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daisysmom1 · #1 06-01-2007, 10:03 AM

Hi, everyone! I'm new to the forum & I guess I'm just looking for some people in the same situation I am in. After reading some of your posts, I think I found the right place. My brother is incarcerated in West Virginia. He took someone's life - "accidentally". I know he got a fairly long sentence and has quite a few years left to serve. My problem is that I haven't seen him for over 6 years. I sent him a few cards over the last few years and every New Year I make a resolution that this is the year that I'm going to go visit him and then I don't. I live in Pennsylvania and his prison is several hours away. I get so torn sometimes. He did so many horrible things to my family and to other people. But he's still blood. I pray for him and sometimes I do worry about him, but I don't know how to bring myself to actually go see him. My mother and some others do go visit him as often as they can. On one hand I know he has done horrible things, but on the other hand our beloved uncle and our grandfather and our stepfather have all died while my brother has been incarcerated - that has to be so hard for him. My brother has also had two grandsons while he's been locked up. He's missing out on so much. But he chose his path. Sometimes I think prison is the best place for him because he can't hurt himself or his family while he's there. Anyway, thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I don't feel like anyone really understands the pain that tears me apart inside when it comes to my brother. Any responses would be greatly appreciated.

DLM · #2 06-05-2007, 04:56 PM

Welcome to the Siblings Forum daisysmom!
I am sure a lot of us here know how you're feeling no matter what our siblings did. It's really so hard on the whole family and we all deal with it differently. Does your brother write to you too and has he asked you to visit? Do you think he has changed at all?

daisysmom1 · #3 06-08-2007, 11:19 AM

Our contact has been very superficial. I'll send a Christmas card - he'll send one back. I know he's respecting my "space" and allowing me to set the pace of our contact - which I really do appreciate since I obviously "flip flop" about how I want our relationship to be. Do I think he's changed? I have no idea. I know that prison is probably the best place for him, sadly. He can't drink or get high (well, I'm sure he could, but I think he tries really hard to stay out of trouble and keep to himself). I worry about what kind of life he will have when he gets out seeing as how he'll be in his late 50's to early 60's. I also worry about him dying while in prison and not getting to spend time with his family. I did fill out a visitor form a few years ago. He has never asked me to come visit. I think he just figures that I never will. I know that if I do ever go it will be hard and emotional. I'm crying right now just thinking about it because I'm so conflicted inside. I've tried so hard to forgive and get past the things he's done, yet I don't know if I know how to love him since I spent so many years "hating" him. I don't even really talk about him - he's just my "brother in prison in WVA". My kids don't even know they have an uncle Mike. How do you ever tell your kids that they have an uncle that killed someone? Anyway, again, thanks for letting me vent all this out.

boflipflops36 · #4 06-08-2007, 04:30 PM

Being a sister to 3 bro and 2 sister, I just don't no what to say to you. Everyone has different up bringings and are close. Also can get own with their life and go seperate ways. I have never been in your shoes so I can't say what I would do. But i no there is no perfect family. My heart aches for you and your hurt. Also your brother. I love my brother so i just hope if anyone in my family ever faces this situation that i would forgive them and still have contact with them. But i cann't imagine life without all of my family. I love their short comings. I don't love their sin but i love them.
Drugs make people someone their not. I hate them all. From alcoh to any drug. It destroyes so many familys. I am so sorry you are facing this. Pray about it. God said to Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners and those who are mistreated as IF YOU yourself were suffering. Hebrew 13-3.
I would have to tell my children.

hediditall · #5 06-23-2007, 08:11 AM

Daisymom, I can feel the conflict and pain in your words.

My brother hasn't been in jail/prison as long as yours, but I haven't seen him in as long. We write regularly now, but that has as much to do with him burning every other bridge in his life as it does genuine affection.

You have every right to address your own reservations and feelings before committing to any more of a relationship with your brother. It is clear that he has hurt you and others you love.

If you choose to have more contact with him, you can take baby steps. You don't have to go from sending a couple cards per year to visiting. You can start writing on a regular schedule, say monthly. Give it a little time to see how you feel. If it's positive, write more often. If it's negative, write less often. Don't make a special trip to visit until you're certain you will both benefit from it.

As for your children, that's entirely up to you. My children know I have a brother in prison and they have an idea of why. They also see me picking up his letters from my post office box and discussing him with their father. It's natural in our case to share the information. If they were younger and their awareness of him more limited, I wouldn't bother mentioning it.

daisysmom1 · #6 06-25-2007, 09:35 AM

Thank you for commenting! And, you're right, I'm very conflicted. I did just send him a postcard and I guess the next step would be to write a "real" letter - not something superficial. When my children are older I will tell them about my brother - they're just too young to understand. Thanks for your suggestion of baby steps. I think you're right. I just don't think I'm in that place inside myself yet where I can go visit. I'm sure that we would probably both just cry and that's not productive for either of us. Good luck with your situation, as well!

hediditall · #7 06-25-2007, 01:04 PM

I don't envy the position you're in, but I do understand it. Not with a sibling, but with a parent who had hurt someone. That conflict is not easy to resolve and you can't expect to have the right answer right away.

Maybe in your real letter, you can write about some shared experiences from your childhood. Maybe some silly thing that happened on vacation or during a birthday party. Just something lighthearted that could nudge open the door for a reconnection.

