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Hisbutterfly23 · #1 09-21-2007, 04:26 PM

Well, it's been a slightly trying time these past few weeks with my man, he been acting funny (tellin me I failed him by his mail getting there late and shit....) and I have been sooooo lonely... I met this guy who is real cool and on the same path as me... he graduated from UC Berkely.. good gpa.. football star there...FINNNNNNNEEEEE as I don't know what. No kids, no drama, own house, own car, etc.. all that you want in a MAN... he is so sweet.. I have been sick lately and he *other guy* has been callin to check on me. I have been waking up bout 3 am coughin nasty and shit.. he tells me when that happens I should call him.. I told him no that's rude.. he sys he wants me to do it.. I find that sooo sweet. He wants to be with me too...

I know I am being tested.. I know it. It's crazy because I have never doubted my feelings for my man until now.. this new man is everything I had wanted in a man... of course I got my lil jail baby... I don't know.. I guess I am just going on and on now..confused... my man did not appreciate me when he was out, like he should have... and only after EVERYONE ELSE left him hanging did he realize he was "wrong" and promises to be the perfect wonderful man in the future... .. anyway this probably doesn't make sense now so Ima just stop.

MountainMom · #2 09-21-2007, 04:36 PM

First of all, it does make sense. You are young (don't get me wrong, I'm just getting OLD) and this is the time in your life to date, meet people and feel good about yourself. I'm not about to tell you what you should do, that's up to you to decide. I would sit down and really think about your man in prison and what he was really like when you were together. Was he kind, loving, supportive, appreciative etc? You should think about what you truly want in a man and go from there. Plus, how long will your man be in for? He's gonna need a friend while he's there but you have the rest of your life to live too. Just think hard before you jump too soon. No regrets, right? Good luck

CONWIFE · #3 09-21-2007, 05:32 PM

let me tell you a little story. i broke up with my husband after 20 yrs of abuse.i started feeling bad about how i was missing growing old together, all the good times we would have been having after the kids left, etc.someone pointed out to me that i was mourning a life that never happened. i was mourning what i was hoping my life would have been like. they told me to look at how my life really was with him. since then i met and married a wonderful man. don't dwell on how you think it might be. look at how it is now. are you appreciated, loved, etc. hope this helped.

**Patty** · #4 09-21-2007, 05:41 PM

It makes a lot of sense. I'm not gonna tell you to leave one man for another no matter the circumstances, on the other hand I'm not gonna tell you to stay in a relationship IF you have come to the conclusion that it's not gonna work for you in the long run. I will say this, jumping from one relationship to another usually doesn't give one the time necessary to collect their thoughts and be completely free of old ties. Having said that, at the end of the day it's your life to live and I wish you all the best whatever path you choose and whether or not that means being with either of these guys ...

Take care,
Patty

mel2020 · #5 09-21-2007, 06:52 PM

I gotta tell ya, I think you're rationalizing. Of course I'm saying this without knowing the history of your relationship. But, from what you said, this guy is basically giving you everything your man can't *right now* and it's got you thinking. I could fall head over heels for another man, too, if I looked for things I don't have *right now*. I think you should hear what Patty said and end one before you start another IF that's what you truly feel is best. Is it? More importantly...WHY is it? Don't let it be a car and house, either. It's nice but doesn't define a MAN

RICKY'SWIFEY14 · #6 09-21-2007, 08:20 PM

I DO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, AND HOW WE ARE LONELY AND WE SOMETIMES NEED TO FEEL LOVED OUTSIDE THOSE WALLS, FOR ME BEING YOUNG IS SOMETHING I WILL NEVER GET BACK. I SOMETIMES SEE MY GIRLFRIENDS GOING ON DATES WITH THEIR MEN AND JUST HAVING THEM THERE. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? AND I ALSO KNOW THAT THIS HAS HAPPEND TO ME BUT IT HAS GONE FROM INFATUATION TO NOTHING! IT NEVER HAS GONE TO FAR FROM A LITTLE CRUSH. IT'S WEIRED BUT TRUE...I ALSO KNOW HOW THERE ARE SO MANY MEN OUT HERE JUST WAITING TO HAVE A GOOD WOMAN AROUND. AND I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD GO WITH WHAT YOU FEEL TRUST ME, IF IT'S REAL YOU WILL KNOW AND IF IT'S NOT IT WILL JUST BE SOME FLING AND YOU WILL GO BACK TO YOUR JAIL BABY LIKE YOU CALLED HIM. I ALSO KNOW THAT MEN THAT HAVE THEIR ACT TOGETHER ARE EXTREMELY MORE ATTRACTIVE. AND I ALSO KNOW HOW THEM COLLAGE UC BERKLEY GUYS ARE HOT MY CUZ WENT THERE TOO! LOL MY ADVICE TO YOU IS GO WITH WHAT YOU FEEL NOW AND IF IT'S WHERE YOU SHOULD BE YOU WILL. IT WILL ALL WORK OUT!

