Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

NikNak88 · #1 02-02-2012, 05:39 AM

Well, I've been debating writing this thread for a minute...because I don't like to make people angry. Not that this particular thread should make anyone angry at all...it's not really that type of thing. But you know, everyone views things differently. So, I've seen multiple posts where people are talking about issues they have in their lives, whether it be family, financial, friends, kids, etc. and they mention how they have no one really to talk to or confide in. They don't want to tell their significant other who is doing time because they don't want to put extra stress on them. THIS is where I get lost. Now I know there ARE things that go on behind the wall that we can't even begin to imagine, unless we've been there. But those circumstances are generally rare. WHAT is it that they can possibly stress over? They don't have to pay the bills. They don't have to worry about being put out on the street for not paying mortgage or rent. They don't have to worry that they may be without electricity or water due to non payment, or fear that they won't eat because they couldn't afford to grocery shop. And here are their women holding ALL of that down, alone, with no one to talk to because she is afraid to stress him out! How is that fair? These women didn't do the crime, why should they suffer out here alone with not even her man giving her moral or emotional support? I don't understand. I get the part about not wanting to upset him. No one wants to make another person upset. But what about you? You're upset. Dealing with it all on your shoulders and it doesn't have to be that way. The majority of these men are not going to shrivel up and die because of a little stress. SHARE the burden! You do not need to go about this all alone. It is not fair. Everyone deserves some support, a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen. Let him know what is going on so he can be that person. If he doesn't know what's going on, he can't offer the support.

That is all.

Sheryl P. · #2 02-02-2012, 05:53 AM

I agree!
If you can't communicate the things (good or bad) that are affecting you then why on earth be in the relationship?
If he is not mature enough to deal with "issues" while in a cell,how in the world can I expect him to cope when he is released?
If he were out here he would be "in the know" so why would I hide things from him just because he is locked up?

Debylg · #3 02-02-2012, 05:56 AM

My husband and I have a very good relationship and he would be upset with me if I didn't share the bad things as well as the good. In general, I think that most men feel helpless to help in the situation so that becomes frustrating to them. I always preface my "sharing" with, I know you can't help me with this, but I have to let you know what's going on. He always responds with emotional support and loving words of encouragement. And lots of times, that's all I need. Many times he'll say, I know this is hard right now, but look what we've already survived. You can do this. If you can't share with your LO, who can you share with? We shouldn't spare them knowing the pain and burdens that come our way, because we are excluding them from our lives. JMO.....

NikNak88 · #4 02-02-2012, 06:09 AM

I KNEW there was something I'd leave out! I thought about that too, that many times women don't tell their guys what's going on because he will feel "helpless" that he can't do anything about it. Well, let him feel helpless then. It can't always be about him. Sometimes he is going to have to feel a little stress, or helplessness in order to help his lady make it through the hard times. There are many times when people who are on the outside can't help us either, but we don't avoid telling them because of it. So what's the difference? And talking about the problems with our inmate that are going on in life out here isn't just about having him "do something about it" but rather just to have someone listen and be there for us.

***I use "he" a lot but this pertains to women inmates also who have their man out here holding it down. Sometimes he needs her to listen and offer emotional support as well.***

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taraadele18 · #5 02-02-2012, 06:25 AM

I agree with you 100%. Share everything. The good the bad, the stress. Whatever it may be. If he's your other half, then he should be told about everything. Theres no reason to be scared you're going to stress him out... What about your stress. I know my fiancé wants to know it all.. And that's what I give him. ALL.

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Indylissa · #6 02-02-2012, 06:33 AM

What type of relationship do you have if you can't be honest with your partner? I tell mine everything, the good, the bad and the ugly. He is my sounding board, he is my saving grace because if it weren't for him sometimes, I would probably deal with some situations a lot worse than I do.

