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TZT4$ure4Life · #1 09-02-2005, 01:01 PM

I have been trying for a few days now, to post this chapter in my life.
I picked my hubby up on Aug 20th after waiting for a long 2 yrs.
It was the most heart felt reuion, he cried like a baby and so did I.
It was amazing that he was even alive, just 10 days before he was to come home. He had a major heart attack and they had to rush him to the medical center and place 4 stents in his heart. So God above knows I was so glad to have him finally home.
We spent 12 wonderful hours together.. that was it..
12 hours after we were home he was MIA he called that Monday on the 22nd and asked if I would come and get him. When I asked where he was, he wouldnt tell me. Just gave me directions to come and get him. I love him so much, that I didnt ask questions I just went. I pulled up to what seemed like a nice house? In a very nice neighborhood.. I walked inside this house and thought that I would
throw up.. It was nasty and had a strange smell. When I asked where my hubby was I was directed down the stairs and to a room with a large TV in there all dark, and my hubby was lying on the couch and looked like hell. I am still wondering how someone looks like that, in a matter of a few hours or days. I asked if he was ok and he said yes,he pulled me to him and told me how sorry he was. I just cried and said its ok, I love you we will work through this. His beautiful gold chain that I had worked my butt off to be able to buy him for his homecoming was gone, the ring I had bought for anniveray was gone as well. I asked where it was and he told me he needed 100.00 to get it back.
I went to my car and got it and he called the guy to bring it back.
Once his jewerly had been returned we sat and talked and I had so many questions as to why?
Truthfully, he couldnt answer not one of them. We walked out to the main room of the house, and I lost it, there were so many people sitting there , just stoned , stuck is the word that he likes to use.
I lost it and began telling them all what I thought of them.
I spoke strong and firm and wanted to know , how they could live like that. I told my hubby, you think these are your friends? They are your friends as long as you got drugs, when there is no more drugs then they will be gone. It was sad .. each and everyone of them had a story.. I was sick and had to leave to go out side.. My hubby got in the car with me and we drove home. He tried to explain to me, I just cried. I could not understand how one day you are there and just the day before we were at the church where we were to renew our vows and have his fathers 91st birthday .. on Sept 10 this was to all have taken place...and to have him come out and do it. I was shocked.
He never asked me for anything while inside the prison walls, just to come and visit when I could, to take care of our son, our home, and to love him . Which I did and still contiune to do..
When we got back home he slept and I thought all would be ok. The next day was tough but we made it. We went and got his Drivers Lis.
so that he could go and look for a job. That afternoon when we returned home, (Weds) he asked could he use the car and go to the store. I told him hang on and I will go with you. He just smiled and told me to trust him, he was done.
Suddenly this sick feeling came over me, and I couldnt breath
and I knew it was going to be a long night. I called him on his cell and asked if he was ok about an hour after he had left he said yea he was just driving and thinking and was talking to some old friends that he had ran into. Still I was trying to tell myself everything was ok..
I put our son to bed and tried to lay down and sleep. My nerves were gone and I started throwing up again. By now he had been gone a long time. I called him and he didnt answer. After about 2 hours he did and when I asked where he was he said he was on his way home.
I asked him to please hurry that I was sick and needed him.. He said ok. Around 2 hours later he showed up. OH I was sick by now, very sick. He came into the bed room and brought me something for my tummy and I tried to sleep.
I remember falling into like a twight light sleep and could hear him in the living room.. I got up to go and check on him and he didnt even look up to see if it was me or what. There he sat in our living room with a needle stuck in his arm. I again got sick. and didnt say a word..
I fought back the tears and went in to lay down with our son.. I locked the doors behind me.. at around 5:30 am on Thursday morning I got up and there he was sitting in our kitchen with the needle in his arm again.. this time , I lost it!!!
I walked over to him, asked him what in the hell was he doing or thinking and took everything from him and told him to please go into our room and lay down so I could get our son up for school. He was stuck and couldnt move.. All he could say was " I need to come down, I did to much!!!" I freaked.. I could think of nothing but our son waking up and seeing his father this way, or him over dosing and me having to call 911 and the police coming and having my son taken away.. I tried to get him up and into the shower he couldnt move, and was so hot and clammy, was sweating and his eyes where beginning to roll back in his head...
I manged to get him to the living room and sat him in front of the A/C got a big bowl and filled it with ice and water and got a towel and bath cloth and turned down the A/C as low as I could..
