Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

hizgirl123 · #1 03-17-2012, 11:15 PM

Has anyone faced the "stigma," of being married or involved with someone in prison?

I have a couple good friends who I have shared where my hubby is and of course my family. All are extremely supportive. I work from home, so I have no one questioning me about my husband.

I recently met this really nice lady who we have become casual friends. I just found out she is a CO at our local prison. Now I am not sure how to approach her on the subject of the hubbs?? Should I not further the freindship or trust that she'll be open to being my friend? I have not really felt this "stigma," feeling before. I know shouldn't care what people think, right??

She has invited me out to lunch and church. I don't like not being truthful with her so I have made excuses up as to why I cannot go. Any advice.

Irish Girl · #2 03-18-2012, 07:18 AM

I don't know about California, but in New York there is a regulation, believe it or not, that forbids DOCS staff from associating with formerly incarcerated persons, their friends or families, without reporting it to their superiors. Having said all that I am friends with someone who works in the system whom I've never told about my husband. We've ended up being really good friends, and I feel guilty and dishonest not having told her. I'm planning on telling her, but haven't yet knowing that she may be really pissed and that it may be the end of the friendship, or maybe it won't. But it's going to be uncomfortable and so I've been procrastinating for one reason or another. My advice, tell her and let her choose. It will be a bigger problem later.

When I first started seeing my husband, unbeknownst to me my next door neighbor was a guard on his block. His wife and kids used to come over to my yard and play with my dog. When we all figured out I was starting to see this man at the facility where my neighbor worked, his wife and kids stopped coming by and the neighbor barely spoke to me again. The stigma is real and long lasting. I ended up moving anyway and did not miss living next door to the guard. It got me so paranoid that letters would be stolen, that my house was being bugged, etc. The stigma can run deep and hard.

JKB's Girl · #3 03-18-2012, 11:40 AM

I personally would not pursue the friendship, there are just too many "what if" situations that come into play. She may be acquainted with guards where your husband is and while she may not be a "loose lipped" person, how will you know unless something that may seem like an innocent comment to you comes back in some manner.

It is unfortunate that these types of considerations can come into play, however they are very real, and why add any unnecessary worries or stresses to a relationship that already has enough built in stressors.

JMO

hizgirl123 · #4 03-18-2012, 12:38 PM

Thank you ladies for your reply.

I agree that I shouldn't pursue the friendship. Im thankful to come to PTO and get some good feedback. Sometimes it takes another persons perspective for you to see it clearly yourself.

Thanks!!

I also forgot to mention that she is married to a guy who really liked me back in the day, so that alone would have been a bit uncomfortble. LOL

uk599905 · #5 03-18-2012, 04:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hizgirl123

I agree that I shouldn't pursue the friendship. Im thankful to come to PTO and get some good feedback. Sometimes it takes another persons perspective for you to see it clearly yourself.

Thanks!!

I also forgot to mention that she is married to a guy who really liked me back in the day, so that alone would have been a bit uncomfortble. LOL

Be honest with her. Seriously... be honest. If you suddenly cut ties, without saying why...she may wonder why you've just "gone cold" on her and she may be upset. You have nothing to be ashamed of... 1 in 100 Americans are in the system... it probably isn't the first time she's encountered this issue, it may be the 1st time she's had someone be honest with her though! . So telling her that you know puts her in an awkward situation and gives you a get out.. and her too. And everyone is in the loop as to to what's going on.

Many CO's are just normal people doing a normal job.. to pay the bills... give her the credit and she may surprise you. But, I'd be personally more worried about the last thing you said... about her guy being a guy you knew back in the day.... lol.. That could be awkward.

shawnee77 · #6 03-26-2012, 12:46 PM

I would feel her out a bit, and then be honest... " I know you work at the prison, so I need to share with you etc etc. and I hope that this does not hinder our friendship, however if it does then I understand. " If she is a real friend, and a real christian she wont judge you and will want to continue your friendship, if not then you dont want her as your friend anyway... but let her make this choice she may surprise you.