Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

Grannydi · #1 05-19-2012, 06:36 AM

My daughter is a long-term meth addict, and is currently incarcerated in Arizona. She’s been in for a year and has 11 months left to do. I have not seen her since 2009, and have not had much of a relationship with her for the past 15 years. This is her third pass through the prison system. She’s my youngest and recently turned 35.

She has four kids and has lost parental rights to three and custody of the fourth. They are 17, 14, 13 and 12. I raised the oldest practically since birth, adopted him when he was 8, and he will turn 18 while she’s still in prison. He’s only seen his mom a handful of times since he was three and is understandably very angry with her. I became a foster parent to take custody of the 13 year old when she was two and adopted her through the foster care system when she was 4, and she’s only seen her mom three times since she was two. She would like nothing better than to have a relationship with and get to know her mom. It seems pathetic that my daughter has been right here in the Phoenix area all this time, as we are, and has never made time for her kids or her family. It has been her choice not to have contact all these years.

Six months into her sentence she finally contacted us and began writing. We’ve been getting one or two letters per week for the past six months. I’m almost ashamed to say that I have only written her twice. Once in December, and I also sent her a birthday card a few weeks ago when she turned 35. She seems to have changed some, says she regrets all she threw away over the years, and is begging for a chance to fix the family relationships. I am so angry...still...even after all this time, that I’m just not sure I can find it in my heart to go through this again. Because, of course, we've been through this before when she was incarcerated in the past.

I am here to try to find a way to forgive and move forward. Or let it go. As much as she apparently seems to need her family at this time, I realize that the anger is also eating me up and damaging me as well. The letters eat at me and are all I think about. But I can’t seem to put pen to paper, even as much as I want to. I really need to find a way to either forgive her and try to move forward in a relationship with her, or let go and move forward myself. You all seem like very wise women (I’ve been reading here for a while) and I really need some support to figure out what to do.

Diana

mandymoo · #2 05-19-2012, 07:49 AM

Hi Diana, you fit here, for sure! I am also in Az, our son was also in b/c of meth. We had the blessing of seeing him clean up before he went in but so many of the families we met during his incarceration said they were actually grateful for the prison sentence because it was the first time in a long time that they and their grandkdis had seen the inmate clean. Your daughter has a long stretch this time and has her real head on for the first time in many years and is undoubtedly full of regrets . I saw a lot of inmates rebuild relationships with their kids and parents during visits over the years our son was in, and I met a lot of inmates whose families were just done with it all, and I'm sure the feelings were justified. Only you and your kids can make this decision. You are feeling anger, yet the letters eat at you . Maybe you all should just have a discussion about what you're feeling and the pros and cons of writing/visiting. Glad you came here to pwcip!

Mandy

juss me6 · #3 05-19-2012, 07:50 AM

your feelings are very understandable. addiction is a disease and she is gonna need all the support she can get when she comes back out into the world so she doesnt slip into the pattern again. inform her if she wants to stay clean you will learn to forgive her and be there for her. she needs her mom right now

mandymoo · #4 05-19-2012, 08:18 AM

I know with my dad and brother, their time spent in institutions (hospitals in their cases, their dependency was alcohol) was the only time I ever spent with them clean and sober. They COULD NOT and DID NOT ever get sober on the outside. That is something we have to consider, our loved ones may NEVER get clean no matter how much support we give them. However, I am very happy that I did get to know them when they were forced to be sober and I'm grateful for that time spent with them.

