Okay, [Deep Breath] here goes...

[akaptrosa]

*Tickled*

So, a prisoner is more apt to change his criminal ways than a man who admits to using women in the past? Interesting. Seems like everyone is singing the tune, "Once a user, always a user" Yet, fail to sing, "once a criminal, always a criminal."

I've done a thing or two that I'm not so proud of and trust me, I've changed my ways. I'll admit to using a man or two, be it for sexual relations, money, appearance status, you name it. *Braces self, to be told I'm horrible by the PTO mob*

I would take note of how he refers to using people in the past and go from there. Some people grow up, others don't. You'll figure it out and us on the outside really don't have a clue any which way about this man. Best wishes to whatever you decide.

[tee.dot.q]

Umm. It's not the past, it's the *present*.

We overlook a *lot* of things in the past, that's rather stating the obvious. Most people can get over past bad behaviour if there is some indication of change. But current behaviour? That's a slippery slope and that's what we are telling the member.

Originally Posted by akaptrosa

*Tickled*

So, a prisoner is more apt to change his criminal ways than a man who admits to using women in the past? Interesting. Seems like everyone is singing the tune, "Once a user, always a user" Yet, fail to sing, "once a criminal, always a criminal."

[T'sBabygirl]

Originally Posted by tee.dot.q

A long time member here has a wonderful saying. It goes "when a man tells you something about himself - LISTEN"

hehe, as much as I hate Dr Phil, that's one of my favorite Dr Phil quotes! Except he doesn't say "a man", just "someone". I've tried to live by that for years. Often find it comes in handy with female friends, as well as men.

[T'sBabygirl]

Originally Posted by thatwiz

noone is just giving up their hard earned money if she didn't think she was in a relationship

How much you wanna bet she's on PTO callin herself wifey and has no idea?? Hell, it could be me! LMAO

[linksgirl]

Originally Posted by T'sBabygirl

How much you wanna bet she's on PTO callin herself wifey and has no idea?? Hell, it could be me! LMAO

That's too funny!

[KeithsWifeyxOx]

You know what? I give the dude PROPS. He kept it real with you. A lot of women DO get used for money (I've never heard of being used for sex, since they're in prison) but oh God, I could name a handful of inmates I personally know who are using women for the money. Please keep in mind that these women are very naive. They don't have much regard for themselves as women. Am I saying this applies to all women with inmates? NO, since I am one, but I've seen women who hand out money left and right, and it is SO easy for the inmates to sweep them off their feet. If you believe you have got a good head on your shoulders, you probably do. The fact that your eyes are open to the possibilities of starting a relationship with an inmate, shows that you're not an easy target.

[noregr3ts]

Thanks everyone for your helpful insight. I think I'm going to visit him and see what my intuition tells me. I'll keep you all posted, and tread lightly.

[KeithsWifeyxOx]

Originally Posted by Brian'slady

AMEN to that!!! Check out lovefraud.com. A REAL eyeopener!!! My BF sounds just like that. All those TV shows are right. They show men who date & even marry women for their $$$. Inmates do the same. Unfortunately it's hard to tell. It took me over 2 yrs. & it about killed me. I doubt I will EVER write another inmate. I think what he's doing is a very good sign he's a user/liar/cheat, just from MY experience. It sounds just like my BF. Sorry, but it really does. I don't want ANY girl to hurt the way I did. I told his other girls, but they didn't listen & got hurt very bad,Too. It's hard to believe the truth when you're in love. And they're such good liars/sweet talkers/charmers. Ask for copies of his phone list & visitor list. If he says you can't visit w/o telling him 1st - UH OH! Mine never did that, but I lived in CA & only visited once or twice a yr..

If he does those things to you, why is he still your boyfriend?
When it comes to your comment about people's "know it" feeling going away when they're in love, I don't believe it.
I've seen women who have been used after knowing the inmate for very short periods of time.
I think it has more to do with low self esteem. A lot of women who are used by inmates, know it, but they're too scared to face the facts. Being with someone who takes from them, feels better to them than being with nobody at all.
I am head over heels in love, but I have never been blinded to reality. I don't think it's about love blinding you, I think it's about what you feel you are worth.

[Damask8]

This situation is almost as exactly as i've seen a guy in my bf's pod treat another woman. he has two "sugar" mommas who are just "friends" and then he has his gf. they dont know about eachother, but he hangs on to the sugarmommas for money. He has told his gf she is just a "friend", but obviously the sugarmomma doesn't think shes just a "friend". He claims that he is IN love with his GF and the others are just to keep afloat, but the way i see him send messages through my bf for me to give to her, and the lies he constantly tells, Jay and I just have opted to STAY OUT of their lies and messages because we dont want to be wrapped up in that drama.
Honest or not, hes going to keep those other women around for the wrong reasons, whether he loves you for real or not, and that is simply disrespectful, to all parties involved.