denon · #7 09-21-2007, 08:42 PM

I know how you feel...the grass ALWAYS seem greener on the other side! Have you told this new guy about your dude? If he knows does he have any idea that he's "on vacation". If for some reason this is the case, some guys put on this act of being the "perfect man" just to see if they can pull...My 2 cents...think about EVERYTHING.. the pros and the cons and pay attention to everything. I know that this might not be the best advice but try it and you'll see your answer right in front of your eyes... TAKE YOUR TIME...

Hisbutterfly23 · #8 09-22-2007, 07:08 PM

Thank you all....
I think that going for the new guy is definitly not the best option considering there are a lot of things similar about him and my man... almost like they are the same person but one took the red pill the other took the green.. you know..?? It's about more than the house and car..it's the companionship. My man started talking about marriage and stuff lately.. and I used to want to marry him no matter what even if in prison... but these days I just don't want to.. I think I deserve better. I am also just doubting how much he really has changed... he acts like he has changed but I see some charactoristics still that helped him stay doing bad... His sense of entitlement. Until he can get over that I don't see him changing. Plus I have changed a lot in these last four years as well and will in the next 4-6 while waiting. I wrote him a letter telling him a lot of what I am saying here and more. Maybe open it up for some better communication.. or maybe some time apart.

misstoner · #9 09-22-2007, 07:52 PM

MY MAN DIDNT appreciate me like he should have either before he GOT LOCKED UP. But don't just jump into something else so quick.....if this guy is meant to be for you, it will all work out. I know cheating is not what everyone believes in, but give this guy a chance and maybe it will work out. Your man wasnt great anyway u deserve better. Dont tell on yourself just ease into it....

Wobabi · #10 09-22-2007, 08:19 PM

,,I am glad you let him know how you were feeling,,dont lead him on and dont jet out of the blue,,but I hope you dint mention Mr UC Berkely.

Hisbutterfly23 · #11 09-22-2007, 10:55 PM

oh no... I definitly didn't mention him. Nor did I end anything I just explained my frustrations..and am seeing what he has to say..

Diane93635 · #12 09-22-2007, 11:06 PM

I say just follow your heart...

GoldieLocs · #13 09-23-2007, 08:08 AM

I think you did your boyfriend right by communicating your feelings. However, I would let him know that you want to see other people and not lead him on. And that when he comes out of prison, that you would consider dating him as well. But the bottom line is that you are not married to him and if he wants to really show himself approved, he'll be willing to work to show you after he is free how much he loves you.

I know this from experience...life is too short. But investigate your true needs and goals for your life and let that dictate your decisions.

Goldielocs

kjh4kjg · #14 09-23-2007, 08:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CONWIFE

let me tell you a little story. i broke up with my husband after 20 yrs of abuse.i started feeling bad about how i was missing growing old together, all the good times we would have been having after the kids left, etc.someone pointed out to me that i was mourning a life that never happened. i was mourning what i was hoping my life would have been like. they told me to look at how my life really was with him. since then i met and married a wonderful man. don't dwell on how you think it might be. look at how it is now. are you appreciated, loved, etc. hope this helped.

thanks for that......it so made sense to me......lol

kjh4kjg · #15 09-23-2007, 08:59 AM

Just remember......not everything is as it appears.........

