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ace9807 · #1 08-25-2011, 07:02 PM

So I been with this guy 4 years...stuck by him, helped him out, gave him support when noone else did not even his family. He asked me to marry him and of course i said yes...everything was great we were making plans for our future and so in love, or so i thought. He gets paroled to a hwh 8 hours away, but we were gonna make it work. First time i went to visit, everything was great - we had a wonderful time. Then he started calling less. I wrote letters but got none in return. He seemed depressed and was not adjusting well to the hwh at all so i decided to go visit again hoping that would get him out of his funk. The first day was great - again we had a great time. But i noticed that some of the things he was telling me just didnt make sense...i asked him why he wasnt calling and he said that he cant call without any money, and thats understandable because i really dont send him much cuz i just dont have it like that right now. So he got a phone and promised he would call every day now that he had one. The second day of my visit was a complete mess...he wanted to leave and wanted me to take him home with me! Was this dude serious?? Yes he was. He only has about 20 days left but he said hes tired of it all, and dine. Well i talked him into staying, but he wasnt happy about it, but oh well cuz i'll be damned...anyway now i havent heard from him at all, and i cant believe how absolutely selfish and ungrateful this dude is. No explanation no nothing. Am i wrong for wanting to wring this guys neck? I mean who does he think he is? This is not the first time hes not called - he used to do it when he was in the jail but not as much as now. He seems like a complete stranger to me now - i dont even know who he is anymore. The other thing is that hes been lying about the stupidest things...things that dont even matter. I guess im assuming its over at this point. Not sure if hes walked away or not, but if not, im damn sure about to! I think its time. I mean actions speak louder than words and dude is really showing his true colors. How is a relationship supposed to work with no communication? Im so angry and hurt - ive done nothing wrong to him except be in his corner the entire time and he gives me his a** to kiss? Yeah, ok...good idea, you just got the wrong one.im so angry that there are such ignorant selfish people in this world that use people and treat them like garbage. He was down 20 years, and i guess he never overcame his "young boy " mentality. Unreal....well although im so hurt, at least i know i loved with my whole heart - and i dont regret that because there were many good times. At least there are no children involved so i dont have to worry about EVER speaking to this sheisty grimy scallywag again...thanks for letting me vent!

akaptrosa · #2 08-25-2011, 07:38 PM

I'm sorry things aren't going so well. (((BIG HUGS)))

Being locked up for 20 years is a lot to overcome. His actions most likely have nothing to do with you, but his inability to survive in the real world after being gone for so long. Are you sure he's not locked back up?

Just remember you are a lovely, worthwhile person and like you said, you gave it your all with love. No one could ask for more than that! I hope you find clarity and peace soon. Hang in there hun...

ace9807 · #3 08-25-2011, 08:03 PM

Thank you! No hes not locked back up...i checked. But i think youre right...i think its all just too much for him and like i said i dont think hes ever been able to get out of the same mentality he had from when he went in...a very awkward situation for me now though as i am extremely close to his family...ugh!

skellerton · #4 08-25-2011, 08:33 PM

I have worked in re-integration and I can tell you that most likely, he is a mess. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad for him, but to help you understand that he is probably not ready for what you need. He may never be ready enough to take on another person. After 20 years, a little stint in a halfway house will not even begin to erase that, and he really needs treatment for about a year. If he pushes you away, you have little choice but to go. Conversations from behind the wall are not the same as face to face with a real person and the world. I would simply let things go on hold, and then fade away if they have to, but don't take it too badly, it's hard to know about this stuff when you were never in the position to see things from out here. He is no longer "in his element" and desn't have many coping skills for being out. Because you, at least, know the drill, you may have to just let it go and feel the sadness. Sorry for your disappointment.

