This is how I made it through

[negretelove]

Hello ladies

well I have always seen alot of posts asking how to make it through DOC hell...I now feel confident enough to post how I made it through and hope it will help someone else

1. COMMUNICATION-- I know you have heard this before but let me tell you incarceration is the best time to learn new techniques of communicating. Each couple will have a different approach to this task but as long as you are open and honest communication will work for you!!

2. Schedule --- we scheduled phone calls so that I would not miss them. I have 4 kids so between work, sports, homework I easily miss phone calls. Also you want those few minutes to be focused no distractions can make a 15 min conversation feel like 30

3. Phone calls should be used for the hello how are you very casual, do not bum-barred each other with non-sense. if there is something that can be dealt with in that short time then go for it but it is best to keep the convo light and pleasant ----- letters this is going to be the base for your communication...details details details!!!! Let him know everything if there is an issue you need to get off your mind write it down remember to let him know what you are hoping will be the outcome...and how you feel it can be resolved...he needs to do the same..do not fall into one person making the decisions. -----visits this is where you can follow up the communication from the letters deal with an issue at the beginning of your visit that way you will end the visit on a good note

4. build your relationship.... wants/needs/expectations and boundaries need to be set for each individual and for the relationship...me personally I feel that this should be the foundation and should not change in or out of prison..if both of you put it on the table and keep that line of communication open then you have a solid relationship

5. DRAMA---no need for it...family, friends, co-workers....all of it is not needed push it to the side and keep moving this includes his fam is not doing this or that for him...baby momma is getting in the way....my family does not like him...all of that push it away no need to deal with other peoples issues when you have enough of your own. Chances are once he comes home and you all are doing good peoples opinions will change and even if they do not OH WELL it is still their issue.

6. Feeling Guilty---do not feel guilty for his incarceration or anything that happens because of HIS choices..sorry to say but couples are made up of 2 individuals and as individuals we make choices without considering how it will effect our loved one....if a loved one has made a selfish decision then the guilt is on them.

7. Do Not Hard Time It----do not let his time become your time...set goals, socialize, keep busy, find a new hobby...etc....

8. For every Action there is a Re-action----keep this in mind not just through this journey but through life.....get to know your loved one by his actions and re-actions...this will help you to come to the conclusion of wheather or not he has changed

9. Support---support will come in many forms and from many different types of people.....when you find it and it is healthy support hold onto it

10. Do YOU...Take care of YOU...do not do more for him and suffer because of it..you can be that ride or die chick just by being there for him...doing the extras for him does not make you anymore in love or supportive then the girl that can only send letters....none of this is a competition

hope this helps and if anyone has anything to add please keep this thread going

[allmylove2020]

Thanks for the tips! We are just starting out and obviously have a long road ahead so this is very good info for me thanks again!

[wickzfinest727]

Wow couldnt have said it any better this is exactly what we do! An this bid has made our relationship so much stronger because of communicatin thanks

[taraadele18]

Very well put!!!

Sent from my iPhone using PrisonTalk

[3up4eva]

Congrats on having one week left

Originally Posted by negretelove

Hello ladies

well I have always seen alot of posts asking how to make it through DOC hell...I now feel confident enough to post how I made it through and hope it will help someone else

1. COMMUNICATION-- I know you have heard this before but let me tell you incarceration is the best time to learn new techniques of communicating. Each couple will have a different approach to this task but as long as you are open and honest communication will work for you!!

2. Schedule --- we scheduled phone calls so that I would not miss them. I have 4 kids so between work, sports, homework I easily miss phone calls. Also you want those few minutes to be focused no distractions can make a 15 min conversation feel like 30

3. Phone calls should be used for the hello how are you very casual, do not bum-barred each other with non-sense. if there is something that can be dealt with in that short time then go for it but it is best to keep the convo light and pleasant ----- letters this is going to be the base for your communication...details details details!!!! Let him know everything if there is an issue you need to get off your mind write it down remember to let him know what you are hoping will be the outcome...and how you feel it can be resolved...he needs to do the same..do not fall into one person making the decisions. -----visits this is where you can follow up the communication from the letters deal with an issue at the beginning of your visit that way you will end the visit on a good note

4. build your relationship.... wants/needs/expectations and boundaries need to be set for each individual and for the relationship...me personally I feel that this should be the foundation and should not change in or out of prison..if both of you put it on the table and keep that line of communication open then you have a solid relationship

5. DRAMA---no need for it...family, friends, co-workers....all of it is not needed push it to the side and keep moving this includes his fam is not doing this or that for him...baby momma is getting in the way....my family does not like him...all of that push it away no need to deal with other peoples issues when you have enough of your own. Chances are once he comes home and you all are doing good peoples opinions will change and even if they do not OH WELL it is still their issue.

6. Feeling Guilty---do not feel guilty for his incarceration or anything that happens because of HIS choices..sorry to say but couples are made up of 2 individuals and as individuals we make choices without considering how it will effect our loved one....if a loved one has made a selfish decision then the guilt is on them.

