I took our daughter on her first visit

[iknowyoubyheart]

I took our daughter to prison to visit her mommy today. At first our little girl was very standoffish. Our daughter just clung to me and it took a little while for her to go be with her other mommy. I really think that she was scared about being in a new environment and it had been quite a while since she had seen mommy. I guess I thought that she would just run into her mommy's arms but no one can predict how a three year old will react to something new. Our daughter eventually warmed up and had all kinds of things to tell my wife. It was so good for them both until it was time to go.
I had been doing my best to explain to our daughter that when it is time to leave mommy will not be going home with us. When our visit was ending she did not want to let her mommy go. I had to pry her away and just hold her through her cries. My wife was crying also. She kept saying "mommy loves you" as she was being led out of the room. My eyes were full of tears but it was hard enough on our daughter to see her mommy crying. I kept it togther.
Our little girl cried herself to sleep on our drive back home. I feel almost in a way that I failed her by not preparing her enough. I just don't know what else I could have done. We drew pictures of visiting mommy, I told her that even though her mommy can't come home with us, it does not mean that she does not love us. I talked to her about what a visit would be like. I did everything that I know to do. Does anyone else have any other suggestions?
I wonder if our daughter is just to little to visit prison. But in the same breath I know that I can not deny her from seeing mommy. I just wonder if our next visit will be easier.
Thanks for reading.

[shortyncute]

I dont think you could have done anything different with her. I think you did a great job. Being 3 years old. Most dont understand that they have to leave, but will be back to see her.

[Ken]

I am glad for all of you that the visit has happened! It was needed on all sides!

I watch kids visit their fathers all the time and over time they get used to it. It is especially hard to watch the leaving time when they don't want to go, but they come back the next time and they deal with it somehow.

I think that it will always be hard but somehow it is easier as time goes on.

Keep strong!

[luvssks]

Altho I was in a little diff situation...my daughter was placed into foster care when I first was arrested and was under investigation by CID (military criminal investigation command). She was only 2 at the time, and our visits were once every two weeks for only an hour and this lasted 9 months before they placed her back into my custody (before my courts-martial....after which I went to jail and had to go thru the visitation all over again after I was released, before I could get her back permanently). Our visits ended the same way at first....it was so painful to hear her screaming and crying "mommy, mommy, I want mommy" as we had to go in our seperate ways. I would sit in my car for like 20 min, crying. I would try to prepare her before the visit ended that it would end soon and that I would see her soon. Eventually, over time she got a little better with it...but it was just as bad imo, because she was like "love you, bye" and if I was lucky, a hug and kiss and she'd just be happy and would leave...and that hurt just as much 'cuz it was like she didn't need/want me anymore. So, it will get easier in time....perhaps, from ur wife's perspective, almost too easy. (((HUGS))) I think you did a great job tho trying to prepare her for the visits....being as little as she is, there's not much more you can do.

[TheGeneralsWife]

You know you cannot beat yourself up for caring enough about how your baby would feel. I know it is hard, I was crying after reading your post, but you did everything right. You cannot prepare a child 100% for this kind of thing ever. I have been doing this with my daughter since I was pregnant and then every week since she was born and it never gets easier. Now the only thing that is comforting is that she knows she will come back next week and her daddy will come out and see her, play with her, eat withe her and watch movies with her. Good luck and just know that you did a great job in an awful situation!

[iknowyoubyheart]

I want to thank everyone again for their kind posts. I wish I could say that it has gotten easier, but it has not. Our daughter cries everytime she goes on a vist. She has always been a very sensitive little girl. I know that she loves her other mommy dearly but she just can't seem to cope with having to leave the prison without her.

I have talked with my wife in depth about this issue. We both agree that we do not want a visit to cause our daughter such stress. We just don't know how we can make it any easier. I don't want to keep the two of them apart, but I don't want a visit to mommy to become negative to the point that when our daughter is older she will not want to visit at all.

I make sure that I talk about my wife to our daughter many times every day. We look at pictures of all of us together and when my wife calls I always have her talk on the phone. Our daughter is fine with pictures and phone calls, but the visits are just so hard on her. ( I take her once a week and then visit alone once a week) Sometimes I feel like a bad mother for taking her to visit, but on the other hand I know I would be a worse mother for keeping her away.
I want to wish everyone a very happy holiday. The kind words you have offered mean so much to me.

[betrayed_4_life]

I was reading a couple of your posts and I just wanted to send a hug your way and let you know that we are all here for you if you need us. It sounds like the two of you have a great relationship where you are open and honest and communicate well, and I am sure that the two of you will be able to decide what is best for your daughter at this time. All children are different, even my twins are exact opposites and would handle this situation differently - you two know your daughter and in time things can be reevaluated - whatever you decide.

I wish you much luck send you and your wife and daughter bunches of hugs. You take care....