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kendra425 · #1 12-19-2010, 05:24 AM

My lifer is in the hole again.

From the first day in prison (3 years now) he has tried so hard only to find that being "good" doesn't keep a guy out of trouble and only seems to lower his level of respect from self-respect to that of the other men and even the guards. They have labelled him as "soft" because he tries so hard to avoid fighting. He has ALWAYS been a fighter in the past, but for me, he has quit and tries to do his time without any write ups, but he gets them anyway now for the most rediculous crap that it is obvious the guards are just picking on him because they know they can. If he tries to avoid fighting the other inmates try to intimidate him and he's even been attacked. If he tries to show respect to the guards they think he is a safe lifer to pick on and be "billy bad azz" towards. When I visited him today in the hole (he'll be there for Xmas) he showed me his write up. (He had asked to be moved to another work because a guard was being really harrassing, talked to his counselor, and even asked for time off because it was the anniversary of his dad's death.) No help. The guard kept staring him down and getting in his face, trying to provoke him. My lifer asked to speak to the Lt. and said that if the guard didn't quit harrassing him and let him do his job he was going to file a grievance... So the guard sent my lifer to the hole saying lifer was "threatening" to do what they tell the inmates TO DO if they have a problem with a guard. (Ask to speak to the Lt. and file a grievance) so how is that making a "threat" on this guard??? The guard also listed my lifer as having a "bad attitute" and a "smart mouth" and yet nothing my lifer said or did was actually listed on the report except saying he wanted to speak to the Lt. and file a grievance for being harrassed.

My lifer will most likely being able to contest this report because for one thing 3 other staff members witnessed the whole thing, but my lifer will have to spend the holidays in the hole with no contact visits and no phone calls while fighting it and he will spend as long (if not longer) in the hole to fight it. The other staff know my lifer just keeps to himself and tries to do his job and have considered him a "good worker."

What do I say to lifer when he says "see being good gets me into as much trouble as being bad?" What do I say to lifer when he says that he gets no respect? I have asked him to be good, follow the rules for me, for us... was that wrong??? His only chance of ever getting out was to have perfect behavior... to follow the rules. But this is prison and inmates who follow the rules are like high school kids with a "kick me" sign taped to their backs. Should I just let go of the dream and set him loose? Should I let him snap out and kick some azz???

moony · #2 12-19-2010, 09:21 AM

Hi Kendra,

I'm sorry for all this and I know what you mean. Sometimes lifer tells me such stuff, no matter how much good he acts, no matter what he does, when they feel like it, they get you anyway. It's like there is no way to avoid the moods of the guards, they do whatever they wants, just because they can.
What to say to him? I've no idea really, struggle with that too, what can I say. I think there might not even be the right words to say.

*hugs*

hizgirl123 · #3 12-19-2010, 09:23 AM

I think the first 5 years of incareceration is the hardest for our men. They need to prove themselves to the other inmates and establish some sort of respect for the staff and vice versa. It is ridiculous! But they are in a completely different world then we can ever imagine. I would say if he needs to kick some ass so the inmates leave him alone then kick some ass. As for the staff, not sure I'm going to ask my hubbs today.

I know he doesn't want to get write ups but in order for him to just "do his time," I think in the beginning he has to show that he isn't going to be pushed around. It's stupid but it's their reality.

My hubby got in some fights in the beginning of his sentence and some write ups, we are at the point now that if he gets any write ups I'm going to be pissed off. He has no problems with inmates or staff nowadays, so all he has to do is stay out of trouble and do his time. And you know the facility has so much to do with it to. The prison he was in down in Salinas hell was just that a trap with no programing, it was horrible. Now he is in the Disneyland of prisons, seriously!! When I entered the visiting room it was so relaxed I was like how am I suppose to act? They program and have alot better accomadations. LOL.........

Back in the beginning if someone would have said try and get a transfer out of that facility. I would have been all over it, so if your guy can transfer out somewherelse that could be an option. However, sounds as though he needs to stand his ground!!

It sucks being in the hole anytime but especially through the holidays. Last year mine was because of getting transferred you go to the hole until you move, so I know how you feel!! Just send him lots of mail, crossword puzzles, anything you can think of to help him out. Their minds play tricks on them when their back there, nothing to do and I'm pretty sure no TV either.

Don't let your dream die either!! He has plenty of time to be good and stay out of trouble later in his sentence. Let him do what he has to do right now. Don't encourage him to join any gangs or groups though!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is another post.

Okay going to get ready to go visit.

Gina

Heluvedme1st · #4 12-19-2010, 09:29 AM

Well he's in Prison the dudes usually test the nice guys... I went through a similar situation when my Husband first went in... He earned his respects and now they don't mess with him... But aslong as he was nice and laughing and joking with everyone they took him for a push over and that's not the case at all... I know the time that they are in the hole is hard but just hang in there

irishcanuk · #5 12-19-2010, 11:30 AM

Im with ya ladies, my man says the same thing. As he has not had any write ups in two years the rest of the guys think he is a walk over. They push and try to provoke him every day. what the hell are our men supposed to do, just take it day after day after day? But when they stand up for themselves and challenge the people doing it, they end up in the hole and with misconducts tarnishing their record, which means a transfer to a medium is jeopardized. its a vicious circle. I dont have the answers either. My guy has been a fighter his entire life and now that he has turned the corner and give up aggression he is being targeted by other inmates and guards to see how far they can push him....if anyone has a solution I would love to hear it too...

