Did you judge people in prison before you had a loved one there?

[SGV girl]

I know right off the top I was guilty of doing this, but I wonder am I the only one? I know before I got involved with G, my opinion of a person in prison was that they were where they deserved to be for whatever they did. And I KNOW I judged people harshly depending on their crime...

I admit I was ignorant, and thought, "Man, he's in there for murder? How can ANYONE love that person? How could ANYONE write that person or want to be in LOVE with that person...he has no respect for life!" BUT..since being here, that opinion has waned, as have many other misconceptions and prejudices I held on to...perhaps to justify my own lil life!

So the question is this...did you/do you judge people in prison differently now that you have a loved one there? Did you/do you make distinctions in the "levels" of crime? For example, "He only stole something, he didn't kill anyone" or "He only uses drugs, he didn't hurt anyone but himself" to try to minimize how you deal with your situation???

I'm curious to know...was it just me...what have you all learned???

[lilithinwaiting]

No, I have never judged people because they are in prison. I have had members of my family in prison since I was 5yrs old so it is almost a natural thing for me to accept people in prison or who have been to be prison. I don't even think about it. I have my predjudisim of course. I can not pretend to love all inmates with the same equality. Child molesters, Child rapist's to me are difficult to feel love for. As far as the rest, I can understand most crimes, I Can see how crimes happen. Does not mean I accept them or tolerant Crime , it means I can understand how it could have taken place what pushed the human being over to do it.

[Daywalker]

Originally Posted by SGV girl

I know right off the top I was guilty of doing this, but I wonder am I the only one? I know before I got involved with G, my opinion of a person in prison was that they were where they deserved to be for whatever they did. And I KNOw I judged people harshly depending on their crime...

I admit I was ignorant, and thought, "Man, he's in there for murder? How can ANYONE love that perosn? How could ANYONE write that person or want to be in LOVE with that person...he has no respect for life!" BUT..since being here, that opinion has waned, as have many other misconceptions and prejudices I held on to...perhaps to justify my own lil life!

So the question is this...did you/do you judge people in prison differently now that you have a loved one there? Did you/do you make distinctions in the "levels" of crime? For example, "He only stole something, he didn't kill anyone" or "He only uses drugs, he didn't hurt anyone but himself" to try to minimize how you deal with your situation???

I'm curious to know...was it just me...what have you all learned???

When I was in my early 20's, my first husband got arrested. I knew he had a record all the way back to Juvie, but you know - bad boy thing, anyway, he got caught for some stupid crap, some old warrant and got arrested. I went to visit him in county, I was livid. I was pretty sure I was a hell of a lot better than the filthy, disgusting people I had to sit in the waiting room with. I told him I wouldn't come back. When they transferred him to a medium security prison to finish his term, I went one time to visit him, and I was so humiliated by the searching process, that I told him I woudln't be back and he could find us when he got his sh*t straight again. I didn't leave him BECAUSE he went in, but it was the final straw for me.

It wasn't until about 10 years later, when I saw a close friend take a fall for something he didn't do, that I realized that not everyone who goes to jail is dirty, or guilty of the crime they were charged with. I started to do some research for a book I wanted to write, I chose death row criminals, because I wanted to know about death row, the crimes that get you there, and the mentality of the people that commit those types of crimes. Not saying everyone is like this, but it seemed that everyone I wrote to was only willing to talk to me if I would send money, books, etc. I found one little guy in AZ who wasn't on the row, but we maintained a pen-ship for about a year. He was guilty, he went in at 18 because his gang did a drive by. He was coming up for parole about a year after I started writing him. My heart was broken for this boy. In 18 years of prison, the ENTIRE world had changed and he had nothing. He told me his options were to go back to his 'hood, where he KNEW he'd get sucked right back into the gang and wind up back inside, or relocate to somewhere else, where he had no family support and no real job skills to help him get by.

I'm 48 now. I'm married to an inmate. He wasn't an inmate when I met him, but he was honest about his situation and I knew he was on probation. This prison thing is a first for both of us. He was afraid I'd abandon him like everyone else has. If you had told me 20 years ago that I would wind up being married to an inmate, I'd have told you that you were completely out of your mind. Oh boy, was I FULL of myself! I thought I was SO much better than my sister, who was doing the MWI thing, without any success on her part.