I washed him and kept talking to him, it seemed like I was there with him trying to bring him down for hours but it was only about 45 mins..
I got him up and took him to our room and laid him on the bed and shut the door and got our son ready for school. I came back and he was trying to get up and did after about 2 hrs.. And started demanding to know where his dope was..
Down the drain is where I wanted to tell him, which is exactly where I put it. I played it off and told him I didnt know. He became angry and went and got himself a beer at 10 am in the morning...
I told him, that he needed to leave, he looked at me and told me to make him. I knew that legally I couldnt but I also knew he had no money and would be wanting that fix soon.
I walked into our room and began packing everything that I had just given him for his homecoming, new cloths, colonge, jewelry, nikes, lugz, any and everything. He sat and looked at me and said " Are you sure, this is how you want it.?" I wanted to scream and say No, its not how I want it, I want my Sweet Tat back.. but I knew he was no more. The Devil had got him, I just couldnt figure out why so fast?
The next 14 hours were hell.. He forced me to take money out of my account and put me in my car and drove me to yet another drug house, where he went in and bought drugs and got back in my car and told me to drive like there was nothing wrong and if the cops stopped me . I would go to jail cause it was my car and the drugs where in there too. I just sat there very numb and was praying that I I would wake up... I drove him to the very same house that I had pulled him out of on Monday.. He got out of my car and took his drugs and never looked back at me. Didnt say , I love you and I am sorry...nothing ... just wanted to know when I was bringing his car to him and the rest of his stuff.. I told him in about an hour.. I left feeling used and unloved and worthless and beating myself up for his actions.
If someone would have told me that he would have done me this way I would have told them , they were crazy.. he was the model inmate, never got into trouble and yes I knew that he had a drug problem but I swear I thought that it was addressed we even talked about him going to NA when he got home, I told him I would go with him...
Today, has been a week since I saw him.. I last saw him to take his meds for his heart.. alot of good they are doing!
I know this is long and I know that everyone is wondering, why I didnt see it before he was home. I can honestly tell you I didnt.
I have cried and I have got angry and I have went over everything in my mind a million times and there is not one thing that I saw.
The day that I saw him, I was all dressed up trying to make myself feel better...
He met me at the door of the drug house I left him and at, and he looked like death warmed over. His hair was all shabby and I can rememeber that he never let his hair go over 2 days without getting it cut. He had these dirty clothes on, even though he has all these .. new ones. He met me at the door and was straight or at least half way, Bent down and kissed me and took my hair in his hand the way he always did, and said" Look at my pretty baby" "You sure are pretty girl" " You know I love ya".. I smiled and tried to hold back the tears. and told him , I hope that he was ok and that if ever the day came he wanted to get help I would be there for him.. He just smiled and said I know.. Asked how our son was and that was it, I kissed him on the cheek and left..
It hurt and it hurt bad, but driving down the road, I pulled over and cried and prayed and reliazed that the man that I left in that house was not the man, that I was in love with and that I may never have him back..I have to go on and that none of this is my fault..
And I will not beat myself up for loving someone with all my heart and soul and loving them despite their past and flaws..
I will heal and everyday is better or so it seems.
I worry about our son, but for now he knows that Daddy is away and sick...
I havent heard from him in 2 days now, not since I turned off his cell phone, so he couldnt call his drug man. Of course, I heard hell about that but thats ok.. maybe when he hits the bottom he will call and want my help.. maybe the cops will come to my door and tell me that he is dead or has been arrested again...
As for us, I dont know if there will ever be an us again. I wont turn my back on him but I cant live like that either. Hopefully he will get help and find the sweet loving person that I know.
The other day, I recieved a call from one of the guys that was in the dope house the day I let them have it. And he told me that I really made an impact on him and that he left that day and hasnt been back that he started to go to meetings and that I saved his life?
Woke him up... I told him I was glad and that he was better than that place.. and that I would keep him in my prayers.. he said thank you.
And then he told me that Tat loved me, but he was sick and I told him, Yea I know that.. Just wish I would have gotten through to him too.. and I hung up..
The next night an old friend called and checked on me and she made a statement that has stuck with me ... she said
" If you are with an addict and and even though you arent an addict you will live like one"...
And I reliazed that she was right...
I love " MY SWEET TAT " and I miss him so much ... but I have to love me more right now..
I know this is long but it has helped me to write it... I only hope that someday before it is to late...
He learns to love himself...

