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Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgendered People in Prison For anyone that has a same sex partner, family member, friend or Pen Pal in prison that is Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgendered.

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  #1  
Old 04-13-2012, 04:21 AM
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Default As a GM who just got out of prison....

So, I just out of a really rough prison. I'm gay, but I pass for straight and since I had a short sentence, I just stayed in the closet. A few of my friends knew, but not all.

Okay - you guys who are writing inmates because you like rough trade or you have serious self esteem issues. They are going to mess with you. They will manipulate you. Imagine being locked in a room where you can see the key just out of reach. You spend hours trying to bend a clothes hanger in the right shape, tied to to an umbrella to hook the key just right so.....You have nothing else to do. The only way you can get *anything* is to manipulate the outside world, so you bend people like you would bend a clothes hanger trying to open your car door or what not.

That's not to say that there is not real emotion there. Prison is hard. You hide your feelings, even from yourself, cause they are all you have and they are so fragile. If wabi-sabi (look it up on Wikipedia, I'm not allowed to post links yet) is what you want, bittersweet longing and the Cowboy Junkies playing in the background, rock on. But happy endings? Not often.

If some guy had written to me when I was going through all that, everything all balled up inside and trying to be somebody else just to survive, it would have been the light and hope of my life. But then again, I hated the guys running mail scams. And I can't see why anyone I didn't already know would want to write me. My bunkmate's wife's girlfriend did write me a few times, but it was creepy (she wanted phonesex).

So, what I'm saying is, there are gay men worth writing to in prison, but I'm not sure how you're going to get in touch with them. Examine your motivations for wanting such a thing, and your expectations, very carefully before beginning. May the force be with you, 'cause if you succeed, it'll be a powerful good thing, but the risks you are taking are not inconsiderable.
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  #2  
Old 04-13-2012, 06:42 AM
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THANK YOU! For that refreshingly realistic update on the situation! I am grateful for any post like that. So how would you challenge such a relationship? I mean I am doing my part with my MWI and he says he will do anything to prove it.....Got any ideas? I am planning a visit soon, so maybe that will help me get a tighter grip on this situation and make it more real for that matter.....

He removed his ad on GPUSA and said he stopped writing to other guys....I cant verify that. I cross-checked every possible lead in the internet it seems he has no other ads or something. Which means he seems truthful to me.
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Old 04-13-2012, 04:00 PM
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Well of course there are guys that will use you in prison. There are guys that will use you in the street. I think you are right that your motivations are a huge factor. Heck my boyfriend told me that some of his former pen pals offered to take care of him financially but they made hm feel like and animal to be observed. My ex had that rough trade thing going on. A dude once tried to buy him off of me, thinking i was his sugar daddy. The dude went on to explain how he supported a few dudes in prison and they claimed they would be all his once they got out. He was pretty much hedging his bets knowing they wouldn't all come through.

Of course if you are locked up and have no one looking out for you then someone offering friendship and maybe even more will seem like the best thing ever. I guess guys in prison get rose colored goggles as well. This is my biggest fear because my the guy isn't scamming you. He just isn't aware of his emotions so there is no lie to catch. I have a feeling that my boyfriend isn't just looking at me with rose colored glasses because He has seen the best and worst of me but only time will tell.

Honestly I agree with everything you said. I have had a few pen pals before and I have had some of them try to scam me. Some where patient and pretty good. A few were just so obvious it made me laugh. A few just straight up claimed me like that was supposed to make me feel anything but wary. Its the reason I don't have any more pen pals. There are too many dudes looking to scam a gay dude because we are seen as hope. A guy in my guys prison has a inside husband and an outside husband and doubt they know each other.

