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zach's mom · #1 12-27-2010, 11:09 PM

Hello there. I’ve been lurking here since finding this site on Christmas day. I just couldn’t believe how there were so many other moms that were feeling a lot of the same feelings and frustrations that I have been on a daily basis for a while now. My 20 year old son, Zach, was arrested this past summer on dui and drug charges. Being my youngest, I was scared and raced to bail him out. I did this despite what has been a very tense relationship between us for the past few years. His two older brothers and sister have all matured and are either engaged or married with families of their own. They may not have been angels 100% of the time, but they were never in any trouble with the law, or anything like that. I keep having the recurring thought of “what didn’t I do right" or “what did I do wrong…” One of the most frustrating things is how I don’t think he even sees himself in the wrong. Instead, it’s like he just thinks he was unlucky and got caught! It’s like he has blinders on because he can’t see how he is destroying his own life. It’s sort of difficult to explain, but it’s like he only sees the things he’s done as only wrong in my eyes, and not wrong in his.

I can’t help but to blame myself, either. Zach’s father and I were still married while raising my oldest two children, and while our third had begun college. Zach is quite a bit younger, and his father and I separated when he was in middle school. By his sophomore year in high school, Zach’s father and I had divorced and he had moved away. Zach’s was an A student until his senior year, when he began hanging out with his friends and partying more. I feel at fault for this point in Zach’s life, but it was so hard trying to raise a 17/18 year old by myself. He did really well on his SAT’s and I was crossing my fingers that he would begin to grow up after starting college the next fall, and the worst of the growing pains would be behind us. However, Zach’s first semester allowed him to make more “friends” and some girls he met got him involved with modeling last spring. He ended up in the party scene, and hanging out with all sorts of people. Ironically, however, he was back at home when he got arrested this past summer.

Zach’s been in county since the first of the month. It was something I had been dreading for several months, and had hanging over my head for Thanksgiving. I had hoped that I would be able to enjoy Christmas with the rest of my children, but I couldn’t keep from dwelling on Zach. I know I can’t do anything about it, but I worry about him so much of the time. Deep down, I don’t feel like he’s safe in there, and then I resort to analyzing what I did wrong, what I could have done different, if it would have changed things, and so on. It can get to be tormenting.

I’m glad I found this place. It’s really helped to have read some of your stories here. Eventually, I felt like writing and sharing all this might help. If you’ve made it through to this point, thanks for listening.
Katie

mrsrimoldi · #2 12-27-2010, 11:38 PM

Hi Katie!
I'm glad you found us! Having a grown child in jail or prison is such a hard place to be, having others who understand helps! It doesn't fix but being able to express our feelings does help us.
We all suffer with the guilt and think I should have done this or I could have done that. Right after my sons arrest a friend, who's son was in the military and arrested while in Iraq (national news), phoned me to tell me do not give into the would of could of should of's. She said it's a waste of time and energy and doesn't help anybody. You did the best you could. Life isn't always fair, we've all been dealt a low blow or two. My sons father was an alcoholic and I left him when my sons were young, I stayed in the same state as him because I thought that was in the best interest of my children. I was wrong. I can't go back and remake that decision, I did what I thought was right. You and your ex husband did what you thought was right. Your son made the decision to drink and drive even though everybody knows that is a bad decission. If he gets it while in jail then good if not well then he will probably have to repeat his stay. I Pray he has a light bulb moment while locked up the first time! Write your son a few letters while he's in~ it'll give him stuff to think about and he will think about what you say so choose your words well.
Again welcome to the parents forum here at PTO,
Hugs to you

Missymama · #3 12-27-2010, 11:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zach's mom

Hello there. I’ve been lurking here since finding this site on Christmas day. I just couldn’t believe how there were so many other moms that were feeling a lot of the same feelings and frustrations that I have been on a daily basis for a while now. My 20 year old son, Zach, was arrested this past summer on dui and drug charges. Being my youngest, I was scared and raced to bail him out. I did this despite what has been a very tense relationship between us for the past few years. His two older brothers and sister have all matured and are either engaged or married with families of their own. They may not have been angels 100% of the time, but they were never in any trouble with the law, or anything like that. I keep having the recurring thought of “what didn’t I do right" or “what did I do wrong…” One of the most frustrating things is how I don’t think he even sees himself in the wrong. Instead, it’s like he just thinks he was unlucky and got caught! It’s like he has blinders on because he can’t see how he is destroying his own life. It’s sort of difficult to explain, but it’s like he only sees the things he’s done as only wrong in my eyes, and not wrong in his.