Shelsonme · #16 09-23-2007, 10:57 AM

You seem to be on the right path. Stay open for the possibilites of love, and as long as you are honest with your boyfriend and yourself, all will be well I think.

irshnrse · #17 09-23-2007, 11:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HotLatinaMILF4U

It makes a lot of sense. I'm not gonna tell you to leave one man for another no matter the circumstances, on the other hand I'm not gonna tell you to stay in a relationship IF you have come to the conclusion that it's not gonna work for you in the long run. I will say this, jumping from one relationship to another usually doesn't give one the time necessary to collect their thoughts and be completely free of old ties. Having said that, at the end of the day it's your life to live and I wish you all the best whatever path you choose and whether or not that means being with either of these guys ...

Take care,
Patty

Exactly.

MrsTim · #18 09-23-2007, 01:11 PM

Honey, what you are feeling is so completely normal. Here your man is giving you grief about getting his mail to him late (like you don't have anything else that you have to worry about in life?) -- if anything he should thank you profusely for everything you do for him, late or early or whatever! And you meet this wonderful gorgeous man -- and I think for you the kicker was NO DRAMA. This new man doesn't have any baggage (at least on the surface) and being with him would maybe mean some peace for you. Don't feel guilty for feeling like you do toward him. But use this opportunity to get some communication going between you and your man, like you've already started. Don't put up with him treating you like anything but the Queen you are, whether he is in or out. My husband is in for a year (hopefully out in 6 mos) and in that time he has opened his eyes so much to how he had treated me before he left -- it's weird but he and I are closer than we have ever been even though he is there. Maybe that can happen for you and your man, too. But do what feels right for YOU. You are not married to him -- you should not put your life on hold for a man you aren't sure about. You are young and gorgeous and very, very deserving of happiness -- go get it -- and get it from where you TRULY want it. Good luck, sweetie!

j.d · #19 09-23-2007, 03:17 PM

So think about this.
How would you feel about the new man if your old was actually free? Would you still want to be runnin with him?

I think that would be a good judge of how you really feel.......

hotchic_2005 · #20 09-23-2007, 06:34 PM

I am in a similar situation. My man didn't appreciate me in the least before he was locked up even though I always took off work for every court date no matter how hard it was to walk into that court room with him. I went to his bail hearing and then bailed him out. So far the hardest thing I've experienced was seeing him in handcuffs and that orange suit the first time. He never cared about the pain I was going through for him. He would never really even admit his feelings for me but I knew they were there. I feel that I have put wayyy too much into this relationship to call it quits right now. I'm living for the better tomorrow that he has promised. If he comes home and doesn't act right and doesn't appreciate me, then I'll end things. But I just feel that I've endured too much pain and heartache to leave now. My advice would be to stay with your man..but whatever you do, don't cheat on him.

Hisbutterfly23 · #21 09-24-2007, 11:06 PM

Thank you MrsTim for your support and beautiful words.

J.D.- I actually just wrote someone in a PM about that exact thing... if he wasn't locked up I would not even be talking to this new guy *lookin- oh definitly he is a sight to behold* but I would stay with my man.
Hot chic- sorry your man didn't appreciate you.. I hope he does now..I been down for my man a lot.. but to miss work for a court date.. nah. you're a good woman for that. I hope he treats you the best when he is home... better yet from now on.
--------------------------
Update:
Keepin muh man... he sent me pics we took when I visited him..awww. I miss him.

