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Wives & Girlfriends in Prison For everyone who has a wife, girlfriend, or female partner incarcerated.

View Poll Results: What is your relationship?
husband 79 32.38%
boyfriend 149 61.07%
don't know / just friends 16 6.56%
Voters: 244. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 03-04-2012, 11:48 AM
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Default Husbands vs. Boyfriends

Hey guys! First off I should tell you that you are all a rare breed! You are wonderful men for sticking by your women! I asked my husband once if the tables were reversed if he would be waiting on me. He said he would, but I can't help but think that is because I have been waiting for him for so long! I don't know if had he not gone to prison, if he would wait for me.. He says he would, so I should probably trust him on that. But I digress.. the point is, you men are wonderful and your women are lucky to have you!

So, in the husband and boyfriends forum I posted a similar thread that I think had got some really interesting comments. I wanted to post the same thing over here because I am curious about what you all think and how you feel. I know men's and women's brains are wired differently so I am really looking forward to hearing what you guys think.

The question is, are you the husband or the boyfriend and what is the difference between the two? Which would you rather be and why?
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Old 03-04-2012, 03:38 PM
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Wait, would I rather be the husband or the boyfriend? Not sure I understand the question. They're two very different stages of a relationship. I guess if I'm with her long-term I want to be the husband. If not eventually I'll be a friend or nothing. "Boyfriend" is a non-permanent status most of the time. I guess being her husband would be a perk because we could qualify for "family visits" But yeah..."what would you rather be" confuses me because I don't think that what I am is dependent on whether or not she's in prison, it's dependent on where we are in our relationship with each other.
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Old 03-04-2012, 04:45 PM
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Quote:
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Wait, would I rather be the husband or the boyfriend? Not sure I understand the question. They're two very different stages of a relationship. I guess if I'm with her long-term I want to be the husband. If not eventually I'll be a friend or nothing. "Boyfriend" is a non-permanent status most of the time. I guess being her husband would be a perk because we could qualify for "family visits" But yeah..."what would you rather be" confuses me because I don't think that what I am is dependent on whether or not she's in prison, it's dependent on where we are in our relationship with each other.
I really like your answer! I think that is so honest and thoughtful and I don't think any of the women I asked answered that way, out of over a hundred responses!! Thank you
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Old 03-04-2012, 10:36 PM
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No problem. And for the record, I have brought up, in letters, the idea of getting married while she's still in since her earliest "out" date at 85%/80% (a strike count and a felony after-the-fact) would be January of 2015 if I've done my math right...hoping they calculate it differently than I did and that the actual date is earlier than that, but we'll see. However, I don't think it'll be something her and I give serious thought to until she's cleared her reception period AND we know her out date.
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Old 03-11-2012, 07:45 AM
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Right now we are in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage in our MWI relationship. She was just released this week and we are taking it one day at a time. A friend of mine gave me this advice to never get married but to stay in this stage which makes sense on a certain level but I do respect the oath and loyalty that should be involved within the marriage bond. I've been with my current girlfriend for 15 months but prior to that I was married for over 10 years and went thru a divorce. Having been thru this my feel for marriage is slightly jaded in that in seems now more than ever it is like a business agreement. By the way thank you for the compliment hmmm a rare breed or a dying one.
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Old 08-01-2012, 09:03 AM
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I temporarily lost My Girlfriend of two years to the judicial system. And surely there may be a difference if we were married. For certain, the issues of looking after her girls would have been simplified.. And certainly that piece of paper would be more to encourage me to conform to our vows.. However I will not wave from my dedication to serve my Lovely Princess to the best of my ability.. Indeed she made a mistake,, and we (Nichole, the 4 girls, and I) are paying the consequences now.. But I'm convinced that all this is in a good cause. For it has really brought all six of us together, in a tighter bond.. With lessons to be learned by all, making the Love that I feel between my Lady and our four girls all the more worth living for...

And which would I rather be,, married or simply a boyfriend? I'll answer that question with a statement. I plan on asking my Nichole to be my wife on New year's Night.. Please don't tell her,, I want it to be a surprise!
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Old 08-01-2012, 02:32 PM
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If the roles were reversed, and I were the one who was incarcerated, I don't think I would EVER get married, or even have a boyfriend, under those circumstances. The idea that my significant other might not be faithful would just drive me insane. To be fair, I know that there are a few guys out there who would stay loyal, but just the possibility that he may not would just be too much for me to deal with.
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Old 08-06-2012, 07:35 AM
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I am remaining faithful to my wife while she is locked up in prison. As a husband it is my duty too. If/when she gets out, then if she wants to leave and divorce we will deal with that at that time.
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Old 09-20-2012, 12:56 PM
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Right now I fall under the boyfriend category, hope to change that one day. Even with out that piece of paper I know there is no other woman in the world I would rather be with. Not waiting for her isn't even an option in my mind.
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Old 10-23-2012, 10:33 PM
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Quote:
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Right now I fall under the boyfriend category, hope to change that one day. Even with out that piece of paper I know there is no other woman in the world I would rather be with. Not waiting for her isn't even an option in my mind.
Where in VA is your girl locked up at? Mine is in VA as well....Arlington Detention Center for now.