I can’t help but to blame myself, either. Zach’s father and I were still married while raising my oldest two children, and while our third had begun college. Zach is quite a bit younger, and his father and I separated when he was in middle school. By his sophomore year in high school, Zach’s father and I had divorced and he had moved away. Zach’s was an A student until his senior year, when he began hanging out with his friends and partying more. I feel at fault for this point in Zach’s life, but it was so hard trying to raise a 17/18 year old by myself. He did really well on his SAT’s and I was crossing my fingers that he would begin to grow up after starting college the next fall, and the worst of the growing pains would be behind us. However, Zach’s first semester allowed him to make more “friends” and some girls he met got him involved with modeling last spring. He ended up in the party scene, and hanging out with all sorts of people. Ironically, however, he was back at home when he got arrested this past summer.

Zach’s been in county since the first of the month. It was something I had been dreading for several months, and had hanging over my head for Thanksgiving. I had hoped that I would be able to enjoy Christmas with the rest of my children, but I couldn’t keep from dwelling on Zach. I know I can’t do anything about it, but I worry about him so much of the time. Deep down, I don’t feel like he’s safe in there, and then I resort to analyzing what I did wrong, what I could have done different, if it would have changed things, and so on. It can get to be tormenting.

I’m glad I found this place. It’s really helped to have read some of your stories here. Eventually, I felt like writing and sharing all this might help. If you’ve made it through to this point, thanks for listening.
Katie

Hi there Katie and welcome to pto. Sounds like many of the beginnings many of us have had and hopefully, Zack will come to see just how things are and that will be that. I am sorry that you've found yourself in a place where you'd look for us, as no one wants to be in this predicament, but this is a terrific source of encouragemnt and wisdom. Settle in, get comfortable and hang on...we are here and again, welcome.

Niki · #4 12-28-2010, 01:18 AM

Welcome to the parents forum and to PTO, Katie. I'm glad that you decided to stop lurking and post your story because now we can help you cope with your son's situation. Your son's reaction to being arrested is not uncommon for a first timer. They don't seem willing to admit that they actually did something wrong to land themselves in jail, preferring to place the blame on the judicial system for making up the silly laws or the cops for interfering when they were just starting to have fun. Particularly when the arrest is drug and/or alcohol related it just never occurs to them that their own poor choices are the real problem. Looking on the bright side, maybe he will be one of the smart ones who, by the time he's free again, will realize that drugs, alcohol and DUI are not going to lead to a happy life. But for now be thankful that he's alive, sober and out of harms way.

You are probably going to hear this alot from other folks here but please try not to blame yourself for your son's poor choices. Even though his homelife may not have been perfect I'm sure he was raised to know right from wrong just like your other kids did. There are plenty of kids who grow up in single parent households who do not develop drug and alcohol problems just like there are kids who grow up in "perfect" Ozzie and Harriet homes that are drug addicted alcoholics. Your son made a choice to use drugs and to drink and drive. He got involved with a party crowd at college but that doesn't make it any less his fault because others were doing it.

It's totally normal to be a bit worried about your child in jail. But the truth is, unless he starts acting a fool or looking for trouble, he's going to be just fine in there. This is all new to you so I'd expect you to be upset and preoccupied with his situation. Most of us have a hard time getting through the holidays without our children and it doesn't get much easier year to year if they are in custody for a long time. But don't for a minute think that there was anything you could have done to change the outcome. Your son is an adult and he made his own choices.

I'm glad that you decided to share your story with us and I hope you'll come back often and join in on our discussions or start a new one. There's always someone here to help or provide support and understanding. Hugs....Niki

SUEA · #5 12-28-2010, 07:45 AM

Hi Katie -

Our stories are very similar. My 19-year-old son was just arrested last week, 3 days before Christmas, for the first time, and is facing serious felony charges at this point. (Of course, all this is subject to change, since he hasn't had his trial yet or even met his lawyer.)

Young, made a dumb mistake, hung out with the wrong people, divorced parents, bad relationship with his dad - it all all applies to my son. He is in county right now, not sure where things go from here.

PM me if you need to talk. I'm laid off from work right now, so I'm here pretty much all day - except when I go to see him this evening.

