Post-visit not-really blues but kinda aquas or teals maybe

[Lysbeth]

So now I wanna go back every single weekend and I can't!!! I am finally coming down a little (only a little) off the cloud I've been floating on all week I guess.

I was kind of okay 'cos I thought I would probably be going back on 3/15, but then I got to thinking that I probably can't see him that weekend - I'm almost sure my mom is coming down (the 15th's my b'day) even though she is driving me up a wall by not giving me an answer about it yes or no. Well, he's tied up the next two weekends after this one, so those were out of the question.

Which means I can't see him again until, probably, the 23rd or 30th of March! That's a month or more! If I miss him this much and want to go back so bad NOW when it hasn't even been a week, how insane am I gonna be by then???!!!

Y'all wouldn't believe how much agonizing I've done the last two days trying to make myself behave and be reasonable and responsible and NOT show up there this Sunday. It was do-able, but it wouldn't have been very smart. The weather's crappy again so driving is an option but probably not a very good idea. Northwest Airlines (Memphis is a hub) did me wrong this week and had NO cheapie weekend fares to anywhere at all, much less to either of the two airports where I needed to go, and that was depressing. Regular airfare was out of the question unless I suddenly win the lottery today (right). I have worn OUT the travel sites trying to find any way within reason to get back down there this weekend.

And the most agonizing thing of all was that there was this one last-minute air/hotel package available. It was really a little more than I should be spending (probably worth two or three future visits $-wise) and I would have had to stay overnight a day more than I really needed to. But you guys should have seen me the last two evenings... I bet I have looked at that package on the Web a hundred times. It's been all I could do NOT to hit the "enter" key and buy the ticket. I forced myself to behave, I resisted temptation, it's too late now anyway and isn't an option anymore thank God or I would probably spend the rest of tonight too agonizing over it. And, there's other stuff I need to do this weekend - like go see my dad who's terminally ill, I haven't been in a while - and the weather's so yucky and rainy here this weekend. I know I've done the right thing. <shrug>

But resisting temptation like that was HARD!!! How in the crap I'm going to get thru the next four or five weeks like this I don't know. I KNEW this was going to happen, once I'd been down there I'd be wanting to go back constantly! If he was just a LITTLE closer I'd probably be driving there every single weekend. Sigh, sigh, sigh. I hope this waiting thing does get better, it does, right? I've learned an awful lot of patience in these three years with Brian, but I am by nature impatient since the day I was born... this waiting to go back is awful!!! Good because of what it means, but awful because of the wait itself!!!

So now after trying EVERY way I could the last 48 hours to find a way to go back this weekend that would have been reasonable and rational, I've surrendered to the fact I can't and have given up but that doesn't mean I have to be happy about it! I have been shooting the phone dirty looks ever since I got home from work today and practically begging it to ring so I can have my Friday night date and the later it gets without ringing the more I am wishing I'd just said to heck with it all and gone. I know I did the right thing not going this weekend, but JEEEEEEEEEZ is it hard!!!

All I know is I better get a long letter tomorrow and a phone call this weekend or you guys may have to put me in a straitjacket... I'm going to have to start my own personal little twelve-step group, Brian Anonymous. "Hi, I'm Lysbeth and I am totally addicted to 2.5 hour visits, 15 minute phone calls and snailmail!" (Oh, and PTO too!)

Well, really though it sounds like I'm griping I'm still happy as a clam, but waiting between visits and phone calls and letters was a WHOLE lot more bearable before I got a taste of him in person again!! I didn't count on it being this much harder and now I feel (and sound!) like a crazy person. It will get better, it will get better... right? Jeez I hope so.

Well just had to vent a little.... guess I will have to live vicariously thru the rest of your visits for a little while. Sigh. Happy sigh, but sigh all the same...

[krisintx]

Lysbeth,
I know what you mean about visits putting you in the mood of teals. Fortunately i am pretty close to my husband (2 hours) so I go every weekend. I hope all goes well for you and your next visit comes fast.

Kristen

[TxRenee]

lol Lys....I sure understand how you feel! Tony right now is within driving distance but I can only see him on Thursday and Friday from 5pm to 9pm. That doesn't give me enough time to drive home and to work. I keep thinking about leaving a hour early and I KNOW I will not want to. I'm going Next Thursday to see him! Then in 2 weeks again.
Love and distance is SO HARD! Hang in there

[Lysbeth]

Two hours would be heaven, Kristen... I WOULD be there every weekend if he was that close!!!

But gosh, Renee, even 5 to 9, that four hours and getting TWO visiting days sounds like heaven too. That's another thing that irks me about this particular prison... the visit schedule is for three hours, but you really only get about two and a half, and more likely less unless you get there really early to wait. Brian says they used to be longer visit times but I guess due to all the overcrowding they cut it back and made it in alphabetical shifts as they have. It really, really sucks. Now, if I could have gone to visit for two and a half hours both Saturday AND Sunday I probably could have justified going this weekend. But for two and a half hours and the extra money I would have had to pay that could be spent on two or three visits in the future... I just had to force myself to behave.

Brian wants me to come down in June with his mom, the dorm & program he's in has a family night every six months and he wants me to come then if I can. It'd be more time together plus less restrictive, and it'll be nice too because I'll be able to see on the regular visiting schedule day that weekend as well as that Friday night. But those only happen every six months.

In other news (I should have thought to mention this before) I heard some good news this week via his mom from the fellow that's working with us as a liason to the parole board... he is a former fellow inmate and friend of Brian's and that's what he does these days, works to help people who have been stuck in the system too long get out. He said, and I quote: "Everything is right for Brian to come home--his home and job plan are perfect."

