Going back to old ways when released?

[crystal4679]

Without putting too much detail on here im going to try to explain as best as possible. My boyfriend was locked up May of this year, one week before his 30th birthday, this is his 3rd felony. He was charged with unl poss of a firearm by felon, he signed for 2 years. Before all this happened, he was doing alot of things that he shouldn't have been doing in the first place. Lets just say he wasn't working a normal job to make money. I think this actually may have been the best thing to happen to him cause he was spiraling downhill VERY quickly from using. When he was arrested, he was VERY lucky that he was in a house and not in a car or he would have caught a drug charge as well. The day before he was arrested, we had our first argument about how he was "living" and I just wasn't able to deal with it all, (We had only been dating for about a month). Since being inside, we have brought our relationship to a whole new level. I really believed that he was making changes because he told me how he screwed up and how he planned on doing things differently once he got out of there so we could live a normal happy life. About a week and a half ago, I got a letter from him telling me that he needed to be honest with me about how things are going to be once he gets out, and he hopes that I'm not expecting him to change his "lifestyles" when he gets out. He said he wants to stay sober when released, but with being around it I know he wont be able to. He told me that he loves me, and hopes that I can accept this, and promised that nothing would ever happen to me as a result of his choices. I explained that if we stayed together, his life choices would not only affect him, but it affects MY life as well, especially if he was to catch another case. I mean DAMN.. really? Not even out yet and planning on screwing up? I really dont know what to think or do at this point, but wait to get his next letter to see if he understands that im not trying to change him, but trying to better "us" for the future. I was writing EVERYDAY until I got this letter. Ive wrote one in the last week cause I dont really know where to go from here. Ive also been working on a parole packet for the last month, and just find myself wondering why am I putting more effort into him getting out when he plans on going back to the same choices that got him there. Any advice?

[msp6747]

Originally Posted by crystal4679

Without putting too much detail on here im going to try to explain as best as possible. My boyfriend was locked up May of this year, one week before his 30th birthday, this is his 3rd felony. He was charged with unl poss of a firearm by felon, he signed for 2 years. Before all this happened, he was doing alot of things that he shouldn't have been doing in the first place. Lets just say he wasn't working a normal job to make money. I think this actually may have been the best thing to happen to him cause he was spiraling downhill VERY quickly from using. When he was arrested, he was VERY lucky that he was in a house and not in a car or he would have caught a drug charge as well. The day before he was arrested, we had our first argument about how he was "living" and I just wasn't able to deal with it all, (We had only been dating for about a month). Since being inside, we have brought our relationship to a whole new level. I really believed that he was making changes because he told me how he screwed up and how he planned on doing things differently once he got out of there so we could live a normal happy life. About a week and a half ago, I got a letter from him telling me that he needed to be honest with me about how things are going to be once he gets out, and he hopes that I'm not expecting him to change his "lifestyles" when he gets out. He said he wants to stay sober when released, but with being around it I know he wont be able to. He told me that he loves me, and hopes that I can accept this, and promised that nothing would ever happen to me as a result of his choices. I explained that if we stayed together, his life choices would not only affect him, but it affects MY life as well, especially if he was to catch another case. I mean DAMN.. really? Not even out yet and planning on screwing up? I really dont know what to think or do at this point, but wait to get his next letter to see if he understands that im not trying to change him, but trying to better "us" for the future. I was writing EVERYDAY until I got this letter. Ive wrote one in the last week cause I dont really know where to go from here. Ive also been working on a parole packet for the last month, and just find myself wondering why am I putting more effort into him getting out when he plans on going back to the same choices that got him there. Any advice?

well sorry to hear this . really dont know what to tell you . cause i understand how you feel why work so hard if he plans on messing up . sorry im no help on this but i would be livid

[WilcoMom]

Hun, to me it sounds like there is no 'us' in this relationship there is only a 'him' and he is letting you know that very clearly. He doesn't sound like he has any intention of even trying to be the person you want him to be. If it we me, I'd move on. A one month relationship of this nature can be replaced with what you are really hoping for very easily. But, that's just my opinion.

[KBridge]

You sound so wise and intelligent. But you know you already have the answer, but it is hard to face. I'm with you, why work hard to save someone that's not working harder then you to save himself? And, he can not promise you that you won't be hurt by his lifestyle, don't believe that. I pray that you don't get physically hurt too! You are already hurt and he's not even out yet. Decide what you want to live with I think you must put yourself first!!!! If I were you I would believe what you see!!!!

