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  #51  
Old 01-15-2012, 09:28 AM
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Al-Anon. You need to do this for yourself. Don't worry about what will happen to him or his baby mama. Say a prayer for his child. Don't beat yourself up too much about this- we are all flawed in our own ways. Love yourself and get to a meeting. If you don't like the meeting try a different night and/or a different location. You'll find one that is right for you and people who you will connect with. I'm so sorry you're going through all this I know it's hard.
Good luck to you
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  #52  
Old 01-15-2012, 12:54 PM
delvenia delvenia is offline
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Originally Posted by LostLove4ever View Post
I dont know where to begin. I have wrote on this website in the past but to make a long story short. I met a guy Feb 2010, we hit it off right away and he had a child on the way. I ignored all the red flags that he was really cheating on the mother of his child with me and was living with her. This was due to the fact that we were together 247. I didnt want a relationship but I fell for him hard.

Our times would be fun and good. I have known his brother for years. Until we would go and get hotels and he would want to do drugs. He would hide it and I have NEVER been around anyone that did drugs so I didnt know how addicted he was. I know people who have done it but nothing serious.

Months went on and we got closer. They started fighting and the drugs grew stronger.

We would go out and end up on missions with him where he would get upset to not take him to get. It was ALWAYS my money. he never paid for anything because he didnt have a job, or a car or money. (but i am the codependent type that takes care of their boyfriends does everything they say)

sometimes i would take him and sometimes I wouldnt. He ended up going to jail and taking him being in there and relapsing that I realized it might not stop. His family started making him come to me for everything and his baby mother kicked him out before thanksgiving.

He would always get mad at the world and take his anger out on me becaise I was the only one that would take his shit and I still do. He would make me feel guilty about everything! he would say i know your gonna leave me. I knew I shouldnt have left my family. "You dont see how selfish you are for not seeing that and wanting everything to be about you."

I always would fight back but accept it, ignore it and move on. I took it all. The drugs got worse and my money got lower and lower. I oferdrafted a few times, he would put me in danger and it wasnt until 1 month ago after Thanksgiving.

He finally HIT me. slapped me was on crack and xanex (crack is his drug) He is the SUPER SUPER paranoid and would never trust me and accuse me. always would talk about STDs that I would give him one, he would always take his baby mamas word over mine, call me a child, act like a woman, etc.

He stole his baby mamas car the next day and is now sitting in jail for carjacking, domestic violence and violation of probation for sudden robbery.

If anyone can answer me a few questions or please please GIVE me your input. It truly does make me feel better. Because tonight he spoke to her after 2 weeks and she is moving and taking the baby to Georgia. I told him dont have any contact with her and of course he called her bc he found out she put minutes on the phone.

I knew this was gonna happen. I knew she was going to miss him and want to be ok with him and now he can talk to her and tell him he is sorry etc and loves her. (this is me talking!) bc he says she doesnt want to talk to him etc.

I was SOOOO upset on the phone, crying bc he was like i need you to be the bigger woman and if they call u dont pick up.

ITS NEW YEARS EVE!!! this is how I want my phone call to be with him, for him thinking im a child and saying "FINE IF YOU CANT HANDLE THIS I WONT CALL U ANYMORE!" I SHOULDNT TELL YOU ANYTHING!

He thinks im selfish because I want to be cared for once in my life. I want to be loved.

He hung up the phone on me and said "FUCK YOU"!

I have been hysterical crying ever since. The one person I need to kick out of my life and I cant, is telling me fuck you and probably talking to her now or wishing he never messed it up.

This man has been addicted to drugs for over 10 yrs, has prior record has hit the woman he loved, stole, cheated and a professional manipulator and liar and I CANT LEAVE HIM!!!!

I dont know WHY I CANT!!!! I hate myself, I am depressed, sad and dont know who i am or love myself bc i feel like his maid.


1. for those chargers do you think he is facing prison time?

2. Do you think he will change?

3. Does he love her or me?

I see he is a monster and writing this shows me how horrible he is.

My thing is I dont want them to get back together and be happy. Not saying I dont wish happiness but I want happiness with him. Im afraid to end it and I wait because I am afraid he would change and get clean and find love before I heal and get over him.