MissyMagpie · #5 08-25-2011, 08:52 PM

i went thru a similar situation myself. well sort of similar. i wont' go into alot of details b/c i've talked about them before on here, but i had someone in a while back myself and we were tight, tight before he went in and close even after that, in fact it was giving us an opportunity to get even closer as we wrote alot and he called and we had to value our "time" together, if that makes sense. He called every chance he got, wrote, etc. and i wasn't being used as i wasn't putting money on the books, etc. kept talking about how hard the "time" was for him to do, tried to get on house arrest and they denied it. tried to get a bed sooner at rehab (since post-jail his sentencing included mandatory treatment)--that failed. got him new clothes for his release per HIS request (only time he ever asked and i ever bought anything) (a social distortion shirt and some jeans), couldn't wait to see each other, etc and then one day the calls and letters stopped dead. no explanation, no previous fight, no warning, etc. just like he fell off the face of the earth though i knew he did not. i just waited patiently by thinking i'd hear from him closer to release or when he got out. thought i'd give him his space, b/c of some of the things i hear on this board, maybe he was going thru issues just prior to coming back out to the "world" etc. We'd talked about it previously and I always told him i was there beside him to support him, whatever he ended up going through. In short, I was waiting for my happy day and i never did hear from him again.

it's been 3 years and nothing. i've finally made an attempt to reach out to him--he went back to prison on a prob viol and is up for parole again in oct--bc i finally couldn't stand not knowing anymore what happened. i'd rather knw he had another girl or got bored or something, all those things i expected from day one, than to sit wondering why we had a "relationship" and i was there for him, so he could just forget me one day. . i told my best friend today that if i don't hear from him within a month's time, i'm just going to have to find a way to BURY this, b/c my heart broke then like i never expected, and i was angry and disappointed, etc, but truthfully never felt like he woke up hating me one day or something which makes it harder actually.

anyway, my point being, is i know you are hurt and i know you are angry, and you have every right to be. i won't tell you to go my route and reach out to him again or anything, b/c it sounds like you've done alot already, but you have to keep in mind that it may very well have nothing to do with you, or IF it does, maybe not in the sense that all us girls jump to conclusions about.

the other thing i'll say, and i am not saying this to insult ANYONE b/c i wouldn't insult mine either, but the truth of the matter, more often than not, is that these people are in prison for a REASON, ie poor impulse control, selfish actions, irresponsibility. i think it's great when people change and come out better and make success stories of themselves. i think what we have to remember though is that we aren't always dealing with people who think of OTHER'S feelings or reactions in any form whatsoever. these boards are full of people who are married to "frequent fliers" in the DOC system, men who repeatedly exhibit the same behaviors and don't seem to "learn", on and on. You may be dealing with
a) someone who can't cope with being on the outside and/or in a relationship as that obligates them to live up to standards that they can't, subconsciously or knowingly; and/or
b) someone who simply doesn't take other's feelings into consideration and you could spend the rest of your life bending backwards to please them and give them a good life and battle it until the bitter end.

Just remember that the fault, for lack of a better word, lies with them--you've done everything that you can.

God Bless and Good Luck

WaitingForHer1 · #6 08-25-2011, 11:00 PM

This man is going through a major adjustment period. He prolly is focusing on himself and trying to rebuild his life so he can function independently. Unfortunately he doesn't have the tools that he needs at this time as in his own place to live or a source of income. I don't know of anyone who would be happy in his situation.

If it were me I would completely and totally leave this man alone. No calls, no visits, no financial help nothing. Then, give him a chance to contact you. If he doesn't then you have no choice to accept the fact that it is over if he does, sit back listen and find out what he wants and take it from there.

ace9807 · #7 08-26-2011, 07:24 AM

Thank you all for your kind words and support. This is so hard because i had really thought everything would be ok for us. I realize now i was living in a dream world. Everything you are all saying makes perfect sense and i also think he is probably a total mess right now. He said to me that he doesnt understand how he can be out of jail but still in jail which makes me realize that he definitely was not prepared or ready for thus place. I just feel so bad for the whole situation, him, me, us....i lost the love of my life and my best friend and going thru that is never easy. I am angry and hurt, buti still have alot of love in my heart for him and i just hope and pray he can make the right choices to have a successful life.at this point i am done - i just dont want to go thru the hurt anymore, but i have alot of his personal belongings (paperwork, clothes, pictures of his kids, and a ring he gave me of his fathers who is now deceased.) Do i hang onto thesse things and hope he makes the right choices or do i send them back to him at the center and just cut all ties? So confused..