7. Do Not Hard Time It----do not let his time become your time...set goals, socialize, keep busy, find a new hobby...etc....

8. For every Action there is a Re-action----keep this in mind not just through this journey but through life.....get to know your loved one by his actions and re-actions...this will help you to come to the conclusion of wheather or not he has changed

9. Support---support will come in many forms and from many different types of people.....when you find it and it is healthy support hold onto it

10. Do YOU...Take care of YOU...do not do more for him and suffer because of it..you can be that ride or die chick just by being there for him...doing the extras for him does not make you anymore in love or supportive then the girl that can only send letters....none of this is a competition

hope this helps and if anyone has anything to add please keep this thread going

[negretelove]

3up4eva------lol I need to take that ticker off...my husband has been out a year after doing 9yrs

not sure what happened when the time hit for his release the ticker went back to us having a yr good thing it was a technical error and not the real thing

[3up4eva]

Oh wow, Well that's even better that he's been home for year, lol!!!

Originally Posted by negretelove

3up4eva------lol I need to take that ticker off...my husband has been out a year after doing 9yrs

not sure what happened when the time hit for his release the ticker went back to us having a yr good thing it was a technical error and not the real thing

[jas- missesHim]

I love it. Thank u much

[Princess1029]

Thank you for all the tips!!

[Imy Zet]

This was EXTREMELY helpful. Especially for those of us just starting out! Thank u.!

[bronsonsgirl]

Thank you so much... we do alot of this already.... 14 years is too long!!!!

[Sad_Eyes]

I also am just starting out. All I can say is thank you. You have given me HOPE on a day when I really needed it.

[BritneyGiggles]

<3

5-5-11 @_temptFate

[negretelove]

thank you all!!

I hope that this info does help...it really worked for us and we have continued alot of this since he has been out.

((((((hugs))))) to all you strong, beautiful, loving women...your men are lucky and I hope they appreciate the person they have in you

[Beachhouse]

Originally Posted by negretelove

thank you all!!

I hope that this info does help...it really worked for us and we have continued alot of this since he has been out.

((((((hugs))))) to all you strong, beautiful, loving women...your men are lucky and I hope they appreciate the person they have in you

This is great! You mentioned you continued a lot of this in the year since he's been out. We joke about continuing to write letters and just setting them on the breakfast table or counter. Do you us still write?

[MnNice]

Originally Posted by negretelove

Hello ladies

well I have always seen alot of posts asking how to make it through DOC hell...I now feel confident enough to post how I made it through and hope it will help someone else

1. COMMUNICATION-- I know you have heard this before but let me tell you incarceration is the best time to learn new techniques of communicating. Each couple will have a different approach to this task but as long as you are open and honest communication will work for you!!

2. Schedule --- we scheduled phone calls so that I would not miss them. I have 4 kids so between work, sports, homework I easily miss phone calls. Also you want those few minutes to be focused no distractions can make a 15 min conversation feel like 30

3. Phone calls should be used for the hello how are you very casual, do not bum-barred each other with non-sense. if there is something that can be dealt with in that short time then go for it but it is best to keep the convo light and pleasant ----- letters this is going to be the base for your communication...details details details!!!! Let him know everything if there is an issue you need to get off your mind write it down remember to let him know what you are hoping will be the outcome...and how you feel it can be resolved...he needs to do the same..do not fall into one person making the decisions. -----visits this is where you can follow up the communication from the letters deal with an issue at the beginning of your visit that way you will end the visit on a good note

4. build your relationship.... wants/needs/expectations and boundaries need to be set for each individual and for the relationship...me personally I feel that this should be the foundation and should not change in or out of prison..if both of you put it on the table and keep that line of communication open then you have a solid relationship

5. DRAMA---no need for it...family, friends, co-workers....all of it is not needed push it to the side and keep moving this includes his fam is not doing this or that for him...baby momma is getting in the way....my family does not like him...all of that push it away no need to deal with other peoples issues when you have enough of your own. Chances are once he comes home and you all are doing good peoples opinions will change and even if they do not OH WELL it is still their issue.

6. Feeling Guilty---do not feel guilty for his incarceration or anything that happens because of HIS choices..sorry to say but couples are made up of 2 individuals and as individuals we make choices without considering how it will effect our loved one....if a loved one has made a selfish decision then the guilt is on them.

7. Do Not Hard Time It----do not let his time become your time...set goals, socialize, keep busy, find a new hobby...etc....