PLEASE I WELCOME ALLLLLLLLL ANSWERS GOOD OR BAD!!! please!!!!
i am so sorry to tell you this, but he doesnt love either one of you because he doesnt yet love himself. i was in a similar situation, the only difference was I was the one being cheated on. Why do you feel that you need to subject yourself to this type of treatment? first you need to heal and find self-love and self-confidence and then you can find a man who will love you for you.
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  #53  
Old 01-15-2012, 01:10 PM
delvenia delvenia is offline
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Originally Posted by LostLove4ever View Post
I know this isn't the life for me. With him having a drug addiction and myself having a co dependency addiction its a ticking bomb that has exploded before but now its nuclear.


He said fine, dont bother coming Tuesday and i'll holla at you.

I blocked him on facebook and blocked his phone account and im changing my number. I dont think the fear of him is bigger than the fear of being alone and not helping or trying to fix this situation (my codependency)

I feel sooo bittersweet. im scared for Tuesday bc I have a feeling she would visit him now. (yes, i know dont think about that)

but Im happy i stood up for myself. he thinks i dont have anymore minutes on the phone.

Should I write him and tell him how i feel????

I will be going to another al-anon meeting. The only reason why its hard is because of work and more work after work. I love telling my side to let it out. and hearing others.


I cant believe he cried wolf saying how much he would never go back to her, or talk to her even and now is playing the "I wanna see how my daughter is, is she gonna press charges??" why cant u understand that???? and now lied to me about her visiting. and now all in love again. it makes me sick to my stomach.

Thank you again
Please take it from me, HE IS NOT GOING TO LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!!

In my situation, i had to leave him. I got tired. If he cares for you, then this stuff would not happen. It seems as if he doesnt care ANYTHING about you. Please leave him alone!!! Do you enjoy the pity party?!!! He will do this forever and I am sorry, but it is women like this that will subject themselves to being with a man that they know is with someone else that allows men to continue to do these types of things to women. Love yourself more than self-pity.
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  #54  
Old 01-15-2012, 01:59 PM
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Originally Posted by LostLove4ever View Post



He was very calm about it and mentioned we should just be friends!



THIS WAS MY MOMENT!!!!!!!!!! AND I BLEW IT! I COULDNT FATHOM HIM BEING SO CALM! I REACTED WRONG AND SAID YES I AM HERE AND I LOVE HIM.

this is my time to leave and I CANT!!! I HAD IT IN MY HAND TODAY AND I CHOSE DIFFERENT. I WAS AFRAID.

HOW CAN I END IT NOW AND BE FRIENDS IF I MISSED MY OPPORTUNITY???????


I ALWAYS GET AFRAID HE WILL GO BACK. HE SAYS IF WE DONT WORK OUT HE WILL DO HIM AND GET BETTER. HE SAYS HE WANTS ME TO BE STRONG AND HAPPY WITH HIM AND MAKE SURE WE ARE BUILD OUR RELATIONSHIP. HE SAYS HIS LIFE IS IN HER HANDS BECAUSE SHE CAN SHOW UP TO COURT OR NOT SHOW UP TO COURT. HE SAYS HE IS LEAVING IT UP TO GOD IF I WANTED TO GO A FEW MONTHS WITHOUT TALKING THAT WOULD BE FINE. IN MY MIND I JUST FELT LIKE THERE WAS AN UNDER LAYING MOTIVE BECAUSE THERE IS NO TRUST RIGHT NOW.

I GUESS I SAID THESE THINGS BECAUSE I DIDNT WANT HIM TO FEEL ABANDON AND UPSET.

AM I WRONG? DO YOU THINK HE IS LYING? OR BEING SERIOUS?