[Firebrand]

When we get close to being released there are a number of us that a tremendous effort ahead of us where the drug issue is concerned that is often underestimated. In the beginning when first locked up it’s not hard to be humbled or see where you went wrong. Keeping that resolve and carrying it with you after release is easier said than done. I’ve struggled with it as much as anyone I know. As long as the dope house is just up the street and the liquor store a little ways past it, its likely to remain that way. It’s easier to give in to the temptation to self medicate and or make fast money selling drugs if you get out of prison and expect things to be easy.

He sounds like to me that he is disillusioned or in denial about the road ahead and I feel for him because chances are hard times are just a sack a dope away. For you, I would think about what I’m getting myself into at this point before he is released and whether or not you’re willing to put with another situation like the one you’re trying to get out of now.

[finosfamily]

wow thats crazy so sorry you have to hear that frm someone you care bout but i agree with everyone else even tho its hard to do i think you should just get on with your life thats wat he's goin to do when hes released all the heartache your goin thru now not having ur man with you is it worth it to do it again cuz hes being stubborn and wont change

[pennydc1]

Run as fast as you can....when someone tells you how they are, believe them.

[ReggiesLady]

Sorry that he's strung you along this long but he's being honest. He could very well have waited until he got out and then side swiped you with the reality that he isn't going to change. Instead, seems like he respects you enough to tell you the truth. If I were you, I'd walk away and never look back. If he changes for the better down the road, it might work but if he isn't going to change, you shouldn't set yourself up for heartbreak.

[teddy1955]

If he is already planning to go back to his old ways I would have to say run. Addiction is a very difficult cycle to break and it doesn't sound like he wants to and unfortunately you cannot do it for him. Be grateful that he is being honest with you, but run and don't look back. Firebrand is truly telling you like it is.

[Real Checker]

Usually when a convict says they won't make the same mistakes it means they plan on being more careful not to get caught. The "mistake" in such a case is not the committing of an offense, but the way the offense is committed.

Real change is global. The way a person thinks, their values, morals, perspectives are all given over to a new way of living. The only way this kind of change can take place is within a sober mind. Even then if the desire for change is missing change will not happen.

You know that right now your BF hasn't reached that point. At least from what information you provided that is what I conclude and I am sure you have reached the same conclusion. That does not mean that SOMEDAY he won't reach the point of wanting to change, but not now. Do what you want, but if you want to be happy then don't invite unhappy situations into your life.

[britecloud]

this man is doing handing you a gift- honesty. he is not blowing sunshine-y kisses and telling you he will change- he is being flat out real and telling you that he is not open to changing his lifestyle at this point in his life.

take his gift and go. don't let him drag you through the muck with him- because, eventually he will get caught again.

[gizmo01d]

I'm sorry that you're going through this, let me give you something to think about...My husband of nearly 1 yr was my high school boyfriend 20+ yrs ago. In the 20+ yrs that I wasn't around he got at least 8 felonies if not more most of them DWI's. He has done time in both TX & OK. Half of that 20 yrs that I wasn't around he spent behind bars. Every time he gets locked up, he swears that he is changing, but he doesn't. I thought that all he needed was for someone showing him that there's a better way of living, and I was that someone. WRONG!!!...He got out of OK prison in Jan of last yr on a dwi charge. He did real good for about 6 months, then he started drinking and driving again. End of Oct he was picked up again in TX on another DWI. We left him there for 6 wks. That whole time he swore that he wasn't going to drink and drive again. He was charged with another DWI in March in OK. You would think that after 8 dwi's a person would figure out that they can't drink and drive. My point is that, as long as a person puts themselves in the same environment, around the same "friends", 95% of them are going to make the same choices. They have to change their whole way of living including the area they live in. You have to remember that his friends most likely lived that same lifestyle. When he gets out, he's either going to contact them or they're going to contact him and the cycle starts all over. My advise for you, from experience is that since he's already told you that he isn't going change his lifestyle, RUN....Luckily my husband isn't going to have a choice but to change his. Only place he's going to have to live when he gets out is with me because his dad his selling the farm and moving down to live with my sister n law. Everyone else has washed their hands of him, including his sister and brother. I plan to be planted somewhere far away the day he gets to come home. I hope this helps you....

