Warning signs of abuse?

[Mndseay]

I've read in numerous threads by numerous users about signs of a potentially abusive relationship. I was wondering your opions of, what are the signs?

Sent from my M860 using PrisonTalk

[tee.dot.q]

What kind of abuse are you talking about specifically? Is this specific to relationships with those who one met while incarcerated?

[Klewis]

Controlling rather its who your friends can and can not be or rather you go somewhere or not. They get angry if you miss a phone call. They usually start out verbally abusive and depending on how well you accept that then it goes further. They brainwash you in to thinking you can not live without them so therefore whenever they do strike you, then can say how sorry they are and how they won't do it again and you will believe them even when you don't want to.

[Southernsun]

It starts as lil verbal remarks that give u that sinking feeling then it gradually gets worse til u r sitting there crying thinking about what you think you did wrong ( its not you btw) them it progresses to objects flying across the room then fist flying at your face.....a broken jaw later u realize it THEM that have the problem YOUR the sane one. Took my x 10 yrs to make me realize HE was crazy one and I deserved better ( some would I was slow but he was very manipulative)

Sent from my MB860 using PrisonTalk

[tee.dot.q]

I'm moved this thread to our domestic violence forum - I think that there is lots of great insight here.

I hope you get the answers you seek

[yourself]

It's a subtle thing at the start. They have to suck you in, or you'll never accept further or worse abuse. It starts with playing your emotions - little comments, little digs. It grows into control issues - "you're not going to wear that are you?" which progresses to "you look like a slut" which progresses to "you are a slut". It's distrust at a fundamental level, so they start poking through your cell phone, looking at your email. They start weeding out your friends, "I don't like her, if you love me you won't talk with her". Then family, then the next thing you know, he's your entire world, and the only source of support. He starts controlling your finances, until the next thing you know, he's giving you money for groceries, just enough for groceries, and no more. He counts your change, checks your receipts, and times your outings.

He totally isolates you - no family, no friends, you can only eat with him, and only what he tells you, "you're not going to eat that, are you? I don't like fat women". Sex is always on his terms and when he demands it.

You start realizing you're living for his approval, and your own opinion of stuff takes a backseat, and eventually you completely ignore your own needs.

The physical stuff will also start out very subtly. He'll grab you a little too hard, and tell you he didn't mean it. He'll lightly tap your face. He'll get angry and slap you, but it's all your fault or so he says. It escalates. Any bruises you have you feel guilty about, "if only I hadn't antagonized him.... if only I hadn't made him mad" Even real injuries get ignored because he says you're not really hurt and you believe you caused him to do it.

In between, he can be soooo sweet - everything you ever thought you wanted in a partner. He'll bring flowers (like that makes up for a broken collar bone). He'll do things for you, for your own good - but it's the same script as when he abuses you.

Eventually, your own barometer of right and wrong is completely out of whack. It's what he says, what he believes. You are a drone, and even that's not good enough.

You can look up "warning signs of domestic violence" for more information from a wide variety of sources, but you'll see the theme - control. Control through jealousy, isolation, control of living situation, money. Control of everything. And, everything gets blamed on you.

[nimuay]

this is a list from another thread in this forum, and you'll probably recognize a lot of it.


SIGNS OF THE BATTERER

* He is jealous.
* He blames others for his faults.
* He blames circumstances for his problems.
* He demonstrates unpredictable behavior.
* He belittles his partner verbally.
* He cannot control his anger.
* He always asks for a second chance.
* He says he'll change - that he won't do it again.
* He may have been an abused child, or witnessed his father's abuse of his mother.
* He plays on his partner's guilt. (If you loved me you'd ... )
* His behavior often becomes worse when he uses drugs or alcohol.
* He is closed-minded. His way is the only way.
* He may seem charming, gregarious, gentle to non-family members.
* He dislikes women, believes that "a woman's place is in the home, and that men have the right to control women.
* He abuses his children.

Adapted from the Mennonite Domestic Violence Task Force pamphlet.

http://www.metrobatteredwomen.com/battering.html

Many women are interested in knowing how they can predict whether or not they are becoming involved with an abuser. There is not a "typical victim " or "perpetrator". Any woman can be battered, regardless of age, race, nationality, sexual orientation, educational background, or socioeconomic level. Battering usually occurs between a man and a woman partner. However, violence can exist in other domestic relationships as well; lesbian battering and older parents beaten by their adult children are examples.*

Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in people who beat their partners. If the person has several (three or more) of these behaviors, there is a strong potential for physical violence – the more signs a person has, the more likely the person is a batterer. In some cases a batterer may only have a couple of behaviors a woman can recognize, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things). In the beginning these behaviors can be "explained" by the batterer as love and concern. However, as time goes on these behaviors become more severe and serve to establish, keep, and strengthen power and control over the victim.

*To facilitate reading, there are places within this at which the word "he" is used to name the role of the abuser. This wording is not meant to discount the various situations in which domestic violence occurs.