Even if you don't ever reconnect, you're a good and strong person for caring enough to act.

On the kids, that sounds like a solid plan. You're their mom and you know what's appropriate for them. Trust your gut.

I'm curious about one thing: do you send pictures of your kids? I might be a little weird, but I don't send pics of mine.

Jillian · #8 06-25-2007, 02:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by daisysmom1

Thank you for commenting! And, you're right, I'm very conflicted. I did just send him a postcard and I guess the next step would be to write a "real" letter - not something superficial. When my children are older I will tell them about my brother - they're just too young to understand. Thanks for your suggestion of baby steps. I think you're right. I just don't think I'm in that place inside myself yet where I can go visit. I'm sure that we would probably both just cry and that's not productive for either of us. Good luck with your situation, as well!

yes baby steps is the best way to go! Yes a letter just stating how things are going and how you feel towards him would help get things started . Keep us updated on how things are going ..

MrS.RoDrIgUeZ07 · #9 06-26-2007, 04:11 AM

Hi Dasiysmom1,i dont know what to tell u except,dont let another minute go by..you have got to support him and love him because that is whats gonna get him thru this bid he has.my brother is 28 now and he went to prison when he was 20.he took a plea bargin of 24 years to life.well with a life sentance on the back of your bid you are never garanteed release!! can u imagine how that makes me feel?? i live about 3 hours away from my brother and havent seen him in 4-5 years untill this past weekend,i went to see him and i wouldnt have missed it for anything in the entire world! i felt horrible leaveing him there!dont just settle for a card here and there.be a part of his life because if u dont and the chance is never given to u again you ll regret it for the rest of your life.my brother is now the most importnat perosn to me and id do anything for him but we didnt have that when we were growing up.we were seperated after about 4 years of being kids,he was sent with his grand parents and i never saw him again.now i have to see him in a prison where im allowed a hug.IT SUX! and it took him getting sent to prison for him and i to love one another as we should and now he is my best friend! give him a chance,id give anything to have my borther home but its not that easy.so im down to ride out this 17 more year bid with him no matter what i do,he wont be alone no matter what!!so please listen to me and bring yourself to atleast see him once and try to give him a chance! love Maria

MrS.RoDrIgUeZ07 · #10 06-26-2007, 04:11 AM

Hi Dasiysmom1,i dont know what to tell u except,dont let another minute go by..you have got to support him and love him because that is whats gonna get him thru this bid he has.my brother is 28 now and he went to prison when he was 20.he took a plea bargin of 24 years to life.well with a life sentance on the back of your bid you are never garanteed release!! can u imagine how that makes me feel?? i live about 3 hours away from my brother and havent seen him in 4-5 years untill this past weekend,i went to see him and i wouldnt have missed it for anything in the entire world! i felt horrible leaveing him there!dont just settle for a card here and there.be a part of his life because if u dont and the chance is never given to u again you ll regret it for the rest of your life.my brother is now the most importnat perosn to me and id do anything for him but we didnt have that when we were growing up.we were seperated after about 4 years of being kids,he was sent with his grand parents and i never saw him again.now i have to see him in a prison where im allowed a hug.IT SUX! and it took him getting sent to prison for him and i to love one another as we should and now he is my best friend! give him a chance,id give anything to have my borther home but its not that easy.so im down to ride out this 17 more year bid with him no matter what i do,he wont be alone no matter what!!so please listen to me and bring yourself to atleast see him once and try to give him a chance! love Maria

daisysmom1 · #11 07-04-2007, 01:00 PM

Thanks everyone for the comments! It helps me to read your words and to know that I'm not alone. I do send my brother one picture of my kids every year - at Christmas - I want him to see how his nephews grow from year to year. As for reminding him of memories from our childhood - honestly, they're all not good. I would really have to dig deep to think of something positive. He's 9 years older than me so we really didn't spend time together. Our father died when I was 9 and he was 18. Also, when I was 7/8 year old my brother molested me. I've gotten past that part - we've already buried that hatchet years ago. I'm working on the sibling relationship part now. But I like the suggestion of finding something fun from the past to write about. My mother just got a phone call from him this morning saying that he's being transferred to a different prison tomorrow. Ironic, since July 4th, 2001 was the day she got the call that he was in jail and had allegedly killed someone. I worry about him when he gets moved. Then he has to start all over again establishing himself and learning how to survive in that system. Anyway, I vow to write him this month. Thanks again!

boflipflops36 · #12 07-04-2007, 08:52 PM

You sure have a lot own your plate. It is rough trying to be a sibling and finding that middle ground. Have you talked to your mom about the molesteing? This has to be hard for you. I no i have a daughter that was molested by a uncle. She has carried this scare for 40 yrs. It is something she has never let go of. My heart aches for you and your whole family. Just take 1 day at a time. You do as you feel you want to. God Bless you.

stinkerbell · #13 08-05-2007, 07:08 PM

God belss you and your brother I am praying for you.

Atalie · #14 08-07-2007, 10:13 AM

daisysmom, i know exactly how you feel, I was in a similar situation with my brother. I did finally contact him and that was several years ago. I am so happy I healed our relationship, he is a different person now. Though he caused a lot of pain to our family, he is in prison for a long time and has no one else except me and one cousin. I think you will feel better about yourself if you can see clear to at least write him or send a card once a month. I know my biggest regret is that I let it take so long before I healed our relationship. God Bless you and good luck