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rcimly33 · #1 08-16-2005, 09:55 PM

I am having such a hard time doing this time and I think it is only going to get harder, I was wondering if anyone would give me some advice and encouragement on hanging in there and what they did and do to keep going through the dark times.
One of my biggest problems with him being gone is it seems to me like he is just a figment of my imagination and that as much as I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him I just dont feel as if it is ever going to happen and that crushes me.
We talk on the phone alot and write letters and I go see him every saturday for 2 hours but I need more, having him like this does not help me. All it does it remind me that he can`t be here and makes me want him more. I get mad alot especially when I get lonely because I know he should be here and if he was I wouldnt be hurting this way. Sure I could go out and find someone else but he could never be replaced.
It is him that I love, he`s the one I see when I close my eyes, he is the one who makes me feel like I am the most important person in the world, he is the one who tells me I am beautiful on a daily basis and I know he means it. He is the type of man I have searched for all my life, the kind of man you dream of as a little girl but as you grow up start to believe that you`ll never be lucky enough to meet. The man who will be everything you ever dreamed all wrapped up into one.
Well he is that dream but the problem is it still feels like a dream because even though I talk to him daily, see him once a week and get letters all the time the fact of it is, is he`s not here and I have no idea when he will be or if he ever will be and how I will be able to go on like this. He says we are in a relationship but what kind of relationship can you have with a man locked up? You cant go anywere, you cant make love to them or have their arms around you when your sad and lonely. You can`t cook dinner with them or for them,you cant go on vacation with them, you cant do anything with them and to me that isnt a relationship, thats a pen pal. It`s like having a long distance relationship but worse because at least with a long distance relationship you can spend time together and do all the things you miss out on, on a daily basis, and doing that puts the whole long distance relationship thing back into perspective and reminds you why you are in it to begin with, knowing that this is what you have to look forward to when they move closer to you or vice versa.
Being in prison is terrible because theres no light at the end of the tunnel, the system doesnt give you anything to hang on to like knowing one day you`ll be together.
All I know is what I go through on a daily basis and I am getting to my breaking point, I love my baby very much but everytime I get to missing him I get angry with him, he thinks what I am missing is the sexual part but honestly to me that is the farthest thing from my mind. How I know that is because I asked myself this, if I had only one wish it would be for him to be able put his arms around me, look me in the eyes and tell me he loves me, if I had a choice between getting him home tomorrow and never being able to make love to him again or waiting for 3 years and being able to make love to him all the time I would have him home tomorrow.
Is the love making all that? You bet it is but to me what he has to offer me is so much more than the physical, it the mental, the spirtual, and the unconditional love he gives me, the sex is a bonus.
I love him but do not know how much longer I can go on with out knowing what the future holds, especially if what the future holds for us is no future to be had.
Thanks for listening, I just have been needing to get this off my chest and he told me I shoud come back here before I gave up and maybe I could find the support and encouragement I need before I just let him go forever. I am open for any of those 2 things so feel free to please respond with any of your stories or cituations.

babygirl350 · #2 08-16-2005, 10:43 PM

Well I can identify some to what you are saying. It seems like it is a dream to me that he will make it home now while we go through the appeal process. It is very long, drawnout and there is not a whole lot we can do about it except to wait it out.

I did not know my husband before he was incarcerated and yet I know he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

We also visit each week now, but there was a time when we could only visit once a month. So, I just held on for that month to pass. We also get phone calls, at least 3-4 a week depending on my horrible work schedule. We also pass about 3-4 letters each week.

We just try to make the best of a bad situation. You are right when you say what your husband cannot do for you, however, I would suggest perhaps thinking about what he can do for you.

I agree sometimes you have to use creativity and ingenuity, but there are some things perhaps you can come up with.

If you are fortunate enough to have vending machines and a microwave that you both can use, have you tried cooking together? I mean getting creative with the food. Sure it isn't a restaurant, but the fact remains you are doing something together.

Do you try and set the (table) with napkins and silverware if those are allowed? Soda, Juice, or Coffee?

My husband pulls my chair out for me and when we sit outside, he always wipes the seat, so I don't get my clothes dirty.

If you smoke and are able to smoke there, does he light your cigarette for you? Mine does and I just love it.

We are fortunate where he is now there is a big yard that we are able to walk around and see the flowers that are planted there. It also offers more privacy for some intimate talk. As do the outside tables.