Just because they are locked up, doesn't mean that they want to be treated like they are fragile and will break under duress. My man still wants to be treated like a man, he was the problem solver when he was out, so it is natural that I come to him with problems. That hasn't changed because he has been down for 3 years. It has actually strengthened our relationship.

luvnljcoleman · #7 02-02-2012, 06:55 AM

I agree also. When my boyfriend found out that I had so much going on and I was trying to deal with it alone instead of getting stressed he got upset because I kept it away from him. We don't have much but at least we do have an open line of communication. That means the world to us. The truth of the matter is other than faith, and trust communication is all we have. He was sentenced to life a month ago but have been away from us for 2 months and we have 8 children between the both of us. He knows everything the good, the bad and the ugly. Communication is the key in any relationship.

NikNak88 · #8 02-02-2012, 07:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvnljcoleman

I agree also. When my boyfriend found out that I had so much going on and I was trying to deal with it alone instead of getting stressed he got upset because I kept it away from him. We don't have much but at least we do have an open line of communication. That means the world to us. The truth of the matter is other than faith, and trust communication is all we have. He was sentenced to life a month ago but have been away from us for 2 months and we have 8 children between the both of us. He knows everything the good, the bad and the ugly. Communication is the key in any relationship.

You are absolutely right! And I have to commend you, 8 children between the two of you is more than a lot of women could handle. I know I couldn't. You're doing an awful lot, you definitely need him to listen to the good, the bad and the indifferent. No one should have to go through this all alone.

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143sanchez · #9 02-02-2012, 11:01 AM

my husband and i have good communication but sometimes i dont like to tll him the bad because he just gets sad about it and what can he really do for me all he can say is i wish i could be there to help and then its just gets sad after that we bearly talk i dont want my memory of talking to him to be all debbie downer negative nancy status so i talk to him about the GOOD THINGS so we can share laughs and make jokes out of them in future convos i want him to have material to brighten up my day not be stressing that hes going to call and im going to be all sad if thats the case hed probably just ask if i dont want to be w him anymore so i can be happy n hes the one that makes all that worth it i knew what i was getting myself into when i decided to wait on him cant complain now.. dont get me wrong i vent sometimes about other things and he hears me n gives me advice but its other things not involving the stress i go thru because of him i dont want him to feel im giving up cuz im not

countryzgirl · #10 02-02-2012, 11:10 AM

I agree. He wants to know what's going on in my life and I tell him. Sometimes, though, it's hard to fit everything in a 15 minute call. The limited amount of time we have to talk influences what I choose to tell him. It's frustrating when the phone cuts off in the middle of an important conversation. Hate that!

Landonsmommy715 · #11 02-02-2012, 11:11 AM

Omg!! I can't agree more!!! Ur love should be ur best friend no matter if they in or out of prison...if u can't talk to ur bf/gf then what kind of relationship do u have??

mg113 · #12 02-02-2012, 11:22 AM

NIKNAK88 I totally agree with you!!! I have to say that I am assuming from your name and photo you were born in 1988 ( same age as my son) you have such a good head on your shoulders for a woman your age!!! You have the wisdom that took me 49 years to get.

Klewis · #13 02-02-2012, 11:41 AM

My Fiance' and I have shared a lot of things with each other things that even the other parties involved does not know yet. I share the good, the bad and the ugly and yes sometimes he is stressed. I mean who wants to hear that their child is having medical issues or we might be getting evicted. But my thing is if I can live it and survive it well then he can hear it and do the same.

Mom2res&jhs · #14 02-02-2012, 12:03 PM

I tell all. Happy or sad, good and bad. . .anything and everything in between. It's not easy most days, and I am not going to 'protect' him from the stresses of my daily life. He needs to hear it, just as much as I need someone to share it with and even cry to on occasion. It might make him feel bad, and he thinks/says he feels bad that there is nothing he can do about it... but there is - NEVER put us in this situation again! I tell him to remember how bad it makes him feel that I am out here doing it all on my own and to never forget those feelings of helplessness he is having.

TraeNBoo · #15 02-02-2012, 01:08 PM

Amen sista, if he can't handle the stress in there he surely can't out here so f*&% that!!!

NikNak88 · #16 02-02-2012, 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mg113

NIKNAK88 I totally agree with you!!! I have to say that I am assuming from your name and photo you were born in 1988 ( same age as my son) you have such a good head on your shoulders for a woman your age!!! You have the wisdom that took me 49 years to get.