Woody's Girl · #22 09-25-2007, 12:11 PM

Hey Hisbutterfly- you know, i agree with a few things other posters have stated but, the couple that stuck out the most was of course my Ms Patty- HotlatinaMILF4U and MrsTim's comments...
Ms Patty is so correct when she stated going from one relationship to the next is never a good idea and MrsTim hit so many points on the nail...the part about NO DRAMA... that is always a good thing to try to avoid in any relationship you may encounter.
But my lil would be this. Not to cheat; talk to your man and let him know you don't feel that the relationship is 50/50; and from what you stated in your post about him "he did not appreciate you when he was out" and that "only after everyone else abandoned him" did he realize "you"... honey, if a man in the free world is not appreciating you,,, and you KNOW you deserve better... move along.. i've seen someone say you were young, how old are you? if you are still at the age where you can date around (not sleep around) alot of people get the game twisted.... i would do so.. of course you gonna run into men who you feel treat you sooooooo well because your man did not do or would not do what some will or act accordingly; but; you have to make sure that they are sincere. Some men will use that to their advantage; the ex and how they did not act. Some men will use it until they feel they got you so caught up in them, then they show they NAKED ASS baby. You just have to be a good judge in character and make sure "YOU ARE HAPPY". Some of us live to make our men happy and that is all good, but on the flip side we sometimes sacrafice our happiness for theirs and they don't ever acknowledge or sacrafice theirs for us. So of course when someone does take notice to what we want and need and place that in front of what they want and need -example- you waking old buddy wanting you to wake him up at 3 am in the morning- sacraficing his sleep and what not... we tend to fall head over for those types of things. Also, you say your man has another 4-6 years ? and you've already waited 4 years.. you have to consider if you wait another 4-6 years and he gets out, rather you are miserable or just plain unhappy, you know what will happen? You'll find yourself settling because you will have felt you've put too much time and effort into the relationship. So, you have to follow what "your mind and heart" and you are a queen and should not settle and be with anyone who doesn't think and treat you accordingly. Your man will realize you are a good woman and just communicate if he is who you want or not... Let him know mail will be late, i don't feel good, make him understand- he placed himself there you did not and you are doing your best to hold him down, how you can. If you truly love him, let him know what you want and need and make sure he is ready to provide that when he comes home.
Sorry so long i just really feel for your situation.
Its like you damned if you do; damned if you don't.
Kesha

formerMIgirl · #23 09-25-2007, 12:21 PM

It makes more sense then you think but you gotta trust your heart AND mind because it's YOUR life. I have been with mine off and on (but always there) for 20 years 10 of which have been while his been in prison. We weren't together when he went in cause he bailed out on me and my kids left us homeless blah blah blah. I was the only one (even outta blood family) that as there. Now when after all these years I ask him to do one thing for his kids, stand up to his family that walked out on him, he rolled over and just stopped talking to even his kids. Sometimes I just wonder if I would still be there if a MR WONDERFUL walked into my life who cared about ME. SO I sympathize with you girl. It's hard.

formerMIgirl · #24 09-25-2007, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Woody's Girl

Hey Hisbutterfly- you know, i agree with a few things other posters have stated but, the couple that stuck out the most was of course my Ms Patty- HotlatinaMILF4U and MrsTim's comments...
Ms Patty is so correct when she stated going from one relationship to the next is never a good idea and MrsTim hit so many points on the nail...the part about NO DRAMA... that is always a good thing to try to avoid in any relationship you may encounter.
But my lil would be this. Not to cheat; talk to your man and let him know you don't feel that the relationship is 50/50; and from what you stated in your post about him "he did not appreciate you when he was out" and that "only after everyone else abandoned him" did he realize "you"... honey, if a man in the free world is not appreciating you,,, and you KNOW you deserve better... move along.. i've seen someone say you were young, how old are you? if you are still at the age where you can date around (not sleep around) alot of people get the game twisted.... i would do so.. of course you gonna run into men who you feel treat you sooooooo well because your man did not do or would not do what some will or act accordingly; but; you have to make sure that they are sincere. Some men will use that to their advantage; the ex and how they did not act. Some men will use it until they feel they got you so caught up in them, then they show they NAKED ASS baby. You just have to be a good judge in character and make sure "YOU ARE HAPPY". Some of us live to make our men happy and that is all good, but on the flip side we sometimes sacrafice our happiness for theirs and they don't ever acknowledge or sacrafice theirs for us. So of course when someone does take notice to what we want and need and place that in front of what they want and need -example- you waking old buddy wanting you to wake him up at 3 am in the morning- sacraficing his sleep and what not... we tend to fall head over for those types of things. Also, you say your man has another 4-6 years ? and you've already waited 4 years.. you have to consider if you wait another 4-6 years and he gets out, rather you are miserable or just plain unhappy, you know what will happen? You'll find yourself settling because you will have felt you've put too much time and effort into the relationship. So, you have to follow what "your mind and heart" and you are a queen and should not settle and be with anyone who doesn't think and treat you accordingly. Your man will realize you are a good woman and just communicate if he is who you want or not... Let him know mail will be late, i don't feel good, make him understand- he placed himself there you did not and you are doing your best to hold him down, how you can. If you truly love him, let him know what you want and need and make sure he is ready to provide that when he comes home.
Sorry so long i just really feel for your situation.
Its like you damned if you do; damned if you don't.
Kesha

Wow I think I need to come to you when I need a wake up call, that is some serious truth there.