I HATE THIS I GET THE COURAGE TO LEAVE AND THAN TAKE 2 STEPS BACK!!!
Why do you worry so much about him being with her? She has his child and he probably is still with her, but niether the less, you need to worry about you!!! It sounds like he is trying to kindly let you know that he doesnt want to really be with you without hurting you. Take this opportunity and run.
The easy solution is either change your phone number or put a block on the phone. How can you be in love with someone who treats you so badly I am going to pray that you find the strength to want better for yourself and move on.
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  #55  
Old 01-15-2012, 02:26 PM
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Originally Posted by delvenia View Post
Why do you worry so much about him being with her? She has his child and he probably is still with her, but niether the less, you need to worry about you!!! It sounds like he is trying to kindly let you know that he doesnt want to really be with you without hurting you. Take this opportunity and run.
The easy solution is either change your phone number or put a block on the phone. How can you be in love with someone who treats you so badly I am going to pray that you find the strength to want better for yourself and move on.
She obviously still has feelings for him...
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  #56  
Old 01-21-2012, 12:52 AM
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I'm so glad you found your inner strength. Keep that focus because I hate to tell you this, but it's not over. It has only just begun. He will continue to call and so will she. There is no trust in that relationship and he has visions of grandeur. Stay focused. We are all here for you. You can always pm me if you ever feel the need to contact him. I have been there but unfortunately I was the bm without the baby. My ex cheated all the time and I would always listen to his bs and take him back and they would always call me. It's a never ending cycle until YOU make the choice to remove yourself from the equation.

I'll tell you a story, I remember being pregnant (I had a miscarriage) and I was sitting there with my feet in one of those massage water things. Well she was on the house phone calling me and he took the phone from me. She was screaming I love you, he was screaming I love her (me). After I lost the baby I went to therapy and I told the therapist about that situation and she asked me what were you doing. I said nothing, just sitting there. She made me see this crazy triangle I was in. Unfortunately I stayed for far too long after that. The situation never changed just the other woman....and that one never actually left, just more came into the picture.

Again, pm me if you ever get the urge to contact me. I will "type" you through it LOL
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  #57  
Old 03-12-2012, 04:06 PM
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Talking MONTHS AND FEELING 99% GREAT W/ 1% of WORRY!

Hello Everyone,

It has been a while since I last spoke on here and I decided today to come and read some post from the website again. Re-reading all my post and replys was scary! I didn't realize how different I am looking back now.

I have not spoken to him since January and the last time I decided to cut it off is when his baby mama called me and said they were still talking. After I told him I will not be with you if you are still telling her the same. As soon as she told me that. It was 100% confirmed this man is OUT of my life.

She called me another time saying she was done with him for good and I can have him but I came to her as a woman and supported her and told her to get help and about Al-Anon and she was like " WOW he really messed you up!" Which I took kind of offensive because I am the one seeking help! Your the one that is not. That was the last time I heard from anyone.

It's now March and I haven't felt better. Love myself more, stronger and just being a healthier person too!!!

My mind on the other hand, LOL not so much. The part that is hard is thinking about him everyday. I question myself everyday.

He is in jail, got arrested in Dec. Still in there. I found out that she got back together with him and it hurt but not as much as before.

I question everything.

Is jail changing him? What if he really wants to change and is being the sweetest guy to her and really promises her all these changes?

Would staying in jail longer than his average 3-4 months change him?

But at the same time when I question myself, I still have friends that say,

Dont even worry about her, she is the one believing him through that glass, she has to deal with him for the rest of her life.

I know he loves his daughter but why would she go back to him after she has been through worse than me and the reason he is in jail is because of domestic violence and grand theft auto against her.

I just wanted to update you guys and let you know I am so much happier. I never wanna speak to him or see him again.

However, I constantly get fears and panic attacks when I think of him getting out and trying to contact me.

I know i'm done but its the bad memories that make me upset with regret like why did i let him do me like this. I never let any guy treat me as bad as he did.

Thanks Everyone!!!
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  #58  
Old 03-12-2012, 04:26 PM
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Originally Posted by LostLove4ever View Post
I dont know where to begin. I have wrote on this website in the past but to make a long story short. I met a guy Feb 2010, we hit it off right away and he had a child on the way. I ignored all the red flags that he was really cheating on the mother of his child with me and was living with her. This was due to the fact that we were together 247. I didnt want a relationship but I fell for him hard.

Our times would be fun and good. I have known his brother for years. Until we would go and get hotels and he would want to do drugs. He would hide it and I have NEVER been around anyone that did drugs so I didnt know how addicted he was. I know people who have done it but nothing serious.

Months went on and we got closer. They started fighting and the drugs grew stronger.