Sometimes we will take our food outside and eat it out there like a picnic.

I always bring as much news in with me that I can to share with him. This helps boost his morale. It makes me feel good that I can share it with him.

When I was involved in an auto accident and I had to buy a used car (my first used car ever), he was the one to help me. He got the major newspaper and went thru the ads and read the ones over the phone he felt was a good deal for me to check out.

As far as making love, no we can't obviously do that, but there are other ways to show affection. Of course it isn't the same thing and I don't mean to infer it is, but a really nice kiss and hug at the beginning and end of our visit sure feels good. We make the most of them, do you?

We are fortunate where he is now, we can hold hands the entire visit. We take advantage of this even when we are eating. Extra pressure applied to the hands at different moments during our visit means alot of things to us. Perhaps you may try it if it is allowed.

We also talk with our eyes. We have actually become quite good with doing this. You can actually get to where you know what the other one is saying. Try it, you may like it.

If your loved one is the one you truely want in your life, then get those creative thoughts flowing and see what all you can come up with it.

My incarcerated husband has shown me there is a whole new world just waiting for us when he is released, something that no man here on the outside has ever shown me before.

We are constantly discussing and making plans for the future, where we will live, what type of furniture we want, where we want to visit, vacation, etc.

The world is open to YOU now, so YOU can share it with him and make your plans and then live out your dream if that is what you choose to do.

Good luck to you and happiness always. Remember Hope is a good thing, it springs life eternal.

babygurl919 · #3 08-16-2005, 11:18 PM

Well, all I can say is that you just summed up EXACTLY how I felt the first few months after Chris first got locked up. And I mean EXACTLY. I got to my breaking point as well, and I ended up breaking it off with him after a few months of him being down. I never thought I would do that while he was in there, but I did. That was like 2 years ago I guess. I took some time to do my own thing, experience life without him, etc. And you know what? It's the best decision I've ever made in my life. Because it gave us both a lot of time to think and figure out what we wanted. And in the end, it made me 100% certain that he's the only one I want in my life. I got back with him about 3 months ago, and this time around, things have been absolutely amazing. And for some reason, the 4+ years he has left doesn't seem so long anymore. Everything just feels so DO-ABLE I guess you could say (is that a word? LOL). Of course it's still hard at times, but I feel like we both have a new willpower to make it work and to stand by each other this time around. And I actually do feel like we have a real relationship now, and if anything, it's STRONGER than it was before. I know it's different because he can't be here and we can't actually do things that "normal" couples do together like we used to, but there are also a lot of things we do now that "normal" couples don't do, especially the letters and complete and honest communication. I don't know, lately I've really been feeling like each day is getting a little easier, which is something I NEVER would have thought was possible back when this whole thing started some 2 and a half years ago. So, I just wanted to share my story because I felt a lot of the same things you're feeling now when I first went through this. It took me taking a "break" from everything to sort my head out and figure out what I wanted. Maybe that's an option you should explore because when you feel like you're at your breaking point, sometimes you have to just get away for a little while and figure things out. And I've said it before and I'll say it a million times again, that I truly believe that WHAT IS MEANT TO BE WILL ALWAYS FIND A WAY. Hope that helps a little. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.

Help-A-Con · #4 08-17-2005, 03:21 AM

My husband has 15 months left on a 20 year sentence. In November we will have been married for 5 years. So far it seems like time has passed so fast. But the closer it gets to his coming home, the slower time is getting.

I knew my husband before he went in. I've known him over 30 years, since we were kids. He's my life. He's everything to me. I see him every weekend, but I miss him like crazy during the week.

The best part of our marriage has been the communication. We have stronger communication than any of my freeworld friends have with their spouses. Through our letters we're able to more freely express our feelings, good and bad. We share everything. We talk about things that happened when we were 12, and about things that happen in our daily lives. And of course we plan for our future. I wouldn't trade the last 5 years for anything because we have formed a bond that will never be broken.

Hang in there. Three years will be over before you know it.

vanilla_flayme · #5 08-17-2005, 06:33 AM

Big hugs to you!

I got through some of the same things you do. I think in a way we all do. It is a VERY hard ride we are on. It will all work out. It always does.