You're the sweetest thing

actually I was born in 1979

88 is my favorite number

Maybe when I am 60, then I will look 33. My mom is 72 and she looks about 50 or so. I really think its the Asian genes

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Critter07 · #17 02-02-2012, 05:09 PM

THANK YOU!! It's so nice to see a group of people with common sense...

If you're in a relationship with someone, it's supposed to be a partnership; right? We should be there to listen to their issues and stresses and they should be there to listen to ours. Who cares that the other person can't 'fix' it or that it'll make them sad. That's life. Some days are good and some are bad. Some things make us sad, happy, angry or depressed...it's all part of the cycle of life...

Truly, ladies, if you can't talk to him about what's going on out here in the real world, how can you possibly expect him to function out here in it if he's been shielded from real life by you?

Afireinrome · #18 02-02-2012, 06:51 PM

I wrote a rant-about-work letter to my bf the other day. He is my best friend..I tell him everything and I'm so grateful we can vomit our stresses out and work through it. He is my lover and in order for us to have a future together we have to make plans; We have to communicate. The only thimg he doesn't want to hear is his idea of "bad news" which would be me breaking up with him...yeah, that's not going to happen

FastCarGirl · #19 02-03-2012, 12:02 AM

Girl, you know you're preaching to the choir here, lol. The only caveat to what you've already said is we are often their one consistant link to reality and the outside world. In prison they are in control over nothing but themselves, the prison politcs are typically on the level of jr. high with much higher and more dangerous stakes depending on the facility, and they are expected to obey orders and are treated much like children are....they're told what to do, when, what to wear, when to eat, ect.

So when we hold back "reality", stressful or not, we are in essence doing the same thing to them as the institution is already doing....not telling them information for fear they'll act out, and essentially treating them as a child who can't handle it instead of the man he is...and who is expected to handle it appropriately. If they can't handle "stress" or bad news in there, how on earth are they going to be able to handle the stress of real life when they come back out here?

Our men are stronger than you know...and if they're not, they need to take the time they are in to learn some different, more productive coping skills. Do not be afraid to let them be there for you emotionally.

Mitch67 · #20 02-03-2012, 04:14 AM

My man would hate it if I didn't tell him everything - good and bad. Listening is the one thing that he can do well in there and he would hate if I were keeping things from him for whatever reason.

Temeron0926 · #21 02-12-2012, 01:06 PM

I totally agree! It has never even crossed my mind not to tell Ray what is going on in my life. He is my best friend, I tell him everything. I have more than enough stress in my life to add to it by trying to "not stress him out" I know it isn't easy in there for him, but it is a hell of a lot harder out here for me. Yes, prison is stressful and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but, as you said, he doesn't have to worry about where the next rent check will come from, where the next meal will come from, if I can make the car payment......etc.

I have never and will never censor what I say to him. He NEEDS to know how hard it is out here without him. He needs to know how his actions effect me. I don't sugarcoat things on here and I certainly don't do it with him. Reality is a bitch sometimes but there it is.

dtksgrl · #22 02-12-2012, 01:18 PM

I tell my husband everything and it does upset him because he cant help me and he does say he feels helpless but we know each to well and he can hear it in my voice so if I try to play it off he knows better. I was mad about some stuff and was writing an angry letter and he called so I was doing heavy venting about what I wrote about and said I wasnt going to send the letter and he told me to send it anyway because he needs to know about our life. If anything, just the sound of his voice telling me to breathe deep makes it better.

Beachhouse · #23 02-14-2012, 04:11 PM

Ive caught myself not wanting to "stress" him but it's true much of the everyday life stresses have been removed. He doesn't even have to think anymore. It's all done fore him. I got into a frustrating situation with a friend of his and I didn't really say anything. But it grew. I hinted to my guy that I was upset with the friend, but because I didn't want to bother him, it got worse. I ended up causing hurt and confusion to my guy when I should have just talked it out right away. He had to get crummy letters from me and could see I was upset on our visit. I learned my lesson and he did too we can't keep stuff back to save stress because it creates an unbalanced relationship and causes way more stress when he can't just come over and talk to me or pick up a phone.