He won't let go

[brooks]

We have 2 children together. I have left the door partially open so he can write to them (well, mainly our son as our daughter is too young to read them).
I have an order of protection against him for myself, but have tried to be the decent person and not drag the kids in. He'll be locked up for a long time & at this time there's no visitation. The 10 yr old wants nothing to do with him & the baby is too young to go with anyone else.
So, there's asides to me in some of their letters & this last letter, a whole letter to me filled with I'm sorry, let's be friends for the kids...please call the chaplain regarding angel tree gifts.
Yes, he KNOWS he's not supposed to write to me & he states that. I am SO tired of court & tired of fighting. I want NOTHING to do with him. Everything was based on lies from him. Ok, there were some truths, but too many lies. NO, I Don't want to be Just a friend & it's NOT good for the kids.
Yes, I know I need to report this letter as violating the no contact, but dang, my heart hurts. My emotions are doing the turtle thing (curling up into a shell). I want to forgive & MOVE ON. I don't want to hate & poison myself.

I need a few hugs... or smacks to wake up :P