Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

Willowtree81 · #1 07-27-2011, 01:51 PM

I don't like that, I do so much out of my day for him, out of everyday, drive 2 hours every week to see him (gas money) write him every day and now I'm willing to have him move in my apartment, I love him but he should keep up the phone call account as he has for the past 6 months, is it wrong for me to get turned off and feeling uncomfortable about him asking me to pay for his phone calls to me, I don't like it, what are your opinions? I don't want to be used, I like a man's man who is independent, should I talk to him about this?? Either way I set up an account today and put 25.00 on it, I have so many bills already, I really didn't feel good about doing that, tell me your thoughts

COMPLETElyhis · #2 07-27-2011, 02:15 PM

If you really don't want to do it, then WHY do it?

Peace and blessings...

ceci · #3 07-27-2011, 02:15 PM

How has he been paying for it the past 6 months and why all of a sudden can't he do it? Do you send him any money? Hes been paying for it for the past 6 months maybe it would be fair for you to pay for them for the next 6 and then if he's still there he pays for the next 6 months etc..

sexychica · #4 07-27-2011, 02:22 PM

Did he give you reason why he can no longer pay for the calls? If I were you I would have asked and stated how I felt about paying for the calls.
This is the type of thing you should feel comfortable disscussing with him after all that is why you have phone calls... to talk.

Willowtree81 · #5 07-27-2011, 02:29 PM

He said he is running out of money, that before he never used the phone but when we met back in February he set up an account , he calls me about 2x a day and gets paid only 40 dollars a month, and with all the phone calls he's already made he has run out of money, I just DO NOT want to play the mommy role with him, I want him to be independent, it's a turn off when a 31 year old man asks a 29 year old woman to pay for him because he doesnt have the money

ceci · #6 07-27-2011, 02:38 PM

Um he only gets $40 a month and how many calls does $25 get? Why should he be the one to pay for all the calls? Aren't relationships 50-50?

**tee.dot.q** · #7 07-27-2011, 02:44 PM

Sorry, did you think when you got into a relationship with an inmate that the he would be totally independant?

So, let's do some math here based on what we DO know. He calls twice a day. Thats about 60 calls a month. And he makes $40 for the same period? That puts your calls at about what, 75 cents per? And you can't share the burden of maybe $20 a month? You are talking to him during those calls right? equally benefitting from the conversations?

Hey, do you but I'm saying a few bucks a months is nothing to feel turned off or used for. I often wonder how folks can proclaim undying love with the caveat of "only if it's free"

ceci · #8 07-27-2011, 02:49 PM

Amen tee.dot.q!!!!!! I completely agree

LeStrange · #9 07-27-2011, 03:05 PM

Are you serious? Jeez when me and my guy would talk on the phone he would put half of his pay on there(which he doesn't get paid alot) and I would put a certain amount I wanted on there. We BOTH went half on the phone. He didn't want me paying for all of it. Then again we BOTH benefited from putting money on the phone because we got to talk to each other and hear each other's voice. All you just said you do is write him and spend gas money by driving 2 hrs a week to see him. Wow woopty doo that's alot

. He makes $40 dollars a month so that would mean he could only put $15-$25 on the account and I'm sure that doesn't leave enough for him to by things off of commissary. Atleast he was willing to go half on the phone(with so little state pay he makes) because there are ALOT of women who's men don't. All you have to do is put a little more on there and it doesn't have to be a HUGE amount. It could be $50 bucks. I'm sure you like talking to him on the phone and would be heartbroken if you couldn't. Your post seems REALLY selfish. If you want an independant man who pays for everything then maybe you need to find you one in the REAL FREE WORLD that makes more than $40 a month. Relationships are 50/50 and if you can't hold up your end then maybe you need to be single.

Willowtree81 · #10 07-27-2011, 03:06 PM

They are 50/50 but I do NOT want to be someone who is mommying a grown man, I know he's in a bad situation but I'm not supporting someone who can not support me, I've gone throughout too many struggles, from having nothing to working through sweat and tears to get where I am and I would like him to be aware I need a man who can take care of me or I'd rather be on my own and live independently as I have for the past year.

