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**nevaeh2morrow** · #26 01-03-2009, 02:24 PM

You don't need to say anything. You handled it and it is done. End of story.

WillowWoman · #27 01-03-2009, 03:22 PM

This guy who came over is a really good friend and has hung out with my man and me several times. He's been a good friend of mine for a while, I've known him even longer than I've known Peter. It was probably a stupid move to hang out with him by myself but most of my friends are utterly platonic guy friends, and Peter knows that. It just took me by surprise that this happened.

I really wanted to tell him at first. But I think you're all right. I handled it and the focus needs to be on Peter right now. I know I will tell him eventually, but now is not the time.

And I'm so glad that I was able to diffuse it and send him packing. It was just... something that I'm NOT used to happening. I'm not a big drinker so being around drunk guys isn't a common thing for me, and being drunk myself isn't a common thing for me. He said he was bringing over something to drink. He didn't tell me was bringing a 5-liter thing of wine the size of a three year old child. Trust me, I'm kicking myself now.

And JoseandJess, I felt the need to tell because that's a specific goal in our relationship. Absolute honesty and open communication. It's just how our relationship is. But I do see everyone's point.

krainium · #28 01-03-2009, 03:30 PM

If it were me, I wouldn't tell him- that would completley stress my man out he would be on edge all the time, calling his boys having them posted up at my house taking me to the store and to work- oh no, no, no. I don't know how your man reacts to stuff like that but mine has always been overprotective even when he was out. My whole family would be stressed because he would pass that on to everybody!

WaitinPrincess · #29 01-03-2009, 03:58 PM

I would tell him if nothing happened then whats there to be afraid of?

WillowWoman · #30 01-03-2009, 04:21 PM

I'm not afraid of repercussions. He's a pretty laid back guy. I just have no idea what his mental state is right now. I haven't heard from him in two weeks because of the transfer and intake and all that. I don't know if he would still be laid back or if this would make him freak out. He's never been in jail before and I have never been close to someone in jail, so I feel like the blind is leading the blind. I just don't want to keep anything from him. been there, done that, with other relationships, and it was never a good thing.

I guess there is a time and place for everything though.

LionessLove · #31 01-03-2009, 04:41 PM

I believe in no secrets-my baby even knows how many times I go potty

and when I play w/o him

(with me)And we have grown super close b/c of it.This is the foundation of your relationship-I believe it will be stronger if he knows everything....he'll probably be really proud you said no...

canthelpbutwait · #32 01-03-2009, 05:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mshappygirl

First of all I would ask why would you put yourself in that position, drinking with another dude - we all know that means bad news. Second, it depends on your relationship with him if you tell him or not. Personally my man and i share EVERYTHING so yes I would own up and tell him, but i'm sure he would be asking the same, why would I put myself into that position... just depends, I guess.

Girl I was thinken the same thing & agree wit u 100%

jonivea · #33 01-03-2009, 05:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ajsangel

I believe in having an honest relationship too. My thing is "if its something you are unsure about and feel as though you should hide it then maybe its something you shouldn't be doing in the first place" My man would wanna know about something like that. Though, I don't know how cool my baby would be with another man at my place drinking with me alone. that would bother him a lot, but from what you said your man assured you it was okay for you to find someone else? I'm guessing he wouldn't mind you hanging out with this guy. I would just talk to him. If not you might hold all that inside and it sucks. you did nothing wrong if it slips out about this guy trying to kiss you later on hes gonna think you hid it because it was more than what it actually was.

I totally agree with you on this.. Honesty is the first and BESt thing in any relationship...

soinlove07 · #34 01-03-2009, 06:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WillowWoman

This guy who came over is a really good friend and has hung out with my man and me several times. He's been a good friend of mine for a while, I've known him even longer than I've known Peter. It was probably a stupid move to hang out with him by myself but most of my friends are utterly platonic guy friends, and Peter knows that. It just took me by surprise that this happened.

I really wanted to tell him at first. But I think you're all right. I handled it and the focus needs to be on Peter right now. I know I will tell him eventually, but now is not the time.

And I'm so glad that I was able to diffuse it and send him packing. It was just... something that I'm NOT used to happening. I'm not a big drinker so being around drunk guys isn't a common thing for me, and being drunk myself isn't a common thing for me. He said he was bringing over something to drink. He didn't tell me was bringing a 5-liter thing of wine the size of a three year old child. Trust me, I'm kicking myself now.