Kimi06 · #8 08-26-2011, 08:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ace9807

So I been with this guy 4 years...stuck by him, helped him out, gave him support when noone else did not even his family. He asked me to marry him and of course i said yes...everything was great we were making plans for our future and so in love, or so i thought. He gets paroled to a hwh 8 hours away, but we were gonna make it work. First time i went to visit, everything was great - we had a wonderful time. Then he started calling less. I wrote letters but got none in return. He seemed depressed and was not adjusting well to the hwh at all so i decided to go visit again hoping that would get him out of his funk. The first day was great - again we had a great time. But i noticed that some of the things he was telling me just didnt make sense...i asked him why he wasnt calling and he said that he cant call without any money, and thats understandable because i really dont send him much cuz i just dont have it like that right now. So he got a phone and promised he would call every day now that he had one. The second day of my visit was a complete mess...he wanted to leave and wanted me to take him home with me! Was this dude serious?? Yes he was. He only has about 20 days left but he said hes tired of it all, and dine. Well i talked him into staying, but he wasnt happy about it, but oh well cuz i'll be damned...anyway now i havent heard from him at all, and i cant believe how absolutely selfish and ungrateful this dude is. No explanation no nothing. Am i wrong for wanting to wring this guys neck? I mean who does he think he is? This is not the first time hes not called - he used to do it when he was in the jail but not as much as now. He seems like a complete stranger to me now - i dont even know who he is anymore. The other thing is that hes been lying about the stupidest things...things that dont even matter. I guess im assuming its over at this point. Not sure if hes walked away or not, but if not, im damn sure about to! I think its time. I mean actions speak louder than words and dude is really showing his true colors. How is a relationship supposed to work with no communication? Im so angry and hurt - ive done nothing wrong to him except be in his corner the entire time and he gives me his a** to kiss? Yeah, ok...good idea, you just got the wrong one.im so angry that there are such ignorant selfish people in this world that use people and treat them like garbage. He was down 20 years, and i guess he never overcame his "young boy " mentality. Unreal....well although im so hurt, at least i know i loved with my whole heart - and i dont regret that because there were many good times. At least there are no children involved so i dont have to worry about EVER speaking to this sheisty grimy scallywag again...thanks for letting me vent!

Hugs to you. Just keep in mind that this guy
has served time and coming out can be a real
step back for some people after incarceration.
I just think jumping into relationships after prison
is not the thing to do IMO not knocking anyone,
Im not saying your doing it all wrong, none of that.
I am just saying for me it wouldn't be a option.
Because I feel I would need to get to know this
person out in the free world with what makes them
tick and tock. Prison gives you a whole different side
of a person. I don't care what no one says, I have seen
it with my own eyes on other people whom I know face
to face. Be thankful it didn't go any further to where as
this guy spent all your money, ate all your food, never
gave you a dime, and then still leaves. You are blessed
that it happend that way. Life will still be grand for you
my friend.

KImi06

Brooke · #9 08-26-2011, 02:47 PM

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this

I know it must hurt. But at least you found out now, rather then later, although I'm sure it doesn't make it hurt any less.

Honestly, I didn't realize until I have been reading in other forums how difficult it is to be with someone after they have done a lot of time in prison. My ex has been in for over 13 years, and the only side I know, is his "prison" side. He seems very angry and VERY defensive if I say the wrong thing, that if I were to say to someone out here, they would not care or take it so bad.

Reading your post as well as all the others has helped me realize it was better to end it now, as opposed to waiting for him to get out.

Please just let yourself grieve, and cry. Its healthy to do that. I know how much it hurts to not be able to be with the person you love.

Take care of yourself and keep posting if you need to vent or let it all out~

LeStrange · #10 08-26-2011, 06:08 PM

Hahahahaha @ "sheisty grimy scallywag". That made my day. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's HIS loss. You've come to the right place though. Good luck to you

.

ace9807 · #11 08-27-2011, 07:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brooke

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this

I know it must hurt. But at least you found out now, rather then later, although I'm sure it doesn't make it hurt any less.