Take care and Gods blessings ..................

Please look at my signutare........

PhillyGurLL · #2 09-02-2005, 01:14 PM

I'm sorry you are going through this

I have never been with an addict, but I have lived with one. My sister is an addict and has been for years! I understand how hard it is to deal with! I don't want to turn my back, because it is my sister! But you can't keep enabling them to do what they are doing. I don't know what advice I have for you....seems like you have your head right and are headed in the right direction.

JustLisa · #3 09-02-2005, 02:01 PM

I am soooo soooo sorry that you went through that and sooo sorry that he can't fight his addiction and realize what he has in you and your son. I HATE drugs and what they do to people. When my ex was out there getting high again I used to pray that he would just end up back in jail, then at least I knew he was safe and not getting high and I could have him back... I wish you luck and hope that things can get better for you!! HUGS!

blondeangel · #4 09-02-2005, 02:02 PM

I don't know anything about drugs as I have never been around them and hopefully never will. Reading this almost makes my cry. I feel for you. I cannot possibly fathom what you are going through. You seem to be strong in your own way. I know that this cannot be easy. God has given you the strength to make it through this even though it seems impossible. How else could you be holding your head above water right now? I found it very interesting that one of the men at that house called you to tell you that you made such an impact on his life. That there shows you that God sent YOU there for that man. Maybe it is not meant for you to save Tat even though I know you would like to. God has a plan for Tat, but most importantly, He has a plan for you. Maybe all of this was a wake up call for you to start living your life for YOU and your son, not Tat. God will deal with him in His own special timing. All that you can really do is pray for Tat. It seems as though he has no intention of changing on his own. As for you, keep talking and writing about it. I find that can be more therapeutic than anything. Stay strong and if you can't stay strong for yourself, do it for your son. You're all he's got.

melbo · #5 09-02-2005, 02:15 PM

I'm so sorry sweetie...I wish there was something I could do to make this all better. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

bobbysbaby · #6 09-02-2005, 02:29 PM

Girl, I am so afraid. That could be me in 10 months. Bobby's drug use put him where he is, he couldn't stop until he was in prison and now I am scared. I am printing your post and sending it to him. I can't do it again, so if there is a chance I'll have to leave now. My heart isn't strong enough.

key jo · #7 09-02-2005, 02:35 PM

((((HUGS)))) You are living the nightmare we all have that have loved ones with addictions. We are all here for you when you need us. Prayers to you and your son to make it through this time. Prayers that Tat sees the path he needs to take to be sober.

Sunnie · #8 09-02-2005, 02:53 PM

Tatsbaby,

I am sorry you are going through this with your husband. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do for him but take care of you, your son, and protect what is yours. Protect your assets and your bank accounts. enabling him and protecting him from the consequences of his behavior will not help it will actually just prolong him using.

You are right when you say he is not the man you loved. From that one hit he's no longer that man and might never be again. I know what you are going through. I wish I could tell you that after 3 years its been a happy ending but it hasn't been. I let go and moved on with my life. I had to!
As a recovering drug and alcoholic, I had to set boundaries and it's been the hardest thing I have EVER had to do to enforce them. He found another enabler, they always do, it's just one part of the disease.

Following your heart in a situation like this is not your best option especially not for him or for you and your son. (((((((((hug)))))))))) my heart breaks for you and thank you soooo much for sharing this. IF it's ok, I would like to move this post to the introduction part of this forum. IF you need anything at all I am just a pm away.

Sunnie
PTO moderator (drug and alcohol forum)

TZT4$ure4Life · #9 09-02-2005, 02:56 PM

Sunnie Thank you .. and everyone for the support..
I know what I have to do and will do it
as far as enabling him , I wont and neither will his family any longer
he is out there on his own..
and that sometimes breaks my heart..
but I know that we are only helping him feed his habit if we give in to him
so I refuse to let that happen....

love Tina

haswtch · #10 09-02-2005, 03:02 PM

so sorry you had to go through this, it's gotta be a heartbreaker...you handled it so amazingly well. I am sure life has great things in store for you and your son has a wonderful strong mom. drugs do horrible things to wonderful people.

Mrs. Vins · #11 09-02-2005, 07:02 PM

My heart goes out to you. My stomach turned as I read your story because like some others, this is a fear of mine. If you don't mind, I would also like to print this out and send it to my Vin. You and your son are in my prayers, stay strong, you're doing the right thing.

jblovesdb · #12 09-02-2005, 07:23 PM

Tats...I am SO sorry you are going threw this...but as you said...you had to do this for YOU!! You can NOT beat yourself up for this...b/c NONE of it is your fault!! Being an addict(heroin)...I know that there was NOTHING anyone could do to stop me...I had to want to stop myself!! I am hoping that your man will hit his bottom...and that his bottom isn't death!! My thoughts are with you girl!! As I was reading your post...I got tears in my eyes b/c I could feel your pain...and it brought back all the things that I have done to the people I love when I was using!! I am happy to hear that one of the guys in the dope-house has decided to change...I just hope he is strong enough to do so! I am SO sorry and I wish there was something I could say to take away your pain...but there isn't...

