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mrwalker · #1 07-01-2009, 06:27 PM

We were supposed to go visit my son for the first time on the 4th of July. We just found out today that HE doesn't qualify because of the amount of time in the rehab program. He doesn't qualify until Monday the 6th. I guess his caseworker and "other" officer couldn't decide what to do and just went with the official rules. I just spoke with my son and he's really okay with it. Because he's okay with it, I'm okay with it. However, my daughter-in-law was soooo looking forward to it that she's now just devastated. She's kept everything together with the four kids and has been so positive throughout this whole thing, I'm at a loss as to how to console her. The woman is a magnificent mother and adores my son. She's always worked and made good money. She does everything she can for my son, her support has been undying. She takes care of those kids and they're all well-adjusted and just great. I don't know what I can do for her!!! I know this is different than a lot of posts, but I need the advice of the smart parents in here. Most of the time we're trying to figure out how to support our children inside. I need to figure out how to support the woman who's bearing the brunt of all of this on the outside. We help her emotionally and financially when she'll let us, and usually she's so strong, but sometimes she breaks. I don't blame her. I just want to ease her pain/stress.

tigrldy · #2 07-01-2009, 06:51 PM

MRWalker, I don't know if there is really anything that you can to do help. I think she is going to need to come to terms with the disappointment herself. All you can really do is offer her your support and it sounds to me like she has that. Maybe you can treat her to something special just for her like a facial or a pedicure to pamper her. Great moms usually think of their kids first.

mrwalker · #3 07-01-2009, 06:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tigrldy

MRWalker, I don't know if there is really anything that you can to do help. I think she is going to need to come to terms with the disappointment herself. All you can really do is offer her your support and it sounds to me like she has that. Maybe you can treat her to something special just for her like a facial or a pedicure to pamper her. Great moms usually think of their kids first.

Thank you so much! When I'm caught up in something like this, I fail to see the smart thing to do!! All I can do is maybe take care of her a little bit and try to ease the situation. I'm pretty dense sometimes.

jancy · #4 07-01-2009, 07:41 PM

I just want to say I love the compassion and care you show this woman. how wonderful for you to think of her and want to help!

prsnmom · #5 07-01-2009, 07:54 PM

Just to pamper her a little and show her that you care would make her feel good. I am sure she knows you care but show her how much you appreciate her being there for your son and grandchildren and that you applaud her strength. I know sometimes a simple card spilling your heart out and describing her exactly as you did here would mean a lot to someone in her position. Read the little quote posted below and maybe put that in the card too:

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." author unkown

judean07 · #6 07-01-2009, 08:36 PM

Maybe you could tell her about us and we could give her to love and support she is in need of. Just a thought.

mrwalker · #7 07-01-2009, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by judean07

Maybe you could tell her about us and we could give her to love and support she is in need of. Just a thought.

What a tremendous idea! As much as I need/rely on all of you for support, I'm just the mom! She's his life's partner. She could use it so much more. Again, thanks to all of you. You really are a special group.

kj92363 · #8 07-01-2009, 09:25 PM

I have an idea.. how about a big ole 4th bbq with her and the kids, ice cream and all, The children can make a 4th of july card for daddy to take to him next week. Just do what grandmas do best take the time to relax unwind and have a funday and make it focus on the future visit take fun pics and all.... so they can be printed and taken to daddy and all of that.

mrwalker · #9 07-01-2009, 09:42 PM

You are the best!!! This is exactly what I needed. I thought I was okay with everything, but I was really sad. Now, having ideas of what to do, I'm moving forward. I'm blessed to have you helping me. What I do will be an example for my daughter-in-law!!!

kj92363 · #10 07-01-2009, 10:05 PM

Anytime your faced with a negative make a positive of it, In life anything sour if you add enough sugar to it it then becomes sweet. Your son even being in this situation. well it may be bad but it may be good think of the learning and the bettering for all involved this will be. God won't put anything upon us we can't handle. Same being this may be a great time to bring sure closeness between your daughter in law and you. It will all work out , we just have to always look forward and think positive