Honestly, I didn't realize until I have been reading in other forums how difficult it is to be with someone after they have done a lot of time in prison. My ex has been in for over 13 years, and the only side I know, is his "prison" side. He seems very angry and VERY defensive if I say the wrong thing, that if I were to say to someone out here, they would not care or take it so bad.

Reading your post as well as all the others has helped me realize it was better to end it now, as opposed to waiting for him to get out.

Please just let yourself grieve, and cry. Its healthy to do that. I know how much it hurts to not be able to be with the person you love.

Take care of yourself and keep posting if you need to vent or let it all out~

Weird that you say he was angry and defensive...mine was the same way...sometimes o would say things and he would seriously blow it so far out of the water that it would leave me completely confused knowing that what i said was not that bad and that noone else would have taken it the way he had...

MissyMagpie · #12 08-27-2011, 11:06 AM

I noticed something twice on this thread that I went through too. Glad to know I wasn't the only one. As I've said before, this person, the inmate I'm on here and bothered about LOL, despite everything I did, the support I showed, etc and the "relationship" I thought we had, went MIA on me as well. As I've also said I have no idea what went wrong, and without getting into details y'all have alreeady heard, to me there was no explicable reason why. No fight, no warning, no nothing. As of our last conversations and letters we still talked about his out date, me getting ot finally see him, being able to just TALK, with no recording LOL, etc. And then one day he fell off the face of the earth. I've been seeking answers that i may never get, but what I can tell you, that I've always wondered about, is our last call.

When he was in the jail, he used to call once a week, sometimes twice. At ALL times I was the best "girl" ever. The last conversation we had, he happened to call really late, i was already in bed, and NOT having a good nite. It was THAT time of the month, and I'm sure you ladies can relate but I was having one of those tossing/turning and one minute you're hot s you put on the a/c, then you're cold, you know the drill, evenings. So, I answer the phone half asleep and he asks if I'm alrite and I'm like oh yeah jus thaving a bad nite, can't get comfortable, did NOT mention the PMS lol, but just was like oh, you know, just edgy tonite, and his tone got kind of weird, so we went on to talk about some other things, mainly a bar i had been to the previous week and he told me about another bar to try out. that was our LAST conversation.

Now, I'm fairly sure that my having PMS and being in an "off" (not bad)mood had, in the end, VERY VERY little to do with why he fell off the face of the earth, but I can tell you it has not been easy, wondering in the back of my mind all this time, was that IT? Was it b/c I wasn't being laughing, silly, fun girl for ONCE in like 14 months? And it's made me sad over the years, thinking that I, albeit inadvertently, provoked him into not calling anymore. All I can say is, though, and I try to tell myself, is that I'M ALLOWED to have ONE bad day, and it wasn't even "bad" it was just not giggly and fun, I mean, how could you possibly build a relationship with someone, exprisoner or not, where every single moment had to be about them not getting aggravated, where you could never take a day off from being "entertaining" as it were.

the point of relationships in life is to have someone to support you and it goes BOTH ways. I think alot of the people on the boards spend their lives making sure their ex-inmates get work, that they have good lives, that they're happy in all respects, but what happens to the "mama bears?"". I ask you that. If you are only 20 or 30 and notice your inmate exhibiting these behaviors, madly in love or not, you have to ask yourself, what's it going to be like at 45 or 55? What about when you're sick, what about when your parents die and you need support and caring, all those other life experiences that are too many to name?

I'm not saying that there AREN'T ex-inmates that won't turn out good or be great spouses, of course there are; I'm just saying that if you notice from early on that if you're not running circles to keep THEM happy how does that bode for the resst of your life? Because as we age, it very rarely gets EASIER. Just a thought.

bumblebee37 · #13 08-27-2011, 02:42 PM

You go girl! Find you a man worth your time, energy, and shows you respect and love like you deserve!

Brooke · #14 08-27-2011, 04:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ace9807

Weird that you say he was angry and defensive...mine was the same way...sometimes o would say things and he would seriously blow it so far out of the water that it would leave me completely confused knowing that what i said was not that bad and that noone else would have taken it the way he had...

