Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

brooks · #1 12-06-2011, 12:22 PM

We have 2 children together. I have left the door partially open so he can write to them (well, mainly our son as our daughter is too young to read them).
I have an order of protection against him for myself, but have tried to be the decent person and not drag the kids in. He'll be locked up for a long time & at this time there's no visitation. The 10 yr old wants nothing to do with him & the baby is too young to go with anyone else.
So, there's asides to me in some of their letters & this last letter, a whole letter to me filled with I'm sorry, let's be friends for the kids...please call the chaplain regarding angel tree gifts.
Yes, he KNOWS he's not supposed to write to me & he states that. I am SO tired of court & tired of fighting. I want NOTHING to do with him. Everything was based on lies from him. Ok, there were some truths, but too many lies. NO, I Don't want to be Just a friend & it's NOT good for the kids.
Yes, I know I need to report this letter as violating the no contact, but dang, my heart hurts. My emotions are doing the turtle thing (curling up into a shell). I want to forgive & MOVE ON. I don't want to hate & poison myself.

I need a few hugs... or smacks to wake up :P

JJS811 · #2 12-06-2011, 03:33 PM

Years ago I had the same kind of situation. The only difference my ex husband was not incarcerated. It got ugly at times, and he would bad mouth me to the kids, until one day the older one basically told him to sling his hook. I tried, no that's not fair, we both tried to keep things civil for the kids, but his civility went out the window when he was with the kids.

My advice, do nothing. Your child who is old enough, is not interested, your wee one is just too young. Don't bad mouth dad, let them make their own choices. My guess is, they will stick with mom, as dad won't be able to zip it.

I don't think you need a smack, not at all, raising kids alone is not easy, so have some (((((hugs))))) instead.

nimuay · #3 12-06-2011, 03:57 PM

It's just me, but I'd report the bloody letter. He keeps trying to push the edges, and inevitably he's going to start trying to get into the 10-year-old's head. Stop it now and you won't have anything to regret later.

JJS811 · #4 12-06-2011, 04:08 PM

While I can understand why you say that, and if there were no children involved I would absolutely concur. My concern is the kids. As much as he is and on a regular basis does try to push boundaries, he is dad. If mom tries to completely exclude him, it could come back to bite her when the kids are older.

Like I said, I personally would do nothing, not even reply to letter addresses to Brooks, I would still read or allow the older child to read any letters from his dad to him (if he wants to read them).

By ignoring dad, Brooks is giving him no power over her, in-fact, she is showing she is taking her power and therefore control back.

It's always so emotive and that much more difficult when children are used as pawns. (You husband using them as pawns, not Brooks).

Quote:

Originally Posted by nimuay

It's just me, but I'd report the bloody letter. He keeps trying to push the edges, and inevitably he's going to start trying to get into the 10-year-old's head. Stop it now and you won't have anything to regret later.

nimuay · #5 12-06-2011, 05:51 PM

I'm sorry, JJS, but an entire letter devoted to nothing but brooks' relationship with him is not doing anything at all to for or about the kids. Asides to her in the letters to the kids have nothing to do with his relationship to them, but are once again an attempt to harass her...that is clearly prohibited by the no contact order.

brooks · #6 12-06-2011, 10:15 PM

Yeah, that's what gets me.. I see both sides of that argument. Right now, there is no relationship with the kids, but, he and Jr used to be very close. I want him to go away, I want no more lies, I want him to get better.. yup, there's the problem. I admit. If I try to "be friends", I will put myself back in a hell of believing his lies & there is Nothing to be gained from that. Nothing. It would hurt the kids to be around that sort of emotional turmoil. Growing pains , I think.

karina51 · #7 12-07-2011, 06:45 AM

It takes more than wiggling your backside to be a dad. I don't know your backstory, and it is none of my business, but my guess is that if you have a no contact order it is there for a reason. This situation is a bit of a dilema in my opinion. If you do nothing is he the type to tell the courts that you have accepted written communications from him and thus be able to fight the 'No Contact', or is he the type to just keep trying to get in touch - only you can answer that one as you know him best.

As for his relationship with his children...well he was the one who threw that away with his behaviour and it will take more than a few letters to repair the rift. In fact, if your oldest has already said he wants nothing to do with him, then the best thing you can do is listen to him.

Begin friends doesn't work. I tried that for the sake of my daughter and it just blew up in my face. In fact it got so bad that my daughter wanted to change her birth surname to my maiden name when she was 8 years old as she didn't want anything that was his. If your children are determined not to have anything to do with him, then it is the children that need support.....but you already know this brooks because you are not a silly girl but an obviously intelligent woman and a great mother.

I have every confidence that you will come to the right decision on your own, but I also understand that it can be hard to come to the right decision too.

K

Lonzo's Lady.. · #8 12-07-2011, 07:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by brooks

We have 2 children together. I have left the door partially open so he can write to them (well, mainly our son as our daughter is too young to read them).
I have an order of protection against him for myself, but have tried to be the decent person and not drag the kids in. He'll be locked up for a long time & at this time there's no visitation. The 10 yr old wants nothing to do with him & the baby is too young to go with anyone else.
So, there's asides to me in some of their letters & this last letter, a whole letter to me filled with I'm sorry, let's be friends for the kids...please call the chaplain regarding angel tree gifts.
Yes, he KNOWS he's not supposed to write to me & he states that. I am SO tired of court & tired of fighting. I want NOTHING to do with him. Everything was based on lies from him. Ok, there were some truths, but too many lies. NO, I Don't want to be Just a friend & it's NOT good for the kids.
Yes, I know I need to report this letter as violating the no contact, but dang, my heart hurts. My emotions are doing the turtle thing (curling up into a shell). I want to forgive & MOVE ON. I don't want to hate & poison myself.

