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deb · #1 09-04-2004, 08:40 AM

What can we do to help keep the parent/child bond strong? I'm thinking that if we all post ideas it may help some of us by giving us other ideas....

I'll start. Our youngest just turned 10. Since Bill's been in he calls every night and Zach gets a few minutes of every call to talk to him. They write to each other every couple of weeks. We visit and Zach goes with to 99% of the visits. At the visits they take some time out to play a game or draw together. I send in copies of each report card, class schedule, hockey schedule and Bill keeps track of the games that way, copies of all pictures I take (I get duplicates each time), and I send in all of Zach's school work after Zach and I've reviewed it etc...... Bill will tell him on the phone about a certain sports game or movie he's watching or going to watch and then they'll each watch it and talk/write about it... They discuss Zach's school work and projects during visits or on the phone...

What other ideas have each of you come up with?

Deb

Retired-10 · #2 09-04-2004, 10:13 AM

Deb! You go above and beyond the call of duty! You are an amazing mother sending in all of that. Bill must feel so unbelievably connected to his son with all the work you do. Daily he seems to know whats up in his sons life, even though he's not present.

Sadly, he's taking a bigger part in his sons life than parents that aren't even locked up.

2nice · #3 09-04-2004, 10:22 AM

I'm glad you started this thread because i always wanted to know what to do. I do all that i can do... i.e., school reports and news letters, photos of the kids weekly, the kids write weekly, etc... But my question is this... how do youhelp to keep a bond between a parent incarcerated and a teenage child? My fiance has a 17 yr old son and an 18 yr old son, but he doesnt have any kind of bond with them. He is hurting because of it. He wants the bond but doesnt know how to get earn it.

Is it too late? He writes his daughter often but she doesnt reply. He now just wants to give up. I keep telling him to persist. Has anyone got any ideas on what he can do?

Retired-10 · #4 09-04-2004, 10:33 AM

He has to persist. It seems like his kids are at that age where parents are the root of all that is evil. I *HATED* my mom when I was a teenager...but now she's my best friend. It just takes a lot of time and a lot of growing up. My dad traveled for a living and he wrote me a few times a week when I was a kid. He's since died and you better believe I have every letter he ever wrote me...even though I never sent one to him.

Ronnie · #5 09-04-2004, 10:48 AM

Our daughters are 13 & 15 years old and they have a great bond and relationship with their dad. He has been inside for most of their lives so this is really they only life they even remember with him. They talk at least twice a week and he writes them a few times a month. We only get to visit though during our trailers because of the distance that we have to travel to get to him. I take them with me every other trailer so that we can have our "family time" during some of the trailers and he and I get to have our "private time" during the others and it has worked well this way for us for all of these years.

Now though as they get older they have so many other interests so they have less of a desire to want to go spend time with Dad. He feels kind of sad and happy at the same time because he realizes that his babies are becoming young women. We are hopeful that he gets paroled before our oldest graduates high school.

We all just do what we can to help make our family as normal as possible despite the circumstances.

jftazzy102 · #6 09-04-2004, 11:40 AM

Wow Deb this is just the post we need on this forum. You know this is my first time posting in here, because my son is my husbands "stepson" I am so glad he (my husband) can't read this (about "stepson) because he will be the first one to say. He is that boys father. My ex only sees him, but doesn't participate in anything when it comes to school, outside interest etc..... When Tim our son (14 yrsold) registered for 8th grade. we sent him a copy of his schedule. I keep him updated on how are son is doing in school etc.... Tim writes when I encourage him to because being a teenager he is too "busy" and I have to gently remind him that it is very important to write dad, because dad is so far away we can't visit (we are in florida he is in texas). Herb is in the early stages of parole and Tim is going to write a letter for his dad to the parole board. Didn't think about the school work until this was mentioned. He will be sent a copy of interim reports and report cards. We update pictures for him. and I also get double prints on pictures to be able to send them to him. I keep him updated on how tim has grown since june 04. he was 5'6 went his dad went in and now he is 6' size 13 shoes and wearing his dad's jeans to school. Thanks Deb for starting this for us. Love Jeanne

rywill · #7 09-09-2004, 10:06 AM

mlg78, I agree with the persist. I am on the outside all together. We plan to make a "yours, mine and ours" family one day. My honey has children from previous relationships (where 2 mothers are involved). He is closer to one child than the others. He writes, but gets so discouraged by the lack of correspondance from them. They are 10, 11, and 12. I try to encourage him to keep giving, after all (that's part of being a parent). And they really are good kids. But he gets so hurt by it. He has not seen his children in more than 3 years now. Their aunt use to take them to visit, but she has a family of her own to take care of.

