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Lostwhattodo · #1 04-14-2009, 05:46 PM

Hey there....
I have a lenghthy past with the prison system.... My first love has been away since I was 15 or 16.... I am now 26... so its been about 10 years... through the years me and have have been through alot... he was my first love...my first heartbreak... my first everything....being so young when he went away i really didnt know what to expect... so when i tired to reach out to him 10 years ago...he pushed me away... I kept at it and we were strong ... then I started to want more in life... i wanted to see things...and do things that he could never do with me...or see with me...or give me... he was handed a 15-life sentence... so I pushed away... I was with other guys... dates and even had "real" relationship... things didnt work out...and he was there to pick me up...he stood by me until "i" was ready to commit all of me to him...He said he would wait until forever.... and although all I wanted was his friendship...we both knew that it would never be like that...we are drawn to eachother... and our love for eachother would beat out a friendship anyday....
I was 22 when I last had contact with him... and I was preganant.... he didnt care he was going to support me either way.... I was so scared to be with him... I wasnt living for me any more...i was living for the beautiful baby boy that was inside of me... I thought for sure that not answering calls.... letters...and completey ignoring him was the easiest way to go... I could not bare the fact that I would hurt him if i told him i wanted nothing to do with him again....so i just stopped answering him... I had my son and even though my heart was telling me not to... i married my sons father...because it was the "right" thing to do.... and soon I was pregnant again.... It has been 3 long years since he last tried to contact me... and I miss him.. things are not going good with my husband cause i just think he's not "it" for me I am sure that we will soon be separated.... he dosent treat me the way I want to be treated..and I myself know that I derserve so much better... I cant get "R" out of my mind... and I tried to write him and tell him where I am comming from...But still no answer... If he is tierd of dealing with me...and If he gives up... My heart will be broken...
So I guess here is my question.... DO you go with what your heart is telling you.... or do you do what you think is best... My heart is telling me that I need to see where "this" could end up... This is a chapter in my life that is still very much open... and I need to close it...Should I go for it...and try...and try again... or hold on to what me & my husband have worked for.... and hold on for my kids... This is probably one of the most difficult and confusing things that I have ever had to deal with...
You all are a bunch of awesome people.... and If I asked any of my friends they would say i was an idiot for even still thinking of him... but you guys know where I am comming from... to be in love with someone in prison is so hard... I guess i just need some insight... & most importanly...some real support....

Thanks for reading....

Wobabi · #2 04-14-2009, 06:13 PM

The only thing I see as an issue is right now you have no idea if HE has moved on with his life as well,,, on top of trying to fall back on a lifer.
Use your head,,your heart has no brain and if by what you are saying there is a chance to fix things with your husband and the father of your babies *I* would try DAMN HARD to do that above all else.
good luck!

IAmForeverHis · #3 04-14-2009, 06:39 PM

I had a similar situation before, but mine was a bit easier, as I was just living with another guy, not married, and we had no kids. But I was so unhappy. I couldn't stop thinking about my first love in prison, and I tried so hard to listen to my head and stay away, but eventually my heart won out and I contacted my first love. I am now back together with him, and am so happy. I can't be with anyone else, because I gave my heart away already.
So I say go with your heart. If you fight your heart, you won't be happy. But also do what is best for your kids. You need to take them into consideration as well. Good luck! I hope everything works out for you. PM me if you need to talk.

loveispatient13 · #4 04-14-2009, 07:08 PM

wow thats an incredible story im sorry to hear bout your situation but it seems to me that guys have crossed paths many times i say you give it one last try with your marriage really put your whole hear into it do it for you kids...BUT if that doesnt work i say you try and contact "R" and c where that goes your kids are very important BUT so is your happiness i saw my parents fight for years because they wanted to work it out for us but in realitly in hurt me more to see my parents more miserable together i much prefered them to be seperate but happy =] just a different point of view the way i see it is you have done what you think is best and it hasnt been working out maybe you should listen to heart for once and give it a try =] good luck and keep us updated!!

Lostwhattodo · #5 04-15-2009, 08:54 AM

Thank you all so much for your support and insight.... I guess I am going to wait a littlel longer to recieve a letter... & I will go from there.... If I get a letter and he already has someone...or if i dont get a letter at all... then I know where i need to be... I strongly believe that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON... & Loveispatient13....your right...i dont want to stay with my husband just for my kids...cause like you.,.. i grew up with my parent fighting all the time... and it hurt....but if nothing comes from this...and if he tells me its to late.... then i will try & fight with all my heart to work things out with my husband....

Wobabi · #6 04-15-2009, 09:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lostwhattodo

if he tells me its to late.... then i will try & fight with all my heart to work things out with my husband....

Lost please dont hinge your marriage on whether your dude will write back wanting to be with you if at the same time you WOULD FIGHT to stay with your husband.
Here is why I say so-A man with a Life tail in CA means he might not never come home. My first husband has 15-life and he has been in there going on 28 years.
Fight for your marriage first and then if things dont work fall back on your dude locked up-because for sure he really is not going anywhere no time soon.

Lostwhattodo · #7 04-15-2009, 09:15 AM

Hey....

WOBABI.... I totally get what you are saying.... & that's why Im still married... Isnt it supposed to be till death due us part.... when people get married its supossed to be forever...how did you know it was right for you to leave your husband... trust me ...getting a divorce was never what i intended.... but everytime i think of "R"... my heart feels like it will explode... Im so confused... i mean i am literally having sleepless nights over it... i hear the old songs that he dedicated to me and i get lost in them... is is stupid that i am this hooked on the situation....

pisces317 · #8 04-15-2009, 09:48 AM

it's not stupid to still have feeling for a man who's occupied alot of your youth,but your married now and older with kids so that would be something to really think about before trying to jump ship with the other dude,it seems that if he's still available you want to start something with him ,but then what happens to your marriage cuz it's possible he's available then what..............

