Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

notahappycamper · #1 02-06-2012, 11:32 AM

Hi ladies...

I have been a member for awhile but haven't posted until today. My guy is currently locked up in county jail has been since October. He has had 4 court dates with no progress except for the lawyer asking for another date. I have zero experience with "this side" of the law. I don't understand any of it. I am becoming very jaded with the justice system. There is no rhyme or reason to any of it. I feel like my life is also being controlled by this system because I am by his side but lately its getting hard...

I guess I just don't know if I can deal with all this or even want too. I struggle to provide him with money on his account, phone money so he can call (which is ridiculous) all while trying to deal with my own bills etc. I feel I have put myself aside and I'm growing resentful. Yes, it was my choice to stay with him because I was always taught to treat people like you would want to be treated.

I am not happy. I am sad all the time, cry daily and the angry I feel for this is overwhelming. Why would anyone choose to commit a crime that they know could lock them up for years? I cannot wrap my brain around it. I have cut down my visits to once a week. I hardly write anymore and this is the first week I didn't send any money. I honestly don't know if I have it in me to deal with this for years. I feel his actions were very selfish.

I do love him. We were best friends before we choose to be together but now I feel betrayed and heartbroken. I just want to grab him and shake the life out of him =(

I'm not alone in feeling this way am I?

luckyhim · #2 02-06-2012, 11:38 AM

First I want to send you a big hug and tell you I'm sorry you are going through this and its ok to feel the way you do. Take some time to really feel your feelings and maybe even express to him how you feel. It could help you release...its ok to do that. We here all understand. If you need to talk ever you can PM me.
Feel better hun!

Loving him forever!

taraadele18 · #3 02-06-2012, 11:50 AM

You're not alone. What you are feeling is very normal and not surprising. You need to communicate with him and tell him how you feel. Don't put a burden on yourself. You have to be able to take care of YOU before you can take care of him. Of course you're gonna feel heartbroken and betrayed. It's hard to look past that. You can't be sad all the time, that isn't healthy for you. You deserve to be happy! I know it can be very difficult when all he has is YOU to depend on, all the weight is resting on your shoulders. I'm clueless about the whole system myself.. I don't think I'll ever be well educated with this stuff. Just talk to him and tell him your true feelings.

Sent from my iPhone using PrisonTalk

Sad_Eyes · #4 02-06-2012, 01:07 PM

You are definitely not alone. Your situation sounds extremely similar to mine at this time. I identified with so much of what you posted. BF in jail for a long time facing possibly years, court stuff going nowhere, struggling about how I feel about his charges, crying and feeling angry, struggling to support yourself and give him money at the same time. I could go on and on. Anyway, I wish I had some solid advice. It is hard to feel so torn. I'm pretty much not dealing very well with it myself. I believe that becoming resentful in a situation like this is a sign that something has to give either way. Telling him how you feel is good, but can sometimes be difficult for many reasons. Feel free to PM me! Hang in there!

Sad_Eyes · #5 02-06-2012, 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by notahappycamper

Hi ladies...

I have been a member for awhile but haven't posted until today. My guy is currently locked up in county jail has been since October. He has had 4 court dates with no progress except for the lawyer asking for another date. I have zero experience with "this side" of the law. I don't understand any of it. I am becoming very jaded with the justice system. There is no rhyme or reason to any of it. I feel like my life is also being controlled by this system because I am by his side but lately its getting hard...

I guess I just don't know if I can deal with all this or even want too. I struggle to provide him with money on his account, phone money so he can call (which is ridiculous) all while trying to deal with my own bills etc. I feel I have put myself aside and I'm growing resentful. Yes, it was my choice to stay with him because I was always taught to treat people like you would want to be treated.

I am not happy. I am sad all the time, cry daily and the angry I feel for this is overwhelming. Why would anyone choose to commit a crime that they know could lock them up for years? I cannot wrap my brain around it. I have cut down my visits to once a week. I hardly write anymore and this is the first week I didn't send any money. I honestly don't know if I have it in me to deal with this for years. I feel his actions were very selfish.

I do love him. We were best friends before we choose to be together but now I feel betrayed and heartbroken. I just want to grab him and shake the life out of him =(

I'm not alone in feeling this way am I?

What I hear from a lot of people, which I am sure you have too, is that you have to put yourself first regardless. It is hard and painful to do, but everything else seems to crumble if you don't at least in my limited experience. Keep your head up!

NeverDull · #6 02-06-2012, 02:00 PM

You are definitely not alone!! It took me a good 3 months to not feel so betrayed and to start trusting again. And that only happened through lots of conversations and arguments....made MUCH more difficult because we couldn't actually talk about his case since everything was still pending and all our communication is monitored. I think that has been the hardest part...I can't ask him WHY he did it and WHY didn't he think about me, about US. My man is not only looking at time but also being deported back to his home country in Eastern Europe and being banned for life from ever returning to the United States. So his decision to commit a crime has had much bigger consequences than he ever would have thought. Dumbass. Anyway, I think the hardest part had been not being able to discuss the elephant in the room (the crime) and our future. So I've had to learn patience (NOT a trait of mine!) and just try to keep moving forward with my life. I keep things light hearted with him as much as I can...not fake...and we still have our deep discussions and disagreements and misunderstandings...but overall I'm just trying to get us both to the point where we can actually TALK about all this stuff when he gets visits. Hang in there...it sounds like you might have some soul searching to do to decide if this is what you want to do. Only you can decide that.

notahappycamper · #7 02-06-2012, 02:50 PM

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I guess my fear is him thinking I am abandoning him which I would never do. We all know they do better with support while inside as well as out. You are all correct in saying I need to worry about me and make me happy because I have not been doing that at all.