( sounds like a great time to buy some poster paints and let the kids really paint up some pictures.

boop's mom · #11 07-02-2009, 08:22 AM

My thought too was to have an impromtu 4th of July bash, I know how disappointed everyone has to be so try to make the best of the weekend and look forward to the next one when you can go and visit.

mrwalker · #12 07-02-2009, 09:13 AM

As I kind of stated before, I guess I can't see the forest for the the trees when I get in my own little world. All of you make things clearer for me when I ask for help.

addictsmom · #13 07-02-2009, 09:20 AM

You know what I am thinking??

I am a grandma raising my grandson and the best gift anyone could give me is some time off. If you are able, especially with 4 children, take the children for her for a weekend. Give her some time to shop by herself, take a nap, clean house, whatever. Time is the best gift possible. If possible, get other family members together and see if you all can give her one weekend a month off. You would be suprised how much this boost your well being and your ability to cope. Just a thought. (by the way, you are ONE LUCKY MIL)

Diane

mrwalker · #14 07-02-2009, 05:35 PM

We do get them every weekend. It makes life so much better for us. We're blessed that we have these beautiful kids around us. The oldest looks exactly like his dad when he was a little boy. The next in age acts exactly as his father did as a little boy. The next is a little girl who just slays me with her attitude! She's my favorite, but don't tell the others! Then there's the baby!!! She's the best behaved baby I've ever been around. It's almost scary. I believe these babies, all four of them, have saved my life!!!

mrwalker · #15 07-10-2009, 06:19 PM

We're very excited. His wife and I are going to visit him tomorrow for the first time!!! The kids don't get to come because we weren't aware until last weekend that they also needed to have applications filled out and approved. I guess they need absolute proof of the identity of everyone coming. We were under the impression that his children--5, 4, 21 mos and 5 mos, could just be there. It's not as if any of them could have possibly done something wrong to keep them from being there. My son sent the applications for us to fill out and we've mailed them back. I just don't know how long it will take for the prison officials to approve those. Despite that disappointment, we're thrilled. I'm nervous because I've never done this before, but just getting to give him a quick hug and talk to him face to face, without glass, is going to be great!!!!

boop's mom · #16 07-11-2009, 06:46 PM

Happy for you! I can't believe that kids that young need an app, here just a birth certificate under 12 I think it is. Let us know all the details. Enjoy that hug, it will keep you going until the next one

mrwalker · #17 07-12-2009, 12:38 PM

It was incredible!!! His wife and I drove up together. We were both pretty nervous. We were sitting at a table waiting for him and when he walked in we were both in shock. He was so very skinny! He's lost over 40 lbs. since February 23. But that huge smile across his face made me forget everything. It was a great hug!!! I think the best one ever!!! He was clearheaded and so very loving. We couldn't stop smiling the entire time. He held our hands so tightly. About two hours into the visit I realized that I needed to leave and give them the last hour or so alone. They didn't ask me to, it just occurred to me. So, I gave him a hug goodbye and kept the tears in until I reached outside. They were good tears. My son's head and heart are in a really good place. I'll see him again next weekend--AND WE'LL BRING HIS CHILDREN!!! After that, he'll be home before we know it!!! Thank you, ALL of you!!!

angel mathews · #18 07-12-2009, 01:29 PM

Soooooo Happy for you! the first hug is always the best. Just wait until his babies see him next week that will be one great visit also (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Angel

mrwalker · #19 07-12-2009, 06:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by angel mathews

Soooooo Happy for you! the first hug is always the best. Just wait until his babies see him next week that will be one great visit also (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Angel

You made me so very happy with your post!!! I felt like I had a real friend here!!!

meek84 · #20 07-12-2009, 07:48 PM

I remember the first contact visit I had with my son after 9 months of seeing him on a black and white video screen and talking through a phone. That hug...I'm surprised they didn't have to put weights on me to hold me down.

I'm so happy you got to experience that. And how very thoughtful to leave and give them some time "alone".

~M