[KeithsWifeyxOx]

Originally Posted by Brian'slady

Not everyone w/ an inmate has low self esteem, otherwise all of you would have it. I'm sure a lot do, but that's not all. I faced the facts. He gets stuff from a lot of girls, I know it & I choose to stay anyway. I do not give him stuff. I write/call once a week. That is it. In 3 yrs I gave him a book of stamps, some paper , and about 10 envelopes ONE time. I bought him some socks,underwear, tees and sweats one time(he actually wanted 2 more things,but I said no). I have sent used Christian books(5?), And a 6 mo. subscription to his hometown news paper once for $20. That's all.I don't feel I was used too bad. And the only thing he actually asked for was the clothes. The others he mentioned. But that was so he could say ,"I never asked you for anything." That way he looks good. That's how most do it. Once I knew what he was doing I had a choice of staying or leaving. I stayed. Just like anyone on here chose to stay or not when their man went in. Girls are alone for years and have no one there for comfort or any kind of help. To most people even THAT is weird. A lot of them spend lots of $ supporting their guy w/ whatever he needs.And even go broke doing it. The decision is just do you want to give him stuff, love him, and get not much in return, or leave. None of us can be with the guy and do things, so there's not much difference. You love and be there and give and he may love, be there and give back. Out of love or like or using. I don't stay with a guy because of low self esteem, even tho I do have that to a little extent. I like being alone. I don't date or ANY thing for 5 yrs at a time or sometimes less. I can take care of myself and do for myself. I don't HAVE to have a guy. So if I stay it's because I want to, not have to. I'm sure if I tried I could finally get a nice inmate, or even a guy out here. It's not like I've never had one. I guess I'm in my want to be alone time, but can kinda have one, but not here with me. So in a way we can both get a little something out of it. When I want to date again, I will. And he can be a friend or not. I believe in God, so I know He will tell me what to do, and in the right time. I think there's a reason for everything that happens in life and for every person who comes into it. I have learned a lot from this relationship and maybe have helped others, too, in a small way. And maybe even HIM!!! And I always pray that he will become a good man, whether I'm around or not! That's the important thing. I have a son who lives with me, I don't get rid of him either, just because I give him things. I love him, and I love Brian. It isn't like it was in the beginning, but it's still there & always will be to some extent. And as long as I have nothing going on with another man, I will stay, or until I'm told to leave.(By God or him) And I'm sure I will tell everyone here! LOL I can't have too low self esteem, I'm a child of the king!!! The apple of His eye! A guy is just something extra. Not a necessity.

You clearly did not pay attention to anything I said. In the meantime, instead of making this thread about YOU why not make your own so you can receive individual responses linked to what YOU'RE going through? This thread is about a whole different situation! You just wrote about 5 posts on your situation.

[~Shadowfax~]

Originally Posted by Brian'slady

Not everyone w/ an inmate has low self esteem, otherwise all of you would have it. I'm sure a lot do, but that's not all. I faced the facts. He gets stuff from a lot of girls, I know it & I choose to stay anyway. I do not give him stuff. I write/call once a week. That is it. In 3 yrs I gave him a book of stamps, some paper , and about 10 envelopes ONE time. I bought him some socks,underwear, tees and sweats one time(he actually wanted 2 more things,but I said no). I have sent used Christian books(5?), And a 6 mo. subscription to his hometown news paper once for $20. That's all.I don't feel I was used too bad. And the only thing he actually asked for was the clothes. The others he mentioned. But that was so he could say ,"I never asked you for anything." That way he looks good. That's how most do it. Once I knew what he was doing I had a choice of staying or leaving. I stayed. Just like anyone on here chose to stay or not when their man went in. Girls are alone for years and have no one there for comfort or any kind of help. To most people even THAT is weird. A lot of them spend lots of $ supporting their guy w/ whatever he needs.And even go broke doing it. The decision is just do you want to give him stuff, love him, and get not much in return, or leave. None of us can be with the guy and do things, so there's not much difference. You love and be there and give and he may love, be there and give back. Out of love or like or using. I don't stay with a guy because of low self esteem, even tho I do have that to a little extent. I like being alone. I don't date or ANY thing for 5 yrs at a time or sometimes less. I can take care of myself and do for myself. I don't HAVE to have a guy. So if I stay it's because I want to, not have to. I'm sure if I tried I could finally get a nice inmate, or even a guy out here. It's not like I've never had one. I guess I'm in my want to be alone time, but can kinda have one, but not here with me. So in a way we can both get a little something out of it. When I want to date again, I will. And he can be a friend or not. I believe in God, so I know He will tell me what to do, and in the right time. I think there's a reason for everything that happens in life and for every person who comes into it. I have learned a lot from this relationship and maybe have helped others, too, in a small way. And maybe even HIM!!! And I always pray that he will become a good man, whether I'm around or not! That's the important thing. I have a son who lives with me, I don't get rid of him either, just because I give him things. I love him, and I love Brian. It isn't like it was in the beginning, but it's still there & always will be to some extent. And as long as I have nothing going on with another man, I will stay, or until I'm told to leave.(By God or him) And I'm sure I will tell everyone here! LOL I can't have too low self esteem, I'm a child of the king!!! The apple of His eye! A guy is just something extra. Not a necessity.

