Still Here...updates

[walloon]

Well lets see.

1. Great new position with one of the worlds largest banks.

2. Kids are amazing.

3. Relocated.

4. Reading Bancroft again.

5...

I am reading it for the 3rd time. NOT because I need help seeing him for what he is but because I have independant of his knowlege / sight/ urging done a very indepth study into my own character.

I am also an abuser. And it is really hard to say that.

As I read the book...my father and his abuse was written on almost every page. I have always known he was but didnt talk about it. He and my Mom have been married forever. Great provider etc. BUT we always did and.still do WALK on eggshells around him...EVERYONE does but are so ELATED when he is being nice or kind we negate it. It is SICK.

I began to write and really pay attention to my interactions with my kids/ fam/ coworkers....its not respect...they fear how easily I manipulate and cause very impacting situations. I thought I was just Type A and believed in Excellence. I am ashames.

It DOES NOT at all take away from my sig others actions. It neither negates or explains them.

What it boils down to is that we are both in need of rewiring. It will not be easy and I ampositive cant be together. I havent mentioned my.self discovery to him..he would use it as AMMO. So as I am nearly completely detached I feel lost and free at the same.time. Much like an escaped wild animal from the zoo. I know its the.freedom I deserve that I fear the most. I hate being controlled but being unable to control is debilatating.

Side note he still wants to drive me to and from work everyday. It was sweet.three.years.ago..now.its juat.pitiful. Smh at him

Sent from my DROIDX using PrisonTalk

[Free Again]

WOW. Wallon, I am glad to hear from you but in all honesty, I'm not sure what to make of this... I WILL say that the need to control EVERY aspect in my home is such that I feel like I'm in a bit of a tailspin when things don't run on schedule around here. Routine is HUGELY important to me. MY routine. Does that mean I'm an abuser too?. Sometimes, I think that if we look too deeply we can find whatever we are looking for even when it's not there. Thats not to say it's NOT there, just MAYBE the signs can be turned to suit the purpose of the journey?.

I was always one to feel guilt/take the blame very easily, I THINK it was because it was easier to look for reasons for other ppl's shitty actions in myself as they were not gonna give me the answers I needed..... I dunno, just hypothesisng..... ((((HUGS))) either way, I'm glad to hear from you.

[mooshy]

Hey Walloon and Free. Good to see ya both. XX

I can relate a bit, I often wonder if some of my behaviour is maybe not just because of the abuse, but actually is abusive.

I try not to be but we all have it in us, don't we?

[nimuay]

Walloon, I have had the same idea - some of my behavior could possibly cross over into abusive . . . in particular my sense of perfection. So I let it go. I have learned to keep my thoughts of others' imperfections to myself, to be chewed over later and dissected as to their origins and validity, NOT my sense of 'rightness' which I acknowledge is skewed.

[wickit]

There you are! I'm so happy to hear from you and how well you are doing. Just keep it up, one foot in front of the other.