There is hope and I think it takes time to differentiate between the bad ones, the confused and the right one. While I thought it might be interesting I never wanted to be in a relationship with a man in prison because touch and intimacy are very important to me. I couldn't let this dude slip between my fingers. You meet someone who shares your unspoken values so deeply only a few times in your life. I went crazy for the longest time looking for every way to make sure my man wasn't using me but that was interfering with the joy in my life, so I had to make a decision to trust him and be me. Even if this dude has been using me I will still come out of this a winner. I have done things, accepted things, an gone through things I may never have experienced in my life without the right partner. I am 27 but 2 years with this man have made me as free as a 50 year old man. I hope you find someone out here who will truly love you for you and not the prison mystique. You deserve it.
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Old 04-16-2012, 08:25 PM
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I want to just say something here. This has kind of been weighing on my mind. When I became involved with my husband 2 1/2 years ago, I didn't do it by halves. I jumped in the whole way. I did not hold anything back and neither did he. I knew up front what was involved. I made the decision early-on to be married to him completely, not just partially, you know? I have no regrets. On the contrary, our relationship just gets better and better. Any relationship comes with its risks but you don't hold back until the other person proves themself to you. If that is your plan, then you better not get involved to begin with. I don't check up on him, although I could. I believe he is completely honest with me. He has never said or done anything that has made me think otherwise. So I am just waiting for him to come home so we can get on with our life togther. I believe we will be very happy.
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Old 04-17-2012, 04:38 AM
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Here comes Mr. Negative with a comment... My guy - it took six years for me to see through the lies. I jumped in with both feet, both arms, and went right under water. I believed everything that he said. I never checked up on him. My PTO friends that had all been around the block told me how lucky I was that I had a real and honest one. Much to my dismay, he was not all that honest. He was all lies.

In prison - out on the street. You can never 100% believe a person. This sounds tainted, but when it comes to relationships if you could 100% believe everyone then there would be no cheating, there would be no divorce.

I HOPE that all is well for you and I am NOT suggesting that your relationship is not all good. I HOPE that it is. Truly from my heart I wish you and your husband the best. I am a romatic at heart and I want to see eveyone happy and blissful. I do.

For everyone reading this - you just need to have your eyes wide open and I am not suggesting questioning anything, but you have to be realistic and not just accept blindly...

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I want to just say something here. This has kind of been weighing on my mind. When I became involved with my husband 2 1/2 years ago, I didn't do it by halves. I jumped in the whole way. I did not hold anything back and neither did he. I knew up front what was involved. I made the decision early-on to be married to him completely, not just partially, you know? I have no regrets. On the contrary, our relationship just gets better and better. Any relationship comes with its risks but you don't hold back until the other person proves themself to you. If that is your plan, then you better not get involved to begin with. I don't check up on him, although I could. I believe he is completely honest with me. He has never said or done anything that has made me think otherwise. So I am just waiting for him to come home so we can get on with our life togther. I believe we will be very happy.
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Old 04-17-2012, 05:37 AM
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Ken, I was pretty sure that would be your response and it's all good. I recognize I'm one of the fortunate ones. It doesn't always work out this way. I realize it may not work out for me as well as I'm hoping it will but I hear some people constantly questioning, constantly checking up on their guy, constantly being cynical and I wonder if that is how they would go into any relationship, prison or otherwise. Anyway I made my decision and I will see it through but until then I'm going to give it my all. But thanks for your reply. Like I said, I was pretty sure that would be what you would say and it truly is all good.
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Old 04-18-2012, 04:38 PM
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I beleive that you never truly know another person when you are separated from them. Someone told me, " you can be whatever you want to be for an hour visit or a 15 minute phone call" This is also true on the outside. I just believe that when they come home and it works out--then maybe you really can breathe and know what you have. This is for any relationship.
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Old 04-22-2012, 07:15 AM
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I have been writing and befriending prison pen pals since about 1998, with mixed results. My current pal, Jack, has claimed that he has wanted to be with me romantically since we started writing back in 2006. I have been slowly allowing him in, and he gets out in June 2012, and plans to be relelased to a halfway house near me. I still will not call this a true relationship until I can get to know him when he is out. I know enough about these inmates to know that things can change drastically with them upon their release, whether intentionally or otherwise.

Jack is relatively candid with me about relationships with inmates, andin the visitng room, he often points out couples to me where he knows the person on the outside is getting played -- gay and straight. One thing he always says is if the person on the outside is not physically in the same league as the person on the inside -- then the inmate is usually only interested in them for the stay, and when they get out and see more eye-appealing people, that's the beginning of the end. (It does amaze me, when I visit, how many "plus-sized women" are there in the visiting room there to see hot inmates built like Adonises!) Come to think of it, the same standard defeintely applies to us in the gay world as well. Face it -- If you can't get a hunky boyfriend or sexy girlfriend like that in the free world, the likelihood of it happening in the MWI is just as small, if not smaller.
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Old 04-22-2012, 11:14 AM
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I'm straight but i think the issues are the same. My guy also points out those who he knows are using people. This is so true:
One thing he always says is if the person on the outside is not physically in the same league as the person on the inside -- then the inmate is usually only interested in them for the stay, and when they get out and see more eye-appealing people, that's the beginning of the end. (It does amaze me, when I visit, how many "plus-sized women" are there in the visiting room there to see hot inmates built like Adonises!)

