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MsJamieLynn · #1 10-27-2009, 01:05 AM

What do you do when the one who has abused you, the one that you got away from, does nothing but talk about how if he doesnt have you anymore hes going to kill himself? Right now, my soon to be ex husband is messaging me on Yahoo saying he wants tonight to be "the night", so badly. Hes just explaining how hurt he is, how ashamed, how he doesnt want to live without me, Im the only one for him. I dont want to feel guilty, but he makes me feel guilty for going. "If I wouldnt of done what I did, he wouldnt of abused me so badly that night and therefore we would still be together". It seems like for every 2 steps I take forward, he drags me back another 18!

**frostwoman1954** · #2 10-27-2009, 06:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MsJamieLynn

What do you do when the one who has abused you, the one that you got away from, does nothing but talk about how if he doesnt have you anymore hes going to kill himself? Right now, my soon to be ex husband is messaging me on Yahoo saying he wants tonight to be "the night", so badly. Hes just explaining how hurt he is, how ashamed, how he doesnt want to live without me, Im the only one for him. I dont want to feel guilty, but he makes me feel guilty for going. "If I wouldnt of done what I did, he wouldnt of abused me so badly that night and therefore we would still be together". It seems like for every 2 steps I take forward, he drags me back another 18!

You and ONLY you have the power to allow this man to guilt trip you. Abusers are notorious for the behavior he is exhibiting. I don't mean to sound unkind, but if he kills himself, remember you didn't hold a gun to his head, but chances are this is just another ploy, another lie. Hold strong, love, and don't fall for it.

Madeline

TedEBare · #3 10-27-2009, 07:26 AM

MSJamie, please, please, please don't fall for this. YOU are NOT responsible for HIS choices. EVER.

I lived with a man for 5 years that emotionally abused me time and time again by saying that he would kill himself if I ever left him. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and I left him. Months later, I heard that he had "tried" to kill himself. Now, this man was VERY smart. He had diabetes and heart problems and had A LOT of drugs at his disposal. He knew exactly how to kill himself. Instead, he took just enough medication to scare his mother half to death and she called 911.

It's been 5 years. He's just fine. But, he still emotionally blackmails women. For some reason, this man THRIVES on pity.

nimuay · #4 10-27-2009, 07:51 AM

Simply enough - If he can't kill you then he'll kill himself? Oh please! It's still all about him! And he's so "hurt" because of what - did you take a baseball bat to him? No, you just removed what's called his 'narcissistic supply'. Look that phrase up and you will feel disgusted rather than guilty. And he's far too self-involved to actually kill himself (unless, of course he HAS killed you and realized he's cut off his supply).

Abusers are parasites, living on your fear, your adoration. When they don't have it they go into an emotional frenzy. They will do and say anything to get their food supply back.

Fundamentally, you have to think of him as simply a parasite. Change your Yahoo settings to block him, change whatever you have to do to stop him contacting you - like a restraining order! Then if he violates it he's got more legal troubles.

monkeyseesall · #5 10-27-2009, 08:09 AM

I would give him the 1-800 number to suicide prevention and wish him luck. You don't deserve to be manipulated and made to feel guilty. He is a grown man and it's his decision. If someone truly wants to kill themselves then they will. You need to put you and your child first, don't fall for his scare tactics.

**LeBeau** · #6 10-27-2009, 08:28 AM

Don't fall for it.
Statistically, it's nearly certain that he's not going to kill himself. This is a common tactic among abusers but it's nearly always just another manipulation.
It is so common that it's been known to make perfectly nice, compassionate women want to ask "Well, if you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?"
It's 99.993% likely to be an empty threat, just an attempt to make you do what he wants.

In the very, very unlikely event that he does try to harm himself, that is still something for which you bear absolutely no obligation or culpability.
You are not, in any way, responsible for his choices. You are responsible for your choices and your choice was not to allow yourself to be controlled or abused.
It's a good decision, stick to it.

Change your contact settings and do not let him lead you through another round.

If there is no restraining order in place, get one. If there is one, report the violations.

**Onedaycloser13** · #7 10-27-2009, 08:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostwoman1954

You and ONLY you have the power to allow this man to guilt trip you. Abusers are notorious for the behavior he is exhibiting. I don't mean to sound unkind, but if he kills himself, remember you didn't hold a gun to his head, but chances are this is just another ploy, another lie. Hold strong, love, and don't fall for it.