I fall under the boyfriend category as well, known her for three years.

Last edited by obfresh79; 10-23-2012 at 10:36 PM.. Reason: forgot to answer the question
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Old 12-06-2012, 12:06 AM
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I agree with several posts here. Iade a commitment to my wife and its my duty and responsibility to stand by her. This is a time of rebuilding for us both. I miss her tremendously but our day is coming. We still have just over 3 years to go on this journey but purpose is being revealed for me and I will not waiver. Yes its lonely at times but there is light at the end of the tunnel and its not a train. Keep pushing gentlemen!!!
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Old 12-08-2012, 08:54 AM
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I agree with several posts here. Iade a commitment to my wife and its my duty and responsibility to stand by her. This is a time of rebuilding for us both. I miss her tremendously but our day is coming. We still have just over 3 years to go on this journey but purpose is being revealed for me and I will not waiver. Yes its lonely at times but there is light at the end of the tunnel and its not a train. Keep pushing gentlemen!!!
Mike you sound like a awesome guy ! You honoring your commitment to you wife will not be forgotten . That has to help her cope knowing she does not have to worry about what you are doing ..She has enough to deal with without having to worry about her husband . I truly believe that when she is released your releationship will be very strong . I say this because my son is incarcerated and his wife has been with several men in their home and he knows about it and it has been hell on him . He said to me "Mom I can't worry about her in here it will get me killed " I hope that you stay strong ! There are not alot of good men or women left in this world . Being lonely for 36 months will be so worth you having her for the rest of your life . Hang in there . Cause there is light at the end of the tunnel !!
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Old 12-17-2012, 05:08 AM
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I am fightin the fight too standing firm to my vows....10 years down 10 to go YippeeEEE we are half way done! (what that old joke...how far do you travel IN to a forest? the answer...HALFWAY because the rest of the time you're traveling OUT...LOL)" So we are heading out!
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Old 01-08-2013, 09:20 PM
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My wife and I have been married for 21 years. We were friends for a while, but never even went on a date before we were engaged. We were married three months later and have been together ever since. She's only been incarcerated for three months now, and to be honest I am a little lost without her, but I would no more cheat on her than cut off my own arm. I guess to answer your question in a clearer way, I believe it is easier for Husbands to stay true because they have made a lifetime commitment.
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Old 03-18-2013, 12:29 PM
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We're officially "friends." We love each other very much, but she is very cautious because of a history of abuse, and we both don't see a reason to rush things. She's got at least two years until she paroles and is doing a life sentence. She is the love of my life, and I would marry her tomorrow, but I am patient and will wait for her to get there on her own, no matter how long that might take.
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Old 08-14-2013, 09:18 AM
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Tomcres I understand how you feel as my situation is very similar. Shell and I have been friends for over 20 years. We lost touch for a good while but found each each again. The feelings we had long ago were still there. Last year she went through a short incarceration for hearings and I did what I could to help. Thankfully she was let out to a program and I moved to VA to start our life. There were many issues and life getting in the way. We separated and I moved back home. She had issues and I tried to help her but March of this year she was back inside. Now she faces over 3 years. I understand only 85% is mandatory in VA as long as she demonstrates behaviour. I am in love with her and know she is the only one for me. This even though we still have many issues to work through but then who doesn't. Only time will tell how and what she wants to do after her time is up but until she tells me otherwise.... And even if that happens she if a close friend!!
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Old 09-27-2013, 03:41 PM
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Boyfriend of 12 years. We are both divorced, kids are grown and gone. I told her when we first began that I was never going to marry again. I think it ruins a lot of relationships as in expectations and wanting the other to change for you. No more kids for us, no joint property, each have our own cars, etc.. She sometimes makes little comments but we are happy and that's what matters!
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Old 12-20-2013, 10:28 AM
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Default Wish we would have gotten married before court

I am the boyfriend of a wonderful woman who made a mistake. We are engaged and we talked about getting married before her court date for her violation but we didn't want to act as if she would be going away. When she was sentenced we were crushed. We were suspicious that she might be pregnant and that was confirmed when she got to county. Luckily her out date comes before her due date. Yes she is only doing six months. But I am having trouble with custody issues concerning her two daughters thathe would be so much easier if we had gotten married before. It is too late now to fix the problem so we are going to wait until she gets out. I hate that she is going through the pregnancy without me and I miss her so much I can hardly stand it. But I have read a lot here that has helped a lot and I feel a little guilty being upset when so many others have it so much worse. But even though some consider six months to be a short time my life is upside down and it seems like forever.
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Old 05-02-2014, 10:08 AM
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I am the husband. We got marryed before there was any even remot thought of her going away. Not sure if I would have steyed with her if she went in when we were just boyfriend/girlfriend... Luckly no children, but looking forward to it when she gets back.
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Old 10-24-2014, 06:40 AM
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Default Boyfriend or Husband