Wobabi · #9 04-15-2009, 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lostwhattodo

Hey....

WOBABI.... I totally get what you are saying.... & that's why Im still married... Isnt it supposed to be till death due us part.... when people get married its supossed to be forever...how did you know it was right for you to leave your husband... trust me ...getting a divorce was never what i intended.... but everytime i think of "R"... my heart feels like it will explode... Im so confused... i mean i am literally having sleepless nights over it... i hear the old songs that he dedicated to me and i get lost in them... is is stupid that i am this hooked on the situation....

Lost- I left my husband because he had 15- life and they took conjugals away from Lifers in Cali

I knew I could not go any further without being able to have children and have him here to help me with them.
I think when children are in the picture and there is a father willing to work things out- you might have to sacrifice certain things for their well being. not everyone agrees with this.
but to *me* being in Love sometimes is not enough.

BlueEyedEllie · #10 04-15-2009, 10:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lostwhattodo

Hey....

WOBABI.... I totally get what you are saying.... & that's why Im still married... Isnt it supposed to be till death due us part.... when people get married its supossed to be forever...how did you know it was right for you to leave your husband... trust me ...getting a divorce was never what i intended.... but everytime i think of "R"... my heart feels like it will explode... Im so confused... i mean i am literally having sleepless nights over it... i hear the old songs that he dedicated to me and i get lost in them... is is stupid that i am this hooked on the situation....

i think sometimes it's much easier to "romanticize" your first love, or old feelings,etc. etc. i absolutely would agree you need to try and work things out with your husband. i think it's very unfair for you to compare your husband with "r". you and "r" have never raised children together, had to deal with bills,sicknesses, and everything else that can happen between 2 married people. it's easy to romanticize someone who you've never lived with. if you weren't married i'd say go for it,but because you took vows before God i'd strongly advise you to focus on your husband and do your best to work things out. take it from someone who's been there(divorced my first marriage because i wasn't "happy") it's just not worth it. think how your kids would feel not having their dad in the house anymore. if i were you i'd just really think things thru.

TedEBare · #11 04-15-2009, 11:56 AM

Very good advice, Marcsbeth. I romanticized my first love. We hadn't seen one in another in over 20 years. I finally saw him again about 8 or 9 years ago. Oh my, I was still so in love with him that it was like we had never parted. Unfortunately, it was JUST LIKE we had never parted. He STILL toyed with my affection. He STILL only had time for me when he had time for me. He STILL never grew up.

I still love him. But, now I am just friends with him. I know that he would make me positively, miserable. Am I sad about it? No. I now have REAL love, a REAL partner, a REAL man.

Lostwhattodo · #12 04-15-2009, 04:07 PM

So.... after some thinking.... i made up my totally confused mind... I am going to try with my husband... we have kids together and i owe it to them to at least try...i need to fight for us...for our family & for our future... I am going to go home to my husband tonight & tell him everything that needs to change in our relationship... i realize that there are a couple of things i need to change about myself as well.... im going to tell him i want romance...and i need help with my kids...and that i need some "me" time... but the most important im going to let me know that he needs to make an effort and treat me like i want to be treated... if he does... then i know that he is who i am supposed to be with... i am not asking for every day to be perfect... i just want more good days...then bad days...i want less day when we are biting eachothers heads off...but if he dosent change... this will be it and i will see where my life takes me... i know that if me & 'R" are meant to be... god will bring us togther.... I am going to pray for a sign... and see where all this takes me... thank you ladies for all your support and advice... you ladies are truley wonderful....
God Bless

IAmForeverHis · #13 04-15-2009, 07:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lostwhattodo

So.... after some thinking.... i made up my totally confused mind... I am going to try with my husband... we have kids together and i owe it to them to at least try...i need to fight for us...for our family & for our future... I am going to go home to my husband tonight & tell him everything that needs to change in our relationship... i realize that there are a couple of things i need to change about myself as well.... im going to tell him i want romance...and i need help with my kids...and that i need some "me" time... but the most important im going to let me know that he needs to make an effort and treat me like i want to be treated... if he does... then i know that he is who i am supposed to be with... i am not asking for every day to be perfect... i just want more good days...then bad days...i want less day when we are biting eachothers heads off...but if he dosent change... this will be it and i will see where my life takes me... i know that if me & 'R" are meant to be... god will bring us togther.... I am going to pray for a sign... and see where all this takes me... thank you ladies for all your support and advice... you ladies are truley wonderful....
God Bless

Good luck. I wish you all the best.

TedEBare · #14 04-16-2009, 06:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lostwhattodo

So.... after some thinking.... i made up my totally confused mind... I am going to try with my husband... we have kids together and i owe it to them to at least try...i need to fight for us...for our family & for our future... I am going to go home to my husband tonight & tell him everything that needs to change in our relationship... i realize that there are a couple of things i need to change about myself as well.... im going to tell him i want romance...and i need help with my kids...and that i need some "me" time... but the most important im going to let me know that he needs to make an effort and treat me like i want to be treated... if he does... then i know that he is who i am supposed to be with... i am not asking for every day to be perfect... i just want more good days...then bad days...i want less day when we are biting eachothers heads off...but if he dosent change... this will be it and i will see where my life takes me... i know that if me & 'R" are meant to be... god will bring us togther.... I am going to pray for a sign... and see where all this takes me... thank you ladies for all your support and advice... you ladies are truley wonderful....
God Bless

Try watching the movie "Fireproof" together. It's one AWESOME movie. Then, buy the book, "Love Dare". It's the background for the movie. Even if you don't take any of the religious aspects of it to heart, the 'dares' just may work!