The Ones That Make Me Shudder

[Firebrand]

Today was kind of a sad end to a situation that I’ve been keeping up with since the beginning of the year. A woman up in Montana had been kidnapped and murdered in the early part of January by a couple of guys who’d been smoking crack while making their way up from Colorado. Both of the men have criminal records and it looked like for awhile that maybe the lady was still alive. The FBI found her body in a shallow grave in the western part of North Dakota on the 20th and so, it’s comes to an end in a way.

For all the years I’ve spent in prison, for all the faces I’ve seen in there and all the drama endured, I think about some of the men that stand out in an odd way who somehow fit into a realm which these two men that committed this crime are a part of in a sense that is hard to describe. People that society has locked away and hopes to forget about, but whom I remember very well. I can’t say that I’m an angel in light of the robberies I’ve pulled, but…..the beast has never had a hold on me in the way that it has some men that I’ve done time with.

I think of a guy I did time with on the Michael unit down in Tennessee Colony around 2004 that was serving a life sentence for murdering a woman and then sawing her legs off so she’d fit inside a 55 gallon drum that he threw in a lake somewhere. To look at him on most days, you’d think he didn’t have a care in the world. He was into the gang thing and a real instigator, but when it came time to man up and face whatever foe there was to be dealt with, he was a coward. On occasion when he’d talk about his crime, all he had to say was “Sh%t happens. She was a sorry b*t&h and deserved what she got” and that was about the extent of it. He didn’t have a care in the world nor much of conscious to go with it. Prison to him was not such a bad place it seemed like in spite of how hard many of the men were on that unit. He was detached from it all as if he were on the way to the grocery store and it started raining; no big deal, it’s just a little rain.

Up in Amarillo from 2000 - 2002, I had a cellie who’d sexually assaulted his daughter when she was 12 and was given an aggravated 25 year sentence. From a distance, he appeared to be the 45 year old man that he was at the time. In other ways though, he was almost childlike. It was one of those things that if you didn’t know him, you’d never see the child inside of him that was always timid and hiding from you in a way.

On a couple of occasions I’d been given a Penthouse or Playboy that someone offered to let me read & admire there in the pod where we were housed. I did 9 years flat during that stay and occasionally it was a comfort to be able to look at a beautiful woman in a magazine and remember, ya know? I always made it a point to ask my cellie if he wanted to look at the magazine before I gave it back. Each time he said “no”, but it wasn’t until the 2nd time that I realized he really thought it was disgusting that anyone would want to look at a woman in that way and he was rather vocal about the issue. It caught me off guard and while he went off into this spool about why it was wrong, I thought about how excited he’d become when a conversation about anything to with going to the park, a skating ring, the movies or the topic of “girls” came up; girls not women. After he finished speaking, I remember making the comment to him “You know….I don’t get it, Cellie. Who are you to catch an attitude with me for wanting to look at a woman in a Playboy when you did something as low as violate your own 12 year old daughter? That doesn’t make any sense.” He sat there on his bunk and dipped his head for a moment and then said “I know that what I did was wrong. I love my daughter, but I know that I have to pay for what I did.” That was the only time we ever talked about the crime that landed him in prison. He was one of those people that had only been arrested once in his entire life and it was for the crime he’d committed against her.

Sometimes, it’s hard to make sense of what really compels some men in this life. You hear clinical definitions of what a psychopath is or a sociopath or a pedophile and yet still, you’re appalled at how fierce the beast that lives in a man can become when another person is victimized in such a brutal way. I’m reminded of a line in the movie “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”. The villain who was responsible for all the deaths of the women he’d preyed upon said towards the end of the film “I do what every man dreams of. I take what I want.”