Madeline

I agree, when we are in these situations we don't realize how we allow them to treat us a certain way by not putting our boundaries up. He is doing all this because he knows that you will have sympathy for him. If it didn't work he wouldn't do it. Took a long time for me to understand that myself. Anyway, my father used to do the same thing to my mother. Guess what, he never did it. It was just a way for him to get sympathy and weasle his way back in. Finally when she had enough, she told him he and only he had the power to feel the way he does, and if he was serious he needed to get help. He quit his threats and eventually all other tactics, because none would work anymore. Eventually he moved on to another victim. Give him the suicide hotline number, and let him know that his feelings are his, and has nothing to do with you. This will hard and probably hurt, but in the end, it keeps the control in your corner, and limits his ability to manipulate you. Do not feel guilty, again, he is responsible for his feelings and his actions. My mother always taught me no one makes you feel a certain way or act a certain way, only you have control over that.

Santoyo76 · #8 05-18-2011, 09:27 AM

I agree abusive man use that line up my xs try that on me and to be honest not to sound cold hearted I told him do it I was tired of feeling traped guilty ect hes alive and in jail today crazy but wen I told him to do it he looked at my crazy my aunt hung her self wen I was lil I knw a person thats really over there life gets up and dose it no need to tell.anyone true

haswtch · #9 05-18-2011, 09:37 AM

The last time Captain Amerika threatened to off himself, I told him I'd rather he didn't but it was his business and went to sleep. He was still alive the next day. It was a lot easier on BOTH of us than the crying and please, please you have so much to live for bit. (This was someone I was still with at the time.)

Free Again · #10 05-18-2011, 09:22 PM

If he is soooo ashamed of what he did, WHY is he still blaming YOU for it?. What a pathetic attempt at manipulation this is.... My ex used to tell me he was going to drive headlong into oncoming traffic on his way home from visitation, that the damage done to the ppl in the other vehicle would be on my head also. The depths they are prepared to sink to should not astound me, inexplicably, it does.... I got so annoyed with it all that I asked him to at least redeem himself a little bit by choosing a tree in the middle of nowhere instead of another human being, he never mentioned again after that and I never understood why not.... (LOL). He moved on to a new victim instead.

shygal29 · #11 07-02-2011, 06:02 PM

my ex use to say that all the time too. I finally told him if you say it one more time I'm going to have you 96ed meaning put away for mental evaluation...he knew I was serious and never said it again...his freedom meant to much to him....

LeStrange · #12 07-04-2011, 01:18 AM

I would block his e-mails and IMs and IGNORE him and his pathetic games. He either does it or he doesn't. Either way the key word is EX so I take it y'all are no longer together so why should you concern yourself with him and what he does? Give him the number to the national suicide hotline, block him and move on.

MKW · #13 07-04-2011, 07:08 AM

what's awesome about abusers is that most of the time when you start talking to other people about their behavior, you realize that they all use the same tricks and techniques! It's like reading a user's manual... "abusing for dummies"

People who really want to commit suicide don't threaten others. Either they talk to people about their depressed state, either they don't say anything, do it, and succeed. They don't blackmail you or try to make you feel guilty.
When one of my exs played that game with me some years ago, I think everybody around him would have been better off if he had actually killed himself (not just threatening and faking it)

I'm cruel I know!!

dshsjs4ever · #14 07-04-2011, 07:22 AM

If he said he.would kill himself ... Believe him .. I had a ex tell me that. And like everyone else in her. I was like ok what ever.... He was a very nasty verbal abuser. I cut him off completely.. cold turkey .. and the next I hear about him is he shot himself in the head. I feel.very guilty sometimes but then sumtimes its scary because I sleep with him eat with him go.places with him and all ppl do in relationships..... I thought I knew him well. And thought that he would never do that.

prettywings773 · #15 07-04-2011, 10:36 AM

I agree with the poster who says to have him committed. This is the classic abuser cycle. You got away, next time you may not so do not fall for it. You need to block him. get a protection order and keep note of all communication he makes to you because that is a violation and you need to follow through with it. good luck.

**LeBeau** · #16 07-10-2011, 08:44 AM

You have nothing to feel guilty about, you did not do the damage that made him who he was and your experience was the exception, not the rule- The vast majority of abusers who threaten suicide are not serious and not at risk of harming themselves. It's just part of the manipulation process and as harsh as I know this is, it is no woman's responsibility to protect a guy from himself at the expense of her own safety, well being and happiness.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dshsjs4ever

If he said he.would kill himself ... Believe him .. I had a ex tell me that. And like everyone else in her. I was like ok what ever.... He was a very nasty verbal abuser. I cut him off completely.. cold turkey .. and the next I hear about him is he shot himself in the head. I feel.very guilty sometimes but then sumtimes its scary because I sleep with him eat with him go.places with him and all ppl do in relationships..... I thought I knew him well. And thought that he would never do that.

yourself · #17 07-10-2011, 12:52 PM

Call the cops. Tell them that he's threatening to kill himself. They'll take him to the local locked mental hospital for 72 hours of bad food and a psych eval. You're not an expert, and the idea that he may go forward just to screw with you is not something you should have to evaluate. Call the cops. Let the cops deal with him. With the cops showing up at his door every time he threatens suicide, he'll stop threatening. Or, better yet, he'll get a lot of attention from shrinks. Either way, you won't be burdened with his games.

