting me right now. Not only because they are not happy with and for me(not everybody), but because in the beginning, they all acted so happy for L and I, and he felt a sense of relief. Relief that they wouldn't look down on him. This is eating me because I tell L EVERYTHING! He IS my BEST FRIEND. How the heck am I supposed to tell him this? Undoubtedly, he would harbour ill feelings towards them for being fake if I told him about it. I can't blame him, I hold the same ill feelings for the same reason. I HATE a fake person. I dare not keep any secrets from him. We have an ABSOLUTELY NO SECRETS policy between us. I know they are my family, and we(fam and I) will be cool later down the road, but it may not be the same with L. He may not be able to forgive and let it go. Shoe on the other foot, I don't think I could. So I wouldn't blame him. All I want is for my fiance/husband and family to .

PTO, can yall please help a sister out? I really need assistance tackling this one before I turn my back on my family. Please understand this marriange IS happening, I just need a lil encouragement 'cause my brain hurts right now thinking about it.

[Naunnie2]

I can't really offer any advice, you sound like you know what to do and what you are going to do. I stand behind you. I can and will offer prayers for you and your man, and for the family members to find understanding and peace about your choice and decision. I guess a little advice after all would be to not let their lack of understanding and support become an issue for you two, you both have enough to deal with as it is. When he gets home things may change for the better once everyone finds out and sees how much love you have for one another. Sometimes it is what a person doesn't understand that causes them to act out against it. God bless.

[jeswannabhiswyf]

Mrs. Young, thank you so much for your words. They really brought tears to my eyes. This situation really is consuming me. But I like what you've said and accept it. Thanks so much for the prayer. I need all I can get. I think I really needed to hear what you had to say. Thanks again.

[Waiting4MyLuv]

I'm not really sure what to say. All I can offer is a big hug ((((HUGS)))) and a shoulder to lean on. I know it must hurt that your family is acting like this. I hope they come around soon. I wouldn't hide it from your man, though. Like you said, no secrets. Maybe he'll be understanding about it. If not, then at least you know you didn't start your marriage out with a secret. As much as it hurts when the people we love don't support us, always remember to follow your heart. Good luck to y'all!

[ladya]

i am in the same boat my family, do not accept abe but i feel GOD sent him to me and what GOD puts together no man can destroy i do not care who you are, my mum wants me to accept the fact she is with a married man but she cannot accept the fact my man is in jail for a crime he did not not not commit i just keep my head up and try my best to accept all the politics that goes with being with an inmate

[ladya]

oh yes as soon as the state of california says we can marry we are going to do this hook or by crook

[JeromesBabyGirl]

im with you girl my family has done the same thing to me and jerome in the past month. he is very upset ecause he thought they loved him he** for that matter so did i well we were both wrong. we have talked about it and we have both made the dession to not be around them at all. if my family cant be real and accept the fact that my husband being in jail has nothing to do with them and can be imbarced by that then they are inmbarced by my and our babies, which in turn lost them a daughter and wonderful son-in-law and grandbabies. Im done with them all.... so its just him and me along with the babies.

[Wobabi]

,,,Well Sis I really don't have any advice on this one because I do not beleive in telling Boo everything especially if its going to hurt him deeply while he is in prison,,because he has nothing to do but sit and think and fester.

[iloveyoumore]

I always see you as a strong woman. In reading your posts it sounds like you do have a close family. It may be touchy with your family for awhile (I have no one in my family who supports my marrying TJ in April...just my kids). I don't expect anyone to jump for joy but us because we are the ones getting married. It would be nice if our families could be supportive but....Anyway, I would tell him if that is the agreement you have with L then you must. You can try and tell him in a way that may be less upsetting and maybe he will understand and not be upset at all. Whatever happens down the road it's gonna be alright. Remember, you are missing out on all the good excitement stuff when you worry about other peoples stuff. Enjoy your love.