And JoseandJess, I felt the need to tell because that's a specific goal in our relationship. Absolute honesty and open communication. It's just how our relationship is. But I do see everyone's point.

honey, not trying to be mean or rude just HONEST. If this guy is trying to tae advantage of you while you are drinking, KNOWING you are not single and he even knows your man!!! and he is trying to make a move on you, then HE IS NOT A GOOD FRIEND. Look, our men are locked up, there is nothing easy or fun about it and i think we have to overcome enough obsitcles as it is without bringing more drama to the situation. You need friends that will support your relationship and be there for you, not take advantage of you. I hope this was a lesson to you to NOT put yourself in a situation that you are not ready to be in. Ya know?

Special5986 · #35 01-03-2009, 06:49 PM

I am sorry that you are going through this stress right now on top of every thing else. I don't mean to be mean or anything but if there was nothing to feel bad about you wouldn't be so shook up about it. The thing is you realize that the situation you put yourself in was a bad situation. It is up to you and your man if you can work past that. I wouldn't hide it from him. I also agree that there is a time and a place to tell him. It would drive him crazy right now I am sure. I just wouldn't be putting myself in those kinds of situations. I'm not saying I put my life on hold but I only surround myself with people I know he would have no added stress over. My family and close girl friends and absolutely no alcohol involved for me! It all depends on how much you want to prove to him that you are really there for him. My first thought when you said he told you to have a guy on the side was it is a test. Maybe your relationship is different than mine but I would never imagine that being ok. I don't know about any of you but if the roles were reversed I wouldn't want my man hanging out with a girl alone...regardless of how long he has known her. I know everyone has an opinion but you are the only one that has to live with your decisions. Ultimately it is up to you! Sorry to be blunt!

MsMarie · #36 01-03-2009, 06:57 PM

I would not tell him...What's the point????

Nothing happened, Why upset him? Nor will it ever, right??? So let it be water under the bridge.

Yes, I believe in honesty, but we are in a unique situation, and there is not a damn thing they can do if other men hit on us...I don't tell Ron about all this crap because it's not important to US... I am faithful, true, and loyal (I know, I sound like Lassie...But it's true)

jonivea · #37 01-03-2009, 07:02 PM

I definitely wouldn't or couldn't picture my husband alone with ANY woman if the roles were reversed and with LIQUOR in the system tooo...Ohhhhh HELL NAW, but thats just me.... and my husband's the same way.

WillowWoman · #38 01-03-2009, 11:56 PM

I see what everyone is saying. No, it was a very dumb move on my part, but Peter and I have that kind of relationship, we never kept each other on tight leashes or anything like that. It was a very free and easy relationship, no jealousy, any of that. I'm just concerned that his mindset is different now and I wanted opinions on how someone in that position- freshly in jail, etc- would react. *sigh* Never mind. I shouldn't have brought it up.

And, mshappygirl, it was a lesson. A big lesson. And lesson learned. I'm just... really sorry I brought it up, I didn't mean to rile so many people up.

kima · #39 01-04-2009, 12:08 AM

Willow, don't worry about riling people up! You have a valid question and we're all going to give you our different opinions. Please don't feel bad about being in the situation in the first place, having a drink with a friend shouldn't have been a very big deal. And really... if anyone hold's the ultimate blame, it would be Peter. He's the one who did whatever he did (?) to get locked up and left you out here alone. This prison ride can be long and bumpy, with a lot of emotions that somedays will take every ounce of strength you have to get through. Just consider this a learning experience and go on from here, more aware of how actions can cause reactions. (And stay away from men bearing 3 foot bottles of wine, lol).

MKGS561 · #40 01-04-2009, 12:20 AM

My husband’s my best friend and I tell him everything BUT I can’t even imagine telling him I was out alone drinking with a guy friend - that doesn’t even sound right.