Im sorry your man is in the hole especially over the holidays, that is scandaleous.

nypurple · #6 12-20-2010, 08:32 AM

I cannot tell you what to tell Rob, I can only relate what Lifer has told me, and what I have witnessed.

He went to prison at a very young age; not that there weren't others in the same boat, he was not unique; but in order to survive he was not good. When provoked he fought back, when pushed by CO's he spoke up. He spent many a month in the hole; he spent many a year in the hole. In the first 10 years he had a lot of tickets........

As time passed, he matured and became one of the 'old timers'. LIFE settled. Although as recent as 2008 he went to the hole for an altercation with another and in 2009 he went to the hole because someone dropped a ticket on him. (totally false - accused him of trying to escape - Give me a break)

So even when you are good, your not. Even when trying to blend into the background, you appear to be wearing neon orange.

Doll Eyes · #7 12-20-2010, 09:39 AM

Kendra ~ I am sorry to read of this. It's is such a catch 22, isn't it?

Doesn't matter what they do, or say, it will always be wrong, and if the CO has it out for him, then there's not stopping it. Lifer doesn't tell me much about what goes on behind those walls, as he doesn't want to bring me into his hell.......they may be inmates, but the are STILL human, but no one in that prison seems to care. I know when Lifer starts to feel the "heat" he lays low, real low.

So sorry he has to spend the holidays in the hole. *hug*

Peach&Cream · #8 12-20-2010, 10:47 AM

oh kendra im sorry for the way things are right now ((hugs))

hisgirl123 mentioned something i was thinking about while reading your original post... the first few years got to be the roughest, it's the adjusting period of it all... it cannot be taken in all at once. it happened in increments for my lifer ~ i met him while he was in county heading into trial - I've been there to witness his adjustment to the sentence and the system (individually), it was awfully difficult and sad to say the least - although he's gotten to a stable place in his term and the system, it still gets the best of him sometimes and that's when his family and I step in hardest with; encouragement, love and visits ((if you were to ask him how well that works... he'd tell you, he's blessed to have us in his corner and we work it well)) ((Rob is blessed to have you in his corner!))

you say that many consider rob as "soft" because he's trying to do well and stay out of trouble, but what those idiots fail to accept in their own lives is that, we're NEVER stronger than the moment we admit we're weak! it takes fatter balls to be humble and on the right side of things, cowards are quick to act in anger and express it.

hizgirl123 · #9 12-20-2010, 11:01 AM

He is very lucky to have you, be the light in that dark tunnel he is in right now. Hang in there!!

dragon_92503 · #10 12-20-2010, 03:06 PM

This is why I don't press my husband to "play nice" on the yard. I'm fully aware of what they have to endure in there. So even though I may not like what it is that he has to do to survive in there; I accept the times where he has to handle things on the yard and lands in the SHU. It sucks but it is the price we pay for loving who we love.

kendra425 · #11 12-20-2010, 05:14 PM

Thank you all for your support.

A close friend said to me that I was "strong" and that I had "been through this before." But what she didn't realize is that isn't exactly accurate... let me explain.

When these things have happened (like when we lost visits and phone calls for a very long while only about a year ago) I got distant and a little bit less alive. It felt safer to turn off my feelings and to build walls between lifer and I. I really didn't even WANT to start our visits again because I said I didn't want to have any thing we could lose. I didn't want to feel that joy of seeing him because of the pain when it gets taken. This is exactly what I was AFRAID would happen, the minute I started to get "use" to visits and phone calls they got taken, the "sucker punch" from the system. I had just let down my defenses. Lifer had been trying and trying to get me to this point of opening myself back up to him, and it isn't his fault that I got hurt but I didn't have the walls up or the guard up anymore, so I was crushed... again. But if I kept the walls up and the guard up it would have caused the passion to have died. I couldn't not have stayed numb or the romance would have been dead. It's all or nothing. So I am his kryptonite. Yes I give him hope and a reason to keep going, but I am also the source of his greatest fears, that my fragile heart will no longer be able to take this constant heart break and I'll give up like the majority of people do.

So I'm trying to hang in there and work on myself. I have to find that loop hole in my heart where I can hold on without breaking down. I have to find the strength inside of the weakness, like the sapling that bends in the wind. If I am too rigid I will shatter, so I have no other choice but to stop trying to fight it and just let it out. I hate to cry. But I need a cleansing and a purging... to let go of being strong and release it. My favorite prayer has always been "Lord, I don't ask for an easy life, but for the strength to live the life I have been given."