I am the Boyfriend on and off these past 10 years and she always talks about how she wants me to be Happy, The only thing that would make me Happy is to be with her all the time, she was supposed to get out this Nov but the tacked on 3 more years now I do not know , we have talked about it but every time I ask her to marry me she says we will see. But I will just be the boyfriend for now.
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Old 09-20-2015, 08:32 PM
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The question is, are you the husband or the boyfriend and what is the difference between the two? Which would you rather be and why?
We've known each other for a few months. She has 5 years left to serve. I consider myself the boyfriend instead of just a friend because our connection is undeniable. I will wait for her and if we get continue to write for the next 5 years and get along as well as we do now after we are in each other's presence after her release, then my intention leans towards being the husband. She and I have to have that discussion at some point and as we communicate through letters and visits, we'll eventually talk about everything.
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Old 09-20-2015, 08:40 PM
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If the roles were reversed, and I were the one who was incarcerated, I don't think I would EVER get married, or even have a boyfriend, under those circumstances. The idea that my significant other might not be faithful would just drive me insane. To be fair, I know that there are a few guys out there who would stay loyal, but just the possibility that he may not would just be too much for me to deal with.
Wifey...I think it is just smart to wait to get married. If the relationship withstands the time of the sentence, and both get along well after release of the incarcerated half of the couple, then it would be time to get married. But, some don't want to wait so more power to them. I understand your point but there are a few of us faithful guys around. That said, if you were incarcerated and married while inside...and later found out hubby cheated, it would seriously damage the marriage. It would for me too. I'm faithful and loyal and expect the same.
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Old 07-31-2016, 10:25 PM
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I have to agree with AltheBiker. Marriage is a very serious commitment and there are several factors involved with being romantically involved with someone that you met while incarcerated. The fist issue is time. If you are lucky, you get a couple of 20 minute phone calls every week, write a letter or two each week, and get to visit for an hour once a month or so. That isn't a lot of time and most people are guarded.

By that I mean that they are on their best behavior and you don't really see them as they are. They filter their comments and attitudes to project a positive image. Additionally, trust is precious behind the walls. It doesn't come easy and it takes a lot of time to establish. Then there is the fact that you and your intended are in environments that are different culturally and with different rules and that tends to change behavior. So it really is better to wait to tie the knot.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to become friends and really get to know one another, learn to trust each other, and then wait for them to be released and get used to being around each other to make sure that you are still comfortable being together. If the emotions are still there, then it will be time to get married.
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Old 08-01-2016, 12:03 AM
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I have to agree with AltheBiker. Marriage is a very serious commitment and there are several factors involved with being romantically involved with someone that you met while incarcerated. The fist issue is time. If you are lucky, you get a couple of 20 minute phone calls every week, write a letter or two each week, and get to visit for an hour once a month or so. That isn't a lot of time and most people are guarded.

By that I mean that they are on their best behavior and you don't really see them as they are. They filter their comments and attitudes to project a positive image. Additionally, trust is precious behind the walls. It doesn't come easy and it takes a lot of time to establish. Then there is the fact that you and your intended are in environments that are different culturally and with different rules and that tends to change behavior. So it really is better to wait to tie the knot.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to become friends and really get to know one another, learn to trust each other, and then wait for them to be released and get used to being around each other to make sure that you are still comfortable being together. If the emotions are still there, then it will be time to get married.
This is a great insight for any relationship really...minus the "waiting to get released" part if you meet someone in the free world. But for MWI, and even those of us who are MBI, I think it's great advice. Dee and I plan to get married, but our post-release plan involves her going to her parents and use going on "dates" and getting used to each other again. We want to make sure we have that space, we want to make sure this is right, and I've told her, I love her and I want to be with her but if she gets out and this is just not for her then she needs to have the freedom to walk away from it, as do I technically. I don't want her to feel she's just in this because I did this or that. We have incredibly strong feelings for one another dating back to before she was locked up, but let's be realistic, how we work together now might not be what it was five years ago.....

So even for MBI, I feel like this advice applies.

It's funny, I have actually been talking about marriage and what works/what doesn't with several of my married friends recently and the picture they paint is so far off what I've always thought marriage looks like or what I want out of it. I guess we'll see what happens.....

-E
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Old 08-05-2016, 03:54 PM
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The question is, are you the husband or the boyfriend and what is the difference between the two? Which would you rather be and why?
I'm a husband. Being a boyfriend is usually a temporary state. If the relationship's serious and she's The One, you go the husband route. If not, you go away. Which would I rather be? I've loved and been in love with my wife for 27 years, only the first 5 of which we were able to be together. If we hadn't had our daughter things might have worked out differently. I was so damned hurt and angry with her for what she did and for causing us to be separated I think I might have walked if we hadn't been married and been parents. Kids need both parents, which gave me some incentive to remain married to her when she first went in. I came to realize that she wasn't responsible for what she did as we talked frankly over time. I realized I still loved her and needed her and she loved and needed me. It isn't always easy but what worthwhile thing ever is?
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