I believe mine but then we wont really know till they come home. I think those of us who aren't MWI do have an advantage.
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Old 04-23-2012, 03:47 AM
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Absolutely - those that were in a relationship with their loved one before prison have the advantage - no question.

The last two posts here really resonate with me, and without getting a psychologist to comment on the reasons of some MWI relationships... (Some...) we have to look at the reality of the situations that we are in the middle of.

I am a reasonably sane and successful professional male that did not need to find love in a prison. I did not go in to the writing 'relationship' looking for love, but I got roped in over time.

When the sane me and the conscious mind took over I often thought, how the hell did one letter to one random guy in prison that never even advertised that he was gay end up in "love" and commitment? How is that possible when you go through so many people on the outside just to find one that you are compatible with?

One of my bigger concerns is that you only get to see this person in their best. Visiting your MWI does not normally involve conflict. You don't see the bad moods, you don't see the shit that you will experience when they come home... you get the good and the concerted effort to present the best that they are - always. You are not sampling real life. When you date on the outside you see the person in many moods, and you witness how they interact with your friends and even clerks in stores. You get to see them in real life...

I always wonder now that I am removed from the situation - how does one random letter net someone that wants to be devoted for life?
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Old 04-23-2012, 10:06 AM
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You make a very good point about seeing the person in a variety of moods. That is why I think visiting is important because you have that opportunity to see the person interact socially -- well at least a little bit.
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Old 04-23-2012, 01:14 PM
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Maybe against mainstream I am "pissing" my MWI off already in some letters. I mean we dont shy away from conflict there and will most certainly not during our yet to come visitation. For me a visit is some testing ground to discuss serious things and don't drift back into fantasyland of Disney & Co. The important thing is, is to get a sound "feeling" and judgment of the situation and also with the relationship you are having. And no, I dont think it contradicts to laugh and to share feelings either.
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Old 04-25-2012, 06:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eccoagent View Post
So, I just out of a really rough prison. I'm gay, but I pass for straight and since I had a short sentence, I just stayed in the closet. A few of my friends knew, but not all.

Okay - you guys who are writing inmates because you like rough trade or you have serious self esteem issues. They are going to mess with you. They will manipulate you. Imagine being locked in a room where you can see the key just out of reach. You spend hours trying to bend a clothes hanger in the right shape, tied to to an umbrella to hook the key just right so.....You have nothing else to do. The only way you can get *anything* is to manipulate the outside world, so you bend people like you would bend a clothes hanger trying to open your car door or what not.

That's not to say that there is not real emotion there. Prison is hard. You hide your feelings, even from yourself, cause they are all you have and they are so fragile. If wabi-sabi (look it up on Wikipedia, I'm not allowed to post links yet) is what you want, bittersweet longing and the Cowboy Junkies playing in the background, rock on. But happy endings? Not often.

If some guy had written to me when I was going through all that, everything all balled up inside and trying to be somebody else just to survive, it would have been the light and hope of my life. But then again, I hated the guys running mail scams. And I can't see why anyone I didn't already know would want to write me. My bunkmate's wife's girlfriend did write me a few times, but it was creepy (she wanted phonesex).

So, what I'm saying is, there are gay men worth writing to in prison, but I'm not sure how you're going to get in touch with them. Examine your motivations for wanting such a thing, and your expectations, very carefully before beginning. May the force be with you, 'cause if you succeed, it'll be a powerful good thing, but the risks you are taking are not inconsiderable.
A refreshing first-hand point of view. As long as you are being up front about it ; question, if someone had written to you and you became frinds or more, would you have dummped him once you got out? Would just having someone out there who cared enough to send encouragement made your stay more bearable?

I have an MWI who has become very dear to me. I know the risks and hope for the best. A relationship with a man on the inside ---high security--was the last thing I was looking for, but now I treasure him. If it blows up in the end, it will of course hurt, but at least I hope to be able to say, I helped a man find some hope for the future.