* JEALOUSY: At the beginning of a relationship an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It’s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. The abuser will question his partner about whom she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of time she spends with family, friends, or children. As jealousy progresses, the abuser may call her frequently or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may refuse to let her work for fear she will meet someone else, or even do strange things such as checking her car mileage or asking friends to watch her.

* CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first the batterer will say that this behavior is because of concern for his partner’s safety and well being. The abuser will be angry if his partner is "late" coming back from the store or elsewhere and will question her closely about where she went, to whom she spoke, etc. As this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let his partner make personal decisions about the house, her clothing, going to church. He may keep all the money or even make her ask permission to leave the house or room.

* QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together. An abuser comes on like a whirlwind, claiming, "You’re the only person I could ever talk to," "I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone." The abuser will pressure his partner to commit to the relationship in such a way that later she may feel very guilty or that she is "letting him down" if she wants to slow down involvement or break off the relationship.

* UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all of their needs; the abuser expects his partner to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, friend, and will say things like, "If you love me, I’m all you need – you’re all I need." She is supposed to take care of everything for the abuser emotionally and in the home.

* ISOLATION: The Abusive person tried to cut off his partner from all resources. If she has men friends, she’s a whore; if she has women friends, she’s a lesbian; if she’s close to her family, she’s "tied to the apron string." The abuser accuses people who are supportive to his partner of "causing trouble." The abuser may want to live in the country without a phone, may not let his partner use the car (or have one that’s reliable), or may try to keep her from working, going to school, or church.

* BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone is out to get him, someone is always doing him wrong. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame his partner for upsetting him and keeping him from concentrating on the work. The abuser will tell his partner that she is at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

* BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: The abuser will tell his partner, "You make me so mad," You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you," or "I can’t help being angry." The abuser really makes the decision about what he thinks or feels but will use feelings to manipulate his partner. Less obvious are claims that "You make me happy," or "You control how I feel."

* HYPERSENSITIVITY: An abuser is easily insulted, claiming his feelings are hurt when he’s really mad, or taking the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. The abuser will rant and rave about the injustice of things that happen – things that are really just a part of life, like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told behavior is annoying, or being asked to help with chores.

* CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: This is a person who kills or punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain and suffering. The abuser may expect children to do things that are way beyond their ability (such as, whipping a two-year-old for wetting a diaper) or the abuser may tease children or young brothers and sisters until they cry. The abuser may not want the children to eat at the table or will expect them to stay in their room all evening while the abuser is home.

* "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to throw his partner down and hold her down during sex. The abuser may want to act out fantasies during sex where his partner is helpless and will let her know that the idea of rape is exciting. The abuser may show little concern about whether his partner wants to have sex or will use sulking behavior or anger to manipulate her into compliance. The abuser may start having sex with his partner while she is sleeping or demand sex when she is ill or tired.

* VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser degrades his partner, cursing her, running down her accomplishments. The abuser will tell his partner that she is stupid and unable to function without him. This may involve waking his partner up to verbally abuse her and not letting her go to sleep.

* RIGID SEX ROLES: The abuser expects his partner to serve him, perhaps saying that she must stay at home, or that she must obey him in all things- even things that are criminal in nature. The abuser will see women as inferior, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.

* DR. JEKYLL & MR. HYDE: Many women are confused by their abuser’s "sudden" mood changes – they may think that the abuser has some mental problem because one minute the abuser is really nice and the next minute the abuser is exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who abuse their parents, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.

** The following four signs are found in those who are indeed batterers.

* PAST BATTERING: An abuser may say that he has hit women in the past but it was the woman’s fault, or that it was the only time. The woman may hear from relatives or ex-partners that the person is abusive. A batterer will beat any woman he is with if she is with him long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.

* THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This includes any threat of physical force meant to control the woman – "I’ll slap your mouth off." "I’ll kill you." "I’ll break your neck." Though most people do not threaten their partners, a batterer will try to excuse threats, saying that "everybody talks like that."

* BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is used mostly to terrorize his partner into submission. The abuser may beat on tables with his fist, throw objects around or near his partner. Again, this is a very remarkable behavior – not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there is a great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten their partner.

* ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: This may involve a batterer holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, any pushing or shoving. The abuser may hold his partner against the wall and say, "You’re going to listen to me!"

[Sheryl P.]

People who batter their partners have a period of ramping up where the abused person learns to try and placate and walks on egg shells followed by the abuse which is often followed by a period that keeps the abused person trapped because the abuser says they are so sorry,they will never do that again,they somtimes give gifts as an "amends" and desire the abused person accept their 'apology".If the abused person tries to leave or does not seem impressed by the "apology",that is when they are in the most danger and should use all efforts to assure they are safe.Don't think getting the clothing is worth a confrontation for example.If your gut tells you that leaving is dangerous,it probably is!Get out but take steps to try and do it as safely and with as little confrontation as you can.The sooner you leave an abusive relationship,the better.