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MarkLovesMe · #26 12-19-2011, 12:26 AM

If he doesn't deal with his addiction and starts using again, you have lost him anyway. It sounds like you really don't have him in the first place if he is willing to put you at risk and potential cause you to have a case for accessory.

None of it is worth it, regardless how you 'think' you love him he doesn't love himself enough.

**LifeTraveler** · #27 12-19-2011, 01:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Missing him <3

gosh you all make it sound soooo much easier then it is. I have been with him a year and 4 months yesterday and ive gone through so much stuff with him..from the most amazing things to the worst. he has been clean for a month now and is saying that as soon as we got to where ever we were going that he would check himself into a year out patient program and do weekly drug tests and send that into the county that hes suposed to do this program for and he says that will clear it all up. my boyfriend may be an addict but I also know who he is clean and I know what he can do when he has a clear mind. hes been struggling with this all his life and now he says hes tired of it and wants to get his life going. idk I know what all of you are thinking ( shut up you're just making excuses for him) that may be the case. but I dont know that im strong enough to say go into this program and deal with loosing him. ugh goshh....

Are you serious? He was sentenced to a program by the courts. He doesn't get to pick and choose what he's going to do. The minute he takes off, he's absconding. They'll be looking for him before he even gets to wherever he thinks y'all are going.

You want to go to jail too? Go ahead. Leave with him. This is NOT a game. If he's serious about getting his life going, he'll go into this rehab program. If you leave with him, you're falling right into his addict game of manipulation. You will NOT be helping him OR yourself.

**lisainengland** · #28 12-19-2011, 01:50 AM

I think you have been given some brilliant advice by all our members on here. If you choose to run with him you are giving him the chance to keep using as well as messing up your own life.
I would tell him calmly that you are not cheating on him but you are not going to prove it by running with him. He has to trust you and go to rehab and whilst he is in there you will still be able to sort any issues out that you both have. Then once the year is up you can start a new life together without having to look over your shoulders every 5 minutes.
I know it will be hard but I really do believe that things will be so much better for you both in the future

auggiesgirl8183 · #29 12-19-2011, 07:24 AM

Boy I wish I had PTO this past summer!!! These people have given you some wonderful sound advice. Just know as someone who thought about this this past summer. Expect to live like you are homeless because they will track you. Expect to go hungry a lot and have to go to food panties to get your next meal ( he will not be able to work and with the economy it will be hard for you to find one that will support the both of you) expect to give up all friendships and family because they will track you threw that. Expect to have no cell phone no bank account no credit cards cash only (these are all ways to track you). You can quit any schooling now because they will track you threw that also. Then dont start crying when the Fugitive task force breaks in your front door throws you on the ground with a gun in you face and when you get out side you dont see 4 cops you see roughly 50 cops. Then dont cry when you get a no contact order and your life with him will be over at least until he is off paper as having any contact is a violation of parole or probation I know you have already made your choice I just wanted to tell you some facts I wish you all the luck Just one last question though If he is tired of that life style then why does he want to run he knows in his heart that you are not cheating and you know it too. Threw NA and counseling I have been told you will never be manipulated by anyone like you are by an addict that is how addicts survive and I think he is still manipulating you sweetheart.

InmateLover67 · #30 12-19-2011, 08:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Missing him <3

gosh you all make it sound soooo much easier then it is. I have been with him a year and 4 months yesterday and ive gone through so much stuff with him..from the most amazing things to the worst. he has been clean for a month now and is saying that as soon as we got to where ever we were going that he would check himself into a year out patient program and do weekly drug tests and send that into the county that hes suposed to do this program for and he says that will clear it all up. my boyfriend may be an addict but I also know who he is clean and I know what he can do when he has a clear mind. hes been struggling with this all his life and now he says hes tired of it and wants to get his life going. idk I know what all of you are thinking ( shut up you're just making excuses for him) that may be the case. but I dont know that im strong enough to say go into this program and deal with loosing him. ugh goshh....

You have to do what is right for you, but running is not the answer.

Have you thought about learning about addiction? I am an A&D counselor and you have no clue what this man is dealing with, because you are not him. Once he gets into treatment, he will learn a lot about himself, his addiction, behaviors, triggers, relapse prevention, and so much more. Like I said before, he needs to focus on his recovery, not your relationship. And, you need to give him the respect to work his program, instead of having him worry about you the whole time.

Nobody is telling you what to do and sometimes when we want opinions or advice on here, people see things that we do not. Maybe that is something you can take into consideration. We are all on the outside looking in, so we may see (in writing) things you are oblivious to. You never know.

You will do what you want whether anyone else likes it or not. I hope that you really consider allowing your b/f to go through his treatment program. He cannot have a relationship with you, until he gets right with himself. I am sure he is saying all the right things, because addicts are VERY good at that.

You can love him and support him through his program, but to even think about running is NOT helping him get the treatment he so needs. I also suggest you get into a support group yourself.

Peace~

shutteringheart · #31 12-19-2011, 10:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Missing him <3

lol all of that is fine except that hes suposed to go into the program tomorrowww!!! theres no way hes going to calm down by then. he wants to leave like now. tonight. its like I KNOW what the right thing to do is. believe me! I WANT him to do the program!! it will be soooo good for him to do it. he always wants to run away from things. when ever problems come up his first reaction is to run. and I think that if I had just a few more days he would calm down enough to do the program. I would absolutly NEVER cheat on my boyfriend and any thing having to do with a guy its automaticly assumed that im going to cheat on him. or that im thinking about it or w/e. i dont know. my life is just one stress right after another!!! hes the only thing that keeps me together and now hes giving me this choice that just doesnt feel fair to me! but I feel like I dont have a choice at all.