Sue

mardavjar · #6 12-28-2010, 02:52 PM

Hi Katie,

Glad you found this website. I agree...it is surprising how many of us are in the boat. You will find tons of support and advice here and we all vent occassionally.
Welcome!

zach's mom · #7 02-10-2011, 08:53 AM

It's been a while since I posted, but Zach hasn't had shoes for some time now, and I didn't know what I should, or could, do to try and see that he ets something to wear on is feet... btw, he's in protective custody.

szcunane · #8 02-10-2011, 04:58 PM

my son is also in a protective custody situation - it has it's good points and it's bad - - at least he is safe. About his shoes - I don't there is much you can do that won't cause trouble for him. He may need to file a grievance - that usually gets some response. my son had to do it for medicine. It's hard not to worry about our kids, I'm learning to take it one day at a time. Hope you can, too.

string of pearls · #9 02-10-2011, 06:58 PM

If Zach has no shoes, perhaps he could buy a pair through the commissary. He will need enough money on his account to do so. You might ask him if shoes are on the commissary list and their cost.

sivils1973 · #10 02-11-2011, 02:52 AM

There is a point, when every person becomes totally responsible for their own actions, God himself says that He does not hold the parent accountable for the sins of the son, nor the son for the sins of the parent. Each person can only account for himself or herself. Do not allow your self to second guess the upbringing of this child, you have proved successful with the good results of your other children. You will only add unnessesary torment to your emotions. But we all have a tendency to think this way as parents, so if you wander into this thinking, don't beat yourself up about it, just get back on track as quick as you can, especially by thinking about the successes of your other children.

jancy · #11 02-12-2011, 08:00 AM

time for zach to grow up. sounds like he has the brains to figure out how to make a better life for himself if he can only stop feeling so entitled.
you have gotten a lot of good advice here, read it over and over as Iwould have said much of the same...give yourself a break.

he is gonna make it and so are you. spend time wtih your other kids while Zach is learning this powerful lesson that might change the rest of his life.

sleepless in Tu · #12 02-12-2011, 09:41 AM

Please stop secon guessing yourself.No one here can see 5 minutes into the future let alone how a decided act is going to affect the outcome years and years down the road.It sounds like your son had opportunities that many of our kids will never have!It was his choice to toss the good grades and college away for a party lifestyle that lead him to be arrested and placed in jail.Also, in protective custody they usually remove the regular prison/jail clothing and dress them in amanner by which they can not use anything to harm themselves.Maybe this is why he is shoeless.

amaslow · #13 02-12-2011, 01:00 PM

Katie, It is so hard to raise kids by yourself, particulary a boy. They need strong male role models..I know ALL about blaming yourself.. We may not have done everything perfectly, but I see kids who grew up in bad situations who do well.. It is complex.. Blaming yourself will not help.

Did you say if he has been sentenced? My advice is let him take his lumps now.. If he gets off light now,, much greater chance of having to do this over and over. Are you in touch with him? Is his father? Do you know why he is in PC?

mates001 · #14 02-12-2011, 02:50 PM

Zach's mom, I am a mom too and here's what came to mind when I read your post. I wrote my son a couple of weeks ago and informed him I had broken up with this man I was dating for 3 months. He wrote back to me that he always thought I'd end up with a woman anyway. I am in the process of writing back to him " if you believed that, then you had two male role models growing up.....So what happened?"
They sure can throw it at us to make us believe it's our fault. And if they don't, we can make it up all in our heads anyway. Don't believe it.

zach's mom · #15 02-14-2011, 10:55 PM

I really appreciate the advice and support from the several of you recommended that I not blame myself for Zach's incaceration. It's hard to do, especially when my other children that have turned out ok, had both my husband and I as parents. It's not that I disagree with any of you it's just that it's hard to not to want to blame myself...

Zach has been sentenced and will be in ajil until August. I've been visiting him regularly, at least once every two weeks, bt his father hasn't, and likely won't, visit him while he's in jail.

I don't know why Zach was moved to PC. In fact, I was away when he was moved to it, however, his sister was visiting at the time. It would be very confusing for me to think they could have thought of him as being in danger of harming himself, but from what his sister said he was having to wear (some type of short and skimpy hospital gown) for about a two week period, that may have been the reason. I know he had been suffering some harassment before they moved him... Although he was upset about it, Zach isn't the type to take his own life - especially over a 9-month jail sentence...

Quote:

Originally Posted by amaslow

Katie, It is so hard to raise kids by yourself, particulary a boy. They need strong male role models..I know ALL about blaming yourself.. We may not have done everything perfectly, but I see kids who grew up in bad situations who do well.. It is complex.. Blaming yourself will not help.

Did you say if he has been sentenced? My advice is let him take his lumps now.. If he gets off light now,, much greater chance of having to do this over and over. Are you in touch with him? Is his father? Do you know why he is in PC?