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AmazingFire · #1 08-08-2010, 04:04 PM

I wasnt truly aware of this terrible pain i feel while in the process of walkin out of this relationship and marriage. My tears same so so thick and heavy and its stains my clothes and skin. I cry over the lost of our son together which was ealier last year. Yall, this has been my first marriage, first experince with carryin a child and end up losing him and the first time for these feelins like this for a guy. I wish he didnt hit me those times and blame me for them. I could only harden my heart when dealin with the court matters but deep within the nail is already in place in my heart. How do i cope through these weak times? How can i still smile or even hold me face up? Im overflowing now, i kno it. This is big to me and hurtful in every area. I need uplifting words and encouragement. My heart is pouring out.....

nimuay · #2 08-08-2010, 04:11 PM

Sweetheart, give yourself time. You are giving up a dream, and that's one of the most painful things humans can go through, and you're giving it up because he attacked you, one of the other most painful things.

If you don't start to calm down fairly soon (like within two weeks), then head off to the therapist. Domestic violence makes for big scars, and they can help the healing process, even though they can't undo the past.

*Firebrand* · #3 08-08-2010, 07:16 PM

Keeping Love Alive

Several years ago I was involved in a prison correspondence course taught by a woman named Gurumayi Chidvilasananda. Slowly and with much time, I came to realize that if I didn’t somehow find way to keep my heart warmed with the spirit of love while I was incarcerated that it was destined to grow cold on its own when bitterness, loneliness, fear, or hatred came calling to fill its place. Something is going to dwell within that temple whether it be a good thing or a bad one. That’s just the way it is. There really is no such thing as “I don’t care” in this life for us as humans. It’s more a matter of the things we care about being good for us and helping us to love ourselves or being bad things that cause us to self destruct. In a world full of choices and a life of free will there are no choices when it comes to caring. We all care about something if not many things, it’s just a matter of what those things are and the effect they have on us.

I started to put this together as a blog or a thread, but I couldn’t get far with it for some reason. I like to write a lot, but I’m in a slump right now. Maybe this is the Spirit moving me to talk to you today instead of the world at large.

Yes, it hurts I know. Anytime you give up as much as you have in this situation it’s going to, but don’t lose your perspective about the big picture. You started out on a journey with someone that was based upon the premise of love. You loved him, you wanted to have his baby and you wanted to create a loving family. It didn’t work out that way. What if you’d been 10 years farther into this relationship with him and learned then what you know now? It doesn’t change the fact that it hurts and there is some serious healing to take place. It also doesn’t change the fact that you have a lot to give that is needed in this world. You’re a lover, not a hater. You will move on with your life and I have no doubt that there is a lucky guy out there somewhere who doesn’t know what a blessed man he is to have you in his life. The both of you haven’t met just yet, but know in your heart that the best is yet come. That which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. At the moment you may not feel so strong, but you are. Take it one day at a time and look for good in others and what exists in the world. There is beauty and grace on this earth and deserve it all. Peace be with you, Sister.

AmazingFire · #4 08-08-2010, 08:39 PM

Thanks firebrand & nim. I do go to therapy twice a week. Im definitely workin hard on this. I have nowhere else to turn for a little comfront and advice so i post here. I dont wanna fall back. Im thinkin of ways to deal with this. So trust everythin anybody write is read and understood. Sometimes what i read is remembered. I play it a lot in my head to keep forward. Nim and firebrand, i think this is jus a time for the sorrow and the flow out but everyday im blessed. I dont wanna end up in the hospital over crying so bad and stressin terribly. Ive been there already. I feel like a sad story book or somethin. I done felt all the sad, hurt, pains, hate, love and etc type feelins. I wanna make sure i dont build up hate towards him from being that way with me. Im a girl where any people enjoy my company, look up to me, tells me there deepest secrets or whatever. And for someone to hear im being abused by my husband was extremely crazy. They would instantly get mad at him. I dont have a background of abuse.

nimuay · #5 08-09-2010, 05:03 AM

You're right, it is a time of sorrow.

Let me warn you about the "history of abuse" thing, though. It's not the only way to get involved with an abuser. Naivety, distant and cool/cold (but not abusive) parents, trauma, they can all lead us into the clutches of the strongly manipulative. They seem familiar to us somehow, and it's a deep familiar, very strong and unexplainable, at the beginning.