mrsrimoldi · #5 05-19-2012, 10:33 AM

Addiction is one of the ugliest diseases I've ever encountered. The things an addict does can make us think we hate the person! Hate the disease not the addict. So much easier said than done. I have an Uncle who has spend most of his adult life in prison b/c of addiction. My Grandma put him in every rehab she could get him into, she did everything in her power to try and help him. Damn near broke her spirit. The conclusion she has come to is this. When he's sober she is happy to have him in her life and they have a unique relationship, when he starts messing up she knows and she cuts him off~ the time before the last time he got in trouble and she was saying something along the lines of ,the judge should have bonded him out b/c there was no proof he had done what he was accused of. I looked at her and said "Grandma if it looks like a fish and smells like a fish it's a fish!! Why should let him bond out when he is a DANGER to himself as well as society? In prison George is a good son on drugs he's a awful son." Needless to say Grandma wasn't happy with my opinion. We were at a family reunion when this happen, a week in the Rocky Mountains and then back to our homesteads all over the US. Grandma and I had many conversations that week, seeing how much George has hurt her makes everybody mad at him but at the same time we all still love him. Grandma and I still talk about George a lot, I'm only 4 years younger than him, I don't pussyfoot around the subject and I think she appreciates my opinion even if she doesn't agree.
It's an evil double edged sword, you so want to believe when they say "it's different this time" yet your memories of all the other times you have heard this and the disappointment and hurt you feel every time it happens again. Do you have it in you to try again? It seems since you still have anger over all this you got some fight left in you

My suggestion is while your daughter is still in jail write her and tell her how you feel, how her behavior has effected you, your life, the lives of her children and all. Tell her honest and true you just don't know if you have it in you to open up again. If she is in recovery she will have learned how to process this, it's not easy but then again the way you are feeling right now isn't easy either is it? Do you know what your daughters plans are after she gets out? Does she have a plan? Maybe you could help her find a sober house or a recovery center to go to or even NA meetings? If she seems open to that and follows through then that is a step in the right direction. We are all on our own journey through this life, let the grands decide for themselves if they want to give her a chance or not, I like the family meeting about it, or just brought up at dinner in casual conversation. Have you ever talked to a counselor about your feelings? Sometimes they help sometimes not, I've had good experiences and good guidance but then again I did walk away from one idiot who just wanted to prescribe meds when I didn't need them, I needed to understand myself! I found another who actually listened to me and helped a lot. Be gentle with yourself and know your feelings matter, you can only give what you've got to give. I pray for help all the time and it helps me cope. Don't be mad at yourself for being mad at her, that is a normal emotion. I used to hate my ex husband now I just feel sorry for him, once the anger is gone is when it's really over.

1bird2 · #6 05-19-2012, 07:42 PM

Welcome Diana! Boy, you have got quite a load here....BLESS YOUR HEART! and what an amazing GRANDMA you ARE!!! I don't see an "easy button" on this one....I think I'd probably need counseling ....? I do think the family meeting is a good idea. I am really big on forgiveness....but sometimes at a distance. Unresolved anger will only hurt you. So, even if you are not going to engage in family repair...I still think it would be to your benefit, as well as the children's to work through forgiveness. I am praying that your daughter has been involved in whatever program/treatment the facility provided....(I am praying that they PROVIDED ONE!) I think in my lifetime, I've read hundreds of books on forgiveness! I also have several people that I have forgiven...but they are not in my life at this time...and probably never will be.
In my idea of a perfect world....your family would be reconciled....but it is not a perfect world.....and time will tell.
I hope the children will be able to work through forgiving their mother....and I hope that she will rise to the challenge of becoming the person she was created to be.
I promise to keep you in my prayers....all of you!
Please stay with us....and let us know how things go. You have a rough road ahead, lots of uncomfortable emotions....we will be here for you always!
Love and prayers,
XXOO

wickit · #7 05-19-2012, 10:16 PM

WELCOME TO PTO!
Be sure and check our other forums for more information and support!

Abeca · #8 05-20-2012, 04:58 PM

Thanks for writing, Diana. Yes, many of us parents are angry with our children. We understand. My son does not have a drug addiction, but one of another sort and didn't seem to mind ruining many things to pursue that behavior. I am sorry for what you have been through. If you haven't been to a therapist, it might be worth it to work out how you want to approach this, and since you recognize this is so upsetting to you. I suggest you don't write, but gather funny stories, comics and mail them with a very short note or even just "from mom." She'll appreciate it. Best of luck and write again.

