Heading in the same direction??

[Mommaduke]

I am worried sick about my 20 yr old. He was my saving Grace after all my troubles with his older brothers. The oldest is in jail for at least 2 years on drug related charges, the middle son has had 1 arrest 2 days before his 18th birthday for something that wasn't his..proven and expunged thank God, however he's had 2 underage drinking violations , he once punched a plate glass window (while drunk of course) and hitting and artery almost killing himself. He somehow managed to make it to age 22, maintain decent grades, graduate with a decent GPA and just recently got a job which I hope to be the start of a very good career. I still worry about his drinking I don't think I'll ever stop. #3 went away to college in September. Up until then he had been going to community and was on deans list. Since he went away in Sept he has an underage drinking violation (he's 20), his grades have plummeted, he's been in a couple of fights (drunk of course), and most recently went to his $200 mandatory class (for the underage drinking) still smelling of the alcohol he consumed the night before. Of course he got kicked out, will lose the $200, still pay the $330.00 fine AND lose hi license no doubt. And he doesn't understand why I'm so angry. REALLY??? I am at a total lossas to what to say to this kid. he see's his brother in prison, he knows that quite a few of the guys in jail are there because of drinking and fighting, drinking and driving, hurting someone while drinking, making poor choices while intoxicated, moving from the drug of alcohol to the drug of pot, cocaine, heroin etc. And he doesn't understand why I'm so mad? Well, quite frankly I'm done. He will not get a dime out of me for school, food etc.. NADA You try and help them, guide them, encourage them and love them and they just keep throwing it back in your face. I can't watch another one take this path, I just can't.... and I don't know how to stop it....I feel so helpless sometimes.

[bluebella]

Well you said it, your doing everything, by doing nothing. It is not easy to see the path they choose. There is a sickness that they do not want to take their medicine for, so stand your ground and be as kind as you can. It is not them in control, but the sickness they are not fighting right now. Anything can change at any time.

[koolaidmom]

Oh Momadke,

We are never done being moms. However you can be done enabling. And you have every right to be very angry. Sometimes they just have to experience it their self. It is so sad that he did not get it by watching his brothers mistakes. I am sorry and I will be senDing prayers your way for calm and strength.

Hugs
G

[DannysFM]

Oh no.... I am so sorry to hear this. I think you are doing the right thing by refusing to give him money. He needs to feel the full consequences of his actions, and maybe, hopefully, it will be enough to sway him from his current path.

There is a lot of drinking on college campuses, and he is probably trying to fit in. But it sounds like it has gone farther than that, now, and he is really getting himself into trouble. Can his older brother who is incarcerated reach out to him and try to talk some sense into him?? It is so hard when they are being controlled by drugs or alcohol, and so difficult to accept that we can't stop them from using, even though we want to SO BADLY!

I will keep you and your son in my prayers. Take care of YOU. You deserve it.

[charles mom]

I wish I knew what to say. I feel exactly like you. All you can do is teach them right from wrong and hope they make good decisions. I agree about not giving him money. I learned long ago that throwing money at the problem only made it worse. I have 3 children younger than Charles and I always hope and pray they learn from his mistakes. I don't sugarcoat prison. I don't know if that's right or wrong, but I let the other kids know exactly what's going on. I don't want them to think it's no big deal. It's a HUGE deal. I know it's heartbreaking, but hang in there. Hopefully something will wake him up soon.

[1bird2]

Bless your heart! So many of us know where you are right now....and I hate this for you....I think you are doing the right thing by not enabling him....but it does not stop the pain of emotionally following him all the way to the crash site...I pray that he sees his problem for what it is...a problem. And I pray that he will seek help for his problem....before it becomes a bigger problem!
Hang tough, stay strong and NEVER lose HOPE....Hope is always there, even when we don't see it! He'll figure it out at some point...and thank you one day.
Love and prayers,
XXOO

[mg113]

I am so sorry, its so hard to watch our kids set themselves up to fall hard , your doing the right thing, I often wonder who tough love is harder on us as the parent having to watch our children do things to make their lives harder or our child

[Gavin123]

Momaduke, I'm so sorry. Yes, be sick of it...let it keep you a bit angry so you will have the strength to say NO!!!!! I have found this worked with my son, at least he stopped asking me for money or to pay anything. Try turning the tables, letting him know he made the decision to do whatever.

Don't loose your temper or get mad, he knows by now how you feel. If he asks for money, just tell him sorry but no. Don't get drawn into an argument at all. When you talk to him, say things like "I'm sorry this happened to YOU, what are YOU gona do now" -or- "I hope that drink was worth all the money YOU are going to have to fork out" -or- "How are YOU gona get around with no car"

If he asks for you to pay, tell him "Sorry, but you did this...not me. Your gona have to fix this" IF he gets mad, just ignore him...tell him he's an adult, to act like one. If he's old enough to drink, he's old enough to pay the consiquences.

LEt him know this is his responsibility. It will make him think about it and after a while, he will know whatever he does, he will be responsible for the consiquences of his own actions. I don't know how much your son will ask you to do, I wouldn't give in an inch. IF you don't stop it now, he will drain you. If he doesn't have money, he can't afford to drink. Don't support his drinking habbits. He can say it's for food, gas, school but as moms...we know deep down what they do with the money.

Our children have no mercy for us sometimes, we give & give & give, they take & take then ask for more!!!

{{{{HUGS}}}}

[Tracy147]

You know you cant stop it. Hes a big boy now. His path in life is his. I feel your pain, want to shake the shit out of them......but we cant. All we can do is tell them we love them, how it makes us feel, and let them know that we will not be dragged into his self destruction, he has choices.