You do have the right attitude though...you NEED to stay strong for you and your SON!! I think you are doing the right thing...b/c you are not completely turning your back on him...but you are NOT helping him to keep getting his drugs. You are NOT enabling him...and that's tough love...but it is what a drug addict needs!! The longer they have people/possessions they can use to get high...the longer they will keep getting high!! I hope thing work out for him in the end and he opens up his eyes!! Keep strong sweetie!! Hugs

-Jackie

nimuay · #13 09-02-2005, 08:54 PM

Oh god, I hate addiction!. Girl, you did great. In a foul situation. Keep your strength up, and don't forget to breathe.

AmyLynn · #14 09-03-2005, 04:02 AM

My heart goes out to you and your son. My ex my kids father is an addict and I know what it is like to have to hide the money for bills and try to explain to your kids and family where he is. And then finally one day when you have had enough you walk and the walk that you take is one of the hardest walks you could ever take!! My ex is still an addict and my girls run into him only my oldest holds things against him but she did not for the longest time I was the one to blame for everything. ADDICTION is something that they have to bet for themselfs not because they are being told they have to, or because they are sent to prison. They have to be sick of living that kind of life, until then there is nothing that no one can do the help that person.
You have to take care of you and your son!! HUGS to the both of you.

RMD4EVER · #15 09-03-2005, 08:51 AM

tina You Know I Love You And Am There For You, Your Sharing Is Helping Alot Of Us Out Here Anyone Whose Dealing With An Addict Is Worried That We Will Have To Go Through The Same As You Did Its Scary But You Gave It Your All And Loved Unconditionally And Maybe Of Saved Someone From That Lifestyle Its All About Healing Within You Call Whenever You Need And Even Whenever You Dont Need To I Will Be There For You And Your Son Stay Strong And Focused I Know Its Been An Emotionally Roller Coaster And Pray Each Day It Brings You Finally To That Day Your Heart And Soul Is Healed Love You Girl!!!! GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND I AM PRAYING FOR TATS RECOVERY!!

Nika73 · #16 09-03-2005, 11:37 AM

Tina, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am just so sorry that you are going through this. It helps me to hear others stories about drugs. I threw my life away for drugs. I watched the love of my life throw his right away with mine. Let me know if I can help in any way.
Nika

Jeni · #17 09-03-2005, 01:21 PM

This is so heartwrenching!
I know all too well what you are going through, and all I can say is that you are SO right when you say that you have to love yourself more.
And it is true that even if you aren't an addict yourself, if you love someone who is, you live that life.
I appreciate how hard this must have been to write this all down.
Maybe some day I will get the courage to do the same-
Stay strong-

TZT4$ure4Life · #18 09-06-2005, 07:00 AM

I need to say Thank you to you all..
I know that I am a strong person, but sometimes the love for him gets in the way.. I heard from him this weekend and this morning as a matter of fact.. I can only pray that maybe just maybe he is ready to get some help..
Will I be there like I was, I cant tell you that. But I will not let him bring me to his level either. And I will not enable him with money or a place to stay either.
I have to tough love this and I have to love me more.. and you know what
I am learning how to do that...
Sure I got " I love you, I am sorry for what I have done, I am almost done, I will change, how is my son, do you still love me'? All the questions that an addict says when they are comin down,I dont see it lasting past the next shot of
dope.. That may sound cruel but its real..
I pray for him everyday more than once I can tell you that. And its hard to hear his voice .. But I wont allow him to bring me down. Hopefully someday he will find his way back to the person that I knew and loved. For now I am loving me, hurting, healing and being the best mom,friend, and person that I can be..
Thanks for the support I need all that I can get...

Love Tina

jftazzy102 · #19 09-06-2005, 07:07 AM

Tina, girl you know that I love you and that I am here if you ever need me...I am just a call away girl...

Love you
Jeanne

boxersgirl · #20 09-06-2005, 10:04 AM

Hey girl, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I feared that would happen when my husband came home too and it almost did. He slipped up a few times but I had to be strong and luckily I guess he was ready to change. I still worry every day that he is going to mess up but its been 8 months since he's been home and working. I dont know how to say this without it sounding stupid but dont take it personal cuz once they are on drugs they are not themselves. He probably loves you with all his heart but once the drugs are in his system all that is forgotten.