Does anyone have any suggestions to help him get through it and ways to encourage his children to know that he still loves them?

MsAloha1018 · #8 10-06-2004, 02:16 AM

Deb, I think that you're doing all the right things to help facilitate keeping your son and his father's relationship going strong. It's WONDERFUL that both of them are open to it and are very close. This is going to come in good stead, especially when your son enters the throes of adolescence when teenagers think that their parents don't know squat (which I think is the natural course of action in any regular teen.)

My guy was incarcerated when the kids were in the 1st and 2nd grades. He got copies of their report cards, school pictures, any art that would get through the DOC... He made it a point to talk to the kids whenever he called home. When he was on island I would bring them with me at every other visit. When my daughter had issues with me, she would talk to him and he would be able to calm her down.

Now my children are 12 and 13 and we still keep communication open between the kids and my loved one. However, now they're getting into their own thing, so he keeps available whenever they're ready to talk. Otherwise, he doesn't push. And I leave it all up to them.

Jillian · #9 10-17-2004, 08:21 PM

My husband constantly writes letters to our daughter who is 16mths old. When she was born he wrote her a letter by the time i brought her home .. it was 2 pages long and it said htat he was sorry for not being here for the birth or the pregnacy.. He said that he love her and that it is not her nor mine fault that he is locked up.. Its just that daddy made a mistake and he has to pay for it. and when she goes thru things i write him updates like its from her.... and he loves that..

1dayatatime · #10 10-17-2004, 08:45 PM

I take tons of pictures and our son "writes" letters, draws and sometimes he tells me what to write and I write it for him. Whenever his dad calls they always talk. Our son has gone to 2 of the 2 visits we have had. He was 2 when we divorced and 3 1/2 when his dad went away.

One

suzeg3 · #11 10-18-2004, 07:55 AM

Any thoughts for a 20 month old? Levi's dad hass been in since he was 6 weeks old and won't be out until he is 4 1/2. I bring him on visits, but my husband was just moved and the visits will now be infrequent. His dad does talk to him on the phone and I show him photos of "Dada". I also send my husband photos and drawings that Levi does. I know my husband loves him and feels as close to him as he can considering the circumstances. But I really feel that to my son, his dad is just another person he sees now and then. Ideas?
Sue

dlyles · #12 10-19-2004, 10:12 AM

Did you think about having your husband draw pictures to kind of bring the level of convo to a toddler level? You know kiddie pictures or maybe have somebody in there draw some. My wife sometimes sends homemade cards with cartoon characters she knows the kids like. They feel a little more connected by her identifying with their life.

One thing my wife also does is sends the kids "coupons". One will say "One solo phone conversation with mommy" or "One get out of trouble free card" or other things like that, which I have to honor if he uses them. That way the kids feel like mommy (in most of your cases daddy) is still around and actually involved in decisions and more importantly treats.

GREAT THREAD DEB.

Quote:

Originally Posted by suzeg3

Any thoughts for a 20 month old? Levi's dad hass been in since he was 6 weeks old and won't be out until he is 4 1/2. I bring him on visits, but my husband was just moved and the visits will now be infrequent. His dad does talk to him on the phone and I show him photos of "Dada". I also send my husband photos and drawings that Levi does. I know my husband loves him and feels as close to him as he can considering the circumstances. But I really feel that to my son, his dad is just another person he sees now and then. Ideas?
Sue

LOVE-AJ · #13 11-16-2004, 11:35 AM

My 4 year old thinks dad is in school. I'm not sure if he really comprehends, and don't really want him to tell others at his preschool. Anyone else feel that way?

I do keep my husband up to date on what's going on. I take our son to all the visits I have, tell him all the cute things he did/say, how his day went at pre-school, mail the drawings he does, and let him know how his progress is on his learning. I even tell him about the times he misbehaves just like if he was home. I talk to our son about the things his dad used to do when he was home, and all the things that he has planned for the father and son outings (like flying airplanes, working on cars, going to see monster trucks, fishing, etc.) I have pictures all over the house and our son looks at them all the time and say I miss daddy! Breaks my heart. He gets to talk to his dad on the phone, and we're very close to my in-laws so we talk about his dad openly over there. Also when we go visit, I let them have "private time" together. maybe they leave to the kids section and play, talk, or color, or I'll leave them alone at the table and go outside for a while so they can bond a little more. I figure even if he's locked up, they should still have memories of their own, and fun times together. Plus I think as they interact more just the 2 of them it will help with the transition when Dad comes home.

Another hard thing to do is to let my hubby disipline him when needed. That way our son won't start to think...only mommy can say that, or I don't have to listen to you. So if he acts up, Daddy sometimes says you have to sit in timeout for a few minutes and I stick by his side and say...you have to listen to daddy, do as he says.

