Should I or better not (try to find my Dad after 20 yrs.)?

[J'sGrl]

Well, here's my dilemma (man, my live's one never-ending soap opera)....
My Mom and Dad divorced when I was a little kid, my grandparents got full custody of me (long story: basically my Mom was involved with a member of Scientology and my Dad and grandparents didn't approve of it, especially b/c that guy tried to keep my Mom away from her family and wanted to move to the US with her and me, plus he beat my Mom on a regular basis; my Dad wasn't ready to raise a child as he said - he was 19 when I was born).

Even after the divorce I regularly saw my Dad on the weekends, sometimes with his new girlfriend, sometimes without her. Then when I turned 6 things changed... he had financial problems (I don't know the whole story) and had to go into "hiding" for a while... but he promised to write, send cards for my b-day and all the major Holidays, said he'd call, etc... Long story short, I NEVER heard from him again.

Last year, my one grandma died (my Dad's mom) - the lawyers tried to locate my Dad (only nationwide though) without any luck. I'm sure that my grandma knew where he was (she once let it slip that he got married and has two kids), but whenever I asked her, she said no, she has no idea where he's at.

At first I thought that I did something wrong that made him "leave" me. Then there came a time when I thought to myself "well, that bastard doesn't care about me, doesn't call or write, if he doesn't want to know me - that's his loss, not mine".
This year, my Mom passed away, and for some reason I started to miss my Dad.
I was looking at baby pics and found quite a few of me and him together.
Then today, I went through my LP collection, only to find some that belong(ed) to my Dad. I just had to listen to them and the tears started rolling. I don't even know why.
Somehow I'd like for him to meet his grand-daughter (my little princess just turned 4) but then I think he doesn't deserve it.

I cannot explain it, but now I'm wondering if I should try to locate him or if I should just let it be. I would love to at least know the reasons why he left me like that, never called, never wrote. Does he even think of me at all?

Sorry this post is so long, but I'd appreciate some advice. Thanks for reading!

-Susanne-

[Blue Fish]

Wow, what a story! I think that if you want to see him again, and you want him to meet you daughter, than you should definitely try to find him! My only caution would be not to get your hopes up, you never know what situation you'll find him in.
Best of luck with this!!

[MrsWest11]

I agree with Amy...completely...I would try and find him!! Try and get them answers you've been wanting to know for 20 years. Good luck and my thoughts and prayers are with you!!!!
Selena

[strawberryKR]

My cousin jessica has the same problem. She is 18 and has never even seen a picture of her real dad. Her mom and dad meet when he was about 23 and she was 20 and they were traveling with the fairs and she found out she was pregnet with Jessica and he told her to go back home so she could seek doctor help and he would be there in a few months...well he never did and he ended up with another girla nd she was pregnet with his baby and they called jessicas mom and asked what "it" was. Pretty dead beat if you ask me but Jessica has never seen him, talked to him or seen his picture and it does bother her but she does not know weather or not she wants to see ever meet him!

[Tauliah]

Hey Sweetums. Deciding to look for your father is a tough decision you will have to make. You are suffering from severe losses right now so it is normal to reach back and wish for the unconditional love that should have been available to support you. It is important for you to know that he didn't leave because of you and that he didn't get in touch, doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Sometimes adults feel if they can't do it right, or make it right, maybe it is better to leave it alone. Make your decision with the end in mind. What kind of relationship would you want to have with him if you found him? What if he rejected you because of his other family? Don't ask the questions if you can't handle the answers. You are grieving but this too shall pass. Be careful that you don't open a can of worms that causes you to grieve more. But then on the other hand, your father may be waiting to reconcile this moment and this day and re-meet with his daughter and discover his granddaughter. Best wishes to you. Pray for guidance.

[mamawen]

When I read your post I thought about how much forgiveness we have for our men...lot's of the women on here have said their men cheated before, etc. And obvioulsy for us to have a loved one locked up, we tend to not be judgemental. I think what I'm trying to say is that why do we treat everyone else in our lives as good as we treat our men. Everyone deserves a second chance. I don't know how your father would react...perhaps it would hurt you more than you already are...perhaps it will be wonderful, and maybe even perhaps you'd both regret it. But...you won't know until you try, right? In my opinion, as long as finding him doesn't jeapordize anything about your current situation, I'd go for it.
Good luck and let us know what happens,
Wendy

[California Sunshine]

I am going to go against the grain here and say I'm not sure if you should or not.You have to be really positive that you want to do this and can handle it well no matter what the outcome.I say this only because my parents divorced when I was 1 and in the past 30 years since then my Father has been in and out of my life mainly out and honestly when he does call every few years feeling guilty it has just gotten to the point that I would really be better off having nothing to do with him then the one call every two years that pisses me off and makes me sad.My opinion is I have been w/o a father this long I don't need one now that may seem harsh but trust me there are many other reasons why I feel this way such as his being RICH and giving a half brother everything car,house,college $ but when I needed surgery and had no insurance he wouldn't give me a dime.....Anyways this is just my opinion on my relationship or lack of with my father....you have to do what you feel is right for you.I wish you the best of luck whatever you do!

[Roger's Girl]

I can only tell you what I have experienced. I agree with everything everyone has said. It is your decision. It could be a really good thing or a really bad thing.

I can understanding wanting to know why he never called or sent letters. Nothing on birthdays, christmas or just because. I havent seen my father since I was 7. That was 28 years ago. Since then I have talked to him twice, I can say the first time I talked to him (at 19) he totally destorted my perception of how the phone call should have gone. The second time I had to be very drunk before I could even handle the phone call. Not good for me.

People are different. Some people feel they have lost parts of themselves by not knowing a parent. Some people feel they are better off for never knowing a parent. I tend to believe the latter (for myself ). My older brother has found our father and is in touch with him. He has tried to get the connection you seem to be craving. We (my brother and I) dont even talk about it, I dont ask questions, he doesnt offer information. Our father seem to have had no problem going on and marrying other women and raising other womens children when he didnt even take part in raising the 4 he already had, I personally have no use for him.


I tend to think if he was truly concerned with his own children he would have found a way. He wouldnt have let years pass and have his children out of his life. Those were the decisions he made, now he has to live with it.

If you feel this is something you really need to do and you will benefit from it. I wish you luck and a happy reunion.

Above everything, please be careful. My heart goes out to you. Please let us know what happens.