TZT4$ure4Life · #21 09-07-2005, 06:35 AM

Well its me again.. with yet another update..
I went to see him last night.. I honestly dont know why.. he was on his low and of course he was sorry once again for every bit of pain that he has caused me. He looked worst than the last time I saw him.. I only saw the
the Tat that I know for a few brief seconds..
At times he could be loving and sweet but in a flash he could get mean and angry.. I tried to talk to him but he wants nothing to do with what is going on in the real world..I think that it is true that they get high to keep from having to deal with the real world. I only know that I made a choice last night that I will not let him destory the good memories that I have of the man that he use to be. So I will not go around him again.. he said that he was ready to come home ? And my thoughts were, come home.. you never even stayed there but 12 hours how can you call it home? And I refuse to let him back into my life or our son's life the way that he is now..I know that help for him is way out of the question he wants nothing to do with it. Even thought his family and I have a rehab that will take him now. He will not ask for help and says that he doesnt need it. You know all the things that addicts say.
So for my sake and our sons sake I will not be there for him any longer. If I have to think of him as dead then that is what I have to do.. I know that sounds very mean and harsh..But I have already cut the money ties and now I must cut the ties that I give him by letting him think that I still have his back everytime he needs me in the streets. I cant !!!!
I have come to know and believe that I will always love him but I have to move on and I refuse to be apart of his dark world any longer. I know that people go through this for years and years with the ones they love. I cant !!!
I need to move on,, I am sure that he will die on the streets or end up back in prison.. and its only a matter of time.. prison would be best for all of us that love him.. Yesterday his arm at his elbow was very red and tender and swallen up and I am sure it was from shooting up to much dope.. To see that broke my heart.. he has lost all of his heart meds and has no clue where he lost them or his refill scripts..
I still question how and why this happened as fast as it did, and I may never have my answers but I know that I cant be apart of this any longer..
And if he is blessed to come to his rock bottom and seek the help that he needs..I will be there but only as his friend .. and the mother of his child..
I dont see that happening though.. he seems to enjoy the world he is in for now..
Thanks for your support you all have no clue how much that it means to me and I will ask that you please pray for him and for his soul and for me to have the strenght to make this break.. He told me yesterday, that I was the only thing that was keeping him half grounded in the real world and if he lost me or our son he wouldnt know what he would do.. but you know what?
I cant and wont let that be a hold on me, and I know that is all that it was meant to be. I am sure he meant it honestly and with what love he knows for us. But I wont let that hold me back ...
Take care and Gods blessing to you all....

Tina

Tatsbabynomore.....

COMPLETElyhis · #22 09-07-2005, 07:51 AM

Continue keeping your head up and stay strong (for you!!!) It's not easy and I speak from my own experiences....

Peace and blessings...

nimuay · #23 09-07-2005, 07:53 AM

Good for you, girl! It cuts like a knife to do what you've done, but it was all you could do, all anyone could do. And that little cold spot that has grown, that's just your soul saying nothing good can come of this. As that assurance grows, you will feel stronger yet about your decision. We all end up with those callouses when our loved ones throw their lives away while we stand there begging them not to. Sometimes, I don't know how any of us survive the sorrow.

Hugs

MizzCandy · #24 09-07-2005, 10:43 AM

Tatsbaby..

My Heart and soul hurts for you and your baby....While my encounter with an addict is not a significant other but my mother...I know what it is to watch them lose the little they have left. I know the feeling of loving so strong but knowing that you cant do more than what you are doing and they will never change or stop until they are fed up. But I will keep you in my prayers.....& your son...I hope he can wake up from all this and realize what a true woman you are!

TZT4$ure4Life · #25 09-08-2005, 12:48 PM

Just a quick update..
once again he called me this morning and asked if I would spend saturday night with him, as that was the day we were suppose to have been renewing our vows..and legally getting married ( long story)
I told him no, I had plans to go out with friends and family.
Of course, I got the cussing out and how he couldnt believe that I was choosing them over him, my reply was I cant believe that you choose the streets and drugs over what we had, me and our son and your family..
He didnt have much to say other than if I went not to talk to him anymore
which could be a blessing believe it or not... sounds strange I know but true.
So I guess that I wont talk to him for a while cause I am going..
would I like to spend the night with him, a part yes, a part also is scared cause lord knows I dont know what he has been doing on the streets..
Everyday they say it gets a little better and somedays it seems that way.
But what do u do when you love someone and you know they are sick and they dont even try?
You have to let go and they have to let go of you right???
Smiles and blessing to you all
love Tina
Tatsbabynomore