He's in jail & I've lost the kids permanently....What do I do now?

[ydobrrup]

Well I been told that it will never get better an I want to take this all on my own an say it is but it dose say it take two to fight now I am not inosint I have done alot to this man in the eight years we have been married but I now single handily broke the hole family up I got our kid takein away permitly and he is now sitting in jail on a probation vilolation an another dv case all because I didn't keep my mouth shut I really do wish I did but they say its all gonna happen again if I don't leave I pushed him into a cornner now this dose anyone have any clue on what to do

[nimuay]

Well, just for starters, you said "another dv case", so you know it really does happen again. and unfortunately, with both of prone to violence, it will ABSOLUTELY happen again. That is one of the worst ways for a child, any child, to grow up. They constantly live in fear, they tend to do poorly in school, they are sexually active much earlier than the norm, and all those lead to lower lifetime earnings, serious psychological disturbance and probable prison stints of their own.

I will say, however, that you didn't break the whole family up all by yourself. Your husband did his full share, right? The fact that you talked about it was actually good. It will create an opportunity to learn about this whirlwind you've been living in and STOP IT! Get some counseling at the local domestic abuse center, and if you work really hard with them, learning what you need to, you might be able to get your daughter back.

If you've been warned before about allowing him to live with you, though, and allowed him back anyway, you can be charged with endangering a minor. Repeat it and they can go to court and have your parental rights terminated.

[jancy]

I have not read your whole story but I can tell you that my son was expelled in both 8th and 9th grades. at that time he was ordered to counseling before he could return. the psychology group told me to kick my husband out. I was married a long time to him by then, and feared being on my own, was a Catholic and did not believe in divorce.

I let the man stay. he proceeded to belittle my son, erase his self esteem and my son went on to drugs and 4 jails and one prison. I wish to hell I had thrown my ex out when my son was only 14 or so. NOO I let him stay and continue to ruin our lives another 4 or 5 yrs.

I am now divorced for almost ten years, and my ex is history, my son so much better. if you have been told to make the man leave....DO IT.

[jancy]

PS this is your kids' one and only childhood. the man is an adult. be there for the kids.

[bumblebee37]

I read your other posts since becoming a member and I really don't think there is anything you can do at this point. I would like to suggest that you go for a lot of counseling at domestic violence organization because it has effected your life in many ways. This man, your husband, he has his own issue's to face. You need to make sure you are going to be okay.
bb

[Snowbaby62]

Originally Posted by jancy

PS this is your kids' one and only childhood. the man is an adult. be there for the kids.

great advice, but it sounds like a little too late unfortunately

[nimuay]

Whew, I went back and read your posts too, and let me suggest, as gently as I can, that you start concentrating on rehabilitating yourself. And get yourself onto some form of birth control. You don't have the emotional resources to raise a child, because you haven't even been raised yourself yet. You're going to have to do a lot of thinking, reading and therapy before you're ready for that.

Child abuse is so permanent, and so deadly. You really don't want to pass it on, but you have to re-learn and unlearn a great deal before you can keep from inflicting it on another human being of any age.

[ydobrrup]

Well scince I was just convicted with assault with a deadly weapon on a child an a habitual child abuser with three counts of DV also on my records I can't help that I feel that when I opened my mouth that my husband has truer to kill me an my child many times that it is my fault that I will never see my child again and that my husband will never see him again I take full acountabilty for all that I have done as well as his stuff to an I had one minute worth of being mad an now this I feel horrible I'm so scared of him an what he is capable of I just don't know what to do I actually wanted to end this tonight but talked to some friends insted I'm glad that I did I know that this is a woe of me game that I'm playing right now an I'm trying to get my head right so I won't feel sorry for myself any more I'm just as mush responsible for this probably more so than him cause I have allowed it to happen to many times any advice an crunstrutive critism will be apperciated

[LeBeau]

What you do now is seek out the therapy you need to begin to lay your numerous demons to rest and to become a healthier, more whole adult.
You walk away from this man.
There is almost zero possibility of the two of you having a future that can be a safe, happy one. There's too much history and you're both too damaged.
You CAN have a good life, if you're willing to work for it but not with this man.

I'm terribly sorry you've lost custody of your children but it sounds like they may be safer away from you and, if you were found to be an habitual abuser, you HAD chances to do better for them and for yourself- I know how hard that sounds and how unfeeling, please believe that it's not my intent to be cruel, but there's really no way of sugar coating this situation and the courts have an obligation to see that children are safe when the parents show that they can't provide a safe environment.

What you do from here is both simple and infinitely complex- you start over.
You get busy making yourself healthy, you get rid of all the toxic influences in your life- whether those are people, substances or patterns of thought and you start over.
I really do wish you luck.

[nanna linda]

Originally Posted by ydobrrup

Well I been told that it will never get better an I want to take this all on my own an say it is but it dose say it take two to fight now I am not inosint I have done alot to this man in the eight years we have been married but I now single handily broke the hole family up I got our kid takein away permitly and he is now sitting in jail on a probation vilolation an another dv case all because I didn't keep my mouth shut I really do wish I did but they say its all gonna happen again if I don't leave I pushed him into a cornner now this dose anyone have any clue on what to do

Hi,
Okay ask yourself this what do i need to do to change for the better about myself and my life that will bring me to a more positive, happier, secure , way of life for myself and my child?
What lessons have i learned from my actions? and if you find you have been repeating the same over and over ask yourself why and where it has brought you to.
We are all responsible for our choices and actions, and from every negative action there is a reaction it is called Karma, Karma brings us to where we are now from our actions good and bad.
Stop beating yourself up, and start to change what you know you need to change about yourself, that will bring you into a more positve energy and way of life, once you do that you can move forward into the future and receive what you are meant to experience that will be better and happier for you and your child.
We have choices in our life, and we have paths to follow, learning from our experieces teaches us which path to follow that will lead us to a better outcome.
Trust your gut feelings it is your soul truth the truth that cannot be supressed , hidden or ignored if you know you shoudnt do something it is your truth telling you not to do it, you can ignore it or follow it its always our choice.
I hope you will not fear any positive changes you need to make for yourself, changes bring us to new experiences and opportunities we just need to allow ourselves to be strong and move away from whatwe know isnt right for us , healthy for us, happy for us and give ourselves permission to have something much greater in our lives its never too late to make new and better choices for ourselves and our lives.
I wish everything to be better for you and your son Nanna linda xx