LeStrange · #11 07-27-2011, 03:22 PM

They are 50/50

Obviously not because you don't even want to go half on the damn phone. But yet I'm sure you expect him to call you and when he doesn't you probably freak out.

but I do NOT want to be someone who is mommying a grown man

Who said you were "mommying" him? Obviously you arent if the man is paying for half of the calls. He's just asking for a little help and frankly if I was him I wouldn't be in a relationship with you nor waste what little money I get a month just to talk to you. The only thing you do is write him and visit. I could see if you were doing other things for him but you only listed letters and visits.

I know he's in a bad situation but I'm not supporting someone who can not support me,

Lol then find you a man in the REAL FREE WORLD!!! What is so hard about understanding that? Why even set yourself up for dissapointment like you did??? Your posts make NO SENSE. You knew his situation and money situation so why hop into a relationship with someone you KNOW can't do anything for you??? If he BARELY get's enough to support himself a month then how the hell do you expect him to be able to do anything for you? This is all stuff you KNEW before you got with him.

I've gone throughout too many struggles, from having nothing to working through sweat and tears to get where I am and I would like him to be aware I need a man who can take care of me or I'd rather be on my own and live independently as I have for the past year.

You are NOT the only one in the world that have struggles and have gone from having nothing to something. How the hell is he supposed to take care of you and he's in PRISON? Like I've said it sounds like a prison relationship isn't for you so you either need to be single and alone or find you a man in the free world.

hisbabyny · #12 07-27-2011, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Willowtree81

They are 50/50 but I do NOT want to be someone who is mommying a grown man, I know he's in a bad situation but I'm not supporting someone who can not support me, I've gone throughout too many struggles, from having nothing to working through sweat and tears to get where I am and I would like him to be aware I need a man who can take care of me or I'd rather be on my own and live independently as I have for the past year.

im not sure how a man in prison can TAKE CARE OF YOU FINANCIALLY unless he is one of the VERY FEW with a trust fund

with all due respect im not saying be a doormat but if he hasnt show you that he is worthy of YOU chipping in for phone calls then how do you have the trust to even be in the relationship?! i think it says alot about him that he has been paying for the phone calls for 6 months, on a state salary....
no one is saying send him $100. bucks of week' and i dont see how it would make you his mommy to be paying for most of the phone calls during this time.
you have to realize being in a relationship with a man is prison means he has lost most of his independence

temporarily......
loving a man thru this difficult time does require sacrifices not made in free world relationships. ill never understand how a woman can say she loves a man' but wont send a dime for him to get a soup, a snack, or even call her??

unless her and her children are destitute and this is his 3rd bid and she dont want to be with him anymore!!!!! thats the only time i can understand a woman being at that point. or if she jst met the man in prison a week ago....

GoodBI_girl · #13 07-28-2011, 01:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Willowtree81

They are 50/50 but I do NOT want to be someone who is mommying a grown man, I know he's in a bad situation but I'm not supporting someone who can not support me, I've gone throughout too many struggles, from having nothing to working through sweat and tears to get where I am and I would like him to be aware I need a man who can take care of me or I'd rather be on my own and live independently as I have for the past year.

That may be a good goal for the future when he is free and able to pursue a positon with a higher salary but he is in prison. In prison with expenses of his own and his wages seem barely enough to cover the basics. Have you thought he may have been going without some things from the commissary or even doing things he choose not to do ( not illegal just unpleasant, like cleaning others cells) to cover these calls in the past?