We would go out and end up on missions with him where he would get upset to not take him to get. It was ALWAYS my money. he never paid for anything because he didnt have a job, or a car or money. (but i am the codependent type that takes care of their boyfriends does everything they say)

sometimes i would take him and sometimes I wouldnt. He ended up going to jail and taking him being in there and relapsing that I realized it might not stop. His family started making him come to me for everything and his baby mother kicked him out before thanksgiving.

He would always get mad at the world and take his anger out on me becaise I was the only one that would take his shit and I still do. He would make me feel guilty about everything! he would say i know your gonna leave me. I knew I shouldnt have left my family. "You dont see how selfish you are for not seeing that and wanting everything to be about you."

I always would fight back but accept it, ignore it and move on. I took it all. The drugs got worse and my money got lower and lower. I oferdrafted a few times, he would put me in danger and it wasnt until 1 month ago after Thanksgiving.

He finally HIT me. slapped me was on crack and xanex (crack is his drug) He is the SUPER SUPER paranoid and would never trust me and accuse me. always would talk about STDs that I would give him one, he would always take his baby mamas word over mine, call me a child, act like a woman, etc.

He stole his baby mamas car the next day and is now sitting in jail for carjacking, domestic violence and violation of probation for sudden robbery.

If anyone can answer me a few questions or please please GIVE me your input. It truly does make me feel better. Because tonight he spoke to her after 2 weeks and she is moving and taking the baby to Georgia. I told him dont have any contact with her and of course he called her bc he found out she put minutes on the phone.

I knew this was gonna happen. I knew she was going to miss him and want to be ok with him and now he can talk to her and tell him he is sorry etc and loves her. (this is me talking!) bc he says she doesnt want to talk to him etc.

I was SOOOO upset on the phone, crying bc he was like i need you to be the bigger woman and if they call u dont pick up.

ITS NEW YEARS EVE!!! this is how I want my phone call to be with him, for him thinking im a child and saying "FINE IF YOU CANT HANDLE THIS I WONT CALL U ANYMORE!" I SHOULDNT TELL YOU ANYTHING!

He thinks im selfish because I want to be cared for once in my life. I want to be loved.

He hung up the phone on me and said "FUCK YOU"!

I have been hysterical crying ever since. The one person I need to kick out of my life and I cant, is telling me fuck you and probably talking to her now or wishing he never messed it up.

This man has been addicted to drugs for over 10 yrs, has prior record has hit the woman he loved, stole, cheated and a professional manipulator and liar and I CANT LEAVE HIM!!!!

I dont know WHY I CANT!!!! I hate myself, I am depressed, sad and dont know who i am or love myself bc i feel like his maid.


1. for those chargers do you think he is facing prison time?

2. Do you think he will change?

3. Does he love her or me?

I see he is a monster and writing this shows me how horrible he is.

My thing is I dont want them to get back together and be happy. Not saying I dont wish happiness but I want happiness with him. Im afraid to end it and I wait because I am afraid he would change and get clean and find love before I heal and get over him.


PLEASE I WELCOME ALLLLLLLLL ANSWERS GOOD OR BAD!!! please!!!!
First of all i'm sorry tour going though this, now i know just how you feel on the inside, i was once there where you are at, i throught i could not live with out him, or had no where to turn to. but i finelly got away from him and meet me some one so worth being with and i gave my self to God i for the first time in my life love who i'am no matter what pepole think or say, i so wish i could talk to on the phone b.c i feel your pain so much, it sounds like me long time ago, but you do need to get some help and let this man go, he is killing you in so many ways. PLEASE PM IF YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOME ONE I'M HERE,
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  #59  
Old 03-12-2012, 05:39 PM
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Originally Posted by LostLove4ever View Post
1. for those chargers do you think he is facing prison time?

Yes, possibly.

2. Do you think he will change?

NEVER!!! Only 1% of abusers who go to anger management classes - who go for THEMSELVES - stops abusing.

3. Does he love her or me?

Neither. He can't love himself, so how can he love either of you.

I see he is a monster and writing this shows me how horrible he is.

My thing is I dont want them to get back together and be happy. Not saying I dont wish happiness but I want happiness with him. Im afraid to end it and I wait because I am afraid he would change and get clean and find love before I heal and get over him.


