Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

walloon · #1 07-07-2011, 09:04 AM

Today I dropped my son off with his dad. We are technically "together" but NOT living together. I know it is probably a bad decision, but I don't really want to get into that right now. I am reading "Why Does He Do That" and I feel myself falling out of love with him. So, the end is near.

Anyways, as I dropped the baby off, he asked about the pants I am wearing. Nothing fancy just some blue slacks. Then he made a comment about how I "used to dress" in business suits and everything all the time. Which is true. Then he told me he would pick out some outfits for me??

Pardon me? I never try to dress him or anyone else. Why try to dress me? smh

**LeBeau** · #2 07-07-2011, 09:48 AM

He's trying to exert control over you and to make your sense of self less accurate, to make you feel inadequate and incompetant, to make you dependant on HIS version of who you should be rather than the person you actually ARE.... don't fall for it.

If he makes such a comment again, tell him that you're well past the age of needing your parent to lay out your school clothes and then change the subject to the only one you really need to engage in with him- your child.

walloon · #3 07-07-2011, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeBeau

He's trying to exert control over you and to make your sense of self less accurate, to make you feel inadequate and incompetant, to make you dependant on HIS version of who you should be rather than the person you actually ARE.... don't fall for it.

If he makes such a comment again, tell him that you're well past the age of needing your parent to lay out your school clothes and then change the subject to the only one you really need to engage in with him- your child.

That sounds right. He also lost his job so I am the focus of EVERYTHING right now. If Lundy is correct, he will try to control my $$ next since I am the only income we have..

tearfallzbreak · #4 07-07-2011, 09:53 AM

The only way i d let someone dress me is if they buy my new wardrobe and its banging more then the one i have haha=) if not he can get lost on that idea

**LeBeau** · #5 07-07-2011, 10:42 AM

You're *supporting* him?????
Yikes!
That's not even good for HIM besides that it's a burden you should not be carrying... cut it out ASAP.

walloon · #6 07-07-2011, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeBeau

You're *supporting* him?????
Yikes!
That's not even good for HIM besides that it's a burden you should not be carrying... cut it out ASAP.

NO NO NO.

He is living at his parents. I am not supporting him. Just me and the baby.

yourself · #7 07-07-2011, 10:50 AM

concur whole heartedly with LeBeau - it's all about control. And, if he's not working, controlling you becomes all the more important.

Chances are, if he does buy your wardrobe, he'll do it with your money. There will be no acknowledgement of that, but there will be all sorts of acknowledgement of all that he's done for you, right down to your wardrobe...... And, he gets to present his version of you to the world, whether it meshes well with yours or not.

Hope you're able to get yourself out soon. That level of control is a real mind-fuck.

walloon · #8 07-07-2011, 11:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yourself

concur whole heartedly with LeBeau - it's all about control. And, if he's not working, controlling you becomes all the more important.

Chances are, if he does buy your wardrobe, he'll do it with your money. There will be no acknowledgement of that, but there will be all sorts of acknowledgement of all that he's done for you, right down to your wardrobe...... And, he gets to present his version of you to the world, whether it meshes well with yours or not.

Hope you're able to get yourself out soon. That level of control is a real mind-fuck.

I am not about to purchase a new wardrobe. I have the clothes, I just don't wear them. We have such an easy dresscode where I teach now vs. where I taught before. I love being able to be comfy.

**LeBeau** · #9 07-07-2011, 11:13 AM

Whew! Thank goodness!
I was confused by this statement :

Quote:

since I am the only income we have..

...that sounded like *your* income was benefitting *him* and that would be so, so counterproductive to ANY progress, in any good direction....

wickit · #10 07-08-2011, 12:49 PM

It's good to hear from you walloon! LeBeau is right, don't fall for it!

nimuay · #11 07-09-2011, 06:37 AM

Walloon, that's the thin end of the wedge. Everything you've been told so far is absolutely right. . .control, control, control! It's a signal that nothing's changed, and that he still has no idea about what kind of person he is or why he functions in such a disordered manner.

walloon · #12 07-09-2011, 08:26 PM

Wickit - thanks! I am still around

Nim - As I read,I am so shocked to learn that is the truth. He dosen't see ANYTHING strange with his controling behavior.Now that I have stepped back and am EDUCATING myself,I see his control in everything. From re-dressing my son, holding my keys when we are together, disapproving of almost ALL my friends,no correction ALL of my friends.Thereis something wrong (according to him) with EACH and EVERY one of them.Eitherthey are whores or dumb, or get this UGLY. He is also STRONGLY against fat people.

He is such a control freak,even when it comes to sex...anything new I introduce is shot down. He wants to be on top or behind me....Its like he has a need to dominate me in every aspect.

I do think that HE THINKS he loves me. But he isn't capable (and I don't believe ever will be) of actually LOVING any woman. Love dosen'tcontrol.

I can also see how EVEN THOUGH he dosen't understand, he keeps me in a constant state of confusion. Now that I am "independant" he has resorted to the threats to break up with me and then following up with how much he loves and needsme.

I am almost 100% OVER IT. But I still feel myself becoming anxious and paralyzed with fear at every mention by him to leave me....so weird.

**LeBeau** · #13 07-09-2011, 08:43 PM

Breaking an addiction is tough and it's scary but that is, in great part, what this is: an addiction.
You might actually benefit greatly from reading some of the AA and NA material, the similarities are staggering.

mooshy · #14 07-10-2011, 05:09 AM

And the paralysis you mention does dissipate with a little practice. I found it used to spring on me when we first split. The first time I stood alone in a supermarket was pretty damn awful (so big and so much choice for li'l ol' me was totally overwhelming). But I controlled my breathing, held onto the tears, and decided I'd just take a basket.

I didn't manage to put one thing in there that hadn't been approved by my ex in the past, but I managed to do the shop on my own which hadn't happened in years. And I survived. I cried my heart out while I unpacked at how useless/powerless I felt at such a mundane task. And the next time I went I went better prepared. A list, deep breaths, left myself plenty of time to find where everything lived. And for a treat I bought mushrooms.........biggest box I could find. They were the best.

Lots of stuff has needed this much effort, and it is a slog. But at least now I can see that I might get to the end of my task and achieve something. I really don't miss the endless slog to make something work that, with hindsight, just wasnt going to happen.

If either of you walks away you will continue to breathe, move, see, eat. Change is just different, it doesn't have to be bad.