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MELROSEPL · #1 07-18-2011, 09:11 AM

Me and my guy just reconnected about a year ago, he is sentenced to TWO LIFE sentences for a double murder. He is innocent, and working with the Innocence Project right now. The Innocence Project is just reading over things that happened etc, making no promises they will take on his case or try to work with him...they are just reading over things. Every letter my guy writes, he keeps saying "when I get out" etc.....In a way, i am glad he is hopeful, but with the way it is NOW he is in LWOP...no parole, nothings, serving 2 life sentences, I don't want to hurt him, but it kinda hurts me that he *automatically, knows he is getting out* and that right now is so far from the truth.......I know life has no guarantees, I've been with him for one year.....and he is still working with lawyers and the Innocence Project, but no upcoming trials/re trials coming up for him etc.

I guess in a way, I am guarded, cuz he may NOT get out, ever, or maybe get out in 10 years.

How can i kindly talk with him about NOW and how life doesn't have guarantees, and he isn't guaranteed to get out ever.

I am trying to say this in a nice way without hurting his feelings.

I guess its dealing with here and NOW and this is how it is now, and with prison and LWOP he has no guarantees of GETTING OUT.

any advice or help would be great.

RainyCola · #2 07-18-2011, 09:44 AM

Mine has always kept hope even when those of us on the outside were willing to abandon it. He is confident that he will walk free one day, and I'm not going to ever steer him otherwise. Maybe I'm wrong for it, but the last thing he needs is negativity. Even if I was trying to convince him of reality ( that his appeal might not work ), I don't think his hopes would ever be dashed. So while I always keep it in my head that there is the possibility that he won't ever get out, I never bring that to him. I am always going to keep the positive attitude with him, because he needs that. I look at it like we'll cross that bridge when and if we need to. Yes, it'll kill me if this doesn't work out for him. But he's not going to stop fighting, so I'm going to be there with him every step of the way. he's been fighting his conviction for 10 years now, and just this week he received a glimmer of hope from the courts, and he couldn't be happier. So with your guy, it's going to take a while - the courts move pretty slow.

My advice to you - having been going through this for a long time - is to keep your thoughts to yourself for now. If he's as confident as my guy is, what you have to say isn't going to effect his outlook anyway.

MELROSEPL · #3 07-18-2011, 10:40 AM

thank you, well hes been in prison for 27 years, and he tried to get out 2x prior to this, and both times he was "denied".........I guess, being new to all of this (i knew him wayyy back in those days and just reconnected one year ago)...... I am not really sure what to expect or not to expect.

I guess, I just am more a realist, and dealing with here and now, and knowing that he may NOT get out.

For me personally, it just crushes me cuz he keeps saying 'when he gets out" and he says this on numerous occasions, I usually just tell him, take
it one day at a time and there are no guarantees in life. I dunno, I know its good to be confident, but also be realistic, he is in for LIFE now, with no chance of any parole.

thank you for your response.

dc's girl · #4 07-18-2011, 10:43 AM

I agree with moxiebravo. My husband is confident in him coming home and us starting a family etc. He goes in front of the parole board in 12 1/2years. We know that he might not get out then but we keep our faith, prayers, and hopes up that one day he will be home. Keep your head up.

Peach&Cream · #5 07-18-2011, 10:53 AM

my ex is not a lwop, but in California a 15 to life sentence is still a life sentence (life means till death does you and the system apart, but your 2nd chance is in the hands of the board) he completely understands that fact - accepting to apply it to himself is another story... he's actually "sure" he'll be out in less than a hand-full of years - no one should rain on his parade!!! I didn't, I wont and I hope no one ever does!

unlike your lifer, mine is not innocent ~ our mentality of the case and term must be completely different from yours.

i did time for simply being guilty of loving my husband and trying to protect him, I cannot imagine doing a life term for something i was not guilty of ~ im sorry your lifer is going through this ~ much love, hang in there.

Tabbycat · #6 07-18-2011, 11:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MELROSEPL

Me and my guy just reconnected about a year ago, he is sentenced to TWO LIFE sentences for a double murder. He is innocent, and working with the Innocence Project right now. The Innocence Project is just reading over things that happened etc, making no promises they will take on his case or try to work with him...they are just reading over things. Every letter my guy writes, he keeps saying "when I get out" etc.....In a way, i am glad he is hopeful, but with the way it is NOW he is in LWOP...no parole, nothings, serving 2 life sentences, I don't want to hurt him, but it kinda hurts me that he *automatically, knows he is getting out* and that right now is so far from the truth.......I know life has no guarantees, I've been with him for one year.....and he is still working with lawyers and the Innocence Project, but no upcoming trials/re trials coming up for him etc.

