Should I give him another chance??

[Tuan's Wife]

So my boyfriend hasn't been the best boyfriend when he was out here.. He took me for granted and he realizes it now and I know for sure he will make it all up to me once he's released.. His incarceration has changed him and I can see that. I do love my boyfriend but I feel like I don't have enough good memories to hold on to our relationship.. If he didn't change, then I wouldn't be with him right now, so I believe he is a changed man. Our relationship has been stronger than ever since his imprisonment. But the problem is, I keep thinking about the past.. Why did it have to take him getting locked up to realize he took me for granted? I thought about ending our relationship before, but I decided to give him another month or two to see if he would change but he got locked up before I could even see if he was going to change. If he was "the one," he wouldn't have taken me for granted in the first place, right?? I know everyone makes mistakes and I do believe in 2nd chances so I don't know... I don't really want to go to my friends and ask them because they don't know what I'm going through.. Hopefully you guys can understand me and where I'm coming from and help me make a decision! Thanks in advance!!

[Lovelylady07a]

Hey I can relate I meet my husband 12yrs ago when I was 18 I'm now 30 almost the whole time me and him was together he mistreated me we broke up for a couple of years and lost contact me and my husband get reunited in 09 the first year we was not an item because I still didn't trust him and we had to address the things he did to me in the pass he realize I was the best thing that ever happen to him he is a better man husband father and friend and I the thought of him going back to his old ways never cross my mind.

Pooda wife

[taraadele18]

I'm a very firm believer in 2nd chances. How long have y'all been together? If you're believing he has changed, then I say go ahead and give him a chance. I know it's VERY hard to not think about the past. I do it all the time, but you've got to have a positive attitude about the future. Don't let anyone bring you down! keep supporting each other emotionally! All the struggles we go through now will pay off in the future!!

[zzSuezz]

My husband and I both realized how much we took each other for granted when he got locked up. Living in it day in and day out, we did not see it. It took him going to jail for me to see all the little things he really did do every day. And it took him getting completely sober for him to understand what he really was putting me through too. We had a strong bond before, but it has gotten stronger now. I can see that he is remorseful in the behaviors he put out there. I would suggest that since you aren't married to him, that you both take a little time to evaluate the relationship. You said that you don't have enough good memories to hold on to. With us, the good were great and the bad were horrible. I don't hold on to the bad things, otherwise, we would never make it. But I also know that it was my husband's addiction that made him bad. He is one of the best people you could ever meet when he's sober. And even most of the time when he was drinking, he was still good. You need to follow your instincts and do what your gut says do. If it's screaming run, then by all means do it. Take this time to get to know one another again. Build strong communication skills. Make sure that he isn't going through the jail house blues, and just building up so that you'll continue to stick around.

[nimuay]

Incarceration changed him, but what will not-incarceration do? Nobody has an answer that is guaranteed. If he's a little weak-willed, then he'll probably go back to being who he's always been. If he ha a strong mind and good basics, then yes, he may have changed.

[Mom2res&jhs]

Originally Posted by Tuan's Wife

So my boyfriend hasn't been the best boyfriend when he was out here.. He took me for granted and he realizes it now and I know for sure he will make it all up to me once he's released.. His incarceration has changed him and I can see that. I do love my boyfriend but I feel like I don't have enough good memories to hold on to our relationship.. If he didn't change, then I wouldn't be with him right now, so I believe he is a changed man. Our relationship has been stronger than ever since his imprisonment. But the problem is, I keep thinking about the past.. Why did it have to take him getting locked up to realize he took me for granted? I thought about ending our relationship before, but I decided to give him another month or two to see if he would change but he got locked up before I could even see if he was going to change. If he was "the one," he wouldn't have taken me for granted in the first place, right?? I know everyone makes mistakes and I do believe in 2nd chances so I don't know... I don't really want to go to my friends and ask them because they don't know what I'm going through.. Hopefully you guys can understand me and where I'm coming from and help me make a decision! Thanks in advance!!