These days, I don't judge much. I know it's not for me to do so. I know that at any time, I could be incarcerated just like my husband is, because of some glitch in the system, because I look like someone who did something, because the system truly can railroad an innocent inside. And unless you have boatloads of expendable income there isn't a hell of a lot you're going to be able to do about it.

The only crime I am still "iffy" on, are the ones that involve children. In my book, if you can hurt a child, touch a child, you are beyond lower than dirt. I realize that not everyone who is accused actually did anything, the system railroads these people too, but still. If you can and DID actually do that, then no, I cannot find forgiveness in my heart for you, and I certainly could never love you.

[boop's mom]

I'll have to say I did,when I was growing up, many years ago, it seemed only the worst of the worst went to prison, so everyone in prison was a bad person and deserved to be there. It didn't take long for me to change my tune. Although I may be critical of the crimes I am no longer critical of the criminal or their families who are left hurting. I've read so much here and think so many don't deserve to be there or have such harsh sentences and suffer so much at the hands of this great country's justice system. My own experience and PTO have opened my eyes and taught me not to be quick to judge.
I do agree with daywalker tho about crimes against children. I draw the line of compassion there if they truly are guilty of such an atrocity

[Brent's Babe]

For me it depends on the crime. Sex offenders bother me. Yeah yeah I know every s.o. has a story but that's my opinion

[Daywalker]

Originally Posted by Brent's Babe

For me it depends on the crime. Sex offenders bother me. Yeah yeah I know every s.o. has a story but that's my opinion

I think we're all guilty of something bothering us in the realm of crimes. I don't understand murderers. I don't believe in the taking of a human life. And yet, when I hear about an abuse case where the victim turns the tables and kills the abuser, I cheer a little inside.

For me personally, it's kids. Anyone who could hurt a child and still look themselves in the mirror, has to be a dirtbag that is lower than the scum on my bootsoles. Not just sexually, in any way. How you could look at a child's innocence and take that away, is just beyond my capability of understanding.

[redhaired_dolly]

I answered that I do. But it's not that I automatically have certain prejudices, think they can't change, etc. But you do tend to assume certain things without being able to help it. Everyone has their opinion on sex offenders, violent offenders, drug addicts, etc. So I think honestly, most of us tend to have certain things on mind when we think of this or that. I don't automatically assume the person is bad or not capable of changing. And I certainly wouldn't assume they are unlovable. But I do tend to assume automatically that I might know or could relate a little to their background or family life, just by association because we've been there, too.

As said above, I also have feelings against people who commit crimes against children. That bothers me a lot. Or folks who are sadistic and abuse animals. Any abuse of the helpless and innocent bothers me. But I have always been someone who tries to get the entire story and to understand before I pass judgment. That's how I've always been.

[Mrs.JThomas]

for me its like the saying goes "don't judge a book by its cover" judging or sizing people take to much time out of my day. i'm a busy mother of three and student i'll leave the judging up to God.

[KCRgirl1031]

yes and no...i was involved with people that had some some time...but i just thought ooohh bad boy yum...but if i were to see someone on the street or hear someone walking by talking about their man in prison i would be like OMG he was in prison blah blah...

[far_away]

I will admit I'm a little softer on my thoughts now that I have a loved one in prison but I try not to have preconceived prejudices just because a person was/is in prison. Just because someone is in prison it doesn't automatically mean they did something premeditated or cruel. There are many people in the system who just plain did something stupid! For me, I make my decisions based on who the person is and what they've done, regardless of whether they're an inmate, a stranger on the street or my own family members.

[Nowheretoturn]

You know, there is no telling how many times I passed the jail in my town without even giving it a second glance. I just didn't think about it. If I did, like a lot of people, I just ASSUMED that people where there because they deserved to be. My eyes were certainly opened about a year-and-a-half ago! Sometimes I think we judge just by our indifference. When you pass by a building with bars on the windows, shouldn't it stir in you a feeling of compassion? But many of us never even noticed until WE had someone behind those bars!