How long has your bf been in prison? I think my ex was showing signs of being "instutionalized." Yeah he would get that way about a lot of things, and ask all the time if I was "calling him a liar" when I would simply ask him a question. Also constant bitching about me "interrogating" him, which to him seemed like things the "cops" do, and how dare I, I should know he doesn't like that

WHATEVER!! lol Funny how he is the only guy that ever thought that way about me. He has extreme issues from being in prison for so long, and I am just done with all of this bullshit!! I was so understanding to him and his needs, good luck trying to find another girl that would bite her tounge constantly as to not piss him off.

ace9807 · #15 08-27-2011, 05:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brooke

How long has your bf been in prison? I think my ex was showing signs of being "instutionalized." Yeah he would get that way about a lot of things, and ask all the time if I was "calling him a liar" when I would simply ask him a question. Also constant bitching about me "interrogating" him, which to him seemed like things the "cops" do, and how dare I, I should know he doesn't like that

WHATEVER!! lol Funny how he is the only guy that ever thought that way about me. He has extreme issues from being in prison for so long, and I am just done with all of this bullshit!! I was so understanding to him and his needs, good luck trying to find another girl that would bite her tounge constantly as to not piss him off.

He was in prison 20 years....you are so right! My man used to call me "private eye" and "CIA" which i thought was just ridiculous! Just because i ask a question? We used to argue about it all the time - i have always been a very outspoken person and always said whatever is on my mind and not because im mean or want to hurt anyone , but because im REAL. He always took offense. I always said that he wanted somebody that was just gonna keep their mouth shut all the time and just nod their head to whatever he said all the time. Yeah, ok....and i quote from my first post..."good idea, but you got the wrong one!"

ace9807 · #16 08-27-2011, 05:09 PM

Also...i guess hes my X at this point...gotta get outta that habit of callin him my man....:-(

Desert Rose · #17 08-27-2011, 05:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brooke

How long has your bf been in prison? I think my ex was showing signs of being "instutionalized." Yeah he would get that way about a lot of things, and ask all the time if I was "calling him a liar" when I would simply ask him a question. Also constant bitching about me "interrogating" him, which to him seemed like things the "cops" do, and how dare I, I should know he doesn't like that

WHATEVER!! lol Funny how he is the only guy that ever thought that way about me. He has extreme issues from being in prison for so long, and I am just done with all of this bullshit!! I was so understanding to him and his needs, good luck trying to find another girl that would bite her tounge constantly as to not piss him off.

Usually when they are so defensive is bc they have things to hide, oh man the things they have to hide

I think there's so much we can never understand from this "Prison World." It's like The Twilight zone ! This was my first and last MWI anything. For those of you it works for ~ knock yourselves out, but never again for me!

Brooke · #18 08-27-2011, 06:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ace9807

He was in prison 20 years....you are so right! My man used to call me "private eye" and "CIA" which i thought was just ridiculous! Just because i ask a question? We used to argue about it all the time - i have always been a very outspoken person and always said whatever is on my mind and not because im mean or want to hurt anyone , but because im REAL. He always took offense. I always said that he wanted somebody that was just gonna keep their mouth shut all the time and just nod their head to whatever he said all the time. Yeah, ok....and i quote from my first post..."good idea, but you got the wrong one!"

Well I guess that answers a lot of questions you may have...by the time my ex gets out, he will have done 22 years. I just think they are not "socialized" because of their surroundings, and their maturity level is stunted at the age they went in. If you read in the Now That They Are Home section, the stories all make so much sense and have a few things in common with long term inmates. Especially the ones that went it as teens and early twenties.

I am sooo glad I dodged this bullet. Maybe you can look at this as a blessing....let him be someone else's problem now.

Desert Rose · #19 08-27-2011, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissyMagpie

I noticed something twice on this thread that I went through too.

When he was in the jail, he used to call once a week, sometimes twice. At ALL times I was the best "girl" ever.
Now, I'm fairly sure that my having PMS and being in an "off"

I'm not saying that there AREN'T ex-inmates that won't turn out good or be great spouses, of course there are; I'm just saying that if you notice from early on that if you're not running circles to keep THEM happy how does that bode for the resst of your life? Because as we age, it very rarely gets EASIER. Just a thought.

Ha, they have their PMS too; Prison Mood Swings !