Some of us are beyond doing what we dream of, though, for the sake of doing what is right. I’ve been arrested 3 times in my life for robbery and the last one I pulled in 1997 was the one that broke me. It wasn’t the 15 years in prison, the hard benches, the bad food or the bad people I had to live with that did me in. It was the tears of the woman I robbed that compelled me to stop. When I saw how much I’d hurt her in the emotional or psychological sense, it affected me in such a way that I’ve never robbed or stolen from anyone ever again. The drugs didn’t stop there for awhile and I’d even go back to prison again for a 2 ½ year parole violation. Still, the beast that lives in me is something that I refuse to allow to have that much control over my will anymore where the issue of taking and wanting is concerned. Its one thing when other people make me shudder, but I can’t stand the thought of making anyone else shudder because of my actions. In that regard, taking and wanting are lines that I can’t cross when I think of those tears that were shed back in 1997.

Thoughts from Firebrand

[perduesgirl]

Firebrand,I have always wanted to be a writer but I tend to ramble and can't seem to say it the way I think it. You write beautifully.You put thoughts onto paper and somehow bring us into them too. Your experiences become ours. If you haven't or if you don't get a book out it would be a loss for sure. Thanks Firebrand

[Sheryl P.]

Sometimes I think that is what God does,allows us a glimpse of anothers pain and struggles.
Thank you for letting us see yours Firebrand.

[Real Checker]

That's what makes crime vs. punishment such an illusive issue. Those who make us shudder in most cases have people who love them (maybe supporting them and maybe not) ... but those who know and at least once loved them are always effected. Your cellie who was an SO for instance could very well have someone on this very forum counting the days until his release. It is a hard decision to make, those who are incorrigible and those who would change. So they all get lumped together the prey being preyed upon and the wolves unaffected and with no hope. It is sad all the way around for the victims and the perpetrators. I too have met some who I literally prayed would never be released because I could see into their heart and shuddered in fear. It seems the more sociopath a person becomes the harder it is to notice the separation from reality. I had one cellie who was doing life for dismembering his elderly Sunday School teacher. After a month or so sharing the same cell I came to realize that his only remorse was being in prison where he could no longer prey on people and get away with it. He was a young guy, maybe 23 or 24, and he is one that I prayed would never get out. He was dangerous.

I appreciate your "Thoughts from Firebrand" and look forward to each installment. Your writing is very good and always though provoking. Sometimes when you write I feel like I am right beside you in the joint because I have the memories to provide the backdrop, only I am not nearly as good at putting into words my thoughts as you are.

[law~curious]

Originally Posted by Firebrand

Today was kind of a sad end to a situation that I’ve been keeping up with since the beginning of the year. A woman up in Montana had been kidnapped and murdered in the early part of January by a couple of guys who’d been smoking crack while making their way up from Colorado. Both of the men have criminal records and it looked like for awhile that maybe the lady was still alive. The FBI found her body in a shallow grave in the western part of North Dakota on the 20th and so, it’s comes to an end in a way.

For all the years I’ve spent in prison, for all the faces I’ve seen in there and all the drama endured, I think about some of the men that stand out in an odd way who somehow fit into a realm which these two men that committed this crime are a part of in a sense that is hard to describe. People that society has locked away and hopes to forget about, but whom I remember very well. I can’t say that I’m an angel in light of the robberies I’ve pulled, but…..the beast has never had a hold on me in the way that it has some men that I’ve done time with.

I think of a guy I did time with on the Michael unit down in Tennessee Colony around 2004 that was serving a life sentence for murdering a woman and then sawing her legs off so she’d fit inside a 55 gallon drum that he threw in a lake somewhere. To look at him on most days, you’d think he didn’t have a care in the world. He was into the gang thing and a real instigator, but when it came time to man up and face whatever foe there was to be dealt with, he was a coward. On occasion when he’d talk about his crime, all he had to say was “Sh%t happens. She was a sorry b*t&h and deserved what she got” and that was about the extent of it. He didn’t have a care in the world nor much of conscious to go with it. Prison to him was not such a bad place it seemed like in spite of how hard many of the men were on that unit. He was detached from it all as if he were on the way to the grocery store and it started raining; no big deal, it’s just a little rain.