I miss him so much. When he calls we get 20 mins maybe if the DO's don't starting yelling LOCKDOWN then he will literally just say I love you and hang up. I deserve better than that! When I go to visit it's a whole 30 mins through the video visitation system. YIPPY! I have not physically seen or touched him since October and to think this could go on for 2 to 7 years that thought makes me ill.

I guess I have some soul searching to do. I will honestly say this is not the life I thought we would have together.

Fancy · #8 02-06-2012, 05:10 PM

Completely understand....and doing this bid with him for several years will not be easy at all, very difficult, taxing on your health, lonely, unfair....so many things....

Not easy. The only way I have made it these 3 years is that I am in my 40s and married. However, I would never ever recommend this lifestyle to a young woman who deserves to be married,, not lonely, and to have children in her childbearing years.

Nights of being alone will get old.

rose80 · #9 02-06-2012, 05:20 PM

Like all the women said above you are not alone. We all are feeling that way one day or another if not everyday! We all have our good and horrible days. Though like I read and agreed before this journey is not for everyone. It's hard. Daily struggle. Loneliness. Flat out just totally blows in all sorts of ways but you have to look at things in a positive aspect. Everything happens for a reason and you have to remain hopeful for your LO. Keep busy and time will go by! I struggle daily as does everyone else but it's always nice to have PTO here to cheer you up, give support and lean on!

BAYBAYWIFE · #10 02-06-2012, 05:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by notahappycamper

Thank you all for your kind words and support. I guess my fear is him thinking I am abandoning him which I would never do. We all know they do better with support while inside as well as out. You are all correct in saying I need to worry about me and make me happy because I have not been doing that at all.

I miss him so much. When he calls we get 20 mins maybe if the DO's don't starting yelling LOCKDOWN then he will literally just say I love you and hang up. I deserve better than that! When I go to visit it's a whole 30 mins through the video visitation system. YIPPY! I have not physically seen or touched him since October and to think this could go on for 2 to 7 years that thought makes me ill.

I guess I have some soul searching to do. I will honestly say this is not the life I thought we would have together.

I'm quite sure no one here thought this the way they would be with their loved ones... But I am young myself and my husband had to do a 10 year bid. I have been with him they whole way. I do not know his and your communication level but me and my husband communicates about everything with an open mind. I do not feel he was being selfish at all I not going to sit here and say I condone to crime committing, but I can speak for my husband and any other real man that live by the man is suppose to take care of their family. I just had to look at it that way he's not just going to go out there and committ a crime for no reason only a mental person would. It have to be a reason some of us know the reason and some don't. Believe me I have had hard days to when I struggled but I managed because I told him I would never leave him stuck. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices cut the phone calls down. Tell him to try to manage his commissary better don't just go get things because the money is there. You never know sometimes cases can turn for the best or the worst his lawyer can be asking for more time to see if the prosecution have a case against your boyfriend. With felony cases you never want to take the first plea because as time goes on the prosecution sometimes come with something better than nthe first time. So just hang in there talk things over with him and most importantly pray and ask God for guidance because that's what kept me and my husband strong til this day.

hisbabyny · #11 02-06-2012, 10:20 PM

this is not a lifestyle that all people can sustain, especially if your not seriously committed to your loved one. the great thing is you dont have to make a decision today. i know this can sound a little corny but try writing all your feelings down on paper and try to let out everything you feel. then maybe speak to him regarding your feelings in a constructive way. only you will know deep in your heart if this is something you can do'

but it may take more time and more info.
maybe you could do a year but you know in your heart you just dont have it in you to do 7 years.

its a big difference.
getting out your feelings is important and also taking care of you! thats something all of us here have to do is take good care of ourselves and we still have to live each day.

BadGrlGoneGood · #12 02-06-2012, 10:34 PM

Well, I can say you're definitely not the only one who has those thoughts and feelings, and even if you were, they are your feelings and therefore they are legitimate. Personally, I don't share that same feeling about my man's incarceration, but that's me.
I do believe that this kind of life is just not cut out for everyone. It isn't easy. It's taxing on your emotions. It's painful and lonely.
I notice that you mention your frustrations with his court dates, lawyers, the commissary expenses, phone costs and more. You also mention that you don't understand why he'd commit a crime knowing the potential consequences. I think it might be helpful to you to try to separate your feelings so that way, frustrations don't get misplaced. There is the anger you have towards the justice system and then the anger you have towards him. Try to keep them separate so that way, if you decide you don't want to stay, it will be solely based on HIS actions and not the actions of the system, which neither of you have any control over.
Like others have said, only you know what's right for you. Of course everyone loves to see couples stay together and pull through the dark tunnels, but not if it's going to destroy you in the process. So you'll have to try to calmly an rationally think it through and decide if it's something that's worth it or not.

godiva1984 · #13 02-06-2012, 10:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by notahappycamper

Hi ladies...