PLEASE I WELCOME ALLLLLLLLL ANSWERS GOOD OR BAD!!! please!!!!
Baby, you'll never be happy with this man. One of the common denominators of a victim and her abuser is low self-esteem. It's how they react to it that determines whether they are abusers or victims. Darlin', call 1-800-799-SAFE and find out where your nearest shelter is so that you can get the free counseling FOR YOURSELF and help yourself down the path to survivorhood. If I can help any, just PM. I care and I have walked down the victim stroll. I broke my cycle of violence with the help of some wonderful ladies. And I will be eternally grateful to God and to them.

Michele
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  #60  
Old 03-12-2012, 05:48 PM
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With all due respect and as hard as it is to do. Find a guy that will pamper you with love and joy. Moving on wont be easy. My mom was beat by my step dad nightly. Un-tell she hit him with a cast iron pan. And thru him out took her a year to move on. Change is tough but some time the greatest things in life are the hardest to do.
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  #61  
Old 03-20-2012, 10:25 PM
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Originally Posted by LostLove4ever View Post
Hello Everyone,

It has been a while since I last spoke on here and I decided today to come and read some post from the website again. Re-reading all my post and replys was scary! I didn't realize how different I am looking back now.

I have not spoken to him since January and the last time I decided to cut it off is when his baby mama called me and said they were still talking. After I told him I will not be with you if you are still telling her the same. As soon as she told me that. It was 100% confirmed this man is OUT of my life.

She called me another time saying she was done with him for good and I can have him but I came to her as a woman and supported her and told her to get help and about Al-Anon and she was like " WOW he really messed you up!" Which I took kind of offensive because I am the one seeking help! Your the one that is not. That was the last time I heard from anyone.

It's now March and I haven't felt better. Love myself more, stronger and just being a healthier person too!!!

My mind on the other hand, LOL not so much. The part that is hard is thinking about him everyday. I question myself everyday.

He is in jail, got arrested in Dec. Still in there. I found out that she got back together with him and it hurt but not as much as before.

I question everything.

Is jail changing him? What if he really wants to change and is being the sweetest guy to her and really promises her all these changes?

Would staying in jail longer than his average 3-4 months change him?

But at the same time when I question myself, I still have friends that say,

Dont even worry about her, she is the one believing him through that glass, she has to deal with him for the rest of her life.

I know he loves his daughter but why would she go back to him after she has been through worse than me and the reason he is in jail is because of domestic violence and grand theft auto against her.

I just wanted to update you guys and let you know I am so much happier. I never wanna speak to him or see him again.

However, I constantly get fears and panic attacks when I think of him getting out and trying to contact me.

I know i'm done but its the bad memories that make me upset with regret like why did i let him do me like this. I never let any guy treat me as bad as he did.

Thanks Everyone!!!
I am proud of you!! Been there, done that and I know it is hard. keep us posted. I know i would love to know how things are going
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  #62  
Old 04-08-2012, 05:16 PM
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so im kind of nervous. It has been over 3 months since I let my crack addict ex-boyfriend go. Heard through the grapevine he could be getting out this Friday. I have slowly growing and working on my happiness and it all was because I put him out of sight and out of mind.

I am nervous and I am nervous and anxious for 2 scenarios.

1.) I am nervous he will contact me. Event though I will never get back with him. I am afraid I will give in and just hear what he has to say. Event though i dont want to.

2.) I found out that him and his baby mother got back together. (Let me remind you that he is in jail because he stole her car from pushing her to the ground and grabbing her keys and remind you he has abused her in the past and lied, cheated and stole.)
I am nervous that he wont even try to reach out to me at all. even though I dont want him too, i will feel bad that I am the one that he threw away and I am afraid that he will tell everyone I helped him get drugs and I used drugs. Even though I was the one that was threatened and lied to and pressured to give him and i was enabling him without knowing because I have never been in this situation.

I am just afraid he will get out thinking he is this changed man and has his relationship back and bad mouth me to make himself look better, when people ask what happened between us.