Honestly, I don't see why you wouldn't want him to go to get treatment. My honey always thought he could fix himself. He would get clean for a year or mabey even a year and a half but then he would surcome to his addiction. His finally going to a rehab and his in it now. He likes it. He knows they are teaching him the tools he needs so he can deal with this.
If you go with him though you only enable him to eventually fall back to where he was before. And it gets worst everytime they relapse. I know you will miss him like crazy while his at the rehab but at least you will know his safe and his learning.
Otherwise remember the things you get put through because of his addiction. Theres alot worst than him having to go to rehab for a year.

I know his saying if he goes yall will break up but really i think thats a bluff. And if he does, i don't think it will be long before he relizes his mistake.
In the end it will be his decision to get clean or not. But if you run with him your not doing him any favors. Since his put it on you and when he gets caught he will blame you.
I wouldn't go with him. Let him know its his choice to get rehab or not. He knows what will happen to him if he doesn't go. But let him know that you love him to much to run away and let him ruin his life agin. He should trust you. Why else have you been by his side all this time. Don't let him accuse you of something you know you won't do or haven't done.

nixlovingwife · #32 12-19-2011, 01:28 PM

No one is judgung you and I dint think u r making excuses either. The fact is, if he is willing to run, or break up over this, he doesnt have ur best interest at heart. Just talk to him. If he truly wants to be with u, he wont give u an ultimatum. He will do the program and learn to trust u

lovemipapi · #33 12-19-2011, 01:40 PM

i kno i've already commented but it's a true addicts style calle Manipulation! They are some of the BEST manipulators! TRUST ME THERE!

thatwiz · #34 12-19-2011, 01:47 PM

Be the grown up and tell him, he's going to rehab. If he wants to break up, break up. If you love him you know where he needs to be. Tell him you'll continue to support him, but its time for him to go to the program.

Missing him <3 · #35 12-19-2011, 02:52 PM

Alright everyone. we stayed and I just dropped him off at the program. no contact between us at all for the next year because we're not married. BUT point is he came to his sences and hes doing it

HardHeadedWoman · #36 12-19-2011, 08:59 PM

So glad to see he made the right choice!

bumblebee37 · #37 12-19-2011, 09:24 PM

I hope you broke up with him and he went to rehab...I say that because about a week into rehab and sobered up, I would have begged the devil himself to forgive me for anything and everything I had ever done if he would just stand by me.

Well, and maybe bring me some clothes because I lived in a hospital gown for non cooperation.

lovemipapi · #38 12-19-2011, 09:33 PM

im so happy for ya's i kno it's gonna b rlly hard to not have contact but this rlly is best for both of ya's that he get's this done the right way...and he's gonna go thru a rlly ruff time too especially at first which is very normal when they go to rehab!!

InmateLover67 · #39 12-19-2011, 09:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Missing him <3

Alright everyone. we stayed and I just dropped him off at the program. no contact between us at all for the next year because we're not married. BUT point is he came to his sences and hes doing it

Glad to hear that he went to the program, and I wish him much success. He will learn so much while there, if he is open and receptive to what he is taught.

And, my hope is that you will get yourself into some type of program, so you can learn about addiction and how to be healthy support for him. Take care of yourself, while he is getting the help he needs.

My best to both of you!

Peace~

**lisainengland** · #40 12-20-2011, 01:40 AM

I am so glad he has gone into the program. I hope this is the start of a bright future for both of you

**LifeTraveler** · #41 12-20-2011, 04:02 AM

Thank heavens he came to his senses!! It's going to be worth it in the end. It may not seem like it to you right now, but it will all be worth it.

Missing him <3 · #42 12-20-2011, 08:27 AM

thanks everyone! last night was the first night ive went to sleep at a descent time and actually slept through the night in a month! I know that this is going to do amazing things for him and I cant wait to get him back as his new self! thanks for all the support!

nimuay · #43 12-20-2011, 09:11 AM

Be careful, hon. Any rehab only works about 10% of the time; it's not tetracycline knocking out an infection,

Missing him <3 · #44 12-20-2011, 09:27 AM

the only difference is that he wants to get clean. its a very strict christian program that is a year long and it has a verryyy high success rate. I have high hopes for this and alot of faith in my boyfriend. this WILL be a good thing!

shutteringheart · #45 12-20-2011, 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Missing him <3

the only difference is that he wants to get clean. its a very strict christian program that is a year long and it has a verryyy high success rate. I have high hopes for this and alot of faith in my boyfriend. this WILL be a good thing!

I understand exactly how you feel. I too have high hopes for my honey. But I think what nimuay is saying remeber theres always a chance it won't work.
I worry about it not working for my honey as well and I know what decision I'm going to make if that time comes.
But right now his the same as yours he wants to get clean and this is the first time his going to rehab. I'm hoping the tools they teach him will make him successful. And I'm here for him being supportive and with lots of hope. But agin remeber addiction isn't easy and just because they go doesn't mean they will stop.

I know a guy that went to rehab and it was christain based and strict. He was there for awhile but i dont think it was a year. He got out and was sober for 2weeks and then his relapsed ever since.
It all comes down to them. Even though we hope and pray for them remeber theres that chance.

But it does happen where they give it up. I've read some of the success storys here on PTO and it gives me hope.
I hope both our men can kick this.