[kf'slady]

I would thank him for his honesty and then politely explain to him how that's not the life for you and you deserve so much better and while you wish him the best, you will not stick around and continue to be apart of his lifestyle.

[crystal4679]

Thanks for everyones replies, you all said what my heart was trying to ignore. Well, I havent heard anything back from him yet, but hes supposed to call tonight. This will be our 1st call since setting up the phone acct, so hopefully everythings done right, what a pain LOL. Well, for now im just going to wait and see what he has to say, I feel since he was honest with me, it would be wrong of me to just quit writing and visiting him. Since hes been locked up, im the only one that has cared enough to pick up a pen. He needs me right now, and I feel its only right to not punish him for being honest with me. Although, I will not put my heart into it 100% anymore. I will start facing the facts that it is what it is and live my life accordingly. Your replies have really helped me face reality and see it for what it is and take a step back to see it from another perspective, I REALLY appreciate everyone!! Ill update you once I hear something back. AGAIN, THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!!!

[montysmom]

Originally Posted by pennydc1

Run as fast as you can....when someone tells you how they are, believe them.

So very true...........please believe this.

[Klewis]

Well at least yours was honest. How many women you think get that. I was a victim of one that lied so much. He never planned on changing because he never thought he had a problem. He kept drama going. We got married and guess what a month later he got his baby mama's name tattooed on his leg talk about immature. I wasted so much time, money and energy on this fool. He did not break me though because here I am again waiting for a man that is locked up. The difference is this guy doesn't remind me anything of my X husband. This guy is not just saying he is going to change he is making a change right now while he is in there. He made honor roll and he is staying out of trouble. He has found faith and I guess it helps that we have known each other 17 years so I can see the change.

Originally Posted by crystal4679

Thanks for everyones replies, you all said what my heart was trying to ignore. Well, I havent heard anything back from him yet, but hes supposed to call tonight. This will be our 1st call since setting up the phone acct, so hopefully everythings done right, what a pain LOL. Well, for now im just going to wait and see what he has to say, I feel since he was honest with me, it would be wrong of me to just quit writing and visiting him. Since hes been locked up, im the only one that has cared enough to pick up a pen. He needs me right now, and I feel its only right to not punish him for being honest with me. Although, I will not put my heart into it 100% anymore. I will start facing the facts that it is what it is and live my life accordingly. Your replies have really helped me face reality and see it for what it is and take a step back to see it from another perspective, I REALLY appreciate everyone!! Ill update you once I hear something back. AGAIN, THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!!!

[4EvaBrokenByHim]

Originally Posted by crystal4679

Without putting too much detail on here im going to try to explain as best as possible. My boyfriend was locked up May of this year, one week before his 30th birthday, this is his 3rd felony. He was charged with unl poss of a firearm by felon, he signed for 2 years. Before all this happened, he was doing alot of things that he shouldn't have been doing in the first place. Lets just say he wasn't working a normal job to make money. I think this actually may have been the best thing to happen to him cause he was spiraling downhill VERY quickly from using. When he was arrested, he was VERY lucky that he was in a house and not in a car or he would have caught a drug charge as well. The day before he was arrested, we had our first argument about how he was "living" and I just wasn't able to deal with it all, (We had only been dating for about a month). Since being inside, we have brought our relationship to a whole new level. I really believed that he was making changes because he told me how he screwed up and how he planned on doing things differently once he got out of there so we could live a normal happy life. About a week and a half ago, I got a letter from him telling me that he needed to be honest with me about how things are going to be once he gets out, and he hopes that I'm not expecting him to change his "lifestyles" when he gets out. He said he wants to stay sober when released, but with being around it I know he wont be able to. He told me that he loves me, and hopes that I can accept this, and promised that nothing would ever happen to me as a result of his choices. I explained that if we stayed together, his life choices would not only affect him, but it affects MY life as well, especially if he was to catch another case. I mean DAMN.. really? Not even out yet and planning on screwing up? I really dont know what to think or do at this point, but wait to get his next letter to see if he understands that im not trying to change him, but trying to better "us" for the future. I was writing EVERYDAY until I got this letter. Ive wrote one in the last week cause I dont really know where to go from here. Ive also been working on a parole packet for the last month, and just find myself wondering why am I putting more effort into him getting out when he plans on going back to the same choices that got him there. Any advice?