[Missing Someone]

Originally Posted by Nowheretoturn

You know, there is no telling how many times I passed the jail in my town without even giving it a second glance. I just didn't think about it. If I did, like a lot of people, I just ASSUMED that people where there because they deserved to be. My eyes were certainly opened about a year-and-a-half ago! Sometimes I think we judge just by our indifference. When you pass by a building with bars on the windows, shouldn't it stir in you a feeling of compassion? But many of us never even noticed until WE had someone behind those bars!

That was me too. I had no reason to even give it a thought. Drive by our remand centre every day to get to work and never considered it at all - except that I noticed it has really small windows.

[Brent's Babe]

Originally Posted by Daywalker

I think we're all guilty of something bothering us in the realm of crimes. I don't understand murderers. I don't believe in the taking of a human life. And yet, when I hear about an abuse case where the victim turns the tables and kills the abuser, I cheer a little inside.

For me personally, it's kids. Anyone who could hurt a child and still look themselves in the mirror, has to be a dirtbag that is lower than the scum on my bootsoles. Not just sexually, in any way. How you could look at a child's innocence and take that away, is just beyond my capability of understanding.

I agree that's what I should've said crimes against kids

[Warrior Wife]

It's hard to admit, but true. I was unconcerned at best, and certainly judgemental at worst.

I personally believe that our prejudices are born out of ignorance and fear. When something is unknown or strange to us, we both fear and judge it.

Because my ministry has led me into close relationships with people who tend to be marginalized (people living with AIDS, the homeless, addicts...) I have worked my way through a lot of categories. But THIS lesson hit closest to home, for sure.

It was/is hard for me to face and admit my ignorance, my fears, and my judgements. And I THANK GOD for Dana's patience while I struggled my way through, asking questions and seeking to understand.

One thing is for sure: I've been changed for the better.

Thanks, SGV Girl, for this excellent thread, and to everyone who has shared here.

xo,

WW

[Lordbew/us]

I agree with everyone. It is scarey because I was pretty much like the rest of society thinking most of the people in jail/prison probably deserved it. That inmates should have the very minimum, since they were there to pay for their crimes. No a/c, no t.v., no schooling etc... Of course a lot of my feelings were based on public perception, and the whole tough on crime jargon that is fed to the public. What a naive mindset.

I have had a huge transformation in my thinking since my son was (oversentenced) in my eyes. I am becoming vey cynical of our so called justice system with the one fits all sentencing, mandatory minimums, you name it.
I'm also very bothered when I watch t.v. and see celebraties, government officials, CEO's and people with connections work the system while us little people get the SHAFT.

[BlueEyedEllie]

i've tried not to be judgmental throughout my life but certain types of inmates i still judge despite loving an inmate myself. child molesters i think i will always judge harshly because some of my loved ones their lives were seriously traumatized by molesters however since joining this site i have come to realize sex crimes cover a HUGE spectrum. not every person on the registry is a richard allen davis. i did growing up always thought murderers were just awful. i now realize there are so many extenuating circumstances,etc. marc trusts no one but he says some of the most decent dudes in prison are lifers.

[soinlove07]

No, to be honest I never gave prison any thought. "Out of site our of mind" I guess. Now its sucha big part of our lives. its so crazy how things in our life change. Never Say Never!

[iloveyoumore]

Yes, I judged people in prison and the women who would be with them! Yikes...when I was little my moms hairdresser had this picture of a mean looking guy (her boyfriend in prison) on her counter. She was overweight, blonde and wore too much blue eyeshadow (apparently I was a judgmental 5 year old!). Soooo...anyway...I too have no sympathy for people who hurt children.

[Daywalker]

Originally Posted by iloveyoumore

Yes, I judged people in prison and the women who would be with them! Yikes...when I was little my moms hairdresser had this picture of a mean looking guy (her boyfriend in prison) on her counter. She was overweight, blonde and wore too much blue eyeshadow (apparently I was a judgmental 5 year old!). Soooo...anyway...I too have no sympathy for people who hurt children.

Unfortunately, that's the stereotype of us. We're fat, we have low or no self esteem or we'd get men in the free world, we're trashy, we're low, we have no morals. You name it, I've heard it.