Grannydi · #9 05-21-2012, 09:59 AM

Wow! Thank you...all of you...for all the support. I am overwhelmed. And still trying to process it all.

I failed to mention before that we are in counseling, however it's family counseling and mostly for our 13 year old granddaughter. The ugly part of the story that I rarely talk about is that our granddaughter was abandoned by her mom (my daughter) at the age of 22 months, and was pretty severely abused prior to the abandonment. I don't believe (or I guess I don't want to believe) that my own daughter actually abused her child, but at the very least she allowed the abuse to occur and therefore is accountable to some degree in spite of her drug addiction. The counselor says "No way, no contact!" at least for our granddaughter. Which is understandable. Granddaughter still has a whole lot of issues due to the abuse, and she was also prenatally exposed to meth, which causes some issues as well.

The rest of the family also says "No way, no contact." Obviously, we've all been down this road a time or three before. And her dad and siblings don't believe she will change. Ever. But there's no one so forgiving as a mom, as you all know. Which leaves me with all these conflicted feelings to deal with. Because I realize that my daughter does need support and is reaching out to us for the first time since 2009. It feels to me like if I don't take this opportunity for contact with her, I may never get another. And how would I live with that? At the same time, I'm terrified to be hurt again. It's taken me 15 years to get to the point that I'm mostly okay with no contact with her. I don't think about it constantly. I don't drive the streets looking for her. It didn't really consume me until she started writing the letters again.

I think, for now, I am going to take your good advice and just send some general information on halfway houses that she asked for, some funnies from the internet, a quick note saying I hope you're well and let it go until I figure out my next step.

Thanks again, and I sure appreciate all (and any more you have) input!

Diana

slcjd92 · #10 05-21-2012, 11:57 AM

My son is serving a 7 year sentence for manufacture of meth and I know that meth is more highly addictive than any other drug out there. I also know that it takes at least a year to get it out of their systems. I know my son has changed and that he has serious regrets for the things he has done over the last several years and wishes he had listened to his Dad and I. He has a beautiful wife and daughter who are waiting on him to come home and his daughter was only 3 months when he went in. We go and see him every 3 months and this is the highpoint of his life right now. He does not want us to come any more often because he said it hurts too much to watch us walk away at the end of the visit. I don't know that your daughter has really changed this time around or if she is simply suffering remorse in light of her current situation. I do know that her kids should have a chance to know her if that is what they want and the only way you will know whether she has changed is to give her a chance as well. I have told my son how much this has hurt his Dad and I as well as the rest of the family as I felt like he needed to hear it from me instead of the usual keep my mouth shut. Maybe you would find it good to write her a letter expressing those feelings and explaining your concerns about letting her back into her kids lives at this time so she can really do some soul searching while she is doing her time and decide whether she is really up to the challenge of being a positive influence in their lives and staying on the straight and narrow. I do know that it is hard and that once they destroy our trust, they have work very hard to rebuild it but if they can do it, it is definitely worthwhile. It is up to you.

tglsmom · #11 05-21-2012, 09:27 PM

Welcome to PWCIP, Grannydi. My son is also a meth addict and is spending 11.5 years in prison so I can relate to what you've been through with your daughter. We also have a grandson by him, but our situation is different than yours. His mother is raising him, along with her husband and their daughter. He fortunately has a very good life and we have been a part of it since he was born. Sadly, the same is not true for our son, but he is now making contact and we hope that it will make a difference in our grandson's life at some point.

Everyone has given you great advice. The only thing I would add is that, if you decide to give your daughter another chance, make sure you set boundaries with her. She need to know the rules, what you expect from her and what the consequences will be if she doesn't follow through. If she is serious about making the necessary changes, I think she will do very well. You and your grandkids certainly deserve that.

I'm glad you're here. I hope you keep coming back because there are many wise and very supportive people on this forum. Again, welcome!