Methinks thou doth protest too much...just sayin.

But I digress, sorry OP.

[gramsgems]

I would tread lightly! Ever heard the saying "Any port in a storm!" I would give him a chance for You because you'll always wonder. I do understand because I married in 86 to my love in AZ county jail. We have been up and down but He is my Love. Good Luck.

[tee.dot.q]

Alright folks, this thread has taken a left turn and we need to keep it on track. If anyone feels the need to vent about their own relationship - please create a new thread and please keep the comments in this one related to the OP.

Please see the OP below, should you need a refresher as to what this thread is about.

Thanks

Tee

Originally Posted by noregr3ts

I've read previously about women and their MWI's and how they used them for money, sex, etc. I'm not by any means a gullible woman. I don't fit the stupid (and completely inaccurate) profile that everyone thinks women who get with someone in prison are: I'm not ugly and I do NOT have low self esteem! I've got a good head on my shoulders- coupled with some street smarts. So. Now that I've tooted my own horn x 20... I'll say this:

It's the street smarts part about me that I think is messing with my head. I just posted my intro, but I'll say it again. I started writing my pen pal through a website that I found a couple of months ago. I chose him because we were interested in a lot of the same things, around the same age, and grew up in the same part of the state. Wanted to talk to someone who I had things in common with, you know?

Little did I know, I was sort of playing with fire. I started talking to a single guy, that I had a bajillion things in common with (and about that- he's honest when he's not interested in a lot of the things i am) who happened to be good looking and up for parole in December.

On the outside, what do you think would of happened? We would have started dating!

In his last letter, he told me that he had some definite feelings for me. He also went on to tell me that one of his pen pals (a woman, that I knew he wrote) was a little more than a pen pal, she wasn't a GIRLFRIEND in his words, but more of a sugar mama. They'd talk sexually and kind of, in return, she'd put money in his commissary and stuff like that. From what I understand, he'd talked to this sugar mama even when he and his girlfriend were together (now ex). He told me that when he and his gf broke up (she dropped off the planet and got married) he was heartbroken, because he thought that she was his soulmate. So I asked him this: if you thought she was your soulmate, why in the he** did you have your sugar mama on the back burner just in case? And how could I expect him not to do it to me too? Oh. I also added that if he expected me to put $$ in his commisary he was wrong. I'm a poor college student, so that ain't gonna happen no matter HOW I feel about him. [waiting on a reply] He also said that he felt like the way he was feeling about me was so intense that he felt awful keeping it from me- and that he was writing her a letter THAT DAY to let her know about me.

Here's the street smarts part. Do you think I should give him a chance? He IS being honest with me, and we've all made mistakes in our past (I've not been the most faithful in the past EITHER). Am I giving him too much credit? I still want to go visit him, well- depending on what his replies are to my questions. He just got transferred to a unit that is probably the furthest away from my location as physically possible, but I want to do it. I feel like if I see him maybe everything I'm feeling will be validated.

What do YOU think?

[noregr3ts]

Originally Posted by KeithsWifeyxOx

You know what? I give the dude PROPS. He kept it real with you. A lot of women DO get used for money (I've never heard of being used for sex, since they're in prison) but oh God, I could name a handful of inmates I personally know who are using women for the money. Please keep in mind that these women are very naive. They don't have much regard for themselves as women. Am I saying this applies to all women with inmates? NO, since I am one, but I've seen women who hand out money left and right, and it is SO easy for the inmates to sweep them off their feet. If you believe you have got a good head on your shoulders, you probably do. The fact that your eyes are open to the possibilities of starting a relationship with an inmate, shows that you're not an easy target.

I guess I should have clarified on the sex part, lol. I meant sexy pictures!

[noregr3ts]

Hey ladies! I have a little update on this situation that was a HUGE relief. Not only did he clarify that he started the sugar mama business once his ex disappeared for two months and came back married- he told me wasn't going to write her, or ANY female for that part. Also, the sugar mama and him were never on 'relationship' status- it was just playful.



Feels so good to know he offered that up without me even having to ask!

[noregr3ts]

Is it bad that I think that's kind of... hot? Haha! You're right it's not worth losing visits over- but still... heeheeee! I'd heard of that before, just wondered how!!

[xmyheart]

I just read this whole thread and I have to say that you seem like an intelligent person with a good head on her shoulders. I think it's good that he's clarified things with you and that he wasn't talking to the sugar momma at the same time as his gf. also he deserves credit for being upfront about things!! nobody is perfect. like others said, proceed with caution, keep your eyes open and trust your instincts. listen to your heart but don't forget your head!

[communicator]

Maybe I'm too cynical, but how do pen pals know ANYTHING that their guys tell them is true, except what can be gleaned from their posted rap sheets? Upfront? Chances are, he's creating a reality that he knows you can't check.

Ladies, please don't be gullible!