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Amecia · #1 10-15-2011, 06:42 PM

...telling my husband that I will leave him. WTF? How is it their business anyway? One, they don't know me, they know nothing about me, so they can't predict what I'm gonna do or not do. Two, if they put a little less effort and time meddling into my relationship and put it into theirs, maybe THEIR girl wouldn't be fucking around on them. And just because their girl did them wrong doesn't mean I will do my husband wrong. I try not to let it get to me, but when my husband blows through our phone minutes because he just needs to hear my voice (he doesn't believe them but hearing my voice calms him down and he doesn't do anything stupid), I just can't help but get very angry. Misery loves company. Well they can go meddle in someone else's relationship and leave mine alone.

mzlonely · #2 10-15-2011, 06:53 PM

I know what you mean! I've gone through that with my man. There was a point that if my last few letters werent as long as before other inmates were saying i was prob with someone. wtf does a length of a letter have to do with that??? The issue isn't that our guys believe them but it becomes where they will blow through minutes like u said to hear your voice or just to hear you defend yourself so they "know" u care. not like they didn't already. I def feel your anger. One guy in there found out his girl was leaving him and for a week I had to deal with this guy telling my man i'm prob planning the same. People need to mind their own. Try not to let it piss you off.I know easier said then done but, all you can really do in a time like this is some good old reassurance hun

sorry you have to even deal with this bs. so annoying

jsmgal · #3 10-15-2011, 07:03 PM

Amecia - when my husband first got there he heard that a lot - and sad to say but good for him he has only one or two guys there he will even talk to other than just regular politeness. He learned really quick that it's not necessarily the guys thinking that YOU actually were doing anything but that it's just frustration from not being in control and trusting someone means not having to control them. He told me today at visitation that the saddest thing about the situation with most guys is that many of them still conduct themselves like it's Jr. High and that makes it hard to learn from the experience and change their futures. Water off a ducks back is our motto about the whole situation - we let it roll of and keep paddling our feet! I noticed we are both getting the countdowns ready to roll - happy for you!!

Princess1029 · #4 10-15-2011, 07:14 PM

When my husband first when in someone said "how long you have" he told them and their words were "don't expect her to be there when you get out" ... I think guys do it to get to them... Alot of them have lost their girlfriends or wives, and maybe they think they are preparing them that it could happen? Who knows..But I know it's not uncommon from my understanding..Just don't let it get to you.. I do all kinds of things for my hubby..I write him TONSSS!! I sent him a photo book, a card that I custom made with our pics and all kinds of stuff on it..Just things like that ...the next person told him "Your wife is awesome, you're so lucky" Maybe it could be they are just jealous of what others have..you never know.

Amecia · #5 10-15-2011, 07:15 PM

Well they play on his emotions because his worse fear is to lose me. He told me many times that if he loses me and our daughter, he will not be a very nice person and people will definitely NOT like him. He said he will go back to being the a$$hole he used to be before me and make sure everybody is scared shitless of him. So they play on his fear of losing us and try to get him in trouble. I'm amazed at how well he is controlling himself though cause a few years back, he would have knocked them out on the spot and gone to the hole. But he told me tonight that he's not trying to stay there longer than he has to. I'm just so sick of people assuming things about me or using me to get to him. I swear they're lucky they're not standing in front of me. If they think he's a mean sob, they haven't met me yet. lol

zzSuezz · #6 10-15-2011, 07:37 PM

Funny how they prey upon one's weakness to gratify themselves. We are our loved one's weakness. The very thought of them losing us terrifies them to the core. No one in this world wants to be alone. As one said above, Misery loves Company. The one's who torment our loved one is miserable in that they lost the one they loved. Not every inmate has a spouse out here willing to walk the walk. We know how strong we have to be to take those steps. Not long ago, my husband's own brother put him through that very fear. His wife suddenly and unexpectedly served him divorce papers. In his brother's sorrow, he told my husband "she's there now. she loves you now. but in 13 years she'll be gone." By the time I got home from work that night, I was a little late from working over, my husband was terrified. He was sitting on the porch waiting for me. When I got out of the car, he grabbed me and held me so tight, crying "Please don't leave me. Never leave me. I can't lose you".....that broke my heart!! And I have tears now. We just have to constantly reassure our husband's/wives that we will be there through the good and the bad. Thick and thin. And pray that the one tormenting our loved one with such haunting words will eventually find the one that will never leave their side.