[smoser]

Hugs from me.....I know you guys will be okay and in the end so will you and your family...I know you guys have a no secrets policy but if it were me I would not tell him, because I would hope that later they would be okay again and if you tell him they may never be...it would not be a bad thing to withhold this one secret. You would be doing what is in the best interest of all concerned, but I do understand if you do tell him. I just wish you both the very best of luck and I hope things will get better for all involved...Congrats on your marriage!!

[jeswannabhiswyf]

Thank you ladies, for your words and the hugs. I am still boiling this thing over. I wish I was like Tem and could just call all my fam out on their dirty laundry since they're making me mad right now. I won't because I know I will feel DANG good the moment I do it, but the next day, when I can't take the words back, I'll feel terrible. I'm not asking them to be overjoyed. I'm not even asking them to be happy really. All I want is real. If you don't like it, I can deal with that. I know our boundaries. But don't "Awww" me then as soon as you see it's really about to happen "Why can't you just...." Grrr! In my younger days I would say what's on my mind, no cut cards. But I don't want to destroy any family ties. I just want them to realize they won't be sleeping with him, and may not even see him all that often. Just know there is an addition to the family. If they can't accept an addition, they may soon be subjected to a subtraction.

And for those in favor of not telling L, I understand your view point, but yall left me out. Even if I don't tell him, how do I get over this for me? I swear I LOVE my family. I don't even have friends that aren't my family. But I'm not so happy with a few aunts right now. I am close to just not speaking to them again in life, and yes, I admit. I can be that petty.

[EternallyHis]

Girl, your family will love you regardless. Have you ust come out and asked why they are suddenly being shady? Could they ahve heard something that is untrue and need some clearing up?

I think if I were you I'd sit down with the important ones and say "look, I love you all and respect your opinions, but the choice is mine, and while I don't need you to AGREE with it I would appreciate your love and support.

[jeswannabhiswyf]

Originally Posted by EternallyHis

Girl, your family will love you regardless. Have you ust come out and asked why they are suddenly being shady? Could they ahve heard something that is untrue and need some clearing up?

I think if I were you I'd sit down with the important ones and say "look, I love you all and respect your opinions, but the choice is mine, and while I don't need you to AGREE with it I would appreciate your love and support.

No, didn't ask why they sre suddenly shady. I'm trusting what I feel. I think they were in denial, hoping it was a phase. But now that they see this is REALLY about to happen, they are more concerned. The only thing they can hear is from me. From my fam, only my brother, father and I know him previously. My mom met him, but can't really remember him because L and I met at the church my father goes to (joint custody days). My father knows L as a teen and nothing about him now, except what he's getting from me. There is no bad news to tell. I have been completely honest about why he is there and have discussed his court documents openly with a relative who is in the field.

I love your advice and I think the perfect time to do it is when we discuss my bridal shower next weekend.

[Warrior Wife]

Originally Posted by EternallyHis

Girl, your family will love you regardless.

For some families this is true...and for others, it's not.

If you are blessed to be part of a family that will "love you regardless", then that is wonderful!

If not, then sometimes there will be some VERY hard choices to make, including standing by the man you love even if it means your family turns against you...and doesn't "come around" later on.

It has happened that way for me, and it is very very painful...but I have NO REGRETS.

I wish you the very best.

xo,

WW

[JNHouston]

iGiel

[EternallyHis]

I love your advice and I think the perfect time to do it is when we discuss my bridal shower next weekend.

agreed I hope it goes well for you, and regardless, even if it DOESNT they WILL get over it...I have seen too many angry mamas and papas throw a fit over engagements/pregnancies/etc only to become as excited in the moment as the one doing it lol

[JNHouston]

I am going through the exact same thing right now me and my husband have been married for two years and my family hates it but God says what he brought together let no man come between. Girl you pray about it things will get better because one you are married yall become one.

[Naunnie2]

The best thing I can tell you about confronting them is, whenever someone comes at another confrontationally the one being confronted is going to be defensive. Be sure to ask your questions with the love you want them to show you when you get the answers. I am a very confrontational person, I always want answers and through the years I have discovered that I get more answers with less hassle if I suck up my negative feelings and ask questions in a normal everyday way so as not to get the other person all upset and all the sudden we are arguing and not getting anything accomplished. I am still praying for you. Let me know what day you are planning to talk to your family and I will be sure to pray for you all day. You can PM if you like. God Bless.