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Old 04-25-2012, 06:49 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eccoagent View Post
So, I just out of a really rough prison. I'm gay, but I pass for straight and since I had a short sentence, I just stayed in the closet. A few of my friends knew, but not all.

Okay - you guys who are writing inmates because you like rough trade or you have serious self esteem issues. They are going to mess with you. They will manipulate you. Imagine being locked in a room where you can see the key just out of reach. You spend hours trying to bend a clothes hanger in the right shape, tied to to an umbrella to hook the key just right so.....You have nothing else to do. The only way you can get *anything* is to manipulate the outside world, so you bend people like you would bend a clothes hanger trying to open your car door or what not.

That's not to say that there is not real emotion there. Prison is hard. You hide your feelings, even from yourself, cause they are all you have and they are so fragile. If wabi-sabi (look it up on Wikipedia, I'm not allowed to post links yet) is what you want, bittersweet longing and the Cowboy Junkies playing in the background, rock on. But happy endings? Not often.

If some guy had written to me when I was going through all that, everything all balled up inside and trying to be somebody else just to survive, it would have been the light and hope of my life. But then again, I hated the guys running mail scams. And I can't see why anyone I didn't already know would want to write me. My bunkmate's wife's girlfriend did write me a few times, but it was creepy (she wanted phonesex).

So, what I'm saying is, there are gay men worth writing to in prison, but I'm not sure how you're going to get in touch with them. Examine your motivations for wanting such a thing, and your expectations, very carefully before beginning. May the force be with you, 'cause if you succeed, it'll be a powerful good thing, but the risks you are taking are not inconsiderable.
This needs to be posted in the MWI forum. Thanks for sharing it....when you experience something for yourself you can often provide great insight into those that are unaware of the issues surrounding writing inmates in prison.

Peace~
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Old 04-25-2012, 07:02 AM
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I disagree. The OP refers to gay men writing to allegedly gay men and as far as I understand he also is gay. So why should this be posted in the MWI?
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Old 05-09-2012, 10:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eccoagent View Post
So, I just out of a really rough prison. I'm gay, but I pass for straight and since I had a short sentence, I just stayed in the closet. A few of my friends knew, but not all.

Okay - you guys who are writing inmates because you like rough trade or you have serious self esteem issues. They are going to mess with you. They will manipulate you. Imagine being locked in a room where you can see the key just out of reach. You spend hours trying to bend a clothes hanger in the right shape, tied to to an umbrella to hook the key just right so.....You have nothing else to do. The only way you can get *anything* is to manipulate the outside world, so you bend people like you would bend a clothes hanger trying to open your car door or what not.

That's not to say that there is not real emotion there. Prison is hard. You hide your feelings, even from yourself, cause they are all you have and they are so fragile. If wabi-sabi (look it up on Wikipedia, I'm not allowed to post links yet) is what you want, bittersweet longing and the Cowboy Junkies playing in the background, rock on. But happy endings? Not often.

If some guy had written to me when I was going through all that, everything all balled up inside and trying to be somebody else just to survive, it would have been the light and hope of my life. But then again, I hated the guys running mail scams. And I can't see why anyone I didn't already know would want to write me. My bunkmate's wife's girlfriend did write me a few times, but it was creepy (she wanted phonesex).

So, what I'm saying is, there are gay men worth writing to in prison, but I'm not sure how you're going to get in touch with them. Examine your motivations for wanting such a thing, and your expectations, very carefully before beginning. May the force be with you, 'cause if you succeed, it'll be a powerful good thing, but the risks you are taking are not inconsiderable.

WOW!!! What a great post!!!
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Old 05-10-2012, 06:30 PM
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I disagree. The OP refers to gay men writing to allegedly gay men and as far as I understand he also is gay. So why should this be posted in the MWI?
There are some overlaps between the relationships, whatever they might be, that develop vis a vis visitors to this forum and the relationships described in MWI.

The sad reality is that there are users in each demographic and on both sides of the fence. Too often I have seen threads when I pop through some of the relationship-related forums and people have 'fallen' for people who they have never seen outside of the institutional setting (and in some cases know ONLY through letters or phone calls).