It's a very sad reality that most likely most inmates are going to go back to the same life. The Best thing out of all of it is that Your guy was HONEST...which is a NO-NO on the inside (They're taught to string you along). He is giving you the choice that many don't get after dealing with a prison relationship! He's letting you choose whether you want that life or not. You see most don't get the chance you've been given. Either you choose to stay or you don't. Most inmates are wise beyond years when it comes to the hustles of being out here or in there. They have nothing but time on their hands, and believe me they learn to "lay that rap" on you that has you eating out of the palm of their hands. They are so good at it that you don't realize you're cutting yourself short just to make sure they have what they need. So if he's given you the power, take it and run with it. I totally agree with the others "Run, and Run as fast as you can!!"

[faithpato]

Sorry but I am a realist. This guy is being given too much credit as far as I am concerned. His "honesty" is self serving, straight up. He thinks he has you wrapped around his finger (and apparently he does since he "needs you"). He is setting it up so that he can COMFORTABLY go on with his messed up life and won't have to listen to you bitch cause he "told you" what his plans were. If you don't walk away NOW, and don't worry about if he gets letters or visits, you have played his game and he wins all the way around. In this you have NOTHING to win! It obviously isn't what you wanted to hear but there isn't anyone going to tell you that a miracle will happen when HE is telling you otherwise.

[Twash]

You may want to better the both of you for the future but if he has no intention of changing think long and hard sweetheart because you should never settle for less and do not put your life on hold for someone who can care less about what is best for you. You are involved in everything that he does if you are with him, so if his lifestyle is not what you want for yourself walk away...better yet run because enough of your time has already been wasted.

[cadillaclove]

Originally Posted by crystal4679

Without putting too much detail on here im going to try to explain as best as possible. My boyfriend was locked up May of this year, one week before his 30th birthday, this is his 3rd felony. He was charged with unl poss of a firearm by felon, he signed for 2 years. Before all this happened, he was doing alot of things that he shouldn't have been doing in the first place. Lets just say he wasn't working a normal job to make money. I think this actually may have been the best thing to happen to him cause he was spiraling downhill VERY quickly from using. When he was arrested, he was VERY lucky that he was in a house and not in a car or he would have caught a drug charge as well. The day before he was arrested, we had our first argument about how he was "living" and I just wasn't able to deal with it all, (We had only been dating for about a month). Since being inside, we have brought our relationship to a whole new level. I really believed that he was making changes because he told me how he screwed up and how he planned on doing things differently once he got out of there so we could live a normal happy life. About a week and a half ago, I got a letter from him telling me that he needed to be honest with me about how things are going to be once he gets out, and he hopes that I'm not expecting him to change his "lifestyles" when he gets out. He said he wants to stay sober when released, but with being around it I know he wont be able to. He told me that he loves me, and hopes that I can accept this, and promised that nothing would ever happen to me as a result of his choices. I explained that if we stayed together, his life choices would not only affect him, but it affects MY life as well, especially if he was to catch another case. I mean DAMN.. really? Not even out yet and planning on screwing up? I really dont know what to think or do at this point, but wait to get his next letter to see if he understands that im not trying to change him, but trying to better "us" for the future. I was writing EVERYDAY until I got this letter. Ive wrote one in the last week cause I dont really know where to go from here. Ive also been working on a parole packet for the last month, and just find myself wondering why am I putting more effort into him getting out when he plans on going back to the same choices that got him there. Any advice?

im sorry to hear that you are going thru this. has anything changed??

[crystal4679]

Originally Posted by lcantu

im sorry to hear that you are going thru this. has anything changed??

Well I can't say if anything has changed or not, but I have still been there for him hoping that things will work themselves out. Its kind of a subject we stay away from at the moment during our visits and talks.

[surferbum]

I am in the same situation with a female in prison. She says all the same things. But she still repeat offends. She has drug me down with her a couple of times and I have told myself that she is fixable and that I can be there to help. I am just fooling myself as bad as she is fooling me. As some of the others have said. Leave, don't give them another chance, another phone call, or letter. You are just looking for the excuse to cling on. Leave and if he straightens up and really loves you, he will find you and prove to you he is on the level. Good luck.