I guess in a way, I am guarded, cuz he may NOT get out, ever, or maybe get out in 10 years.

How can i kindly talk with him about NOW and how life doesn't have guarantees, and he isn't guaranteed to get out ever.

I am trying to say this in a nice way without hurting his feelings.

I guess its dealing with here and NOW and this is how it is now, and with prison and LWOP he has no guarantees of GETTING OUT.

any advice or help would be great.

Please dont take this the wrong way, but hope is all your guy has at this moment. Taking away hope, is almost saying he's guilty of these crimes. He's innocent and any innocent person in my opinion would be acting the way he is. He talks about coming home because he believes that. This must be very hard on you as well because the process of it all can take many years before the truth comes out and he is freed. Day by day hun. Maybe today this is hurting you much more than usual which makes us doubtful. YOu ove him or you wouldnt be here looking for support to get through this. I wish you all the best and hope things get better for you soon.

banderson20 · #7 07-18-2011, 01:51 PM

MY man is serving a life sentence with no possibility of parole. He tells me all the time that he is coming home and I just say ok baby your coming home and I leave it at that. Deep down I know that's a very slim chance but I will never bring his hopes down. I will keep praying and trusting in god because no matter Wat god has the final say. I hope everything works out for you guys

ceci · #8 07-18-2011, 04:29 PM

That hope is probably what keeps him going so I wouldn't say anything to crush that hope because it might put him into a deep depression. And if he is innocent then there is always a chance he might be free one day and honestly if I'm sure if you were ever going to be happy being wrong about something it'd be that.

gypsysmagician · #9 07-18-2011, 08:00 PM

I agree to all of you saying that hope is so important for anyone serving LWOP and especially so, if you are innocent. My LO keeps telling me that he wants to be home with me and ever since he has to come to know me, he is even fighting harder. He just had a court hearing about some tests and it did not go too well since his court appointed attorney did not do a thing and I doubt that she even read his motion and never came to talk to him about the case even. Well, in spite of all of that, he is working on his case and doing all that he can to find more evidence. And of course I would never want to discourage him. As a non US citizen I am aware of the barriers that a person - even though innocent - still has to overcome and of course I don't know if he will ever be free. But I am here to share his hopes and listen to him telling me what he wants to do and all of this. It's something that makes his life more bearable and I would never bring any negativity into this because deep down in my heart, I am hoping too. So many things can happen and I trust in God that he will find justice. But what would anyone be without hope. We all need that and especially at a place like that. So, I wish everyone in this situation the very best.

CoNpal · #10 07-18-2011, 08:30 PM

I had a similar situation kind of. My guy was in without parole (not on a life sentence tho) on a mandatory min and he kept on talking like he was going to get out early. I was blunt with him but he didn't listen. In hindsight, I would have made sure not to feed into it and let him figure it out on his own. I think it may be a way of coping.

LadyKurupt · #11 07-19-2011, 07:01 PM

My lifer and I have been living with the reality of LWOP for years. We have always talked about when he gets out. I think it's a critical coping skill and there is nothing worse for them than losing hope. In May we found out that he had won his appeal after years of nothing going through. It's still up in the air what happens now but I'm so glad that we've had that hope and I know it will carry us through whatever happens next.

waiting4love · #12 07-19-2011, 08:42 PM

I understand where you're coming from. My guy is doing 15-to-life and is in year 15, and seems to 100% believe the parole board will turn him loose this fall. While this is possible, it's not probable. But I don't try to dash his hopes; I just assure him I am here even if they make him serve life.

ernestopio · #13 07-20-2011, 12:10 AM

Didn't mean for that angry icon to be there just did know how to remove it. I've read every post and these post always get my attention. Some may say why is she repeating the same thing over and over again. Like you ladies my husband would say when I get home. I don't know what I was thinking when he said that because the Lord shielded me or I was just in la, la land. I repeat to let you know to keep on hoping and praying. Don't giveup because something will happen. Here is the same old song my husband had 20-life, 15-life received parole date 10/2012 after going on 36yr. My desire is encourage not bragging. You long-haul and lifer ladies have a piece of my heart and I can understand your pain and love. May God of all the earth keep you warm in his arms because I know he has you written on the palm of his hands.

Frenchy666 · #14 07-20-2011, 02:06 AM

My dear is a lifer, he's serving a LWOP sentence. He has many hope for the future, he is a really positive person, but he never said or say "when i will be out..."
We try to deal with the moment,Carpe Diem. We never project ourselves to the future because it's not up to us.

If I was in your situation, I will hard for me to say to him that he has to stay on the reality & just be happy with what he already had, because he won't be out until 10 years. I hope you will find a good compromise.