I'm really afraid to hope TOO much but goodness knows I am hanging on to what little hope I can allow myself, we all, family and me, are. Fingers crossed... it's just driving me crazy waiting for them to get his hearing scheduled. His parole hearing was supposed to be in February, and right now the board has scheduled hearings up thru April 11th and his (nor his cellie's, who was supposed to go up in January) is yet to appear on the list.

Living on hope these days for sure... and that goodbye kiss last weekend.

[emme]

i'm sorry that you are having to deal with this...can you make a schedule and then just commit to it so that you don't even allow yourself temptation? (i know i couldn't do it but LOL it's a suggestion, right?)

you'll get a little more used to this, and that will make things a little easier.

all the best,
emme

[Lysbeth]

Well, Emme, I'm really trying... like I look at the schedule for the next few months and I go, "OK, I'll go THAT weekend, and THAT weekend, and THAT weekend" and it all seems peachy. The only problem is I know in between all those weekends there'll be plenty like this one when I'll be going, "Hmmm, I really don't have anything to do (or, I could do whatever NEXT weekend instead) and I COULD go this weekend..."

Setting a schedule is easy.... sticking to it and resisting temptation, that's another story!!! He's not helping either. The other day I said, "It's a good thing I don't live any closer, I'd be here every weekend and you'd get sick of me." He said, "No, I wouldn't, I'd love it." AHHHHH!! He wasn't supposed to say THAT!

But you're an inspiration Miss Emme... if you've gotten thru what you just have surely I can get thru a few crummy old weeks! I'll live it it but I don't have to like it!!! Thanks for saying it will get better, I think I will just repeat that to myself like a mantra...

[Ken]

Lysbeth,

I can only visit every three or four months because of distance and cost. Even then it is hard on my expenses... I am always paying off the last trip! I hear everything that you are saying and I too am too frequently on the travel sites with hope that one day a flight will pop up for 20 bucks! LOL

I will say this... After the first visit, it was so hard to deal with not being able to go back the next weekend or the next... It got easier. It is still hard, but it is easier than in the beginning. My next visit is April and then in July. I try to just keep myself off the thoughts of visiting... right now it is especially hard because there are no phone calls - almost 30 days now. He is in ad seg and only one 10 minute call every 30 days... that hopefully will come in the next few days but with my luck I will be out!

It does get easier... really it does. I know that everyone is sick of hearing that line...

[Phil in Paris]

Will a good tasty cake help you feel better ????

[lulu]

aw phil, how thoughtful of you. your so darn sweet.

I am sorry lysbeth. I surly hope that something workk out for you.

[emme]

i think that like everything concerning the doc...you get "used" to whatever curve ball is thrown your way, in order to survive. you're right lysbeth, you don't have to like it...but i've just learned that "new" situations bother me, and i have to give myself time to adjust to the newness. then it does feel at least a little better. but it still stinks.

(at least you have something to do next sunday night!!)

emme

[jdswifey02]

Lys... I too feel your pain... in my case JD is only given two 1-hr visits a month... so they limit me... I know if I were able to see him every weekend... I would be WAY tempted to!! Even though he is a 6-1/2 hr drive away.... and visits are hard on me with all that driving AND my finances!!
Glad the visit has you sitting on cloud 9 though!! You will get another one soon I am sure... look at it this way... if visits are fewer, they are each more precious! (I am a master at rationalization... telling myself some BS to make me feel better!!)

[cember]

awwww, lynn i feel your pain~ ! im afraid that i will be going through the exact same feelings when i finally get to go see mark..... ive been checking for openings my company might have in atlanta, thats only about 140 miles away. much better then the 1400 miles it is now for me in phx! think of it this way, at least you have the option of driving! hehe. i cant wait to hang with ya girl, so we can bitch about this stuff together ;-) hang in there!!! maybe all the overcrowding will end up being in brian's benefit, if he is released earlier due to it. then itll all be worth it, right? :-)

[Lysbeth]

Aw Teb & JDswifey... I keep telling myself that I am silly for feeling frustrated when there's folks like you that live far from your loved ones or have more limited visits. I should be more grateful at how fortunate I am, because technically I could drive there every weekend - I won't, but I could. I just really wanted to see one of those $50 airfares pop up this weekend!!

Phil, what a beautiful and yummy looking cake!! You are so sweet with the flowers and goodies. And thanks Lulu too.

Emme, you're right... I will have something to do every Sunday night for however many weeks now, LOL! That'll ease the pain of not being able to go the weekends I don't. You know what's terrible, there's a chance that I actually might be able to go see him next weekend - but I'd be home in time for the Six Feet Under premiere! (But I'd set the VCR anyway JUST IN CASE....)

Cember, I don't think the overcrowding is going to really help his case that much (but it might), but since we have a parole hearing coming up eventually, before the end of the year he may be home. Actually he'll be farther away from me than he is now when he goes home, but there'll definitely be lots of long weekends both here and there and eventually we'll probably be in the same place.

BTW the rest of y'all, Cember and I are making plans to go together in April since our fellas are in the same place, it'll be her first time visiting so I get to walk her thru all that getting-in rigamarole! And it'll be nice to have the company, there's not jack to do down there but I'm sure we'll have fun that weekend.

[MrsWest11]

I'm glad ya'll are both gonna go get to see them. I haven't seen Lil G since January 5th and its driving me crazy. He is 8 hours away from me so...that limits it...but I'm going ASAP!!!
Selena

[Lysbeth]

I'm going again this weekend... going to be a loooooong week until Saturday!

Hope you get to see Lil G soon, Selena!