mzshoother · #7 10-15-2011, 08:17 PM

misery loves company....plain and simple

Miss Esme · #8 10-17-2011, 05:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mzshoother

misery loves company....plain and simple

I agree. A few bad eggs want to make it hell for others because they have been burned. They get jealous when they see another guy getting nothing but love from his woman and he has a big fat nada going on. All you can do is keep showing your man love, and let him know you and him are not them.

FastCarGirl · #9 10-15-2011, 08:27 PM

I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that. Frankie knows better. No one can come between us except if we let them, and we don't let haters take up space in either of our heads.

It's sad a lot of inmates really are like junior high boys trying to cause trouble. I'm glad your man sees it for what it is and isn't buying into it or getting in trouble!

CoNpal · #10 10-16-2011, 08:47 AM

They all say this. Try to ignore it.

LuvnDee · #11 10-16-2011, 10:16 AM

I dont deal with other inmates telling him I'm going to leave him but he wrote me the other day and said someone told him:

DONT NO REAL WOMAN WANNA BE WITH NO MAN IN JAIL, ONLY WOMEN WHO WANNA BE WITH SOMEONE LOCKED UP IS SOMEONE AINT GOT NOTHING GOING ON FOR THEMSELVES

Of course im like WTF, but he said he told him not his woman, I dont need no man in jail, I got alot of stuff going on for myself I'm here because I want to be. (which is true). I'm like maybe this person is mad because he dont have a real woman standing by his side? My daddy said most of them men in jail do get jealous of the one's who got a good woman standing by their side. Real women do Real s***! Real women stick by their men, and most of these men are mad because they dont have a real woman supporting them. People going to say what they want to say, have their own opinons but I've learned not to pay it no attention to it anymore.

Cara1947 · #12 10-16-2011, 10:33 AM

When he first went in, he was told things like that, but he knew me better than they did! Now that we're into the ride, the guys around him realize I'm standing beside him. Many of them tell him they are envious of our relationship because I will be there when it's over. We have a very healthy relationship, so there was never in question for me.

Over time, however, he has told me that he's watched guys getting those "Dear John" letters when they thought they could depend on their spouses/girlfriends. It nearly tears them apart. But, it's a recognized possibility by all the guys . . . except my guy! I'm sure some of them make themselves feel better by trying to bring others who have better relationships down.

We just focus on US and what WE need to do for OUR relationship . . . each relationship is different. Neither of us has time for negative energy. We have total trust, respect, and honest communication . . .

pbbowden11 · #13 10-16-2011, 10:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cara1947

When he first went in, he was told things like that, but he knew me better than they did! Now that we're into the ride, the guys around him realize I'm standing beside him. Many of them tell him they are envious of our relationship because I will be there when it's over. We have a very healthy relationship, so there was never in question for me.

Over time, however, he has told me that he's watched guys getting those "Dear John" letters when they thought they could depend on their spouses/girlfriends. It nearly tears them apart. But, it's a recognized possibility by all the guys . . . except my guy! I'm sure some of them make themselves feel better by trying to bring others who have better relationships down.

We just focus on US and what WE need to do for OUR relationship . . . each relationship is different. Neither of us has time for negative energy. We have total trust, respect, and honest communication . . .