My advice is : Don't wait & see, live & see

Friend05 · #15 07-22-2011, 12:22 PM

My lifer always mentiones the same thing " when I get out" we will do this and I as well think about what he just said,although I don't put him down and ruin his hopes I tell him "yea we will do so much when you get out" but deep down I have faith although I know what reality is as well. This guy is serving 2 life sentences without parole and it kills me knowing that he might not ever get out but I never give him negative responses I tell him keep faith in god and he will look out for you. But I just want to say that I do understand where you are coming from because facing reality is something a lot of people can not do, but having faith and hope is also something very important. Things change, miracles happen we never know.

chaney&jo · #16 07-22-2011, 02:49 PM

My baby is doing 27 yrs to life and he says the same thing and i ouldnt dare tell him no diffrent,by you not believing in him tells him you not on his side you need to let him keep the faith and keep hope alive you need to be his strength and pray for him to get out faith is all you need for god to move miraculously so dont give up and dont bring the negativity,bring postive talk to him you never know what god has plan for him.

RG's girl · #17 07-23-2011, 01:17 AM

Me and my husband have talked about this too, openly. He has taught me that it is important "not to ever kill someone else's hope". He told me that they learn that in there as well. This extends to other situations as well. I take care of medically fragile children. A lot of these kids are already medical miracles, so they have already exceeded their life expectancies. You can imagine how difficult that would be as their parent. One of the fathers is a pastor at our church. His daughter is in her early twenties and is medically fragile. He admitted one day that he sometimes struggles with God because he want to understand why he hasn't answered his prayers, he admitted it gets hard. But then he said-"but that doesn't mean I will stop asking."

SOLLIAH · #18 07-23-2011, 01:14 PM

My lifer is on 30 years of a 15 to life sentence, for second degree murder! For 3 years he has said when I come home, every year he is more sure this is the year! I just let him, I thought it was weird but all inmates lifers or not, coming home keeps them sane, among all the insanity around them, just let him have his hope and sanity!

ServingLifewHim · #19 07-26-2011, 09:58 PM

My lifer tells me that he can't want until he gets out.. so we can form a home together, have children, he talks about how he'll be with them (the kids), that he'll do with them everything that his parents didn't do for him, etc. Although I know that hope is "all they have" it kinda hurts because it seems to me that he's making false promises. Please correct me if i'm in the wrong.. sometimes I need someone to scold me in order to understand that it shouldn't always be about me...

Doesn't it give you all false hope as well? (don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but I tend to be a realist, and al though I know that my love was "effed" over by the system and that he DIDN'T deserve the sentence that he got.. because he was 15!.. I know that the chances that he'll ever step foot out are slim to none).

Should there be a time when we lay it out on the table for them? Or let them continue on with this fantasy that does hurt us in a way as well...

sry.. its one of those days...

dshsjs4ever · #20 07-26-2011, 10:38 PM

When I read the title of the thread it just made me laugh.... Lol.... Thx! I needed that!

dshsjs4ever · #21 07-26-2011, 10:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by waiting4love

I understand where you're coming from. My guy is doing 15-to-life and is in year 15, and seems to 100% believe the parole board will turn him loose this fall. While this is possible, it's not probable. But I don't try to dash his hopes; I just assure him I am here even if they make him serve life.

My cousin also is in the same exact situation! I don't contact him tho! ... I just look up his info online time to time. The whole family is saying he is coming home! But from what I hear on pt. It's not an easy process

LorettaOrmsby · #22 07-29-2011, 06:17 PM

My man is a 3 striker and WE are doing 25 to life together and he will eventually have the chance to go for parole - he's been down 13 years and we have hope for parole - and won't lose hope either that one day he'll be out .... I haven't noticed if he says 'when I get out' but we do often say that we 'wish' we could do this or that - and he does talk about how he will be different if he ever does get out - he was 16 when he went in.... it's a shitty situation and I'm sure we all know how those go.... I've told him if he ever loses hope than so do I. I don't question what I say to him... As far as I'm concerned that was the right thing to say at that time. I understand where your coming from tho... And I see how that can be hard for someone. Even tho my man one day might possibly have a chance to parole I find myself often feeling defeated already because it's California and he's a validated so those two factors are against us already.... Sometimes I think he has a better chance of getting pregnant. California department of corr. Is Not an easy enterprise to parole out of from what I've heard and read anyways. Do I ever bring his spirits down? No..,, I try not to but there's times we get into deep conversations - as any couple does. I wish I could tell you what you want to hear but I can only say good luck and stay strong. I hope the answer your looking for comes to you. Take care!