My husband will also send pictures that he draws to our son, and be silly during the visits. Make funny faces, play games, and talk funny just to make everyone laugh.

kee · #14 10-14-2005, 09:18 PM

My husband has reciently (11 days ago) started a 23month -38month sentance. We have a 4 year old also. we have also told our daughter that her dad had to go away to "learn some things".right now he is still in the county jail waiting for a bed, and it makes it especially hard, because the only way to visit him is through glass with a straight phone receiver. She misses her dad so much, and like you it breaks my heart to hear her crying for him. I don't know how to respond when she asks where he is. I have been very hesitant about taking her into see him now in the situation he is in now, because I think with all of the changes already in place, it will be too much for her to be able to see him and hear him, but not touch him. My mother in law is of the opinion that I should take her there, so I talked to my daughter's preschool teacher(an old friend of my mother's), and she made the excelent point that children that young will repeate it, and you never want anyone to sat, "oh that is bad" or " your dad is bad". That was never something that I thought about. My grandfather's neighbor is a child psycologist, and his advice was not to take her into that situation, but at some point that she should know where he is. We were thinking that when she is a little bit older and able to understand more, that we could certainly turn this horrible situation itno a good life lesson for her. Not a lesson as in " you should be scared to live your life the way you want it and always keep on the straight and narrow" but just that you need to be careful and be sure you view the conciquences of your choices before you make them. But what do you tell them in these first months. What do you say when they wake you up in the morning and ask if their daddy is going to pick them up from school, or when is he comming home. She asked me the other day if daddy would be home in july(both of their birthdays are in july) How do I tell her that he's not giong to be home for two birthdays. I know that two years is not a long time compared to many of your lives, and I find so much admiration looking through all of these posts. I can't imagine what strong people there are in the world. I only hope to be able to maintain half as well in these few years as many of you have in much longer of a time. Three cheers to all of you. If anyone has any advice on how to get through this first little bit, it would mean alot to us.

brooks · #15 04-29-2006, 08:49 AM

Keep the contact going. Our son is 4 1/2. Daddy has been in since before he was born.They have a very close bond.We visit every other week now. for the first year it was only 1 x month due to distance.Calls 1-2times a week. I sent LOTS of photos when he was little. Now it is drawings and writing his name.Jr has always gone on every visit with me. I don't have other options,and he wouldn't forgive me if I did(now).

mrzshabazz · #16 04-29-2006, 10:29 PM

I would not let my husband tell my son that he is in prison. He's 5 years old and there are no shades of 'gray' for him. For instance, my dad was playing with him and took his toy away and acted like he was going to throw it in the garbage and he screams out: "I'm calling the police and they are going to take you to jail cause you're stealing!". And right then, I was like uhn-un, no way am I telling him that that is exactly where daddy is. I lie and make my husband tell him that he is at work. But when my husband sends letters for me, he ALWAYS sends one to my son. He used to be able to send all kinds of crafts other inmates made, however, there is none of that at the facility he is in now. But I'm trying to become a regular visitor despite the costs involved in flying, etc. It's more important to me that my son never forgets and always know that his daddy LOVES HIM TO DEATH and that is the truth. My husband won't be out until my baby is 12 years old. So its real important for them to bond now. I lived in a different city than my father, but because my mom constantly talked to me about him (in good terms even though she had plenty reason to hate him), let me visit, and let me talk to him on the phone...I loved my dad and always knew who he was (he was not in prison, just lived in our hometown).

One day, when those shades of black and white in his brain are capable of creating gray--I will let my husband (i'm chicken) tell him the truth cause if we don't, one of our ig'nant behind family members might.

capricorn29 · #17 11-30-2004, 12:05 AM

Hi I'm new to this and I have a huge concern for my 9 year old son. he used to write to his dad on a regular basis and now he doesn't want to. After asking him a million times he finally told me he's mad at him and doesn't wanna know anything about him. I asked him why and he said because if it weren't for him we wouldn't be struggling or going through pain. That is where I realized that my son see's what I go through because I have 3 kids in total. the youngest is 15 months and she's only seen her father a few times. I was 3 months pregnant when he got arrested. he's going on 2 years being locked up. so my son has seen me catch nervous break downs and crying and struggling to make ends meet. Not to mention the arguing that he has heard on the phone calls, the horrible letters that I've gotten or the visits. He doesnt want to write to him anymore. His dad thinks I am keeping his kids from me and threatens me. Or that his son's are preoccupied with a new dad. How can I do that to my kids you know give him a new dad? I love that man but I see my kids in pain and I wanna help them and don't know how. I talk to him alot and tell him that's his dad that he should forgive him and speak to him about it. I was thinking of getting counseling for us. I really feel like I'm losing my mind. I've been with this guy for almost 12 years. (we make 12 next month) and I have never been apart from him like this. I think about him all day. I feel soooo stressed out. I feel like doing all this by myself is tooo much for me.