Its funny cuz i can ALWAYS tell when one of the other inmates have gotton one of those dear john letters. My mans insecurities about me leaving him come few and far between and when it does come up its only for like literally 10 seconds! lol

daisybaby · #14 10-16-2011, 11:08 AM

The majority of guys in there have seen many of the relationships their cellmates are into. They see them getting visits and often inquire about how the relationship is coming along. Unfortunately, they also see the pain of others when something goes wrong in the relationship. Having nothing but the walls surrounding them, guys have a lot of time to think about things. Often, they come to a terribly negative conclusion about relationships and their meaning. It sucks because sometimes, they try to help other cellmates stop themselves from getting too involved, but this type of mindset isn't good.

My boyfriend and I often experienced others negative comments about incarcerated relationships, particularly the views of his "celly's". It often had a lot of negative feedback about me leaving him and blah blah blah. Someone even said I would be gone in six months. Well, I am glad to say 15 months later, my feet are firmly planted on the ground, waiting for my loved one to come home soon.

Just remember that each one of you ladies is special because you have a different mindset than other girls do. That's the reason why you've been able to stay in this kind of relationship and have made it work

and that's coming from my man

niks_wifey · #15 10-16-2011, 11:16 AM

I can't really say I've had this problem pretty much its been inmates being jealous of my husband because I write him everyday so he gets mail everyday their getting no mail noone is answering their calls so their always jealous...they never put me down to my husband they always say how lucky he is and kind of brag about me with him...so I guess I got it lucky....but keep your head up...they are just jealous and in your case it could be they aren't getting anything so they try to put you down...but don't let it get to ya...stay strong

Huerita_Loca · #16 10-16-2011, 12:59 PM

I see it this way:

A lot of these dudes have done a LOT of time. They have seen it all and the REALITY is a lot of women can't hack it and DO give up. I don't know exact percentages, but it happens. My hubby and I are MWI and the b*tch that he was with when he went in - taking care of her and HER kids...she was gone in SIX MONTHS of his bid. She was OK when she was riding the gravy train with the money he was making doing his dirt, but then she was GONE!!!!!

It does take a strong woman to do this. Those dudes are jealous anyway. I keep hubby in the mail ALWAYS and he's ALWAYS bragging about me.

As far as women not having a life out here, I'm sure hubby was thrilled when I got my job working for a big bank - his wife is bringing in the bucks!

Don't let it get to you. I know it's hard, but just be there for him to hear him, console him and come here to vent to us.

**nevaeh2morrow** · #17 10-17-2011, 04:23 PM

Yes, they do hear that all the time! You hit it right on the head when you said - "Misery loves company"

Debylg · #18 10-24-2011, 08:20 AM

They are surrounded with negativity there. When my husband first went down and he spoke to his counselor, his COUNSELOR told him - prepare yourself, your wife will not be around, your kids won't, you won't have friends - you won't have anything or anyone when this is over. ?!?!?!ReallY!?!?!?

I was furious. So, 7 years and 1 month into an 8 year sentence, I am still with him, his children still come to see him, our friends (true friends), ask about him and his family is still waiting for his return. His father just bought a piece of land and told us - when he finally does get released, he has a ready made home. At first, he had concerns - but he now sees, I do what I say. When the other inmates say she's with Jody (the imaginary lover) - he laughs and knows, not for him

. Your will eventually too - you may need to reassure him a bit more in the beginning - but time help.

seeyouin10 · #19 10-24-2011, 09:18 AM

It was drilled into his head by CO's, other inmates and his classification counselor that he might as well forget about me because I was going to leave him shortly. While he was in R&E he saw countless guys get those "Dear John" letters in the mail. He was convinced he was going to get one too. Six months later, he still gets mail every day, money in his canteen account and me at every visitation. He finally came to the realization somewhere along the way that I wasn't going anywhere and he was stuck with me. Every once in a while (like last night) he will make a comment about how he hopes I can deal with his ups and downs in there (mood swings, depression) and how the only thing keeping him going is the hope of being able to lay beside me again. Of course I can handle the mood swings and depression. I can also handle the good things too like him teaching a class on money management to help those about to be released by max out or parole. Some days are darker than others, but nothing will make me leave his side.