Even in those instances where someone might have known someone on a limited basis prior to the incarceration, there are still elements of risk to the relationship component going forward. As such, an eyes-wide-open reminder would always seem to be prudent...and on edit, I would also opine that it holds true no matter whether the relationship is gay or straight and no matter whether the person serving the sentence is male or female.

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Old 05-15-2012, 09:42 PM
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. (It does amaze me, when I visit, how many "plus-sized women" are there in the visiting room there to see hot inmates built like Adonises!)

I believe mine but then we wont really know till they come home. I think those of us who aren't MWI do have an advantage.
I feel some type of way about this sentence. Just because ur plus size dnt mean u are beening used. There are plus size women on the streets with fine men nd visa versa. I don't think it has anything to do with the way they look. Even the most prettiest person can be scamed. People scam on the weak no matter wat u look like. They are alone in prison nd prey on the weak which is not right they will have there day..
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Old 05-17-2012, 07:22 AM
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I feel some type of way about this sentence. Just because ur plus size dnt mean u are beening used. There are plus size women on the streets with fine men nd visa versa. I don't think it has anything to do with the way they look. Even the most prettiest person can be scamed. People scam on the weak no matter wat u look like. They are alone in prison nd prey on the weak which is not right they will have there day..
I agree. I believe these guys scam those who have low self esteem. I personally belive more overweight and ugly people have low self esteem because of our beauty obsessed culture. However plenty of attractive people have low self esteem and are prime targets to be scammed. I think the, I am as attractive as my mate so that's one green flag, can be a false green flag.
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Old 05-17-2012, 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by eloriel View Post
I disagree. The OP refers to gay men writing to allegedly gay men and as far as I understand he also is gay. So why should this be posted in the MWI?
The way I see it is sexuality is not the issue, trust is, no matter what a persons sexual orientation.
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Old 05-17-2012, 11:39 PM
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Originally Posted by dalesgirl View Post
The way I see it is sexuality is not the issue, trust is, no matter what a persons sexual orientation.
I 100% agree with you that trust and honesty is the real issue. I am still happy that he posted this in the GLBT section. The fact that we are preyed upon so heavily makes him posting his thread here so important.
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Old 10-26-2012, 10:05 PM
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Currently I am writing to 5 guys who claim that they are gay. As I am from overseas, I said in the first letter that I would be willing to offer financial assistance in postage. In the last 12 months, this has now turned into financial assistance for food and goods in just about every letter.
In reading this. post, i now feel that I need to toughen up and say no. I guess at the end of the day if they don't like it they could always stop writing.

Last edited by Fires1; 10-26-2012 at 10:07 PM..
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Old 10-27-2012, 03:09 PM
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Funny after reading alot of various threads on this site about MWI relationships and how the inmates try to scam there pen pals into sending money & other goods I told my BF to set up a pen pal account so I don't have to put money on his account. He gave me one of the dirtiest glares I ever seen but I couldn't help but laugh at him.

But on a serious note it seems that alot of MWI relationships are like trying to find someone via internet dating. On both ends of the spectrum the person on the other end can lie about just anything (there situation, relationship status, etc.) and you never really know if what they're saying is geniune. Hell the same can be said about any relationship regardless of what status its in. In the end its all about taking a gamble & making yourself vunerable to getting hurt.

I happy for those that have successful MWI relationships since the odds are against the both of you. For those that are searching for love behind bars all I can say is good luck you guys are willing to take a risk I personally could never take.
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Old 10-30-2012, 06:18 AM
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A very good thread. Definitely agree with the general thought that most of the 'pen pals' are just out to get what they can from whoever they can. The wire hanger illustration was very good. Plus, the world these guys live in is very small and finite, and having someone care enough to write them is golden. They may be sincere in what they say and feel for you while they are locked away, but once their world opens back up, you may find yourself discarded and forgotten. I don't kid myself about what might happen at the end of his sentence, I simply keep the faith and hope for the future. If he doesn't need or want me anymore after he gets out, well, at least I will have very happy memories and wish him well.
I have an MWI myself and I love him to death and he says he loves me to. We write, email, and talk on the phone. I didn't go looking for love on the inside, I just wrote to brighten somebody's days. I will be going out to meet him soon and am very excited and scared to death at the same time. Our safety net of distance wil be gone and it will just be us, face to face. None-the-less, I am excited thinking about that first big hug.

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