I need a few hugs... or smacks to wake up :P

Brooks...first the hugs

and you don't need any smacks you are simply trying to do whats best for your kids and I can't blame you for that. I don't know your story but I remember MINE and why I had a *No Contact* order against my oldest childs father years ago and what you are going thru now sounds exactly like my story. He went to prison I went to the hospital and stayed several weeks until after the premature birth of my daughter...HIS child. As soon as his buddies told him I'd had the baby the cards, letters and drama started. Like you my emotions were doing the "turtle" or as I called it the "yo-yo" thing and looking at my newborns face I was very torn too. I followed instructions and reported his a$$. This man had not changed and I owed him nothing certainly not a chance to poison my childs mind.
Your son wants nothing to do with him and in time your daughter won't even remember him so let go. Find a therapist or someone you can talk to until you can see things clearly and your emotions stop doing the turtle thing. You say he knows he's not supposed to contact you but he's doing it anyway...my abuser did this too and those were the first words out of his mouth when they confronted him in prison; "Yeah I have been writing her for weeks, she wants me to, we have a baby together so we can't just ignore each other." Let it go, they don't change and he will never be the man you want him to be....Marcia

rokn.ruby · #9 12-07-2011, 01:11 PM

Smack! thats so you dont forget the willpower you've got inside yourself, now I'm sending you a ((hug))

LittleWing13 · #10 12-07-2011, 01:38 PM

I'm not sure of the specifics but I've kindof picked up on the undertones and I think I have a good idea of what's going on. It's SO hard to know the "right thing to do" in this situation....but you do know. Can't offer more than the ladies before me but just wanted to offer you some support. I totally understand. It'll be okay...

**sidewalker** · #11 12-08-2011, 07:36 AM

It hard to end a relationship and even harder I think when children are involved.
I think it takes a certain amount of restraint on your part to disengage your feelings for him, and your feelings about how your children view their Dad. Especially when they are so young.
Try to separate that in your head.
If the 10 yo wants nothing to do with him, then follow that lead. Kiddo may change his/her mind. I'd follow that lead. The baby? Im not sure what to say about it.

Angel Tree is a great thing. Or it was for us. It allowed my son's Dad, to *give* him a gift. I'd leave it up to you to decide what to do there, but the rest of it????
I think I may report the letter as well.
Think about the past and all you've been thru with this guy. IF he wants to change, the go ahead already. He does not need to *tell* you about it, and you dont have to listen.

((((Hugs))))

and a small smack, just cause you asked

Survivor Cat · #12 12-08-2011, 10:44 AM

Hi Brooks.

First of all, a big fat hug to you from sunny California.

It's obvious you're just trying to be the best mother you can be. And you have feelings and conflicted emotions. I'm glad PTO is here for you, and the feedback (above) is really good.

Now, my feedback is that you should definitely report the letter to authorities, as it's a clear violation of the no-contact order.

The order was put in place for good reason, no doubt. So now he's worming his way back in, first with the I'm-so-sorry-and-let's-be-friends-for-the-kids, but later it could be manipulative and abusive. Sorry, I just don't buy his story, and especially using the Christmas angel tree idea as yet another way to get you to be involved.

If he really wanted to do an angel tree gift, he could ask a friend or family member to work with the chaplain to make that happen. But no, he asks you because he seems to still have some kind of control or influence over you. If the kids' grandmothers or grandfathers are in the picture, why didn't he ask them to contact the chaplain about angel tree gifts? That would have been perfectly fine. But no, he's trying to guilt YOU into doing the gifts, implying that they won't have gifts unless you do something about it -- he should have thought of that before, and contacted a friend or family member to do that.

Take a step back Brooks, and look at what that one single letter from him has already done to you. There you are going along, la-tee-daa, livng your life with your children, trying to do the best job you can as a mother, which is no easy task, and then a letter arrives, and what happens? You're put into turmoil, second-guessing yourself, wondering what to do, agonizing. Oh great. Well, that's exactly what he wanted -- he wanted to affect you, to get you to second-guess your feelings -- and he got what he wanted -- wasn't the no-contact order supposed to protect you from this very type of thing?

Report the letter, that's what I would do. And then try to have some peace and joy with your children over the holidays -- if he wants to communicate with them, then so be it -- but stop falling into the trap of his manipulating you.

johntn · #13 12-08-2011, 12:45 PM

You have gone out a limb and it appears that wasn't enough for him. He continues to make bad choices which is what landed him where he is. It seems he is looking after his own interests, not your's ( or the kids by setting such a poor example for them). He is manipulating you to get his way and he won't stop until he gets his way. You have to be the strong one here and pull the plug. I realize that's easier said than done with your emotions pulling at you, but that's temporary. Not doing the righ thing will lead to regret which will stay with you much longer - your whole life. Think smart and lead yourself out of this.

CoNpal · #14 12-12-2011, 05:24 AM

My view is this...

If a judge issued an order of protection that means he is not safe to be around...for you OR your kids. He obviously has issues and that means you need to protect your kids. I don't care if he is the man that donated his sperm for their life. That's all he is as far as I can tell.

The choice you have to make as I see it is to report the letter to the prison or continue to ignore him. I don't know what he did to you but my inclination is to ignore and not respond at all.

Kay · #15 12-12-2011, 07:30 AM

This man has brought you so much pain and unhappiness. Even if there were a few decent times with him he isn't good for you and never will be. Like Dr. Phil says --- the best indication of future behavior is to look at past behavior. He had many chances to prove himself to be a decent person and he wasted every opportunity. Report the letters and move on. I know it isn't easy but he has stolen enough of your precious time and energy. Hugs for you!