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bumblebee37 · #1 09-24-2011, 08:04 PM

So most people know that I attend AA. I met a woman there the other night totally upset about her husband. I guess years ago (I believe she said 12) there was a domestic violence altercation while they lived in California so when her husband paroled out a no contact order was placed. This woman is totally distraught to find out that now (years later) after the RO is not in place that her husband has moved a girlfriend in and they plan to start a 'new' family.
I'm talking about this lady has had her teeth knocked out, staples in her head, and looks to have lived the life. What do I say to her folks? I don't want to tell her that she is an idiot for holding on for all these years in hopes of a change so please help me. I feel a need to try to help her and I don't want her to pine away over this man or pick up the bottle. I have never lived this way so I can't tell her I understand. I am totally speechless so I came to you ladies.
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wickit · #2 09-24-2011, 08:21 PM

It's hard to find the words BB, you right! The only thing I can think of is therapy. She has let this go on so long that she is going to need professional help. I feel for her and I'm glad you're there for her, hugs!

yourself · #3 09-24-2011, 08:22 PM

Tell her you know what she's talking about, and listen to her. Ask her about any DV counseling she's done. Tell her if she wants to understand all of this, she first has to understand the role DV has played in her life - both in the past and in the present. If you have the name of a good DV counselor, give it to her.

It's not a great place to be in, for you or her, but she's really got to do the work or her sobriety is in jeopardy. Sounds to me like she has a bit of addiction to this man, and she's really got to get a grip on that or she's never going to be sober.

Also, if you know somebody who's really battled with DV, you might ask the AA member if you can hook her up with somebody who's walked that walk.

Otherwise, it's not your business to cure her. You're at AA to take care of your own addiction issues - be very wary of her because she's still very heavily into her addiction, at least to her ex, and that can be as troublesome to your own sobriety as somebody who's actively drinking or using.

bumblebee37 · #4 09-24-2011, 08:32 PM

Thanks.

I know I can't cure her and I am struggling to protect my own sobriety but something about her just made me want to hug her and try to help. To see another human being this broken just tore out my heart. That's a long time to be holding on to a dream, fantasy or addiction. I never thought of it as an addiction, thanks for showing me that.

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wickit · #5 10-02-2011, 12:07 AM

Do you have an update on this lady BB? Just curious on how things have been going, hugs.

bumblebee37 · #6 10-02-2011, 07:34 PM

I only saw her a few more times. My sponsor warned me off just like 'yourself' did. You know the old saying 'misery loves company' so I hope everyone understands it probably wouldn't take a lot at this point in my life to join her on the next bar stool.

I do pray for her though, it's about all I can do.

wickit · #7 10-02-2011, 08:31 PM

I understand BB, you've got to take care of you! I never thought of it that way.

LeStrange · #8 10-17-2011, 07:10 PM

Well the man has a new woman that should be enough right there to shoot whatever hope she has down. Also if this woman has had her teeth knocked out, staples in her head and she STILL wants him then she needs some DEEP INTENSE psycho therapy. I'd reccomend Dr.Phil to her if it's even possible. Other than that there is really NOTHING you can do. This woman has to want to help herself FIRST.

bumblebee37 · #9 11-08-2011, 09:15 PM

I wanted to give you an update.
This lady did show back up at a meeting this weekend. She told a few of us after the meeting that her husband was arrested for aggravated battery against his girlfriend. She plans to move close to whatever prison he ends up in and supporting him threw his bid.
I could hear a little voice in my head (I think it was one of you telling me to walk away and I did).
I just really don't understand this situation that this woman lives in. I can't imagine feeling that I needed or wanted to be near someone that beat me and now someone else but maybe I am the messed up thinking one.

And I really can't imagine loving anyone this deep.
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