Jamiesheart · #6 08-17-2005, 07:12 AM

I completely know what you guys are going through. Sometimes I really think Jamie is a figment of my imagination. Especially right now that I can't see or talk to him. We write all the time. That's the only way I know that he is really real. We just have to stay strong and keep telling ourselves that our guys will be home one day and all of this will be behind us.

marcsbaby · #7 08-17-2005, 07:16 AM

Yes honey....sometimes it feels that way. I have had a hard time dealing lately, and this very subject came up in a phone call with him just last night....I feel like our calls are getting shorter, our visits are getting shorter and our days and weeks are getting longer.....*sighs*...I am sure it will bounce back up soon enough, but there are definately times that you feel this way....it's normal
Good luck....I hope you feel better soon!

~Katie

WaitN4Him · #8 08-17-2005, 07:40 AM

WOW- You said what many of us feel but struggle to say. I have been to the breaking point myself and I became desparate to find ways to help me be strong. And then I figured out that me searching for ways to get through this, was what was making me so weak. Although I still have more bad days then good (I want him too much to say that everyday is a good day) I came to an understanding with myself. I accepted what I could not change, and I became grateful for all that I do have. I have real conversations about love, life, and the future with Matt. (I never had this before) There are many women who have their man by their side on a daily bases but they don't talk the way I have learned to talk with Matt, they don't look at their man the way I see Matt now, and most of all they take the unconditional love and feeling behind every look, every word, and most of all every touch for granted. Believe me when I say prison has taken it's toll on my life, his life, as well as our relationship; but Matt has become the person he needs to be and better. So I am more happy with him, then without him in my life. (this I know for a fact) I agree it is hard to be with somone who is not here. But they will always be in our minds and most of all in our hearts.

I'm not saying that I am okay with him being where he is. I will never be okay, but I take what life has dealt me, and carry on because tomorrow will be another day. With that said, one day the tomorrow will come when he is finally home.

You must continue what your doing. Visit, Phone Calls, and Writing! Communication is the key. There will be times when visits may seem short, phone calls may seem silent, and when writing comes to a near stop. But you must carry on because in the end your love will be worth every single second of this.

Like Charlottes web..... "Chin Up!"

joeswife · #9 08-17-2005, 07:42 AM

Trust me you are not alone on how you feel. Just remember the day he comes home will make it all worth while. We are here for you. Good Luck!

hamlet · #10 08-17-2005, 07:47 AM

It's very hard! I got married on July 9th of this year and to tell you the truth sometimes it doesn't even feel like I'm married. I would never say it to him because of hurting him. Whenever there are parties or family functions to go to, I go alone. I miss him all of the time. I know it will get better once we have family visits. Hang in there, love conquers all.....

24jf · #11 08-17-2005, 08:09 AM

You put into words the emotions I think we all struggle with. I've never spent a minute with Roy (outside or inside the prison walls)... all we have are letters and phone calls so yes it feels like this is all a dream. What keeps me going is knowing that one day we will be together. It could be as early as Jan/Feb of next year or it could be 2012, but they can't keep him forever. Another thing that gets me through this nightmare is all the wonderful people here at PTO that encourage me when I'm at my breaking point. Hang there girl, it won't be like this forever ((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))!!

babygurl919 · #12 08-17-2005, 12:15 PM

Well said, girlie!

Quote:

Originally Posted by WaitN4Him

WOW- You said what many of us feel but struggle to say. I have been to the breaking point myself and I became desparate to find ways to help me be strong. And then I figured out that me searching for ways to get through this, was what was making me so weak. Although I still have more bad days then good (I want him too much to say that everyday is a good day) I came to an understanding with myself. I accepted what I could not change, and I became grateful for all that I do have. I have real conversations about love, life, and the future with Matt. (I never had this before) There are many women who have their man by their side on a daily bases but they don't talk the way I have learned to talk with Matt, they don't look at their man the way I see Matt now, and most of all they take the unconditional love and feeling behind every look, every word, and most of all every touch for granted. Believe me when I say prison has taken it's toll on my life, his life, as well as our relationship; but Matt has become the person he needs to be and better. So I am more happy with him, then without him in my life. (this I know for a fact) I agree it is hard to be with somone who is not here. But they will always be in our minds and most of all in our hearts.

I'm not saying that I am okay with him being where he is. I will never be okay, but I take what life has dealt me, and carry on because tomorrow will be another day. With that said, one day the tomorrow will come when he is finally home.

You must continue what your doing. Visit, Phone Calls, and Writing! Communication is the key. There will be times when visits may seem short, phone calls may seem silent, and when writing comes to a near stop. But you must carry on because in the end your love will be worth every single second of this.