[nimuay]

The only piece of perspective I can offer is that it's possible that when you initially decided to marry , he wasn't in the hole and restricted. The fact that he wasn't able to behave while already in might have turned them from thinking of him as "just another prisoner" into "no decent control/how can we trust him with our daughter".

[jeswannabhiswyf]

Man I am really feeling the support. Mrs. Young, thank you. I'm not really sure if you know just how much your prayer means to me. I appreciate it. Nimuay, great perspective. I would really look at them sideways for this because this same situation didn't change their view of my brother who is also in prison. I hope that isn't the case. I think next weekend, when the fam is gathered, I'll just let them all know I would like their love and support. I'm inviting them to SHARE in my happiness, but it's up to them to partake or not. Mrs. Young, I am confrontational also. I despise he said, she said. I prefer to hear from that person themselves. But I'll break out the honey next weekend so I can attract more bees.

Once again, thank you all for the support. This subject, I can really say I NEED it for.

[EternallyHis]

Just wanted to swing by and say GOOD LUCK THIS WEEKEND and HAVE FUN!!!!

I'll be thinking bout you an yours!

[Gorilla'sWife]

I went through a very similar situation...most likely your family is being the way they are because they care about you. If they aren't involved with an inmate, they truely don't understand...they don't even understand how you can love an inmate. I explained to my husband that my family just didn't understand...they were worried about me. Truely they were. They wanted me to be happy but couldn't understand how I could be happy being married to an inmate....a husband I couldn't "be with" for 4 years. Everyone asked me what I was gaining. Ummmm....LOVE!!! And that is all that has to be said. Hopefully your fiance can look at it from a parents perspective. Would he want his daughter mixed up with all this? the hurt-the loneliness-the waiting-the unexpected As long as your fiance knows that you're happy and you're doing what you want...that is all that should matter. Your family will either accept it or regret the way they act. Best luck to you and your fiance....congratulations....and go with your heart!

[nimuay]

Hon, your brother is your brother, but someone you plan to marry, that's totally different. I say this from the perspective of having 4 married children, only two of whose mates I like. (And surprise surprise - the two I didn't like or trust have divorced my kids now!)

They are looking at you putting your life and heart and soul into someone who may have serious problems . . . that will cause any parent serious pause.

[jeswannabhiswyf]

It's not really my parents. It's moreso my Aunties and a few cousins. I thought about it on the way back from SC today (went to go see my brother, YAY) and I am close to saying I don't care. I know that's not the right way to be, but I am at a point where I am supposed to be the happiest ever in my life. I DON'T have time to worry myself with those trying to live their lives through me. They need to choose who makes them happy, because my choice is final. I do understand though. My brother is my brother and according to the family, an acception to the rule.

Eternallyhis, the bridal shower discussion is next weekend. I'm sorry, I'm backwards, I call this this weekend. I always have a problem with calling this, bext, and week after next weekend properly. The only one I get right is last weekend, LOL. But the date is 12/27. Thanks for the advice all.

[InsomniaCT]

I really feel for you, and the disappointment you are experiencing. No one can hurt us like the ones we love. I think it might be helpful to call a 'family meeting', as the other women have suggested. Since you write so clearly & expressively, and this is such a hard thing to confront, you might want to prepare a letter that you can give to each--tell them to sit, shut up & read . Then continue with discussion--or have the letter ready as a back-up. I think I would give them a chance to to rise to the occasion before bringing it to your guy. Tell him after it is resolved. There is nothing that he can do but feel bad & he has enough. If they step up, you can let him know that they had disappointed you but are now redeemed. You know what will work best for your family and why they are doing what they are doing; you can include that in your letter/talk. I hope they don't disappoint you further--always amazing that people let us down because they love us! Best of luck with your family, and congratulations on your marriage!!