Maybe you can speak to him and ask what his plans are in the future, will he be willing to share expenses or support you more fully when he's out. That would give you some idea of what he can "do for you" in the future. Like others have mentioned he will be struggling to find a job and even may have to take a low paying one for a while. He's been in prison 12 out of the last 16 years you've known him so you have some idea of what he's up against when he gets out.

justbeth · #14 07-28-2011, 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Willowtree81

They are 50/50 at the current gas prices you are probably spending what he does a month just to say I love you. but I do NOT want to be someone who is mommying a grown man, I know he's in a bad situation but I'm not supporting someone who can not support me HELLO HE IS IN PRISON NOT THE OUTSIDE HE IS SUPPORTING YOU IN THE ONLY WAYS HE CAN, I've gone throughout too many struggles,and he hasn't? from having nothing to working through sweat and tears to get where I am and I would like him to be aware I need a man who can take care of me or I'd rather be on my own and live independently as I have for the past year.

me thinks someone wants to be single.

Vixen311 · #15 08-05-2011, 06:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Willowtree81

They are 50/50 but I do NOT want to be someone who is mommying a grown man, I know he's in a bad situation but I'm not supporting someone who can not support me, I've gone throughout too many struggles, from having nothing to working through sweat and tears to get where I am and I would like him to be aware I need a man who can take care of me or I'd rather be on my own and live independently as I have for the past year.

how can he support you ($$$ wise?) when he can't support his own self in there?? it's not like he won't work at a job and bring home a paycheck. if you want a man that doesn't need some help from time to time... or most of the time, then WHY did you become involved with a prisoner??

FastCarGirl · #16 08-13-2011, 10:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Willowtree81

They are 50/50 but I do NOT want to be someone who is mommying a grown man, I know he's in a bad situation but I'm not supporting someone who can not support me, I've gone throughout too many struggles, from having nothing to working through sweat and tears to get where I am and I would like him to be aware I need a man who can take care of me or I'd rather be on my own and live independently as I have for the past year.

Here's the thing...HE"S IN PRISON. He wasted his 6 months worth of savings...ON CALLING YOU. Because before YOU he never used the phone. I would never try to emasucate my man by trying to act like his mama...but our phone calls are as much for me as for him. Actually, they're even more for me because he's not a huge writer.

$40 is all your guy gets...for EVERYTHING. He has to buy soap, stamps, envelopes, laundry detergent, food for when the food is really gross, coffee, shampoo...all on $40.

So, what's he have to do to prove himself "worthy?" Start dealing drugs inside, which will get him a whole LOT of extra charges and get whoever smuggled them in a prison cell of their own? Start hustling which will probably get him a few hole stays? Start taking up pen-pals and scamming other women for money or milking more out of his family so he can call his girlfriend, who has struggled hard and is doing well and doesn't feel like she should have to pay for phone calls? It's not like he can take on a second job for money like if he was on the outside. No McDonalds inside the razor wire. $40. That's his entire montly budget, unless someone sends him money for his books.

Your conversations are investments into your relationship. You have to ask yourself if he's worth the investment? I understand where your coming from and I don't blame you for wanting someone who will be able to provide for you....but your already providing for yourself. It's something you want, not something you need at this moment in time. Your applying free world man logic to your inmate boyfriend, and you just can't....it doesn't work that way while they're in there....not on $40 a month.

ceci · #17 07-27-2011, 03:15 PM

So then don't talk on the phone.

Willowtree81 · #18 07-27-2011, 03:18 PM

Good idea :*

Willowtree81 · #19 07-27-2011, 03:26 PM

And paying for our apartment which is 1300+ a month not including cable groceries and such he is getting out in October and coming home and I have to take care of us until he gets on his feet, and I don't want him to get use to this as he should be the man of the household, this doesn't seem 50/50 to me and I also do side things he asks of me, get his transcripts from school online, make copies of photos for his parole, send him books, send him information about jobs, research jobs for him, etc

LeStrange · #20 07-27-2011, 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Willowtree81

And paying for our apartment which is 1300+ a month not including cable groceries and such he is getting out in October and coming home and I have to take care of us until he gets on his feet, and I don't want him to get use to this as he should be the man of the household, this doesn't seem 50/50 to me and I also do side things he asks of me, get his transcripts from school online, make copies of photos for his parole, send him books, send him information about jobs, research jobs for him, etc

Well the only thing that will solve your problem is...