I have been a member for awhile but haven't posted until today. My guy is currently locked up in county jail has been since October. He has had 4 court dates with no progress except for the lawyer asking for another date. I have zero experience with "this side" of the law. I don't understand any of it. I am becoming very jaded with the justice system. There is no rhyme or reason to any of it. I feel like my life is also being controlled by this system because I am by his side but lately its getting hard...

I guess I just don't know if I can deal with all this or even want too. I struggle to provide him with money on his account, phone money so he can call (which is ridiculous) all while trying to deal with my own bills etc. I feel I have put myself aside and I'm growing resentful. Yes, it was my choice to stay with him because I was always taught to treat people like you would want to be treated.

I am not happy. I am sad all the time, cry daily and the angry I feel for this is overwhelming. Why would anyone choose to commit a crime that they know could lock them up for years? I cannot wrap my brain around it. I have cut down my visits to once a week. I hardly write anymore and this is the first week I didn't send any money. I honestly don't know if I have it in me to deal with this for years. I feel his actions were very selfish.

I do love him. We were best friends before we choose to be together but now I feel betrayed and heartbroken. I just want to grab him and shake the life out of him =(

I'm not alone in feeling this way am I?

This is exactly how I've been feeling I also feel overwhelmed and alone. I find myself crying a lot too just know your MIT the only one going through the motions

countryzgirl · #14 02-06-2012, 11:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by notahappycamper

Hi ladies...

I have been a member for awhile but haven't posted until today. My guy is currently locked up in county jail has been since October. He has had 4 court dates with no progress except for the lawyer asking for another date. I have zero experience with "this side" of the law. I don't understand any of it. I am becoming very jaded with the justice system. There is no rhyme or reason to any of it. I feel like my life is also being controlled by this system because I am by his side but lately its getting hard...

I guess I just don't know if I can deal with all this or even want too. I struggle to provide him with money on his account, phone money so he can call (which is ridiculous) all while trying to deal with my own bills etc. I feel I have put myself aside and I'm growing resentful. Yes, it was my choice to stay with him because I was always taught to treat people like you would want to be treated.

I am not happy. I am sad all the time, cry daily and the angry I feel for this is overwhelming. Why would anyone choose to commit a crime that they know could lock them up for years? I cannot wrap my brain around it. I have cut down my visits to once a week. I hardly write anymore and this is the first week I didn't send any money. I honestly don't know if I have it in me to deal with this for years. I feel his actions were very selfish.

I do love him. We were best friends before we choose to be together but now I feel betrayed and heartbroken. I just want to grab him and shake the life out of him =(

I'm not alone in feeling this way am I?

No, Hon. You're very far from alone. Many of us here are admitted Good Girls-me included. I also can't quite wrap my head around the criminal lifestyle (no judgement), seriously reckless choices and choosing actions that expose your loved ones to hurt or hardship. The disappointment, grief, anger, resentment, sadness you're feeling are normal and expected when a LO goes to jail/prison. You are grieving and evaluating your changed relationship. This is so very painful and also very normal.
Your relationship is traumatized and very different than it was before he was arrested. I think it's good for you to examine your feelings about your bf in light of what happened. Things have changed. Your feelings for him might have too. That doesn't mean you don't love him. It just means your perspective and daily life are different now.
If so, that's OK.
Holding down a man really blows, IMO. I chose to wait for my guy after
A LOT of thought. I decided that I'm at a place in my life where I'm able to do this. Years ago, I would have walked away. And that would have been the right thing for me to do.
Hope that helps...

jazzyg · #15 02-06-2012, 11:30 PM

O sweetie feel free to pm me I am going thru the same thing literally same bid and everything this week Ive been pondering the same thing but I know I'm not going anywhere I love him with all my heart I could nvr turn my back on him we r all we have

Sent from my SPH-M930 his

tracie2 · #16 02-07-2012, 05:48 PM

You are certainly not alone. I was going through EXACTLY what you are except this is his third time in. I just couldn't get over that fact. I had a lot of anger. That was mostly the emotion. He and I actually seperated. I wrote him and just told him that I could not do this again. I was hearing the same stuff I heard for 10 years... So we didn't write or talk for a few months. Then I did write and he wrote back and I went to see him and my heart was still right there in his hands... I am still very much in love with my husband. We are older and have been together for almost 30 years so that time apart was the worst I have ever felt. You HAVE to deal with the anger. The best way to do that at least for me was TALK to him. My husband has never been as honest and talked about how he is feeling as much as now. We are working it out but honesty about how you are feeling is a must. That is all just my opinion of course. Best of luck to you.