Well, I'm here to tell you. I am fat, I have always thought quite well of myself, and have never lacked for male companions. I turn down quite a few offers even today, at my age. And I've been married 4 times. Obviously, I must be attractive in some way. I might be country, I might be rednecky, but trashy, I am not. I am educated, and I speak well. I have made a lot of money at work and I've made next to nothing at work. But I work. And I take care of my own. And I am beyond proud.

And if I really wanted to get on my soapbox and start a fight it would be about this whole "fat" thing. Just because you're not a size 0, doesn't make you a cow, although Wall Street and most everyone else would have you feel that way. I was fat, I weighed almost 400 lbs at one point. And I was married to a man who could have stepped off the cover of GQ. Size, has NOTHING to do with who you are inside. I'm still a big girl, but about 1/2 the size I used to be. And I still get those fine looking men. Never dated one that would crack mud or make Ray Charles flinch. So do yourselves a favor and be healthy and stop trying to fit into an image that you may never be able to attain. I'm a big girl by nature. I'll be lucky to ever get to a size 16. But sizes, are just numbers. So to my larger sisters, be proud of who and what you are, and be healthy. And to my smaller sisters, please help stop perpetuating the myth that he's running around with some "fat cow". I've heard that more than once, too.

[BlueEyedEllie]

Originally Posted by Daywalker

I think we're all guilty of something bothering us in the realm of crimes. I don't understand murderers. I don't believe in the taking of a human life. And yet, when I hear about an abuse case where the victim turns the tables and kills the abuser, I cheer a little inside.

For me personally, it's kids. Anyone who could hurt a child and still look themselves in the mirror, has to be a dirtbag that is lower than the scum on my bootsoles. Not just sexually, in any way. How you could look at a child's innocence and take that away, is just beyond my capability of understanding.

i agree with you totally!!!!

[tibs]

[quote=Warrior Wife;4369601]It's hard to admit, but true. I was unconcerned at best, and certainly judgemental at worst.

I personally believe that our prejudices are born out of ignorance and fear. When something is unknown or strange to us, we both fear and judge it.

Because my ministry has led me into close relationships with people who tend to be marginalized (people living with AIDS, the homeless, addicts...) I have worked my way through a lot of categories. But THIS lesson hit closest to home, for sure.

It was/is hard for me to face and admit my ignorance, my fears, and my judgements. [ww quote].



I could not have said it better. I like that this post seems to challenge us to take a minute to reflect, and to strive to change those things about ourselves that will help us to become better. For me it will be, a never ending process, but I know it will not be futile.

[JORGESBABYGiRL]

I can honestly say no ive never judged someone because of a jail/prison situation. It was just something that never really crossed my mind until my man was incarserated to me if they were in jail it was ecause of a mistake thats it we all make mistakes. Ive had friends that have had husbands in prison but i never thought about how hard it was all my thoughts were "aw im sorry, best of luck & you have my wishes" but now that my man is locked up i see the daily struggle they went through. & understand more of what its like....so instead of no opinion at all....my heart really goes out to all family loved ones & those incarserated through the hard times

[BlueEyedEllie]

i judge noone in prison except those that have committed crimes against women and children. there is no excuse for them in my book. they are cowards.

[ladii_luck]

I think there was a time when I was very young that I thought anyone who was in jail or prison was there because they had to have done something that would make it dangerous to live on the streets. I hate even admitting that now, but I just absorbed what people around me said: media, family, friends, school, etc. As I got older, I came to the realization that there are SO many circumstances for jail and prison terms. There was no way that a blanket statement could fit everyone behind bars.

Even before having a loved one is prison, I had begun understanding (or trying to) the complexities of the "justice" system. Now that I feel smack dab in the middle of it, I can say that all of my old preconceived notions were so wrong. It's not just in loving an inmate that can change these feelings/thoughts, but in truly understanding the system and the circumstances that can lead there. You can love an inmate and still feel that all prisoners "deserve it" without including your loved one in that category.

[Mrs.Sunshine]

I never judged them..Actually I don't think I ever thought about people in prison...but when I was aware of people going to prison...I believed I would never be that "woman" to be waiting for someone in prison...but when life throws a curve ball at you...you fall and then get back up!