DON'T TALK ON THE PHONE. Stick to letters and visits.

june5 · #21 07-27-2011, 03:45 PM

I'm not sure what purpose it would serve to discuss with him you want a man who is independent as far as the financial situation...right now like it or not he is no position to do anything for you financially, he makes $40 a month--he's broke. There's not too much (legally) he can do about that right now. I'm not sure what kind of feedback you want from him on that.

It's your money, if you don't feel comfortable don't do it, write letters. Bottom line: dude in prison making $40 a month with no other source of funds = you can pretty much expect to foot the bill if you want to talk on the phone.

GeckoBrat · #22 07-27-2011, 03:49 PM

It does sound like you should consider not being in a relationship with him because you already sound resentful that you have to do things that cost money......You must know he can't support you right now and your apartment is yours until he moves in so you really can't use that as thinking you are supporting him.....He may not have a job for awhile after he gets out so you have A LOT of thinking to do.
Your statements don't sound like you see a happy future with him if he can't take care of you right away....

Willowtree81 · #23 07-27-2011, 04:18 PM

FYI when I was in a rut and had no money I went through hell to make it, took out loans and worked full time to pay for school and get my bachelor's, then finally finding a job that supports me after graduation, it wasn't easy and I had no help and even I have a small misdemeanor background, I guess I can't really sympathize as much because I had no one to help me and I didn't rely in any men to help me, so I guess I look for a man who is strong enough to get what he needs by his own work and not by relying on others, hey if a young girl like me can do it an older man should be able to, I love my man dearly but I work hard to have what I have and I expect him to do the same,

DP's Girl · #24 07-27-2011, 06:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Willowtree81

FYI when I was in a rut and had no money I went through hell to make it, took out loans and worked full time to pay for school and get my bachelor's, then finally finding a job that supports me after graduation, it wasn't easy and I had no help and even I have a small misdemeanor background, I guess I can't really sympathize as much because I had no one to help me and I didn't rely in any men to help me, so I guess I look for a man who is strong enough to get what he needs by his own work and not by relying on others, hey if a young girl like me can do it an older man should be able to, I love my man dearly but I work hard to have what I have and I expect him to do the same,

Congratulations on all you've accomplished. Unfortunately he does not have a way to earn more than he is earning or do more than he is doing right now, at least not legally. He is working and getting what he needs since you are not providing anything for him but he has also been providing what you need, phone calls. It is unfair to expect him to spend half of his income to talk to you and you spend nothing. It's funny because everything you said he asked you to do was to put him in a better position to get out and be a man but you seem to resent it. Helping each other is what you do in a relationship. Question, was he fathering you when he was paying for all the phone calls?
Being in a relationship with an incarcerated or recently released man requires an understanding that traditional male female roles may not be possible. I understand not wanting to take care of a man but he can only do what he can do and it sounds like that's not enough for you. If not you have a right to feel that way just don't do something and then out of resentment make him miserable. Both you and he would probably be better off if you just walked away. JMO

**MiniMoose** · #25 07-27-2011, 06:09 PM

I just have to say, I've been on my own since I was 15 years old (I am now 54) and have done all of these things too. However, given all I have done in all of my years, I CAN sympathize. And, it makes me want to help more.

Wow, to each their own I guess.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Willowtree81

FYI when I was in a rut and had no money I went through hell to make it, took out loans and worked full time to pay for school and get my bachelor's, then finally finding a job that supports me after graduation, it wasn't easy and I had no help and even I have a small misdemeanor background, I guess I can't really sympathize as much because I had no one to help me and I didn't rely in any men to help me, so I guess I look for a man who is strong enough to get what he needs by his own work and not by relying on others, hey if a young girl like me can do it an older man should be able to, I love my man dearly but I work hard to have what I have and I expect him to do the same,