I have been in a very similar situation. My guy was quite the ass at times before he ended up in prison. You have to let the past go if you choose to give him a fair second chance, if you decide that he is worth it that is. Sadly, I think it took him losing as much as he did, and damn near losing me to open his eyes and realize he needs to stop treating life like a game. I have heard a difference in his voice and through his letters over these past many months, but I keep telling him that his actions once he gets out better follow the words he is speaking now. Take it one day at a time, follow your heart and trust your women's intuition.

Good luck to you!

[joy&jermon4ever]

Yes you should give him another chance. Sometime it takes another chance for them to open they're eyes and see they got someone good. My fiance and I were only friends last year and I was very angry because he wasn't a good friend to me. I have loved him for a long time. I almost didn't give him another chance . Not only was I mad at him but I was mad at his family. God put it on my heart to forgive him, but I let him know that if he wasn't gonna be a good friend I wouldn't waste my time. I told him I wasn't trying to be his woman just a good friend but after I put my foot down and let him know he started acting better and he fell for me and ask me to be his woman and after that he ask me to marry him.

[FastCarGirl]

Originally Posted by Tuan's Wife

So my boyfriend hasn't been the best boyfriend when he was out here.. He took me for granted and he realizes it now and I know for sure he will make it all up to me once he's released.. His incarceration has changed him and I can see that. I do love my boyfriend but I feel like I don't have enough good memories to hold on to our relationship.. If he didn't change, then I wouldn't be with him right now, so I believe he is a changed man. Our relationship has been stronger than ever since his imprisonment. But the problem is, I keep thinking about the past.. Why did it have to take him getting locked up to realize he took me for granted? I thought about ending our relationship before, but I decided to give him another month or two to see if he would change but he got locked up before I could even see if he was going to change. If he was "the one," he wouldn't have taken me for granted in the first place, right?? I know everyone makes mistakes and I do believe in 2nd chances so I don't know... I don't really want to go to my friends and ask them because they don't know what I'm going through.. Hopefully you guys can understand me and where I'm coming from and help me make a decision! Thanks in advance!!

Ultimately, your the only one who can decide to stay or leave, but the sad thing about jail talk is there's no surefire way to know if it's real or if he's telling you what you want to hear until he's out. Anyone can hold it together for 15 minute phone call or a few hour visit. But there are things he can do while he's locked up that might help you see it's really more of a heart change than a "change for now while I'm vulnerable and need someone" that go beyond what he's just saying to you and more towards how he's acting.

The first thing I might consider is time. Is he doing a year? Five years? Ten years? Do you really want to wait that long for a man whom you have more bad memories than good? Do you want to lose the possibilty of finding a lot of "good memories" with someone else who treats you right from the get-go for an uncertain future with your man?

The second thing to consider is your ability to let go of the past. It has to be completely gone and forgiven (not necessarily forgotten, but forgiven) in order to make it work moving forward. If not, your both going to be defensive and it'll be more fighting than loving when he gets out.

The third thing to consider is what actions and steps is he taking while he's in there to improve himself? Is he seeking and participating in recovery services? Is he getting mental health help, especially if he had an anger problem on the outside? Is he working on schooling or learning a trade? Is he doing things that will help himself be a better person?

The fourth thing to consider is his attitude. How does he handle it when you say "no". If your money is tight and you can't put something on his books, is he grateful for what you can do, or does he try to manipulate you or guilt you?

It is definately possible to change and some people deserve second chances. If I were in your shoes, these are some of the things I would use to help me figure out if the relationship is worth saving.

[Mel.s]

I know just how you feel. I have been with my guy for 16 years and he treated me like dirt before he got locked up. I was done with him when he went in do to cheating and many other things. I thought it would be best for me and our kids to let him go. So after a month of him being locked up he started writing me and begging me to forgive him. At first I wrote him really mean letters letting him know how angry I was but he kept responding telling me how sorry he was. For 6 month I didnt talk to him on the phone cause he was in reception so we poured our hearts out on paper and things between us have changed a lot. I still dont trust him and I dont know if things will be ok but i am not ready to give up yet. He actually has been honest with me about some things that i didnt expect. I had to make changes within myself which have helped me so much to deal with this relationship. Do what you feel will be best for you good luck