I took off my wedding ring!

[montysgirl]

Last night I actually took off my wedding ring. I am so furious with my husband. Yesterday I found out that he kept something from me and flat out lied about something else. The even isn't anything big...he got 2 major cases in September...and I just now found out about it...not from him either! The cases don't bother me....it is the fact that he lied! Way back when we first started doing this time, he kept going crazy with fear that I was going to leave him. So, I made out a list of things that would make me leave. Plain and simple...do any of these things and I'm gone...these things I can't handle. One of those things is lying. He knows how I feel about it and did it anyway. Why? Would he really rather me leave him than to listen to me gripe at him for being an idiot and getting 2 major cases? Did he really think I wouldn't find out? It took 8 months, but I did find out! I am livid! I took my rings off because right now he does not deserve me...and if he can't keep his word and be honest with me...then what this ring symbolizes doesn't exist anyway. It is a small lie...but it is still a lie. Do I really know this man anymore? Only seeing each other once a month...and getting letters one or twice a week is tearing us apart. I requested for him to get moved closer to me...and I get a denial letter saying that the request can't be processed because he has has a "major disciplinary incident within the past year." So I made some phone calls and learned that my husband is a liar. It makes me wonder...what else has he lied about?! It really sucks to have your trust broken when you've worked so hard at learning how to do it in the first place. I suddenly remember why I've always been a cynic.

[PhillyGurLL]

Sorry you are going through this! I hope things get better.....I had a small fight with my husband a few weeks ago, but couldn't get my wedding ring off, my fingers are too swollen from being pregnant lol...but seriously...Hang in there!

[jftazzy102]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. I can understand the emotions that you are going through at this very moment.
But when you get calm, think about why maybe he didn't tell you. Maybe he was afraid you would leave if you knew about the cases. Men think really weird being locked up. And they see people's loved ones leaving them everyday.

Just because he didn't tell you doesn't mean he has lied about everything. My husband and I aren't even in the same state so I have seen him once in a year and I know how hard this is on you.

Just give him a chance to explain. I know you don't want to right now, but when get calm let him do it...

[Smokelady]

OK! I usually can come up with what I think is logical answer. First yes, a lie is a lie, but people lie for all sorts of reasons sometimes to protect the one that we love. I don't know if this is your case, but at least ask him why he lied and see what he says. Yes, marriage is built on trust, but you don't just throw it away, you have to talk these things out first. COMMUNICATION is so important. Now, I am not saying that you let him get away with it just think about what you want to do first. I have to ask "Do you always tell the truth to him about every, and I mean every thing no matter how little it is" I know that I have told a lie or two, especailly since he has been in prison and it is mostly about bills because I don't want him to feel bad about me being out here alone and taking care of our family by myself. So you see, I didn't lie to be decietful just to so that he will not worry especailly while he is in there. Maybe he did the same to you.
Hoped that helped.

[MsStacey]

i agree wholeheartedly with smokelady and i empathize with your dilemma. my fiance has caused *major* problems between us by either keeping certain things from me; especially in regard to his recent activity restriction and other disciplinary punishments. he has told me that he embellishes the truth or hides things from me sometimes because "he has abandonment issues and a constant fear that i will leave" due to the fact that i have become fed up with him getting into trouble, especially when he's so close to his parole hearing. i have told/warned him on countless occasions that *deceit* will influence me enough to leave, since without trust, there is no hope for us. i find that the more i scold him and the more i warn him about doing things to make me want to leave him, the less honest he *becomes*. (not insinuating that this is the reason your husband lied to you. just wanted to share my experience and to tell you that i have begun to back off, to encourage steve to be up front with me so that we can work through whatever issues arise, and to reassure him whenever possible that i'm with him for the long haul.)

communication is definitely key. i live 6 hours away from him and i am not able to see him often, due to a lack of money and two young children at home. so over time, i have recognized which battles are worth fighting and which are best handled with a simple 'tongue lashing' as he calls them. ;-)

honesty is one of those things i'm willing to go to war over, so i try to reiterate that one point, specifically, again and again, and let the less serious offenses slide. this has helped to keep him focused on the importance of honesty, above all else, and i consciously try to avoid scolding him for anything that isn't as devastating.

always try to give your man the opportunity to hear and respond to your feelings when he hurts you this much, before throwing in the towel. they live in a much different world than we currently do. (although this is not an excuse or justification for his dishonesty.)

[carmel]

I too agree with Smokelady. I know that there are things that my husband will not tell me because I worry like hell about him. He knows that even though I put on a strong front, little things tear me to pieces. I didn't tell him everything about bills and so forth, until I just got tired, went through a depressed mood and went off on everyone and then some, and he hadn't done anything to me. I have taken my rings off before because of things that I thought that really weren't. I put them back on because of growing up believing that marriage is until death. We go through everything thick/thin together. Let your husband know that even though he might think that it will upset you, tell you anyway. You will probably get upset when you first hear about whatever it is, but after you calm down and think things through, you will survive. Keep your head up.

[MiaBellaAngela]

Can you ask your hubby why he lied? Then decide what to do from there. His reaction will tell you alot. I hope it gets better for you.