Miss Superwoman · #41 01-04-2009, 12:47 AM

Actually what is there to tell him you did nothing wrong.I mean there will plenty of other men hitting on you.I think that the stress level is already high and there is no need to add on to it.This is a new situation for both of you and to have in there thinking and wondering about whatif's and maybe's I don't think is necessary.Best wishes.

iloveyoumore · #42 01-04-2009, 09:32 AM

Just take this as a lesson learned. You have more important things facing you both right now. So have a glass of ice water and a new day begins! Don't worry about us...we would be so bored if we didn't get riled up every so often...Take care of yourself. How are you handling this process? The waiting for intake and transfer? This was a very stressful time for us.

WillowWoman · #43 01-04-2009, 04:37 PM

I guess I'm handling it reasonably okay. Going to work, bills getting paid... and not doing much else. I've been sleeping a lot more then I normally do. I'll be grateful with the next semester starts, so I have something else to occupy my time. I've only gotten one letter from him while he was in county, so I'm going nuts waiting to hear from him.

I was just... trying to hang out with a friend, retain some normalcy, I guess, and it snowballed. *sigh* Stupid me, I suppose. But hey, you're right, a new day has dawned.

Stangloverswife · #44 01-04-2009, 05:54 PM

If it is cool with your relationship, then I see nothing wrong with you hanging out with a dude friend. Especially if its a guy that your man knows. I have hung out with guy friends, and I think there is only a problem if you go into it with bad intentions. Now if you hang out with this guy again...then thats on you after he did this to you. But me personally, I would tell my husband. It wouldn't be in the first conversation we had after his transfer but maybe on visit or something in case he has more questions. I would just say, "babe, I wanted to tell you this because I don't want you to feel like I'm hiding anything from you - theres nothing for you to worry about, but I just wanted to let you know that me and ___ were hanging out and drinking when he tried to hit on me...when he didn't get the point I had to give him the boot. "

WillowWoman · #45 01-04-2009, 06:50 PM

That's what my plan was. To just tell him later on. I just wanted some people who are older and wiser in the ways if the penal system and the mindest of the inmate to give me their input on whether I should tell him now or later.

It shook me up because a) I wasn't expecting it at all and b) there's a little more to the story. My instinct was to run to him and tell him everything like I always have done. I'm still adjusting I guess. I don't know. I feel kind of lost right now, to be completely honest.

iloveyoumore · #46 01-05-2009, 08:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WillowWoman

That's what my plan was. To just tell him later on. I just wanted some people who are older and wiser in the ways if the penal system and the mindest of the inmate to give me their input on whether I should tell him now or later.

It shook me up because a) I wasn't expecting it at all and b) there's a little more to the story. My instinct was to run to him and tell him everything like I always have done. I'm still adjusting I guess. I don't know. I feel kind of lost right now, to be completely honest.

I have had to fight the instinct to run to him and tell him everything too. It was just something I always did before he went in and its natural. Since he's been in though that hasn't always been the best thing. I have had to learn that while we are always honest with each other he doesn't need to have it all dumped on him in a way I know will upset him unnecessarily. Intake is one of the hardest points of this journey. He's adjusting and you will too. Hang in there. You didn't do anything wrong.

Inmatez Wife · #47 01-05-2009, 11:09 AM

I would only tell him if any other problems arise. Why get him worked up over something you handled?

EDSGIRLYGURL · #48 01-05-2009, 06:48 PM

I would wait, and tell him in person rather than letter... If this something you can keep to yourself than I would. Basically you will and may be causing a earthquake....Let things be.... if you just cant keep it from him, than you shouldn't.
Just don't do it over the phone, nor by letter....In person....

Marseille · #49 01-05-2009, 08:34 PM

The person I would be talking to is the "friend" that tried to put the moves on you. I would totally let him know that it made you uncomfortable, it was unwelcomed and if he wasn't able to accept your friendship as-is then he will need to move along.

You don't need to drop your friends solely because of their gender, but I don't think you should be spending too much time alone with a friend that is unwilling to accept your boundaries.

I wouldn't tell my man. You handled it. I wouldn't go tweaking his nose for no reason. Save it for more important things.

WillzWife4Life · #50 01-06-2009, 07:55 AM

I am learning (the hard way) that they don't need to know absolutely everything. There are things that you should tell him, what's going on with your life and things he may have a say so in. But on the flip side, how's he going to feel if he hears his girl was hit on by a friend of hers? It could've just been the alcohol. Let it go, you checked that guy. No need to stress your guy more than he already is.