Like Charlottes web..... "Chin Up!"

jason'sgirl · #13 08-17-2005, 12:36 PM

I too understand what you are going through. Jason has only been gone for 4months and he was sentenced to 15 years. The first time he can request to come up for parole is 5years. Jason and I have a beautiful daughter together and it gets really hard sometimes. When I get upset sometimes I get mad at him. I sometimes ask myself "Why did he do this to us?" It hurts really bad that he isn't here. It hurts for all the reasons you mentioned. Because we can't do anything together, like go to the beach or go to the movies. We use to go to a movie once a week. We use to go out on the boat in the summer and spring time and go kneeboarding and different water sports. I couldn't even look at the boat this summer. It hurt to much. After he was gone about a week, I thought I was getting better, but for the past three weeks it has gotten harder. I cry sometimes so hard that I make myself sick. Sometimes I get so mad that I throw something across the room. I tried to to let Jason know how upset had had been lately, but I had to tell him. He said that I needed to turn to God and put all my worries on God and that I would be ok. Then he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. Then I get happy again. Then the next day I might be mad again. When I start feeling like I can't do it anymore I just pray and tell myself that I have to give it some time, that I can't give up so soon! I hope that you feel better and that you do what is best for you and your family!!! God bless you!

Texxie · #14 08-17-2005, 12:42 PM

Oh yeah... I think we definitely all have felt/are feeling the same. They told me time would go fast, but it sure hasn't been as far as I'm concerned!

And like Katie said, the only things that do seem to go fast are the phone calls. *sigh* Hang in there, you're definitely in good company.

jftazzy102 · #15 08-17-2005, 01:41 PM

Sweetie, first of all remember you are never alone again. WE are all here for you. We have all felt like this and we still feel like this at times.
My husband gets out of Texas March 4, 2006 and on Friday the 26th of this month we will find out if his two year sentence in Florida will run concurrent with what he has left with Texas and we are fighting to get credit for timed served which would give him 4 months left to go when he gets out in March.
I too sometimes think that this will never get over, that they will keep him forever and that the live we had we will never get back again.

but do you know what: THEY CAN'T KEEP HIM FOREVER. And when he gets home our lives are going to be better than it was before he went in. God has given us a chance to reach out to others in this time of need. He has Herb working with others inside so they know they aren't alone and honey that is what I am reaching out and telling you.

No matter how bad it gets, no matter how "lonely" you get, no matter how much you miss him, we are right here to hold your hand and guide you through till the next day.

God is not going to give you more than you can handle. Just turn it over to HIM and He will give you the strength, the courage and the faith to get through this.

If you ever need to talk I am just a PM away.....Hang in there and keep the faith...Hold that head up high and know that we love you....and are here for you.
Jeanne

KarrieMI · #16 08-18-2005, 02:44 AM

Well I do understand what your saying and how your feeling! Been to the breaking point and beyond myself! And back again! Well I've been doing this time with Chuy now for 2 and a half years and I get excited to think that wow we only have 7 more to go and that is his ERD! But I hang in there it's hard and everyday when I talk to him and hang up I want to cry! I miss him like crazy! But he traveled alot before he went in and sometimes I think that is the only thing that has made this any easier on me was the fact that I got use to not having him for 2 or 3 weeks at a time but when years come into play it's a whole nother story that forsure and my heart goes out to you but I can tell you this much when we do talk about 2 years ago almost 2 and a half years ago when he got locked up it seems like it was only yesterday I had made it remain that way so this and the love I have for him although we cant be together would never ever die! Hang in there I wish that there were some magic words that I could say and then you and all of us would be Ok but the Hard Truth is that it just take one day at a time! This what I tell him when he gets down so I'll tell you the same thing when I'm down about him or he is down I remind us that today is just but one day in this journey and it's one day closer to his Freedom and our life together! So nex time when your sad think about it and tell your self today is just one more day closer to him coming home and if you can make it through this day then you can get through the next and I promise that if you do that then time you go by a lot easier you have to remind yourself and give yourself something to look forward to and although your time is short than mine it doesnt make it anyless painful! Sometimes when I see the post and the ticker's and I think wow so and so's man is coming home soon or she only has a month to go I remind myself one day someday that is going to be me also! So do the same thing Honey and you'll be just fine Hang in there and never forget he needs you!

God Bless

KarrieMI