brooklynkitty82 · #18 10-13-2005, 10:54 AM

hey i understand what u r going through my son was 8 months old and when they move him i dont have a car a very little money we keep in contact by letters and phone call once in a blue im concerned about my son not going up without a dad my son is 2 now he is doing fine but he has four years to go

mdmaster73 · #19 03-03-2011, 08:01 PM

I am a thirty seven year old mother. I have a twelve year old son, and a three year old daughter. My husband has just been given 25 years minimum. Hes been in a couple months. He is fifty three years old. I think counciling is a wonderful start. Honesty is the best policy your son is also struggling with all the drama. If u show your love and patience he will get thru it. He will want you happy. Everything will come together in time, His anger will settle as emotions settle. I wish you the best.

CandySunrise · #20 01-17-2005, 07:50 AM

I was going to start a new thread about this but then I found this sticky. We started something a couple of weeks ago and the kids really like it. I sometimes stick notes in my daughter's library book, in my son's shoes, lunchbox, etc. to let them know I love them, I'm proud of them, etc. So I talked to their dad. He has written notes on notecard size pieces of paper and sent them to me. So now they sometimes get a note from Dad instead of me. I know the kids really like them because when they get a note from me they thank me and then it is quickly discarded. But their Dad's notes, I keep finding in places where they can pick them up and read them again. My little one keeps on asking me to read his notes from Dad again.

Candy

ChillsBaby · #21 02-18-2006, 09:06 PM

man, i read everyone's responses to this topic and couldn't stop crying. my fiancee got locked up for an old case when i was 4 months pregnant and i just had our son a month ago-i don't know how i'm going to do this on my own and i just feel so guilty that my son might not have his dad physically in his life. [He is awaiting trial for a sexual assault of a child case his ex girlfriend put on him 2 years ago(she was under 18)]He's gotten to see him one time through glass and through pictures only and it's already killing both of us, i want to be as prepared as i can, any tips for eventually "introducing" or explaining the situation to my son if need be?

NENAZ · #22 02-19-2006, 12:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChillsBaby

man, i read everyone's responses to this topic and couldn't stop crying. my fiancee got locked up for an old case when i was 4 months pregnant and i just had our son a month ago-i don't know how i'm going to do this on my own and i just feel so guilty that my son might not have his dad physically in his life. [He is awaiting trial for a sexual assault of a child case his ex girlfriend put on him 2 years ago(she was under 18)]He's gotten to see him one time through glass and through pictures only and it's already killing both of us, i want to be as prepared as i can, any tips for eventually "introducing" or explaining the situation to my son if need be?

WOW this sounds like my story all over again when my husband (boyfriend at the time) got busted for carjacking I was 4 months pregnant, when he saw our son for the first time he was couple of days old that was really hard to do. Then he went to Prison by the time we were able to visit our son was 6 months old, we would visit every month as our son got older and I would tell him we're going to see daddy he would get all excited but when it was time to leave it became harder and harder to do because our son was attached to daddy and he would cry, by the time our son was 5 we explained to him that daddy had to be there because daddy did something wrong, this turned into a story at the end of every visit when he reached 6 yrs old he understood that his daddy was in prison. By then we we're able to get family visits and they spent more time together. Now our son is going to be 10 yrs old this year and he is very close to his dad. Don't worry yourself just have your husband and your lil man spend as much time as possible together I wish you and your family the very best.
NENAZ

alexiscjohn · #23 06-01-2006, 05:45 PM

Wow I am new to this and was reading your thoughts on how to keep everyone connected with my husband in prison. I have done the letters, pictures, calls and we are going on our 1st and probably last visit to see my husband this month (he is 12 hours away Me in Kansas Him In Colorado). But the little notes from dad WOW I will do this for sure. You are right I leave notes for my kids but to get one from there dad Super cool. Thanks for the great ideas.

stevenswife · #24 06-20-2006, 05:36 PM

my daughters think daddy is in the bad boy house, so everywhere we go they tell everyone they meet, hey my daddy is in the bad boy house lol, mordified yes... but when they go see daddy they get so mad and its so boring in there for them they are 22 months and 4 years they dont understand why daddy cant come home with us.

KrazyK8 · #25 08-20-2006, 02:44 PM

Unfortunatley where my husband is there is no open visiting allowed so I am always worried about my son and his father having a close bond but I have found that as long as they talk on the phone, and share letters and pictures they are alright, plus I always speak to my son about his father in a positive way.