He is 31 yrs old and not the most mature. He def. was one to talk behind everyones back.

just the thoughts I have, the pit in my stomach, just want to prepare myself if he gets out.
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  #63  
Old 04-09-2012, 04:56 AM
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You have to be strong and be ready to walk away again if he tries to contact you.

You have no idea if he has changed and the last thing you need is him dragging you back down. You know you are better and happier without him.

Let he say what he likes about you and your relationship etc. You know the truth and that is all thats important.

Stay strong for your own sake and dont let this man have any impact on any part of your life again
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Old 04-23-2012, 05:10 PM
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Hello Everyone,


I know the last post I wrote I was sounding a lot stronger and happier about being done with my drug-addicted ex boyfriend.



AND I AM STILL HOLDING STRONG! STILL NO CONTACT WITH HIM AT ALL!!!



He recently got out of jail on the 13th and contacted me right away. Mind you, he moved back in with the mother of his child and has been using her phone to contact me.
On Thursday at 2:00 am to about 10:00pm he was harrassing me and threatening me that he was going to come to my house and show my parents all our texts, messages etc. (He would always use this against me to do stuff for him or make me scared, since my parents didnt know we were dating)
Every text he sent me was a bi-polar text. One minute it would be we need to talk, i miss you,im sorry. To saying, your just a hoe and your just made I didnt want you and You think this is funny I will have the last laugh.
I was sitting at work fuming because he would'nt stop. He called me a child for not answering him and I let it get to me. I couldn't help it. I burst out crying and my friend got on the phone with him and put him straight. Everyone of my friends calls him a pyscho and he is going crazy because I didnt answer him.
He texts me later that night apologizing that he and her will never be together again, he is moving out and wants to work hard for our relationship. I still didn't answer him and now he decided to stop texting and commenting on my facebook and decided to post pictures of her and saying how much he loves her and how they are taking showers together, etc. He removed my business fan page off of his


This is what is really hurting. The rejection without him even speaking to me. He decided I am not worth the fight because I didnt fold in this time and now he is back in love with her. I know obviously he doesnt since he could say all this stuff to me. But I now wish I spoke to him, I now wish I couldve ended it smoothly or as friends. Why am I not the one that is worth it or he would fight for.
The feeling of him wanting me again and me saying NO was so empowering but now i feel so empty like he woke up and said I dont need her. He lied to me to everyone saying I slept with all his friends to make himself look good.
Why did I have to be harrassed and treated like this? why does he have to talk to me like I am still his side girl?
Will he ever gain respect or regret what he did?
My friend who is a yr clean in NA said he hasnt even gotten help yet. His mind is still in the disease. He got off with no probation so i know he is drinking and even smoking pot. Im sure it wont take long before he goes back to the drugs.
But she told me it didnt matter that he was in jail drug free for 4 months, his mind is not clear. is this true?


I started going to AL-ANON meetings before anyone reminds me to go! lol I enjoy it but the fear and anxiety and questioning has left me numb again and lost.


Thank you for all who reply! It REALLY REALLY HELPS!!! No matter how harsh!!!

I HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO HIM AT ALL AND STILL DONT WANT TO! I know I am official done and will never go back but why does my mind still feel like I am in love or with him again?
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:20 PM
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Stay strong and keep going to the Al-Anon meetings. Honey, this man doesn't love anybody but himself, and he is showing you that in more ways than one. He's still deep in the throes of his disease. Trust me when I tell you he is NOT a healthy person for you to be around. Stand strong. Believe in yourself. LOVE YOU!! YOU must come first. Don't fall for any of his tricks. We're here for you when you need us.
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Old 04-23-2012, 07:43 PM
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Thank you! It means much. I think I have more of a battle with my mind than him but i guess its easier to put a face to a problem. At the point where he was harrassing me, my friends were laughing at him and my friend made him feel so stupid. He told my friend lies about me just so he can make himself look better. I cant believe the thoughts that goes through his mind. Im not gonna lie the thought of him wanting me back and me not wanting him was empowering. But the rejection of him leaving me (in a sane person's head, be good news) but for me, it baffles me and left me numb because how can he say he would fight for me and decide in less than a day "ahh nevermind I'm just gonna stay with my baby mama".

I laugh at him, I pity him for his disease but i still cant forgive him and get him out of my mind. i guess time has to be on my side.
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