Up in Amarillo from 2000 - 2002, I had a cellie who’d sexually assaulted his daughter when she was 12 and was given an aggravated 25 year sentence. From a distance, he appeared to be the 45 year old man that he was at the time. In other ways though, he was almost childlike. It was one of those things that if you didn’t know him, you’d never see the child inside of him that was always timid and hiding from you in a way.

On a couple of occasions I’d been given a Penthouse or Playboy that someone offered to let me read & admire there in the pod where we were housed. I did 9 years flat during that stay and occasionally it was a comfort to be able to look at a beautiful woman in a magazine and remember, ya know? I always made it a point to ask my cellie if he wanted to look at the magazine before I gave it back. Each time he said “no”, but it wasn’t until the 2nd time that I realized he really thought it was disgusting that anyone would want to look at a woman in that way and he was rather vocal about the issue. It caught me off guard and while he went off into this spool about why it was wrong, I thought about how excited he’d become when a conversation about anything to with going to the park, a skating ring, the movies or the topic of “girls” came up; girls not women. After he finished speaking, I remember making the comment to him “You know….I don’t get it, Cellie. Who are you to catch an attitude with me for wanting to look at a woman in a Playboy when you did something as low as violate your own 12 year old daughter? That doesn’t make any sense.” He sat there on his bunk and dipped his head for a moment and then said “I know that what I did was wrong. I love my daughter, but I know that I have to pay for what I did.” That was the only time we ever talked about the crime that landed him in prison. He was one of those people that had only been arrested once in his entire life and it was for the crime he’d committed against her.

Sometimes, it’s hard to make sense of what really compels some men in this life. You hear clinical definitions of what a psychopath is or a sociopath or a pedophile and yet still, you’re appalled at how fierce the beast that lives in a man can become when another person is victimized in such a brutal way. I’m reminded of a line in the movie “The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”. The villain who was responsible for all the deaths of the women he’d preyed upon said towards the end of the film “I do what every man dreams of. I take what I want.”

Some of us are beyond doing what we dream of, though, for the sake of doing what is right. I’ve been arrested 3 times in my life for robbery and the last one I pulled in 1997 was the one that broke me. It wasn’t the 15 years in prison, the hard benches, the bad food or the bad people I had to live with that did me in. It was the tears of the woman I robbed that compelled me to stop. When I saw how much I’d hurt her in the emotional or psychological sense, it affected me in such a way that I’ve never robbed or stolen from anyone ever again. The drugs didn’t stop there for awhile and I’d even go back to prison again for a 2 ½ year parole violation. Still, the beast that lives in me is something that I refuse to allow to have that much control over my will anymore where the issue of taking and wanting is concerned. Its one thing when other people make me shudder, but I can’t stand the thought of making anyone else shudder because of my actions. In that regard, taking and wanting are lines that I can’t cross when I think of those tears that were shed back in 1997.

Thoughts from Firebrand

That's why its so important that we be aware who we put in the judges seat. And I think that its imperative that they all be God fearing in order to make just decisions. Its a fact that some cases need to be dealt with gently. And that judge has to be a man of God, and have at least a small amount of wisdom to be fair.
Because the truth is......just like every other species God created.......you got your good and bad. And some people are just mean. Born, living,and unless they have a real spiritual awakening, will probably die that way. Then you have people that are good that fall victim to bad situations and some of the curvea balls that life throws. And they need a judge that judges with his heart and not with the book.(and vice~versa) Because there are some offenders that the book is too good for.And I truly believe that if we had more men of God,instead of men of men on the benches.....we could grasp some of that illusivness that checker spoke of!

[missmybebe]

Amazing!!! Reminder... Book: "Thought's From Firebrand" ... Dedicated to my friends from PTO

[walkingtourist]

You're a great storyteller, Firebrand. You really make me feel as if I am there with you. I can see the woman's tears.
It was the sensitivity to that woman that caused you to stop your life of crime. It is that same sensitivity that makes you such a great writer.
I just want to hug you.
(((hugs)))