8. For every Action there is a Re-action----keep this in mind not just through this journey but through life.....get to know your loved one by his actions and re-actions...this will help you to come to the conclusion of wheather or not he has changed

9. Support---support will come in many forms and from many different types of people.....when you find it and it is healthy support hold onto it

10. Do YOU...Take care of YOU...do not do more for him and suffer because of it..you can be that ride or die chick just by being there for him...doing the extras for him does not make you anymore in love or supportive then the girl that can only send letters....none of this is a competition

hope this helps and if anyone has anything to add please keep this thread going

This is all great!! Thanks for posting

[negretelove]

Beachhouse--- before he went in there was no facebook myspace all of that so when he got out we made one and we send love notes back and forth on that and email each other even when we are in the house/room together ....but you just gave me the great idea of going 'old school' and I am going to write him a letter

[adamsrubberduck]

You are so right on the money with these tips. 1,2,3,4 and 8 are my personal favs. I am learning things about communication that I didn't know about. It's weird but in a way I am grateful for his time away so that I can learn how to hold my tongue. It can cut like a knife and I am learning not to sweat the small stuff and when the stuff is big that I need to walk away for a few days sometimes and then re-address it. I am praying that I can do this once he is home as well. I am still learning new things everyday about my personality and his.

Thanks again!

[Beachhouse]

Originally Posted by negretelove

Beachhouse--- before he went in there was no facebook myspace all of that so when he got out we made one and we send love notes back and forth on that and email each other even when we are in the house/room together ....but you just gave me the great idea of going 'old school' and I am going to write him a letter

I love my letters with a greedy passion I didn't know could exist for paper and thoughts placed on it.

I'm glad your going to go old school on him. I get excited thinking how we will continue to wrote even if in the same house. We will txt. More too. I'm so sad for all that we missed before this and didn't realize.

Have fun with the letters. Did you save all the ones from before?

[negretelove]

Originally Posted by Beachhouse

I love my letters with a greedy passion I didn't know could exist for paper and thoughts placed on it.

I'm glad your going to go old school on him. I get excited thinking how we will continue to wrote even if in the same house. We will txt. More too. I'm so sad for all that we missed before this and didn't realize.

Have fun with the letters. Did you save all the ones from before?

unfortunately everything from the first year and a half ended up ruined while in storage, but i have everything from after that point.

i often pull out the letters even with him home and go through them it is a nice little reminder of what we have accomplished as a couple

[Beachhouse]

Originally Posted by negretelove

unfortunately everything from the first year and a half ended up ruined while in storage, but i have everything from after that point.

i often pull out the letters even with him home and go through them it is a nice little reminder of what we have accomplished as a couple

Sweetness.... I love this. Though the letters being ruined I don't love. : )

I want to take our letters and place them in order and print a book for us to have. Except I write soo much and dont scan them, he won't give them back yet. I will have to start scanning mine sine I do his already.

[FastCarGirl]

Thank you so much for that...it's awesome! About the only thing I can think of to add, is "expect reality".

In other words, if his max out date is XX/XX/XXXX......expect him to get out XX/XX/XXXX unless he has legal paperwork in his hot little hands that says otherwise. I think a lot of stress, pain, frustration can be avoided if you keep in mind no parole is guarenteed, good time can be lost, but typically, they can't keep him past his max. That's reality. Anything sooner than that is just a bonus and a cause to celebrate. Hope for the best, prepare for reality. Reality's not the worst, it's what is. The worst is he catches new charges and gets even MORE time!

[eroro1608]

Originally Posted by FastCarGirl

Thank you so much for that...it's awesome! About the only thing I can think of to add, is "expect reality".

In other words, if his max out date is XX/XX/XXXX......expect him to get out XX/XX/XXXX unless he has legal paperwork in his hot little hands that says otherwise. I think a lot of stress, pain, frustration can be avoided if you keep in mind no parole is guarenteed, good time can be lost, but typically, they can't keep him past his max. That's reality. Anything sooner than that is just a bonus and a cause to celebrate. Hope for the best, prepare for reality. Reality's not the worst, it's what is. The worst is he catches new charges and gets even MORE time!

FastCarGirl-you must have made that post for me!! I'll explain later but in the last 2 and half days my man has been moved from Chino to here and he's in county jail because he was due in court. So a little over a year into this sentence he's in court for arraignment because the d.a. decides to charge him with a 211 (Attempted Robbery). I haven't had a chance to talk to him since before he was booked yesterday but I got the visit tonight scheduled so i'll find out. It's messed up, my honey poor thing, he tells me on that first call "Please babe don't BAIL on me ok?" because we both kind of thought they same thing but didn't SAY it: The worst case scenario was an old charge or something from his past and it could add time (he's due out November 2012) I almost cried!! He sounded so worried but not about the court about me leaving him!

YUCK I hate county jail visits!! 30 minutes and behind the glass and on the stupid phones. I haven't seen him since he went in and when I do tonight I HAVE GLASS separating us.

Point is: Expect the worst but hope for the best. If your man isn't at the max out WHEN he gets out isn't SET IN STONE!! Things change OVERNIGHT believe me, and you have to just keep going and get through it.

[ohsweetmaryjane]

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THIS!!! Thanks for sharing.

[DP's Girl]

Thank you for this. It will help a lot of us still on the journey. Congratulations on having him home and making it work.