Remember, there's always more than one answer; it's never either/or. The solution is not to cave into him. The solution is to make him deal with reality. The reality of the situation is that you're not in his life any more. So, if he makes a threat, pick curtain number 3; call the cops. Report his threat. Let them deal with him.

mooshy · #18 07-10-2011, 01:40 PM

I never rose to any such threats - people who truly want to die don't wave a sign "saying save me now or you'll regret it", they do it and if they get what they want it works.
At the time of the threats I just wished she would do it..........I had no crisis of conscience about thinking that at all.

yourself · #19 07-10-2011, 05:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mooshy

I never rose to any such threats - people who truly want to die don't wave a sign "saying save me now or you'll regret it", they do it and if they get what they want it works.
At the time of the threats I just wished she would do it..........I had no crisis of conscience about thinking that at all.

I believe that's generally the case. However, it is not the exclusive experience of others. I had one case that terminated when the husband went to her house, pulled a gun, and shot himself in the head, right in front of her.

I take such threats seriously. While I may doubt the veracity of the person making the threat, it's not my call. I'd rather be wrong, and subject the person to hospitalization, and the termination of that type of threat, than risk another such episode.

shenson · #20 07-10-2011, 05:43 PM

My first husband/ex husband, control freak that he was and is (poor whoever he has his claws in) threatened to kill himself if I didn't go back to him when we were in the middle of the divorce and we have been divorced since 2003 and he's still around to harass albeit 3500 miles away (Alaska) when and if he ever gets the chance (rare cuz i just dont care) so it was just another form of trying to control. thats my only experience with someone threatening suicide, just thought i'd share it.

Ultimately his life is not in your hands, probably not in the most capable of hands, but in no way your responsibility. There isn't anyone on this earth that could make me kill myself. I love the life I've been given, no matter the difficulties, its mine.

yourself · #21 07-10-2011, 08:31 PM

The fact of the matter is that if a person's intent on suicide, NOTHING you do, or the authorities do, will actually stop him. There are something like 1000 suicides in locked mental wards every year, so if they can't even prevent it in a locked mental ward, then you should not feel guilty if he actually does commit suicide.

The thing is, if it isn't serious, it's a major manipulation. I have always had a very low tolerance for people who threaten stuff to manipulate others - that means suicide, divorce, killing others, telling lies to cops to get people arrested, telling lies to the court to get orders of protection. It's hard enough getting people who really need an OP in to court to get an OP, getting people who really need a bed in a psych hospital into a bed in a psych hospital; the people who NEED the services, documents, etc, do NOT deserve being tainted by the same brush as those who use the system and ideas such as suicide to manipulate others. Generally, when it comes to suicide, or "I'm going to kill so and so", the best bet is to have them face the real consequences of such a threat. If there's the prospect that they're going to spend the next 3 days in a mental hospital, they're less apt to cry wold again. And, if they're serious, they're in the right place.

To me, it's black and white; if you cry suicide, you need to go to the hospital. It's not a way to manipulate other people, especially people you supposedly "love".

bambysluv4u · #22 07-18-2011, 04:56 PM

Well the man I recently sent to jail, not only threatened to kill himself, but of late he also threatened to take me with him.. I've tried to have him committed and evaluated but the system only keeps him for three days at which time he gets out and his behaviour becomes worse. The last incident he literally tried to jump out of the car while I was driving 70 MPH, what do you do when no one hears your cries, that this man is actually now not only trying to kill himself, but now wants to take you too..

joetnymedic · #23 07-18-2011, 05:06 PM

i actually agree with yourself. save the text, csall the cops insist they take him in for observation. it wouldnt hurt to fill them in on the fact that he has abused you in the past. maybe he will actually leave you alone ofter that. most people say they are going to commit suicide as a means to maintain some sort of control or it could even be a cry for help. most who are intent on killing themselves are not going to basically ask someone to stop them. the other thing that could be happening is he could be hoping that you try to help him and in the long run, he winds up hurting you or taking you out with him. This is one of those cases when you just stay far away.